Chapter 198

One chapter every day - currently reading Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone.

[chapter198]

Day 20: The Burrow

Fred and George are, what, fourteen, and driving a (flying, no less) vehicle in the middle of the night? This is cause for concern, even if they are saving Harry. 

Maybe wizarding driving age is lower. They let them FLY on BROOMSTICKS before they even go to magic school. FLYING TEN YEAR OLDS. I think a fourteen year old driving is little less scandalous.

“Petunia!” roared Uncle Vernon. “He’s getting away! HE’S GETTING AWAY!”

And we’ve come back around to comedy villain.

“See you next summer!” Harry yelled, and then for some reason went back to live with the Dursleys every year even though they had literally imprisoned him and he ocould probably have his pick of places to stay (where does Hagrid summer?)

Because magic protection! 

BUT HE DOESN’T KNOW THAT YET HE JUST KNOWS THEY’RE TERRIBLE CHILD JAILERS and let’s be honest - the Weasleys couldn’t offer the same protection as some sort of magic blood spell? Or (presuming Hagrid summers at the school) HOGWARTS couldn’t protect him? Even though it protects him the other ten months of the year?. 

These points should be voiced to JK.

For the inevitable CGI re-release of the books.

You know what’s great though? That Arthur has a job at the Ministry working with something he’s actually interested in - Muggles.

“...but extra rooms had been added here and there until it was several storeys high and so crooked it looked as though it was held up by magic (which, Harry reminded himself, it probably was).”

I always liked that line. Also, none of the Weasley kids were planned. Architecture doesn’t lie.

Speaking of the CGI re-release though, I really want to see what they do with JK likening Molly Weasley to a sabre-toothed tiger. 

I want to read Charm Your Own Cheese. 

And there he is, Mr. Gilderoy Lockhart himself, winking at us through the magic of the written word and eventual CGI. I’d imagine the “who was your favourite character” question at the end of Chamber of Secrets is not going to involve a very long thought process.

Nope.

I really enjoy Arthur Weasley. He’s just so fascinated by the things everyone else overlooks. That and he tinkered with a vintage car so it could fly. What a great family the Weasleys are. Harry’s grown up in the most average, run-of-the-mill suburban home with a cruel and abusive family, of course he loves everything about The Burrow. It’s a big cozy patchwork of magic and family. Warm fuzzy feelings.  

Just a whole patch of warm pumpkin pasties.

It probably smells better than a Starbucks during high pumpkin spice season.

Do we ever hear about that ghoul again? Or is that just a little throwaway “oh yeah there’s a ghoul in our attic, no big”?

The ghoul definitely plays a role later on. 

I have completely forgotten then. Which book?

The seventh. I can’t remember if they mention the ghoul plot in the movie. I feel like they did not. 

They didn’t mention it in Chamber and I don’t remember it at all so probably not.

No, they wouldn’t have mentioned it in the second movie - they wouldn’t have known he’d make a reappearance as a plot device at that point. He doesn’t return as a major character, but he does play a role. 

Unlike Dobby - who they wanted to cut but JK told them not to. Also, to be fair to Columbus and whoever else (the Niña, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria (...yes.)), the scene in Ron’s room is about thirty seconds to a minute long. It works in a book at the end of a chapter but as a scene in a movie, it wouldn’t add much except money for the decorating budget.

I do love how Ron is so nonchalant about the ghoul though. 

This is another short, quick chapter but it moves the plot along and introduces two major characters to the novel - Ginny (who only had a short appearance two weeks ago in book one) and Lockhart.

And the Weasleys! As a slightly more complete unit. We’re collecting them as we go along.

Yes, but I mean, in terms of importance to Chamber of Secrets alone.

Lucius Malfoy is also mentioned in passing, who we’ll meet along with Lockhart in Diagon Alley. 

Yes, the Malfoys are mentioned in passing when they theorize on Dobby’s origin. Will they be right????? Only time will tell!

(yes they will)

[chapter198]

Day 19: Dobby’s Warning

It has been confirmed, the Malfoys are terrible people.

“This makes the Dursleys sound almost human.”

Actually, Harry, it still kinda doesn’t.

“...his orb-like eyes aglow.”

Good description again. Aglow is a good word.

Dobby is that person who thinks they’re helping but they actually need to stop because they’re making everything so much worse.

Dobby is a meddlesome parent. Or Cold War America, I guess.

“You’ve just ruined the punchline of my Japanese golfer joke…”

Yeah, I’m sure that was a real winner to begin with.

“...tell Petunia that very funny story about those American plumbers…”

Vernon’s sense of humour sounds painful.

I get that Vernon’s an idiot, yeah? But. Why does he think locking Harry up is a good idea? Has he not learned from last year? His son had a TAIL. They had to board up their house.

I think he’s counting on Harry magicking himself into expulsion. Because he, Vernon Dursley, large and neckless, is an idiot.

Utterly.

Also I’m talking about the line between cartoonish cruelty and outright villainous child abuse, and let me just say that line is barred windows and a cat flap through which cold tins of soup are shoved.

We’re no longer in Dahlish territory.

But don’t worry. Ron’s here to show Harry what a real family looks like. Next chapter Weasley house!! (I really like the Weasley house.)

[chapter198]

Day 18: The Worst Birthday

We get to meet Gilderoy Lockhart in this book!

If that’s not reason enough to start right now, I don’t know what is.

“...turning misty eyes to her massive son.”

And we’re back on the Descriptive Brilliance Train. It’s good to be back.

“Dudley, who was so large his bottom drooped over either side of the kitchen chair…”

So vivid. So great.

Proper humorous juxtaposition. “He never gets enough food - he’s wasting away!” she said of her morbidly obese son, who was just so fat it was staggering.

This whole bit about the magic word is ridiculous.

I remember thinking that scene was over the top when I was ten.

Blond, pink and porky - three member punk band.

And the hedge was staring back.

Oh right - Dobby! I forgot he was coming up here.

“So you’ve finally learned the days of the week.”

Sassy Harry! The Dursleys really bring out that side of him, don’t they?

I think it’s genuine. I mean, I’m proud of Dudley too.

“I’m trying to decide what would be the best spell to set it on fire,” said Harry.

Harry is so nonchalantly terrifying. It’s fantastic. Playing the big, scary, pyrowizard card here.

I’m constantly amused by the dual parenting styles of the Dursleys - where Harry is made to be a free labourer and Dudley is doted upon like he’s the emperor of a particularly wealthy nation.

Petunia tried to whack him with a frying pan! Those things are serious weapons!

I know, I’ve seen Tangled. All in all, this whole situation would be a lot more serious if it wasn’t so cartoony. Like it would feel a lot darker and sadder for Harry but with a family of two walruses and a pompous stickbug doling out ridiculous Cinderella chores and demanding Harry not exist for a while, it’s just funny. Weirdly, childishly, cruelly, Dahlishly funny.

“Harry caught a glimpse of Uncle Vernon and Dudley in bow ties and dinner jackets.”

I’m imagining how very uncool this looks.

Pretty sure it’s a safety hazard of some sort. Due to flying buttons and laughter.

And there’s Dobby! Or as we know him right now, “someone”. Oh the intrigue!

[chapter198]

Catching Up

We had fallen a bit behind on getting the posts up, but once the next two go up in a minute, we'll be right back on track! 

[chapter198]

Day 17: The Man With Two Faces

"So useful to have him swooping around like an overgrown bat."

ALAN RICKMAN FOR BATMAN

Quirrell putting on a fake stutter bothers me.

“You’re too nosy to live, Potter.”

Seems like an excessive reason to die.

Yeah. Just take away some points and throw him in Death Forest. That's the civilized way.

Right. The mirror does show up again. Of course. Though for the last time! Is it destroyed? I can’t remember.

“...Harry felt something heavy drop into into his real pocket.”

Wait. If the mirror shows Harry with the stone in his pocket, and then the stone actually materializes in his pocket, why couldn’t the mirror materialize what he saw in it before? Might be complicated if it involves death.

We've been over this. A wizard did it.

There’s something off about Voldemort saying he’s always valued bravery, and that his mother didn’t need to die. Unless he’s mocking Harry. Though he would have spared Lily if she had given up Harry. Not a thing that would have happened though.

“What happened down in the dungeons between you and Professor Quirrell is a complete secret, so, naturally, the whole school knows.”

I’ve always loved that line.

Wow, Harry was out for three days.

“You did do the thing properly, didn’t you?”

Also a good line. They did do the thing.

Dumbledore explains away why the stone materialized. Clever bit of magic. Fair enough.

Yeah. "How did you transport matter into the Erised Dimension, Dumbledore?" "Well, you see, I'm very smart, Harry."

I'm just going to assume it's the wizarding equivalent of quantum physics.

I like how Dumbledore just gives Gryffindor enough points at the end to win the thing.  

I love that it's Neville who wins it for them. Not only does the kid deserve a break, but Harry doesn't need to be the saviour of Gryffindor and have even more fame and expectation thrust upon him.

“Even Neville scraped through, his good Herbology mark making up for his abysmal Potions one.”

I wonder if she already knew he’d become a Herbology professor when she wrote this.

Harry thanks Mrs. Weasley for his Christmas present. In what I’m assuming is June. Nicely timed, Harry.

Should have sent a howler thank you. THANK YOU FOR THE JUMPER IT WAS VERY THOUGHTFUL

I typed sweater at first there but I just remembered - this is it for American editions for a while - proper UK Chamber and Azkaban are on my bookshelf! Hooray for Canada!

Hooray for Book 2!

Giant snakes and flying cars and floating anagrams! Actually I realise all of those things are singular. JK went now hold on reign in the floating anagrams for a second this is a one-anagram-a-boom series!

Okay we're done here.

Should we do something? To signify the end of the book? Do we have an end of book thing?

Sure. Favourite part?

Not a singular part, but I really enjoyed being introduced to the wizarding world again, bit by bit. It’s not the same as the first time you encounter the book, but it’s still exciting to see how the world unfolds.

I agree, but like. A single scene. One moment that stands out. Doesn't have to be an absolute favourite. Just a standout Philosopher's Stone moment. Mine's probably Chapter 6 with everything on the Hogwarts Express. Getting to know Ron and Hermione and Neville. If I had to narrow it down further, probably the Weasley intro with the fractional platform wall. Just a neat idea all around and a good start to the journey.

If I had to pick a chapter, or a scene, I’d go with Harry discovering the Mirror of Erised. Not only is it super complex and fascinating as an idea, but it also plays a major part in the resolution of the plot. And the physical mirror itself is neat, with its cryptic inscription. I just want to know how it works and why we never see it again, really.

And it raises so many questions! And just a neat concept all around. I'd say that's up there for me too. It's also the chapter I have the clearest memory of the first time around, having it read in class and discussing what the name and inscription could mean. Maybe I've changed my answer. I don't know. Both good.

What about favourite character (based solely on this book)?

Favourite character (based solely on this books) would be Dumbledore for his wisdom and eccentricity.

Same answer. I like Quirrell for being a good hiding-in-plain-sight villain, but wacky old Dumbledore is fantastic. Conducting the atonal school song, “Alas earwax”, high heels and crazy fashions. He’s more crazy swamp Yoda than noble wise Obi-Wan in this one and I love that.

But if we’re on the subject of Eccentric Dumbledore, the best way to end this book is probably just by saying a few words...

Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!

Sounds like the end of the Breakfast Club, come to think of it.

[chapter198]

Day 16: Through the Trapdoor

Shouldn't all quills be bewitched with Anti-Cheating spells? What is the point of having quills that can cheat the rest of the year? Is plagiarism encouraged right up until exam time?

Would certainly teach them a lesson about plagiarism! Also, I can remember several instances where Hermione rewrites Ron and Harry’s homework or adds in a paragraph or two. They aren’t using Word. This is noticeable.

 “Snape made them all nervous, breathing down their necks while they tried to remember how to make a Forgetfulness potion.”

Isn’t that ironic.

 "...except that now it was worse than ever because there was a hooded figure dripping blood in it" is a phrase that can be successfully added to any sentence.

“Snape made them all nervous, breathing down their necks while they tried to remember how to make a Forgetfulness potion, except that now it was worse than ever because there was a hooded figure dripping blood in it.”

That's fair. Any good recipe for a forgetfulness potion tells you to go easy on the amount of bloody hood figure you add to the cauldron.

Only a dash of bloody hood figure.

Scottish squid. How does that not come up in the "what were the movies missing" debate. It is literally the number one answer. Lee Jordan and the twins tickling a giant squid.

I think you’re right. This should have been included. Also just more of Lee Jordan too.

Also Peeves. The late Rik Mayall had the role and never had the part fully realised due to time. Harry Potter animated series, anyone?

“...Yeh get a lot o’ funny folk in the Hog’s Head…”

More great setup for later books in a toss away comment.

And Hagrid’s upset that he told Harry, Ron and Hermione that playing Fluffy “a bit o’ music” will put him “straight off ter sleep,” but is not concerned about telling the shady dragon egg dealer in the shady pub the same information.

Haha yeah. He was too intoxicated with both the idea of a new dragon and the traditional source of such things.

You know. I really wonder how easy it is to break into Gringotts if Hagrid is right and Hogwarts is safer. Cause it seems like all you have to do is know basic first-year magical junk, have some basic talent on a broom and play wizard's chess well (and it seems a pretty common game).

Well, they did have to use several disguises and an Unforgivable Curse - helped along with some insider Goblin knowledge - to break into Gringotts. Going to call Hagrid Hyperbole on this one.

Oh right forgot they actually did that.  Yet "Gringotts is the only wizarding bank" is taken as wikia gospel. #notlettingitgo

“‘Professor Dumbledore left ten minutes ago,’ she said coldly. ‘He received an urgent owl from the Ministry of Magic and flew off for London at once.’”

Convenient. I don’t remember if we find out whether this is coincidence or part of the Quirrell plot or what.

“‘It’s obvious,’ said Ron. ‘You can pretend to be waiting for Professor Flitwick, you know.’ He put on a high voice, ‘Oh Professor Flitwick, I’m so worried, I think I got question fourteen b wrong...’”

True love.

(Snap, this is a long chapter.)

I wonder what would have happened if they decided to let Neville tag along with them through the trapdoor? I don’t think he would have made it very far at all.

 Huh. In the movie they have the roles picked out for the kids when the arrive at the chess board - two empty spaces and a horse with no rider. Here, Ron picks which makes me think two things:

1) That makes Ron's sacrifice so much more dangerous - no stone horse in the way.

2) Why didn't Ron make one of them the King to keep at least one safe?Another bit where the movie makes things a bit cleaner, actually.

Also this whole chapter feels like a pretty solid video game dungeon.

I forgot how each of the enchanted obstacles was linked to a teacher. The harp taking care of Fluffy - that would have been Flitwick with the help of Hagrid. Devil’s Snare - Professor Sprout. The flying keys - not sure if this is more Charms or Transfiguration, but we’ll go with Transfiguration. Chess is Charms again. This was a theory I always had in my head but as I go along it’s not as balanced as I thought it to be… OH NO WAIT: 

“‘We’ve had Sprouts, that was the Devil’s Snare - Flitwick must’ve put the charms on the keys - McGonagall transfigured the chessmen to make them alive - that leaves Quirrell’s spell, and Snape’s’...’”

Okay so I didn’t come up with that, the book pointed it out. And I had it all jumbled. But why do they assume Quirrell must have an obstacle too? All the other professors are Head of House for their respective houses.

What about all the other professors? Why is there no advanced arithmancy puzzle? Or a code to crack written in Ancient Runes? Or something from those other classes that seem much more difficult to bypass.

Divine the correct door using this tea leaves.

Yes or that! Only a true seer could get through - then it’d really be safe! Let’s you and I go run Hogwarts.

I like that the troll is taken care of already because, narratively, they've already done that.

"The second left and second on the right are twins once you taste them but different at first sight." Funny how the second and sixth books are so connected isn't it?

Which parts are you thinking of? (I really like this riddle.)

Other than diary/textbook/childhood flashbacks, I mean the fact that Rowling said considered throwing a lot of Book 6 stuff into Chamber of Secrets. In any case it's a total coincidence but I like it.

What I don't like is that there is no way for the reader to deduce the answer because we can't see the size of the bottles and don't learn anything about their shapes until Hermione picks a winner.

This is the best chapter ending in the book and it doesn't even end. The main reason I think it's so brilliant isn't even the narrative.

It's the printing. She knows the reader will not likely be stopping between chapters this late in the book so she uses the chapter break as something else - spoiler preservation. The buildup will never be on the same page as the resolution.

I never thought about that, but it’s a fantastic way to lead into the last chapter.

Splitting the paragraph across chapters definitely keeps the momentum going while still saying "This is it!"

And it is it. One more chapter til Chamber!

[chapter198]

Day 15: The Forbidden Forest

“Things couldn’t have been worse.”

Oh Harry, you haven’t even your first year at Hogwarts! There’s six more!

“Mr. Filch says you were up in the astronomy tower. It’s one o’clock in the morning. Explain yourselves.”

Hey, sounds like a fantastic place to be at one o’clock in the morning. It’s the astronomy tower. You know, stars, nighttime, astronomy…

They do have astronomy classes at midnight… maybe they were just confused about the day? If staircases and pictures move, I’m sure calendars do as well.

The phrase cock and bull story sounds more vulgar than it is. It just sounds odd coming from McGonagall.

And McGonagall takes away a total of 150 points from Gryffindor. Things are getting serious. To think it was only 5 points apiece a few chapters ago! Fighting an extremely dangerous troll in the bathroom? 5 points. Wandering the castle at night? 50 points. Logic. I see it.

I think her reasoning was that they were trying to abuse the system and get Malfoy caught - hence why he lost 20 points and Gryffindor lost 150.

 "Your detention will take place at eleven o’clock tonight.” 

More logic! Kids out late at night? Detention. When’s detention? Late at night. Also why is their detention so dangerous? The Forbidden Forest at night? With Filch and Hagrid? Doesn’t this school have a Board of Governors or something? (They do.) Where is Dumbledore?!

He appears to have vanished. I assume he’d be fine with this though. Cause, you know, magic or eccentricity or something. I don’t know. I agree. “Sneaking out means you deserve to die, so if it happens, too bad” seems a bit of an overreaction and a weird one given that McGonagall and Hagrid seem fine with it. I mean, Filch is one thing...

“Should’ve thought of them werewolves before you got in trouble, shouldn’t you?”

 ...case and point.

My goodness. Threaten the children out of bed with werewolves. This is a wizard school… Collecting unicorn blood in the forest when it’s known that something is killing the unicorns. I honestly can’t even.

Not a lot of things can kill unicorns. They’re kind of the opposite of eleven-year-olds that way.

“Mars is bright tonight.”

One of the lines that has always stood out to me. The centaur in the Game Boy Colour game said “Mars is bright tonight” if you bumped into him repeatedly.

Haha it does read like an NPC line so that is an excellent choice.

“The cloaked figure reached the unicorn, it lowered its head over the wound in the animal’s side, and began to drink its blood."

Seriously though, this is the most dangerous thing. Unimpressed with the methods being used for detention. Not that this much better than what Umbridge pulls. I guess this is kind of useful and furthers the plot along by introducing us to another suspicious suspect…? I don’t know.

“Only one who has nothing to lose, and everything to gain, would commit such a crime.”

[...]

“‘But who’d be that desperate?” [Harry] wondered aloud...

Well this feels a little heavy handed.

But is followed by something which is only obvious with knowledge of all seven books, but it is a BRILLIANT line for Harry to say in Year One, given his ultimate fate:

“If you’re going to be cursed forever, death’s better, isn’t it?”

“The planets have been read wrongly before now, even by centaurs. I hope this is one of those times."

We should be consulting these guys more.

Harry still thinks it’s Snape though. With only two chapters left to go!

Look, Snape is presumed bad then good then bad then good for the next 6 or so years so best to get used to it now.

“When Harry pulled back his sheets, he found his invisibility cloak folded neatly underneath him. There was a note pinned to it: Just in case.”

The note should have also read You idiot. How could you forget this?

The cloak and the notes are... Dumbledore? I actually don't remember. Don't bother answering, I will keep this tiny bit of mystery alive. Such magic, such wonder.

Okay next chapter now.

[chapter198]

Day 14: Norbert the Norwegian Ridgeback

“‘Hagrid! What are you doing in the library!”

I don’t know why, but this is amusing. Like Hagrid is the antithesis of the library and seeing him there is just the most ridiculous image or something.

Though now we’re getting into good wizard stuff: dragons. But first:

“‘Yer not still lookin’ fer Nicolas Flamel, are yeh?’

‘Oh, we found out who he is ages ago,’ said Ron impressively. ‘And we know what that dog’s guarding, it’s a Philosopher’s St--”

THE END.

Just kidding. Still three chapters left apparently.

“It sneezed. A couple of sparks flew out of its snout.”

Back to dragons! It’s so cute.

"Hagrid, you live in a wooden house!" and "How fast do Norwegian Ridgebacks grow, anyway?", Hermione really cements herself as the voice of reason character in this chapter.

Wait one second. If Malfoy saw the dragon in the window of Hagrid’s hut, then why wouldn’t he go to the professors straight away? “Something about the smile lurking on Malfoy’s face during the next week made Harry, Ron and Hermione very nervous.” Well obviously. But. Really? Draco’s just holding this information until the opportune moment. He is stupid. I mean, if he wants to get them in trouble…

I forgot about this whole plot where Malfoy steals Ron’s book in the hospital wing and learns about their plot to save Norbert(a)… The movie really cut this down. Malfoy went to McGonagall right away in the films.

Yeah, that's just... dumb. The movies make a lot more sense there.

“When they told him about Charlie’s letter, his eyes filled with tears…”

Wait, they knew about this plan before and didn’t tell Hagrid until that night. They are really showing their age here.

Oh and they nearly escaped detention. I can’t believe they left the invisibility cloak in the tower. Something so rare and important, and they forget it. At the very least, it is invisible, so no one will find it…  but a solid ending with Filch cornering them in the corridor.

[chapter198]

Day 13: Nicolas Flamel

What makes Snape qualified to referee Quidditch? He doesn’t seem the type to be even mildly interested in sports. Maybe Dumbledore put him up to it, to keep an eye on Harry. 

“...Harry told the other two about Snape’s sudden, sinister desire to be a Quidditch referee.”

Sudden and sinister sounds about right, coming from eleven-year old Harry.

“There isn’t a reserve Seeker.”

There, Bianca, you wanted to keep a look out for more reserve mentions. Do with it what you will.

“...and his work on alchemy with his partner Nicolas Flamel.”

Of course, it’s on the chocolate frog card. I didn’t even notice that when Harry read the card on the Hogwarts Express.

I like how JK chose a historically referenced object to be the centre of the book. I wish she would have continued incorporating that sort of stuff throughout the series. Unless I’m forgetting things. Will have to keep an eye out.

If I recall correctly, HP Wiki called Nicolas Flamel “one of the few” real historical figures in the series. So no, pretty sure this is a rare case of real world things leaking into the HPverse. 

“‘You know how I think they choose people for the Gryffindor team?’ said Malfoy loudly a few minutes later, as Snape awarded Hufflepuff another penalty for no reason at all. ‘It’s people they feel sorry for. See, there’s Potter, who’s got no parents, then there’s the Weasleys, who’ve got no money - you should be on the team, Longbottom, you’ve got no brains.”

Wow, Malfoy is malicious. A malicious sponge.

Out of everything you could pick on Neville for, you pick intelligence? Malfoy’s not even a good judge of character.

Snape vanishing into the Forbidden Forest, suspicioooooooous. JK is trying to keep us occupied with Snape’s obvious evil character behaviour so we don’t care to think about Quirrell.

Oh wait, here’s Quirrell:

“Below, in a shadowy cleaning, stood Snape, but he wasn’t alone. Quirrell was there, too.”

“‘...d-don’t know why you wanted t-t-to meet here of all places, Severus.”

So timid.

“‘Very well,’ Snape cut in. ‘We’ll have another little chat soon, when you’ve had time to think things over and decided where your loyalties lie.’”

And the readers say “wow Quirrell is working for Snape what a twist!” not aware of the bigger twists to come.

This whole exchange is moving the plot along quite a bit, actually. The first book feels very black and white, but this encounter is a little more grey.

“‘So you mean the Stone’s only safe as long as Quirrell stands up to Snape?’ said Hermione in alarm.

‘It’ll be gone by next Tuesday,’ said Ron.”

I like this ending. Sets up the rest of the story quite nicely. Things are about to get interesting.

I didn’t say very much this chapter! Dragons!

[chapter198]

Day 12: The Mirror of Erised

One morning in mid-December, Hogwarts woke to find itself covered in several feet of snow.

Having awoken, the castle stood up and shook off the snow. It was going to be a long winter.

(...) the Weasley twins were punished for bewitching several snowballs so that they followed Quirrell around, bouncing off the back of his turban.

Hehehehe this is possibly the only Quirrell-as-comic-relief passage that is funnier after The Reveal.

“I do feel so sorry,” said Draco Malfoy, one Potions class, “for all those people who have to stay at Hogwarts for Christmas because they’re not wanted at home.”

Okay, can I just point out how cool it would be staying at Hogwarts over Christmas? First, you’re in a medieval (MAGIC) castle in the Scottish highlands - it might be cold, but it would fantastic to curl up in front of a fire with the view from a tower. Second, you’d have the castle to yourself (for the most part) with most people away at home, so you’d be able to explore the castle and all its nooks and crannies. THIRD, I’d bet that the Christmas feast is fairly fantastic. 

That being said, I’d probably still pop home if I could for a bit and come back a bit early to enjoy the quiet castle. Harry’s going to have much more fun at Hogwarts than Draco will at home.

Harry’s going to have more fun than Draco ever has at home. Malfoy House sounds awful.

“[Harry] didn’t feel sorry for himself at all; this would probably be the best Christmas he’d ever had.”

Fact.

 “Be that as it may, fighting is against Hogwarts rules, Hagrid,” said Snape silkily.

“Classist bullying, however, is strictly mandatory.” This is the only attack on Gryffindor I haven’t been able to align with what we know about Snape. This one’s just mean for no reason.

“The hall looked spectacular. Festoons of holly and mistletoe hung all around the walls and no fewer than twelve towering Christmas trees stood around the room, some sparkling with tiny icicles, some glittering with hundreds of candles.”

1. I want to be here.

2. Festoons.

I will gladly join you amongst the festoons. :)

Oh clever - Flamel is absent from Great Wizards of the Twentieth Century, Notable Magical Names of Our Time, Important Modern Magical Discoveries, and A Study of Recent Developments in Wizardry. Twentieth Century. Our Time. Modern. Recent.

The Restricted Section sounds so interesting. Wizarding books would be interesting enough, but the restricted ones - I wonder what JK has tucked away in that area. Besides polyjuice potion and horcruxes.

I’m curious what the etymological differences are behind Merry/Happy Christmas. It struck me as odd the first time I read the books and saw Happy Christmas. Merry must have been picked up after the British came to America…? Any insight here, Kevin?

Other way around, I think. Like it was Merry in both places and the Brits moved to Happy. I say this because I watched A Christmas Carol earlier and Dickens definitely wrote “Merry Christmas” again and again in 19th century England. And I know “Happy Christmas” was said in Doctor Who in ‘66, and some old Beatles Christmas messages. So I’d guess Happy Christmas is the more recent invention I assume?

(several googles later…)

Hm. Sort of. There are theories that it was a way to take the drunken connotations of “merry” away from the greeting - and ALSO that The Night Before Christmas (1822) originally ended with “Happy Christmas to all.” In short, who knows.

Also in case you’re wondering, it does in fact say “Merry Christmas” in this version.

“‘We received your message and enclose your Christmas present. From Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia.’ Sellotaped to the note was a fifty-pence piece.”

Oh what is even the point of that. The postage probably cost more. Unless Hedwig prodded them for a return package. Good owl.

Ooh, the first Deathly Hallow appears 148 pages into the series.

“Hey, look - Harry’s got a Weasley jumper too!” 

Harry is officially welcomed into the Weasley family. This is an important chapter and we haven’t even gotten to the mirror yet! I kind of wish the mirror was a horcrux, or that we’d see it again… Imagine destroying the mirror, it would be so thematic. Smashing a basilisk fang through the glass, destroying what Voldemort desired the most. Fantastic.

There is a lot of potential in the Mirror of Erised. Perhaps its story just isn’t complete yet...

“A hundred fat, roasted turkeys…”

How many people stayed at Hogwarts over Christmas? Not such a quiet castle after all…? Even if it was one turkey to a person - excessive - that’d be a hundred people… Not possible. Alternate analysis: hyperbole.

Radical alternate alternate analysis: magic.

 “...Dumbledore had swapped his pointed wizard’s hat for a flowered bonnet…”

I’m just going to leave that there.

 “After a tea of turkey sandwiches, crumpets, trifle, and Christmas cake…” 

This seems to be taking a leaf out of A Christmas Carol, with all this talk of holiday food. I feel like we’re back in Victorian Food in Nineteenth-Century Literature. Idea. Wizarding Cuisine and its Origins in Victorian Gastronomy. Toss away essay idea for anyone at Queen’s taking that course. You can even use the French and Bulgarian delicacies from the Triwizard Tournament feast for broader scope!

Sounds better than reading Cranford, definitely.

Ron, full of turkey and cake and with nothing mysterious to bother him...

An apt and general description of Ronald Weasley.

“The library was pitch black and very eerie.”

Filch and Snape, patrolling the corridor after dark…?! Suspiciouuuuuus. Definitely the two most evil characters. This is proof.

Sounds exciting, and the perfect place to use an invisibility cloak. I would do the same.

“Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi.”

 I like that she used oyt twice like it’s an actual word. Clever.

 It is, as in Oyt ube, the wizarding video sharing site.

“There he was, reflected in it, white and scared-looking.”

...does this hurt the James-Potter-is-black theory? I’m going to say no. Because I like that interpretation.

I don't think so.

This is an emotional scene with Harry’s parents. Also a little unsettling - they’re reacting to seeing Harry in the mirror, but do they exist in the mirror or does the mirror create their existence in his mind? Very interesting magic going on here.

According to my copy of Wizarding Metaphysics by Cogito R. Gosum, the Erised Realm is roughly perpendicular to the Portrait Universe.

"Harry stepped aside, but with Ron in front of the mirror, he couldn't see his family anymore, just Ron in his paisley pajamas."

Harry’s greatest desire… a fanfic writer’s dream.

Also, Harry, having almost no memories of his mom and dad, just wants to see his family, and Ron, who has such a large family, only wants to see himself. Not particularly telling (fairly obvious the motivations behind this), though this subtly shows a key difference between Harry and Ron, which also comes into play later in the series.

Well… Skip back a bit.

“And I want to see all your family, all the Weasleys, you’ll be able to show me your other brothers and everyone.”

“You can see them any old time,” said Ron.

I still can’t believe we never see this thing again. SUCH A WASTE.

Well, after the ending of this book of course. But there is definitely another story in this. Something sinister with the Mirror at the Ministry when Harry is an Auror. First link in the HP EU chain - pulp novel Auror Mysteries.

“It was only when he was back in bed that it struck Harry that Dumbledore might not have been quite truthful [about seeing thick, woollen socks]. But then, he thought, as he shoved Scabbers off his pillow, it had been quite a personal question.” 

Yes, definitely did not see socks. I’m willing to be he saw something similar to what Harry saw.

JK has said something similar, I believe. Which is kind of a shame because that was another eccentric Dumbledore moment I really liked as a kid. But I do also appreciate that he plays up the “crazy old man” angle so he can be more Machiavellian on the side.

(What a cruel way to end the chapter, mentioning Scabbers, the reason why his parents showed up in the mirror to begin with. Curse you, JK.)

I’d kind of forgotten about Scabbers since last discussing him but I have to give another set of props to JK for actually making this first book so important in the grand scheme - all the Snape bits that align to later revelations, Scabbers, the Invisibility Cloak… and just being aces at crafting a story. I liked this book as a kid but my gosh am I enjoying an honest adult close-up look at the details of how she wove this seven-book beast together.

[chapter198]

Day 11: Quidditch

A good matter-of-fact title. No wondering what’s going to happen here. This chapter will be about curling. 

Will it not be? I got all psyched up for the curling chapter. I’m just going to skip to the Mirror of Erised one. That one’s about tornados.

I love when Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton show up.

We should read the supplementary books as well.

I can see Quidditch Through the Ages sitting on my shelf over there and am always down to flip through that. We can power through each in one post at some point in the summer.

Excellent plan.

Lee Jordan mentions that Alicia Spinnet was a reserve last year, but I don’t remember any mention of reserve players in the later books. Must keep an eye out. 

Not even when Harry is the one putting together the team, if I recall correctly.

Harry doesn’t need a reserve team. He’s confident in choosing all the Weasleys for Team Gryffindor. 

"WHAM! A roar of rage echoed from the Gryffindors below —”

Hey, they hate Last Christmas too!

So should they.

"'So — after that obvious and disgusting bit of cheating —' 'Jordan!' growled Professor McGonagall. 'I mean, after that open and revolting foul —' 'Jordan, I’m warning you —' 'All right, all right. Flint nearly kills the Gryffindor Seeker, which could happen to anyone, I’m sure…'"

Lee Jordan is pretty much the best commentator ever, especially with Dame Maggie Smith breathing down his neck.

And he has a pet tarantula. 

That will one day grow up and eat Voldemort. According to Michael.

"Flint seized the Quaffle and scored five times without anyone noticing."

“Hey, you guys. I’m… I’m winning the Quidditch! You guys? Pay attention!” I read it that way too, but I’m wondering if JK means no one was noticing Harry’s jinxed broom stick?

Nah, cause the crowd is all watching Harry, as are the Weasley twins. Marcus is just boredly scoring.

Right. Poor Flint. 

Oh that’s… an interesting face. Hm.

“(...)she didn’t even stop to say sorry as she knocked Professor Quirrell headfirst into the row in front(...)”

Another great offhand Quirrell mention which makes him sound like The Wacky Teacher but also explains his real purpose in the scene. JK’s actually really good at hiding it in plain sight. I’ve been impressed so far with how he’s been handled.

This chapter-ending feels decent. Inoffensive but uninteresting. Gives us something in the way of Nicolas Flamel, but doesn’t really end on a high note. 

I think the problem is that it ends in the middle of a conversation. “Hagrid looked furious with himself.” And then what?

And then “Christmas was coming.”

...yes, that's amazing. But why doesn’t he kick them out or something? End the chapter with the end of the conversation rather than right before the kids badger him for info - we learn later that he didn’t give them anything else (or we assume) - but couldn’t we have the few lines of Hagrid awkwardly shuffling the kids out of the hut for some half-baked reason and then slamming and locking the door behind him? Or at least an ending. I don’t know. Am I criticizing too heavily? It’s a good chapter! It just ends weirdly.

No, I agree - had Hagrid booted them from the hut and had the chapter end with some mumbling and a heavily shut door, it would have felt more complete. 

Anyway, Mirror of Erised time! Pack up your storm chasing gear. There’s raptors in them clouds.

[chapter198]

Day 10: Hallowe'en

Professor McGonagall is like the coolest professor ever, buying her students broomsticks. Also favoritism.

Fun fact: I used to have a huge crush on Oliver Wood circa 2002.

Also I think I can explain Quidditch better than any other actual sport. Am I a wizard yet?

“I wouldn’t be surprised if you turn out better than Charlie Weasley, and he could have played for England if he hadn’t gone off chasing dragons.”

I’m just going to repeat myself again - Harry Potter. Expanded Universe. Etc.

Charlie and Bill have such interesting lives. I want to follow what they get up to. So as I’ve said in the past, I agree with your thoughts completely. Pottermore should be better utilized. Or just a massive set of encyclopedic tomes.

“Never forget Wizard Baruffio, who said s instead of f and found himself on the floor with a buffalo on his chest.”

What a great little verse to mention twice in 126 pages.

The moral of the story is that wizards abolished the long s as a safety concern in the late 17th century.

You are so correct.

I expected more details around the Hallowe’en feast. It’s the HALLOWE’EN FEAST. At a wizarding school. I guess JK does mention the bats and the black clouds and floating candle pumpkins. I won’t be greedy and ask for more.

I miss the phrase “troll bogies”. America is just a linguistic dystopia.

Wait, what does it say in your version?

Wild guess.

Um… troll snot.

Boogers. Troll boogers.

Bogies is better. No competition.

Philosopher’s is always better. That’s the rule.

I think this means we need to move to the UK. Also I think Ron’s advice from last chapter about dodging is still relevant here when it comes to trolls.

“It was as if Snape had started handing out sweets.”

Wonderful.

They only lost 5 points from Hermione, and Harry and Ron each earned 5… seems so low for a near death crash course in wizarding stupidity. I just had a thought though - maybe the amount of points one can earn or lose is relative to what year you’re in. Maybe first years can’t lose as many points as a fifth year, and the number of points you can lose or contribute increases each year? Either that or JK was just upped the points for no reason as the years went on.

In Prisoner of Azkaban they’d get forty for chaining the door successfully. In Order of the Phoenix they’d get seventy for finding the bathroom so quickly.

But from that moment on, Hermione Granger became their friend. There are some things you can’t share without ending up liking each other, and knocking out a twelve-foot mountain troll is one of them.

Another solid chapter ending. Also I always like when kids’ books state outlandish things as fact.

[chapter198]

Day 9: The Midnight Duel

I want a Remembrall.

I’d be just like Neville, forgetting what I’d forgot. Pointless.

You need to install the upgrade, Remembrall 2.0. It tells you what you forgot. A necessary patch.

2.0.1 also doesn’t catch fire!

“Their teacher, Madam Hooch, arrived. She had short, grey hair and yellow eyes like a hawk.”

Is the only connection to birds here that Hooch sounds like hoot (as in hoot hoot bird noises), or is there something else my mind is grasping onto? It does say “like a hawk” in the exact same thing you quoted.

No, I realize that. I mean, is Hooch an avian themed word in anyway? It sounds like it should be.

I don’t think so. Just hoot hoot bird noises.

Of course Harry is the first ever first year to make the Quidditch team.

He’s the chooooosen ooooooooone. Get used to it.

Also, in the movie, they show James Potter’s name on the Quidditch plaque listed as a Seeker. This is, in fact, incorrect. He was a Chaser. This irritates me to no end. Just because Harry is a natural Seeker doesn’t mean his father had to be one too. Although to be fair, it isn’t mentioned in this book and they may have had to make up for what they didn’t know. 

It must be hard living in your head. (Although to be honest every time something in the Doctor Who EU contradicts something else I go whyyyyyyy so it’s hard living in my head too.)

I’m glad we understand each other.

I need to find out if it was known that James was a Chaser by the time the first movie was released. I will come back to this.*

In reaching the actual duel parts of this chapter, I just remembered the “holy crap” moment in Half Blood Prince with Sectumsempra - now there’s a good adaptation moment in the movie! Might be getting ahead of myself though.

“— and you mustn’t go wandering around the school at night, think of the points you’ll lose Gryffindor if you’re caught, and you’re bound to be. It’s really very selfish of you.”

“And it’s really none of your business,” said Harry.

“Good-bye,” said Ron.

Once again, nothing to add. I just like this.

Good partner-in-crime one-two punch there.

Ron had spent all evening giving him advice such as “If he tries to curse you, you’d better dodge it, because I can’t remember how to block them.”

This is your Rocky-style trainer, Harry. He’s a real champion-maker.

This is why Harry resorts to trying to kill Death Eaters with Expelliarmus the entire series. Once he learned to block, he stuck with it, because hey, it’s better than dodging!

All their problems - like Transfiguration homework, and duelling Malfoy, and losing house points, etc. - seem so trivial in light of later events.

I forgot about the forbidden corridor on the third floor where they keep Fluffy.

I remember all of this vividly from hearing it read chapter by chapter in class (and then reading it a few times) - this is the HP book I have imagined the most thoroughly.

“Between Filch and death, he’d take Filch.”

Great line.

* In an interview from October 2000, JK confirms that James played Chaser. Philosopher’s Stone was released in theatres November 2001. Unacceptable. 

[houseofblackwrites]

Before the Hogwarts Express, some young wizards and witches made their way to Hogwarts on broomsticks and in enchanted carriages

There are other fractional platforms at King’s Cross station. Try 7 1/2 for a trip to wizard-only villages in Europe.

It took five and a half minutes for the Sorting...

[chapter198]

A couple of these answer some questions I had - Namely, "are there other fractional platforms?", "what's the deal with them picture folk" and "has a squib ever made it into Hogwarts?

These, by the way, are samples of "Pottermore bonus content" thrown into the new Bloomsbury edition - as if I needed another reason to love these editions after seeing the covers.

A couple more chapters should go up tonight :)

[chapter198]

Day 8: The Potions Master

“Filch owned a cat called Mrs. Norris, a scrawny, dust-coloured creature with bulging, lamplike eyes just like Filch’s.”

It always threw me off that the British say “called” instead of “named” (Surprisingly still “called” in mine - but I say “called” all the time, don’t you say “called”? No, I say “named.” “His cat was named Mrs. Norris.”)

I think Mrs. Norris is a person trapped in a cat (or in the Taraverse, was Mr. Norris, the janitor - better fate than B’loody Mary or the Crookshanks curse though.)

I actually can’t picture Filch as anyone but David Bradley because it’s tied for the Best Casting of a Novel Character ever with about twelve other Harry Potter characters.

“Professor Binns had been very old indeed when he had fallen asleep in front of the staff room fire and got up next morning to teach, leaving his body behind him.”

 Hilarious. Just hilarious.

I wish he was featured in the movies. A dead History professor who keeps teaching as a ghost.

That’s such a funny line but there is no real way to throw that in other than someone saying it and it kinda loses something in dialogue rather than being part of the narration. Although imagine a montage of these little paragraphs where we see the midnight telescope stuff, Binns droning on, Flitwick falling over when he sees Harry’s name…

It bothers me that they changed his appearance mid-series in the movies.

Wasn’t he always Warwick Davis though?

YES. So I really don’t understand the point.

Oh wow I see that:

I don’t know why they changed him so much? Maybe to make Warwick more recognizable? There’s a side story about Flitwick and the Fountain of Youth in there somewhere I think...

(IMDB also just told me that he played an Ewok in 1983.)

Yeah, and he was something like eight when he did that (er, Googled it, he was thirteen). He was a big Star Wars fan as a kid so it was a big deal for him at the time.

“So many of you have asked me the 'New look Flitwick' question, so I will answer it here, once and for all. When it came time to shoot 'Azkaban', there was no mention of 'Flitwick'' in the script. However, the producer still wanted me to be in the movie, so he asked if I would play the role of 'Choir Master'. Of course, I said 'yes'. When it came time to shoot 'Goblet of Fire', the director, Michael Newell said he liked the look of the choir master, and from that moment, the character became known as 'Flitwick'.”

I don’t like that explanation. That’s such a dumb explanation. I blame Alfonso. WHAT ABOUT CONTINUITY. DOES CONTINUITY MEAN NOTHING.

Why didn’t they just say “oh we want Warwick why don’t we make the Choir Director Flitwick instead”??? Yes, let’s blame Alfonso. I have a feeling there will be a lot of that come January.

And a lot of this GIF to express my frustration:

That can just be shorthand for “What A Strange Decision Alfonso Cuaron Has Made Today”.

 Yes.

“...for another, they had noticed a funny smell hung around the turban…”

Ah, putrescence.

 “You — Potter — why didn’t you tell him not to add the quills? Thought he’d make you look good if he got it wrong, did you?”

Oh, now THAT is good foreshadowing and hinting at Snape’s relationship with Harry’s dad and such. Because reading that in Book One, you think “wow what a jerk” but after knowing that he’s expecting Harry to be a hotheaded bully, it actually seems like he might have legitimately considered that act a possibility.

Could have been different if he was actually raised by James. Who knows. Seems like no one realizes that this is all ridiculously new to Harry and he’s just as overwhelmed by the wizarding world as they are by his existence.

I think the points for not knowing about wormwood and all that were actually just Snape showing off and taking revenge. Or of course taking Harry down a peg (not knowing that he was already fairly level-headed to begin with).

I like how in the first book, teachers take one point away at a time and it’s a HUGE deal. The amount of points taken away is exponential as the series progresses.

“Snape’s always taking points off Fred and George.” HARRY POTTER NEEDS AN EXPANDED UNIVERSE FOR THINGS LIKE THIS.

Try fanfiction.net.

Fanfiction is a poor man’s EU. Like in so many universes, EU material contradicts itself and such, but in fanfic, nothing connects to anything else and it just makes you wish things were true that aren’t. But JK’s gonna hold onto that canon like George Lucas until she CGIs Harry and Hermione into a relationship and sells the rights to Disney.

I weep for the future.

Greedo shot first, and was in Slytherin ‘cause he was evil, obviously. Just like bloody Umbridge.

We’ll come back to Umbridge later. I will hold my house rage for now.

I will do the same, but I want it noted that this is done under protest.

A crossbow and a pair of galoshes were outside the front door. The Crossbow and Galoshes, solid pub name. Robbie Coltrane should open one.

I’d go.

“Hagrid’s big, hairy face..."

JK really likes that phrase, doesn’t she?

 “And did Hagrid know something about Snape that he didn’t want to tell Harry?”

Oh Hagrid knows so much about Snape that he doesn’t want to tell Harry.

Yeah…

“But he seemed to really hate me.”

“Rubbish!” said Hagrid. “Why should he?”

Yet Harry couldn’t help thinking that Hagrid didn’t quite meet his eyes when he said that.

...that’s not the most subtle but I think it works. Not all foreshadowing needs to be subtle.

I like that we get some movement on the titular artifact plot line at the end of this one.

10/10 for titular artifact.

I say this because it’s a different artifact depending on the version of the novel that you’re reading. Because who would read a book about a Philosopher durr durr focus groups

Boo market research.

And it is actually called the Sorcerer’s Stone in later chapters, in case you’re wondering - “As Harry moved aside, he felt the Sorcerer’s Stone against his leg.” - And yes I did pick the most suggestive quote completely by accident.

Is that immortality in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Yes that is enough intellectual literary analysis for this chapter, I think.

[chapter198]

Day 7: The Sorting Hat

I love this chapter.

I’m just gonna start off with this That Mitchell and Webb Sound clip about Hufflepuffs and then we can carry on. 

And I knew it mentioned McGonagall in “emerald-green robes”! And she seems to have fallen into the McGonagall I recognize. Perhaps it was just a younger characterization of her that struck me as off in the first chapter.

“Harry’s heart gave a horrible jolt. A test? In front of the whole school? But he didn’t know any magic yet - what on earth would he have to do?"

I feel this. The panic of having to prove yourself before you even feel capable of anything that could be asked of you. Sometimes it isn’t what you know but who you are that works in your favour…

“I read about it in Hogwarts, A History.”

I’d read it. I’d read it so much.

I‘m surprised that JK hasn’t done more of the textbooks. Quidditch and Fantastic Beasts are both great little books and I’d love to see a longer form book along those lines. The Bathilda Bagshot one would be a good choice but Hogwarts, A History is probably my first pick.

Agreed. Ever since she released the first two supplementary books, I’ve been waiting for another. And if I had my pick, it’d be Hogwarts, A History.

“This hat was patched and frayed and extremely dirty. Aunt Petunia wouldn’t have let it in the house.”

Bahaha.

"You might belong in Hufflepuff, Where they are just and loyal, Those patient Hufflepuffs are true, And unafraid of toil.” 

Hey, an informative description of Hufflepuff that doesn’t imply that they’re the left over house!

“They do stuff. I mean, other people do it better. But they sure do it.”

I think if I wasn’t a Ravenclaw, I’d probably be a Hufflepuff. But yellow doesn’t suit me.

Nor do badgers.

No, I suppose not.

I always liked the name Justin Finch-Fletchley.

“When it finally shouted ‘Gryffindor’ Neville ran off still wearing it, and had to jog back amid gales of laughter to give it to ‘McDougal, Morag.’”

 I like the delivery of this sentence.

They should have kept that in the movies. I mean I recognize that JK has established Neville as clumsy and forgetful about sixty times already (with eighty-six more to come) and they didn’t need to keep all of them, but that’s a funny little moment.

Had Harry actually been sorted in Slytherin, the series would have been delightfully more interesting. And complicated. Still wouldn’t change the fact that Ravenclaw merchandise is the hardest to come by...

That’s more ‘cause everyone who’s into Harry Potter enough to buy lots of merchandise is a Ravenclaw.

I never thought of it that way. I feel like less of a fan now. Thanks. (Must go beat everyone to the new shipment of Ravenclaw merchandise at Hot Topic.)

I wonder how some families are automatically all sorted into one house just Because. Like the Weasleys. Yes they’re all brave, but they don’t all think the same way. Some have qualities that could very easily come across as other houses’ traits. Was Ron actually right to be worried that he wouldn’t be in Gryffindor? I think he fits into Gryffindor more than some of his other siblings.

I always liked the theory that Ron should have been a Hufflepuff, Hermione should have been a Ravenclaw and Harry should have been a Slytherin - but being brave is something anyone can do - and they were all, as a result, Gryffindors. Or something along those lines. All my Harry Potter opinions seem to come from tumblr and such. Or childhood headcanon.

It’s because they all value bravery over the other characteristics, I think.

Ah, true. Hermione says something like that later. Where she says cleverness isn’t as important as what Harry does.

Yes, that.

I like that Sirius was rebellious enough to land in Gryffindor.

Gryffindor is definitely the rebel house.

Do you know how many fanfictions described him as “the Black sheep.” I can’t even.

Ugggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggh

“Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!”

Eccentric Dumbledore is definitely one of my favourite characters in the series. High heels and lemon sherbet. And he still has gravitas (and a PHOENIX) despite being a crazy old man.

Dumbledore is just wonderful. Here. Before we know what we know in Book 7. I’m going to enjoy Dumbledore while I can and save my resentment for later.

“I’m half-and-half,” said Seamus. “Me dad’s a Muggle. Mom didn’t tell him she was a witch ’til after they were married. Bit of a nasty shock for him.”

Basically Seamus’s origin story is an Irish remake of Bewitched. I wonder if that was intentional.

“Greasy black hair, a hooked nose, and sallow skin.”

 Hey it’s that stone cold fox that everybody loves. #theinternet

 “The hook-nosed teacher looked past Quirrell’s turban straight into Harry’s eyes — and a sharp, hot pain shot across the scar on Harry’s forehead.”

Wait. Why did that happen. Like, at this point in this books, we’re not supposed to know all that we know about Snape and he’s supposed to be vaguely menacing, a villainous red herring and a future important character but… why does this happen? Dearest Harry Potter scholar, do you know?

The timing makes it seem like Snape caused the shooting scar (...heh) pain, but it’s definitely Quirrell. Just more evidence pointing towards how eeeevil Snape is. Straight-up painting him as the obvious only antagonist. While subtly mentioning Quirrell in the same paragraph.

Oh I just realized what it is. I was like “I would expect Quirrell but he wasn’t facing Harry at the time. He was facing away from him.” And that’s exactly it. Quirrell was facing away from him…

“Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hoggy Warty Hogwarts..."

I’ve never understood this. Ever.

 Hogwarts is hoggy and warty. Look, it would all make sense if you had read Hogwarts, A History.

This.

I see your Labyrinth and raise you a Goblet of Fire deleted scene that I didn’t know existed.

Although I like the fact that there’s no official tune and they all just sing different ones and it probably sounds terrible. Impossible to do clearly in a movie but brilliant in a book.

I like the bit with the waving arms.

Perhaps it’s because I never went to a boarding school but Hogwarts always sounded a bit like summer camp in the early books. I mean, minus all the trolls and petrifying snakes - summer camp had way more of those.

I was clearly going to the wrong summer camps. Boarding school always sounded like fun because I just imagined it to be exactly like Hogwarts. I was unfortunate in that it was an adjacent floor that was Harry Potter themed when I finally lived in a dormitory. I was also 18 and too old to pretend to be at Hogwarts.

That dream seems like it could have either been more or less relevant.

It’s spoon-fed foreshadowing. Also maybe I just feel like it’s so obvious because I know where this is going. If I just look at this paragraph in isolating with what we know so far, it’s also kind of confusing.

The turban actually makes it seem more like a dream because at the moment that’s just a weird thing Harry found interesting. A part of his day. The heavy-handed stuff is like Malfoy turning into Snape and stuff about destiny. Which isn’t actually relevant to the rest of the book… or even the series very much?? Like I’ve wondered what the point of Malfoy is in the grand scheme of things – we’ll get to that later – but solely in terms of Book One, what is the point of having Malfoy turn into Snape?

Setting up the antagonism? I think it’s just lumping all the ominous characters in an unsettling dream. Either way, it seems like a little too much too soon.

It really is. And what is it setting up other than “They’re connected” - but we know that. They’re in Slytherin. Their only connection is that.

All Slytherins are eeeeevil, remember? Also Quirrell was a Ravenclaw. I like seeing what motivates people to go to the dark side and for Quirrell it was his thirst for knowledge. Which led him to Albania, etc., etc., Pottermore, etc.

I’ve liked all the hints about Quirrell so far. Namely that he seems like a wacky side character who’s there to fill the funny teacher quota but we’ve actually had a fair amount of foreshadowing about him.

[chapter198]

Day 6: The Journey from Platform Nine and Three Quarters

“Aunt Petunia didn’t come in to hoover anymore.”

I just like that it’s hoovering, and not vacuuming.

I don’t have to read Sorcerer’s tonight otherwise this would just be sad for me.

Philosopher’s Stone is where it’s at. Also we’re in the same place.

Yeah sure that’s good too I guess whatever.

“…and Dudley screamed and ran from the room.”

Such comedic excellence.

Why wasn’t this in the movie? This should have been in the movie. They need one of those close shots, like that scene from Dark Man, where Liam Neeson wins an elephant at the carnival, and his girlfriend didn’t want the elephant anymore… and then Liam Neeson breaks the carnival assistant’s hand, and it goes back and forth between everyone screaming.

This whole scene isn’t in the movie, though. They skip from Diagon Alley right to the train.

“Got to have that ruddy tail removed before he goes to Smeltings.”

He still has the tail! It’s been like a month!

I feel like they missed a lot of potential slapstick humour in the movie.

Also Sassy Harry. Just in general.

“Harry woke at five o'clock the next morning and was too excited and nervous to go back to sleep. He got up and pulled on his jeans because he didn't want to walk into the train station in his wizards clothes – he'd change on the train. He checked his Hogwarts list yet again to make sure he had everything he needed, he saw Hedwig was shut safely in her cage and then paced the room, waiting for the Dursleys to get up. Two hours later, Harry's huge, heavy trunk had been loaded into the Dursley's car, Aunt Petunia had talked Dudley into sitting next to Harry and they set off.”

Hey, wait a second, this is scene from the blanket. This is the tapestry.

You’re right, this is THE blanket.

Except it doesn’t mention the Waldo shirt. This isn’t accurate. Uncle Vernon isn’t pushing the trolley. They didn’t put him on it because 1) he wouldn’t fit and 2) no one would buy it.

Aaaaaaand Uncle Vernon has turned into Bane with Michael narrating the chatper.

“‘Have a good term,’ said Uncle Vernon, with an even nastier smile.”

WOW. He was just going to leave him there.

“Harry turned and saw the Dursleys drive away.”

WOW.

So wait, in the book, this takes place over the course of a month. So in the movies he was with Hagrid for August?

I think he went back to the Dursleys and we just didn’t see.

“Harry turned and saw the Dursleys drive away. All three of them were laughing. Harry’s mouth went rather dry.”

Okay this is amazing.

I was going to say, they have every intention of just leaving him there forever. Did they expect him to just walk home? Or did they just want him to never come back.

I think they just dumped them.

But then they take him back without question at the end of the year.

Because he knows Flipendo and stuff.

“Each of them was pushing a trunk like Harry’s in front of him – and they had an owl.”

There should be an exclamation point after that, not a period.

Rusk sack is a great British word.

Wouldn’t have been in the American version.

She pointed at the last and youngest of her sons. He was tall, thin, and gangling, with freckles, big hands and feet, and a long nose.

I kind of wish she had used Douglas Adams' description of someone as "He was tall and he gangled."

“Cats of every colour.”

Every colour? I want a magenta cat.

It reminds me of the horses in the Wizard of Oz. The rainbow horses.

I think you were watching the Pink Floyd version.

No, the rainbow horses. When they were getting their hair did.

That never happened. Do you mean the Munchkins?

No. It was after the opium flowers.

I don’t remember the opium flowers either but I haven’t seen it in a while.

Opium flowers?

The poppies. Opium flowers. Note. This is 1 in the morning.

Neville!

“Gran, I’ve lost my toad again.”

Possibly best intro in the series possibly any series.

"'What's that?' said one of the twins suddenly, pointing at Harry's lightning scar."

Wow. That’s rude.

"What’s thaaaaaaat thing? Ugggghhhh."

Ah, Lee Jordan. I always wanted Lee Jordan to come in riding a giant tarantula in the final battle of the series. Like, there's Harry and Voldemort posing and posturing before the duel and then Lee Jordan's tarantula pops out of nowhere and swallows Voldemort whole.

"Never mind that, do you think he remembers what You-Know-Who looks like?"

He looked like green light!

He looked like my mom dying!

“I've got Bill's old robes, Charlie's old wand and Percy's old rat."

I just remembered something I read about that. It was about Neville and how he was pretty useless with his wand until like sixth year and he says in Order of the Phoenix that his gran will be mad at him for breaking his dad's wand. That's not an original thought though. Wish I remembered where I had seen it on here..

Is there anything wrong with saying Voldemort’s name?

In Book 7, if you say Voldemort, the Death Eaters appear. As a way to track down Anti-Voldemort radical “blood traitors.”

So it becomes useful later?

Mhm. Maybe it happened in the first war, too, and no one mentioned it.

So, how come they didn’t stand in a jail cell and say “Voldemort” and then lock it when a Death Eater appeared?

They just get a bunch of powerful wizards and stand in a circle, pointing their wands in the centre and go – “Voldemort. Avada Kedavra. Voldemort. Avada Kedavra.” And just do that the whole night?

You’d make a good auror.

Is it pahsty or paystie?

A Paysty.

Paysty.

Egh, pumpkin. Pasties.

That’s just like a ginger. Ron is a pumpkin pasty.

"Harry turned the card back over and saw, to his astonishment, that Dumbledore's face had disappeared."

Wizards invented GIFs.

 Yeah! Interesting stuff.

Well, except GIFs restart. Tangent – is there a photo universe?

Well, no, because it’s only their personalities. They aren’t real.

But they can move from portrait to portrait. So there has to be a portrait world where they live.

It’d be 2D.

Yes, but it would still be connected.

We come back to portraits later on. I think in Book 5 after Sirius - um. Wait. That might be ghosts. Also spoilers. Sorry.

“‘When they say every flavour, they mean every flavour!’”

Every flavour. There are a lot more bad flavours than good. Like couch.

They mean food flavours.

Like boogers?!

Earwax? What about tungsten. Most flavours are not food.

Gangrene!

It’s earwax later that Dumbledore eats.

“‘Sorry,’ he said, ‘but have you seen a toad at all?’”

[...]

“He left.”

What a good way to leave. There are bits in My Immortal… uh, now I’m comparing that to actual canon. Well, there’s a part where it just says “He came.”

This is getting out of hand now.

“‘Has anyone seen a toad? A boy named Neville’s lost one.’”

He came back with a girl.

Toads for girls. Fair deal.

“‘I’m Hermione.’”

IN CASE you didn’t know!

But we don't know yet. 

Kissing the school’s ass before she’s even there.

“And she left, taking the toadless boy with her.”

I like that. The toadless boy. That’s a good band name. The toadless boys.

Make it just one.

Toadless Boy?

Toadless Boy.

Why are the houses so one note?

Gryffindors are good, Slytherin is bad, Ravenclaw is smart.

And Hufflepuff is for filthy casuals.

“‘Oh, you wait, Quidditch is the best game in the world -’”

Is he talking about Quidditch?

Yes. It’s not the best game though. It makes no friggin’ sense.

"Think my name's funny, do you? No need to ask who you are. My father told me all the Weasleys have red hair, freckles, and more children than they can afford."

He knows Ron as a pumpkin pasty.

My father told me all about you PUMPKIN PASTIES!

What happened to Crookshanks?

She stayed around. She was alive.

They never mentioned her in Book 7.

Maybe she gave the cat to her parents - she replaced her parent’s memories of her with the cat!

That’s great!

That’s actually somehow even sadder.

They crammed their pockets with the last of the sweets and joined the crowd thronging the corridor.

Thronging is a great word.

What’s the toads name?

Trevor.

That’s a good name for a toad. Any line with toad in it is a great line.

Any other thoughts?

I'm excited for the Sorting Hat chapter!