So my aunt is dying. She's been dying for a while, and I haven't been able to see her. She mostly just interacts over Facebook because she can't really talk much anymore. She's been an incredibly impactful figure in my life and the past week or so I've been fighting back impulses to buy plane tickets to see her out on the coast.
I even messaged her about it, figuring even if she'd rather not have me fly all the way out, (she's sort of... like that) at least I've opened up that line of communication and I can have another meaningful conversation where we're both just honestly accepting that there well might not be another.
She hasn't responded yet.
So I have 2 days off in a row this week, and even though I really can't swing that sort of last minute plan and the stress would be too much to put on the rest of my family, I could just about cover the cost of a round trip, so that I'd be there from approx. 5pm-8am
Today was the first of my days off, and of course I happen to live near downtown, and of course the skies are clear today, and of course I'm sitting outside my apartment at 3:30, and of course that's the departure time for the scheduled flights I panic-researched when I found out her date had been bumped up and the ticking was getting louder on this, and of course I see the plane. Of course I see the plane.
I sat there and let it hit me like a punch in the gut, and I knew I would never tell anyone because who wants to hear that kind of story with a sad shit start, sad shit middle, and sad shit end.
So finally, while it's still today, I'm putting this here so the next time I'm depression-spiral-turned-narcissistic-critical-self-fixation looking at my own archive, maybe I'll find this and remember a time when something hurt that was really worth hurting about.
Idk, maybe that will work better than trying to remember the happy times. Maybe I can leave those for the good days so my psychosis doesn't devour them too.
gummygunk
titsay
izzy806
stormborns
gracieabrams
snowghoul
vaporwave
pixelskylines
