hottie

please just don’t bother with me 24, she/her

[goth-queen]

[charminghomicide]

“Em, I have plans. I can’t come to his birthday.” A calloused, fat hand runs over a slimming, gray face. Black stubble coming through even though he shaved yesterday. The red oak desk has his laptop, a couple of contracts, and a photo of two punk twenty something year olds piss drunk after a charity auction. He pauses, staring trying to steady himself angrily from the constant pushback on the other end is making him mad.

“Danny, please he’s turning nineteen. It’s not like he’s turning five.” Emily huffs on the other end. Her fingers clutch at her brown curls trying to not yell. “Plus Cole and you haven’t been to a family thing in over a year.”

“I’m busy, Emily.”

“Cole isn’t.”

“Nicole can’t go by herself. You know that.”

There’s a pause. She’s holding an argument back of: I’ll watch her. You know I will. Instead she comes back with, “Daniel, please. I miss seeing you guys. Kaleb…he’s starting to act differently.”

Daniel sits up slightly. He knew this call would come someday. Just never knew when. “What’s going on with him?”

“He just keeps spacing out. I caught him talking to his reflection. It was like he didn’t know it was him.” She sounds near tears. “I caught a glimpse of his wrists…He won’t talk to me. He’s starting to act like her.” And that’s when she starts sobbing.

Daniel tries not to sigh too loudly. Brown eyes stare up at a cheaply done Corinthian ceiling. His thick dyed eyebrows join in the middle flexing his deep and earned wrinkles. “We can come for an hour.”

A broken “thank you” breaks from underneath a snotty sniffle.

There’s no formality of good-bye. Daniel hangs up and curses to himself before getting up and heading out of the home office. He doesn’t take his time to get to the master. It’s like this every night at this time. If he waited any longer he’d be late.

He opens the door and walks over to the bed. A sage green comforter covers up a small body. Long gray hair cascades against a dark gray pillow case. The transition of what used to be short and black to the long gray aging is still crazy to Daniel. Her blue eyes have even grayed with age.

“Hey Cole,” he whispers trying to gain some kind of connection. Her new meds keep her a little scattered. “Sweetheart, look at me.” Nicole looks up and a small reflex of her cheek resembles the smallest smile. Daniel accepts and smiles back. “There’s My Girl. How are you tonight? Are you ready for bed?” There’s a nod. Daniel accepts. “Are you still dry or are we needing a change?” No response. Daniel checks her diaper and finds her a little wet. “Can you ask for a change? Can you try for me?” Scrunching her face, she rubs her cheek against the flannel cover. That’s a no. “Baby, please try.” A whiney grunt escapes and a Sss rolls off from her tongue. Yes. “Good job. Ok let’s get cleaned up.”

Daniel’s quick to change her. It comes with years of practice. You never think that you would be changing your forty-eight year old wife’s diaper. He tries to ignore the faded scars and how small she’s gotten.

“Babe, we need to talk to Tif about your eating habits,” he tapes her up snuggly and pats her thighs. “I don’t like how much your hip bones are showing.” He’s going to have to check the security cameras to see if that brat nurse is doing what she’s supposed to. “And there we go. All clean.” There’s a bigger flex in her pale cheek. He smiles back at her. “Yeah that’s better. Ok bed time.” He puts her blankets back over her and puts up the guardrail. Daniel fluffs the pillows between Nicole and the guardrail before starting his own night routine.

Those gray, sleepy, almond eyes of hers lazily track him. Watching him strip his clothes. Put away his ring and his watch. The short lived scrutinizing segment of him silently fussing at his gray hairs poking through dyed roots in a vanity mirror are comical even though she can’t laugh. When he’s done judging his wrinkles, he heads to his side of the bed and puts on the tv. He can’t fall asleep in the silence. He hasn’t been able to since 2008.

Daniel looks over at Nicole before turning off the lamp. The tv’s blue light stuns the room. He gives her a kiss finally facing her, and says: “Tomorrow we’re going to Kaleb’s birthday party. You remember Kaleb right?” A sleepy nod. “Yeah hard to forget your nephew I guess. Well he’s turning nineteen.” A surprised hum. “Yeah I know little Kaleb’s already nineteen. Well, Emily asked if we’d just go for an hour. I said ok.” A small blink says I’m listening. “We won’t be there long, I promise. It’ll just be an hour tops.” Her eyes close, accepting their plans tomorrow. “Goodnight, Cole,” he whispers. Daniel doesn’t sleep until two episodes of some home renovation show are over.

He dreams of the deep, terrifying questions of their future goals they used to share before bed. We’ll finally settle in a cabin. Somewhere they can’t touch us. You can do whatever when you’re finally in control. If only that was true. He’s got all the control he could have, yet he’s stuck with his father’s curse. He’s stuck with having too much responsibility and too many eyes on him. “I’ll get you your house soon.”

It isn’t as grand as most of the parties for the grandchildren have been. Kaleb has never been the favorite. He’s his mom’s favorite and weirdly enough his Uncle Danny’s too. The others call him names and treat him like he’s an outsider. He doesn’t look like his siblings. All of them have chocolate brown or golden toast hair and brown eyes. Do not forget the Rockwell brown eyes. Kaleb’s hair is a warm black, it used to be a lot darker but he bleached his hair once to try and look like his siblings and dad. It didn’t work. And to top it off his eyes are blue. A celestite blue. Bright and cheerful but dulled by harsh cheekbones and long black hair. His mom pulled it back today because she woke him up, noticed how knotted it was and said I’ll deal with it later. Get dressed.

So now here he is in a striped turtleneck his mom picked out and a pair of his sister’s old skinny jeans since she’s gotten “too fat”. His mom says you remind me of your dad when we first met. But how could he? He looks like neither of them. Now he’s wearing the stupid red party hat for a picture while his friends Willow and Mike hang around the side.

They all are an eyesore to the rich navy, khaki family surrounding. He’s almost done with pictures but then the gate opens and Uncle Danny and Aunt Nicole come in. Aunt Nicole in a loose black high collar shirt and matching linen pants with no shoes in her wheelchair. The usual. Uncle Danny in a dark green pollo and black dress pants. The only two who also stand out in the sea of navy khaki. Uncle Ryan and his wife Tracey stare for a minute and then Uncle Corey and his girlfriend Caroline or Kelley (no one remembers) does too.

Daniel looks and nods at his nephew before rolling his wife to the corner Emily and Dylan, her newest husband. Emily smiles only at Nicole and greets her brother.

“Dude, can we go to your room?” Mike asks. Willow hangs on to him and her eyeliner making her green eyes look bigger.

“Yeah, just let me say hey to my aunt and uncle and I’ll meet you there.” Kaleb says and just lets them head inside. He walks cautiously over. Daniel clocks him first and turns on a smile and says, “Your mom making you wear that?” Nicole looks away from Emily and finds her matching eyes looking back at him. “Happy birthday Kay,” Daniel says, hugging his nephew.

“Thanks,” Kaleb says. “I didn’t know you guys were coming. Did mom make you?”

“Kay, I don’t just come to birthday parties. Name one we’ve come to this year.” Kaleb thinks and just shakes his head. Smiling to be polite, he looks back up meeting his uncle's stupid Rockwell, brown eyes. “See. I couldn’t miss my favorite nephew’s birthday could I?” Daniel says. He looks down at Nicole and says, “Nicole even wanted to come. She was excited when I reminded her it was your birthday.”

Yeah, right. The vegetable has emotions. “Oh yeah? Well thank you guys for coming.” Kaleb smiles. It’s the same tight lip smirk he learned from his mom. He still doesn’t look like her though. “Mom I’ll be in my room ok?” Then he walks off to the house.

Emily tries to get Nicole’s attention again. She completely ignores her son. “Hey Cole.” Watery eyes meet dry dirt before looking up towards a semi familiar face. “Hey there,” Emily tries again. Daniel snaps his fingers, a warning not to push her. Emily holds back from telling him to fuck off. She smiles and says, “You feeling ok?”

“She had a cold last week,” Daniel says. “She’s finally feeling better.”

“That’s good, Cole,” Emily responds to Nicole. “Do you want to go inside in the warmth? I’m getting chilly and we can hang out inside while everyone else enjoys themselves.”

“We can,” Daniel says. He then drops his voice leaning into his sister’s ear. “Again, Em, only an hour.” Emily nods passively remembering the “agreement.”

Kaleb lays on his bed, Willow on his lap and Mike at the end of the bed. They’re listening to a blended playlist of their mutual music taste. Mike ruins the silence. His pierced lips separate slowly and he says, “So what’s up with your aunt, Kay? The one in the wheelchair.”

“My Uncle Danny doesn’t like talking about it and he gets really pissed if anyone brings it up.” Kaleb says. “It was some accident or whatever. My mom says it’s Uncle Danny’s fault. She gets pissed about it too.” He killed her. Emily said, spite on her tongue. She was perfect, and he killed her.

“That’s sad,” Willow speaks up. Her voice is nasally and oh so aggravating, but she’s hot. Her pink highlights are stringy and fried on top of dyed, crack-whore black hairs. She’s naturally a redhead if you can ever find a picture of her before she turned fourteen. “She’s really pretty. Her hair is the actual goal for when I’m old.”

“Her hair used to be black from what my mom has told me. She kept it really short. Said Uncle Danny started dying his hair to match hers. There’s no pictures of her. I barely remember what she looked like when I was younger because Danny never lets her out of the house.

But my mom said her lip and nose were pierced. And she stretched her ears. Grandpa didn’t like her, but Danny refused to break up with her. Says she was the smartest person until whatever happened…happened.”

“Oh that’s fucked up.” Mike says. “Maybe Ol’ Jackson Rockwell had her silenced.”

“Mike, you can’t say that,” Willow hisses.

“No, he can. My grandpa was a dick. He didn’t like me. Uncle Danny and my mom are the only ones that don’t treat me like shit.” Kaleb sighs and grabs Willow's hip massaging it to ground his nerves. “I bet he’d silence me too if he saw how I turned out.”

The conversation ends there and they listen to the playlist.

Emily sits on the bench with Nicole. She’s trying to get through the blurry veil. Trying any conversation starter. Daniel went off to talk with Ryan about some business near downtown.

“I can’t pull off black anymore. So I’m trying brown.”

Blink.

“Kaleb’s grown his hair out. He’s thinking of shaving the sides off.”

Blink.

“I think I’m pregnant again.”

Blink.

“I-“ “Mom! Callie won’t give me back my switch!”

“Mom, Luke is lying!” Shrieks a little girl. Both stomping while they run. Emily rolls her eyes and excuses herself like she’ll get a you’re good, go check it out.

It’s silent now. The fog is dense but it’s finally quiet. The yapping confuses already jumbled thoughts. Nicole knows she’s uncomfortable, and the man that takes care of her is missing. His shitty cologne is out of the room. Sometimes Nicole wished she could tell him, but her mind holds her tongue back leaving her vocal cords to stay dormant.

She debates whining to get the man back in here to help her. Then she hears it. A familiar pulsing beat echoing from upstairs. A defiant, restless collision of guitar and drum. Something about it hits her hard. The pulse feels like it gets louder as words jumble and collide. Her feet move before she realizes she’s walking down a long hallway. The painted cherry red door stands out against the other white ones. A poorly carved pentagram on the doorknob. A typical teenage dirtbag trend his mother calls it. Not like Emily did not do the same thing.

The door opens and all three teens jump. Kaleb goes to scream at his mom for not knocking. Then his eyes land on Nicole. She doesn’t seem to notice them but she walks over to the speaker.

“Hey, Aunt Nicole,” Kaleb starts. He’s a bit taken aback. Nicole is never alone. “Uhm, where’s Uncle Danny?” Nicole pays no attention to him. Just stares at the speaker as it continues the aggravatingly familiar melody. “Aunt Nicole?”

She looks at the speaker and starts to bang her head to it matching the drums. She starts moving with it. To them she’s thrashing and it’s comical. To her it’s 2006 and she’s twenty-nine again standing in her shitty little apartment that Mr. Rockwell gave Danny and her. When they called her Cole and her head was shaved and her mind was vivid and the fear that her husband was a figment of a cruel hallucination was constant. A busted lip and a black eye as she dances around the room. A younger Emily jumps around trying to catch up with her. Danny sitting in the corner a buzz cut growing out awkwardly, and his nail polish chipped already. They’re exhausted from going to a stupid bar for a shitty cover band. But this song, the album came out two months ago, but it’s like the day it was released.

Outside the bedroom Emily comes back to the bench empty and Daniel looking furious.

“Where did she go? Where’s Nicole?” He’s livid. The vein in his neck pulses like their dad’s did when he was mad. Daniel being the oldest took after their father more than their mother. “Emily June, where is my wife?”

Before she can spit out an answer, music from down the hall gets louder. The pulse, familiar and triggering hits both of them. Daniel’s face pales, You’re still going to love me even if it doesn’t work? Nicole asked him gently in bed. The song Famous Last Words plays in the background. I could never stop loving you, Cole. You’re my forever. Daniel had said, kissed her forehead and continued, It’ll be alright.

Daniel walks down the hallway and instead of seeing his frail, butchered wife all he sees is a smile and those electric eyes. Her hair isn’t long and gray like her aging face. She’s the girl he promised everything would be fine. Her vocal cords strangle but she’s pointing at the speaker as her favorite part of the song starts. He nods and looks like he might cry. He looks over at Kaleb.

Kaleb looks like he’s trying to find the words to apologize or just explain what he thinks is going on. “Turn this shit off,” Daniel says as he grabs his wife’s small wrists. “Cole, babe,” he swallows, “how about we head home huh?” Kaleb obeys and grabs his phone and skips the song before it ends. Nicole gets upset faster than anyone in the room could react. Nicole stares at Danny and tries his name but it doesn’t come out right. “I know babe you love that song, but we gotta go home.” He knows she’ll have a meltdown if she gains too much consciousness. The last time she came through it caused a seizure. “Come on, it's time to head home.” Daniel repeats himself, picking her up and carrying her out of the room.

Emily stands in the hallway noticing how upset Nicole is instantly. She wants to say something, but Daniel says, “No, Em.”

“Danny…”

“I said no Emily.” His eyes are dark like their dad’s. “I’ll talk to you later.”

“God this is why people hate you, Danny.” Emily lets her feelings spill over. “She clearly does not want to leave. And you can’t even stay for your own...”

“Finish that sentence. I dare you, Em.” Daniel opens the door. He adjusts Nicole better in his arms. “I dare you.” She’s still very upset, tears and snot flowing.

“Fuck you!” Emily tries.

“Love you too, Em.” Daniel steps across the threshold and slams the door behind them.

The three teens stare out the window and watch them leave. Willow breaks the silence first and says, “You kind of look like her.”

“No I don’t.” Kaleb says.

“Kind of dude. A little like your uncle too.” Mike chimes in. “More than you look like your mom and your dad.”

“You have her eyes,” Willow says.

“Stop, I look like my mom.” Kaleb says. No I don’t. But I can’t be Aunt Nicole’s. She’s messed up. “Now drop it.”

They do and they go back to lounging listening to whatever decides to play next.

[obsidianpegasus-deactivated2025]

Fanfic writing is 50% actually writing and 50% staring at the screen whispering ‘how do words work again’?

It is also:

10% googling “synonyms for said”

15% contemplating your life choices

20% changing one sentence 37 times and then changing it back

25% “research” (aka wikipedia rabbit hole until 4am)

30% crying because the scene was better in your head

[chimso-writes]

When you realize fanfic writers are just fanfic readers who couldn't find what they wanted to read 💀

[charminghomicide]

The main reason I write

[aropride]

mildly depressed: man, been a shitty few days huh

moderately depressed: i don’t feel much of anything anymore really

severely depressed: i should probably kill myself

more depressed than anyone’s ever been in their entire life: i should get into slam poetry

[nondelphic]

writing isn’t hard. i just have to extract 80,000 words from my brain using sheer psychic force

[abbielauren2024]

[charminghomicide]

Healing

small one-shot

I wrote a small draft/one shot thing. I’m not too sure if I’ll continue with it. It’s a scene from an idea I’ve had so we’ll see

[bambistjames]

non-writers will never understand the mental illness of writing an entire conversation in your head while doing dishes and then forgetting every word the second you open a blank doc

[nondelphic]

"just write a little every day" ok but what if i write nothing for 3 weeks and then suddenly type like i’m being hunted by god