[chasing-my-beloved]

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

Revelation 21:4

[chasing-my-beloved]

You help me to see that which the blind cannot see. In so many ways You make me better. When I go to say or do anything I feel You guiding me. I am never alone. Thank you for the gift of the Spirit and help me to be as one with You and not this world nor myself. Help me to understand Your Word and guide me to step in the right paths you have laid out for me. Only You and Your will is all I desire.

[chasing-my-beloved]

Maybe I read too much into my dreams, but they have always been vivid and real since I was a little girl. I love to dream because of it and last night I had an odd but wonderful dream.

We are currently in the (painful) process of house hunting.

To say how much I have missed my rock..my lighthouse..my protector and safe place (my father) during such a crazy unsure time is an understatement.

So, it makes sense that a house hunt would be in my dream and a stressful one at that. House after house wasn't suitable for us or it wasn't approved for the loan. One "house" was even in a type of mall which was quite odd because I don't go to malls nor do I enjoy shopping like I used to.

We were exhausted. Discouraged. Then we found a strange mini A frame home in a small patch of sketchy looking woods. The history behind the house meant the locals wanted nothing to do with it. A suicide of a crazy man who failed at "faking" his death and actually did die inside the house. The realtor selling the house was a beautiful woman with a warm skin tone, long dark hair, and big bright beautiful eyes. She worked for the city who now had possession of the house and was being a stickler on the price. It was posted within our range but she was trying to bully into more than the extra we were willing/capable of spending.

Like a movie, my dream switched "cameras" and suddenly my realtor was taking over the conversation with her. Around me stood our other realtor (his wife), my husband, my step mom, and my father. He was smiling and giving that reassuring wink he always gave to me that said "no worries it will all be ok." I was so happy to have him there. My realtor/step brother was explaining out our situation with a bit of a back story involving the death of my father. That is when I realized, within my dream, that nobody else could see my father but myself yet he was very real and close to me. I could feel his presence and see him perfectly clear and he could even hear me.

The dream continued and had a happy ending with us finding a cute little house that was perfect for us. Upon waking up I knew that was a sign that even though my beloved father is gone from this earth, he is still very much with me during this stressful time in my life. I just remember that wink and remember the Truth he always pointed me towards and I know everything will be ok in time.

I told my husband this dream and he said that he does believe my dad is still with us and pointed out that through my dad we now have my awesome step family and the amazing woman who has been step by step going through the painful process of getting a real pre approval in our sticky situation. None of these blessings would be in our lives if it weren't for my father. He surrounded us with amazing people in his final years.

He is still very much with us and that just makes my heart swell with pride in being his daughter like it always had before. :)

[chasing-my-beloved]

I completely agree as I tried to express in my post “Solace in Separation” I never want to “fit in” with this world and am happy to be different from the rest :) We are here to love others in truth. To build the Kingdom. Only one name matters and that is the name of Jesus. 

[chasing-my-beloved]

God’s Fireworks

Last night I was blessed with a wonderful opportunity and memory with my daughter. After a severe storm and tornado warning, the weather calmed down and the air was cooler instead of so heavy and muggy like it was before the storm. The sky was a consistent display of lightning all around us in the distance, so I told my daughter to come onto the porch with me and see it. What we witnessed was absolutely beautiful and all I could think of was how much cooler God’s fireworks in the sky are than our own. 

I love fireworks. They are like magic to me. I love seeing the different colors and cool things that the fireworks can do. Spirals and sparkles. 

But the power and beauty behind the lightning show in the sky last night left me in awe of my amazing Creator. I cannot wait to be in His presence. I cannot wait until I am finally Home. To see the perfection of Heaven and be at peace. His awesomeness surrounded us in the sky last night and my daughter got to witness it with me. A wonderful memory that came after the chaos of a storm.

[chasing-my-beloved]

Solace in Separation

It’s funny how when I was young all I wanted was to fit in and belong. I wanted to be accepted and seen. Not for who I was pretending to be during my failed attempt to fit in, but for the true me. I wanted somebody to see right through the anger and selfishness. I wanted somebody to find what I couldn’t find and lead me to where I was searching to go but hadn’t found. Home. I just wanted to go home. This silly feeling that has come over me since I was a small child... I do not belong here.

Now that I’m older I know why. Because... I don’t belong here. I am different. I don’t mean that I am different in a better way than that of the people I know and love, just an acceptance that I am different than anybody I know. While they can relate on shared interests, or music, or thoughts of life... I don’t. I don’t care about earthly things. Truly any of it. I don’t care about a career or earthly success. I don’t even care about shopping anymore. Gasp. I know. My mind is now forever on Heaven and Jesus. The only place I find peace. 

I want to go to the broken and the lost and I want to love them in a way that they feel the love of my precious Savior. I don’t want to judge them for bad choices or lifestyles that go against my beliefs. I want to see them smile and sit with them in the dark places that haunt them. I don’t even need to be a light in that dark place. I mean seriously, who likes it when you are in the dark and some annoying light is shining in your eyes? Nobody. Nobody likes that. I just want to hold their hand or let them be but not be alone.

Because in my darkest moments...that is what Christ did for me. On the floor of my living room or while driving down a backroad... He was always there. Just there. Loving me in my mess. In my chaos. In my darkness. And that love was felt deeply and undeniably and thus pulled me to Him.

I want to escape the pressure of the white picket fence. Of the perfect marriage. Of the perfect children. Of the perfect body or perfect mental health. Of the perfect Christian lifestyle with the perfect Christian outfits and bumper stickers. I want to be free from this thought that if you are not successful here then you have no riches in Heaven. I want out of the traditions of men and of the pressure of the world that is not my Home. This is how the Devil put roadblocks up for the church and their commission. How are we to be busy doing the Lord’s work and being Heavenly minded as instructed in His precious Holy Word...when we are too busy and overwhelmed by doing man’s work just to survive? 

Jesus told somebody to let the dead bury the dead and to follow Him. Why? Because the dead (those bound by earthly law/traditions/not of Christ) people who are serving this earth are more worried about their earthly inheritance than their heavenly one. We are called to abandon it all and follow Him. This is all I want to do. I feel stuck in this trap of the Devil’s and want out of it. I want to forever be Heavenly minded and I never want to fit in to this place. God forbid!

While some may speculate that this is because of the loss of my father and a depression or phase, I do not deny that losing such an important person to me has brought me to where I am now, but now that I am here I know with everything within me that I am changed and cannot go back to the person I was before. I would never even want to.

There are no books I would rather read than the Bible. No shows I would rather watch than those that portray my Beloved. No conversations I would rather have than that of our true purpose on this temporary place we exist in for now. Like a key that unlocked a door that can never be shut again, I see it all so differently and so clearly how everything is just wrong. How Christians are either obsessed with earthly success or are more wrapped up in politics than in their Lord. We are instructed not to be yet they rally behind liars and manipulators because they say what their itching ears want to hear and like lost sheep they are following their friends not even seeing the truth anymore..

 'Now I beseech you, brethren, mark them which cause divisions and offences contrary to the doctrine which ye have learned; and avoid them. For they that are such serve not our Lord Jesus Christ, but their own belly; and by good words and fair speeches deceive the hearts of the simple. ' Romans 16:17-18

I do not know of a single politician that would not fit that description. The hate filled accusations for anybody who is not like them has caused strong divisions in our country. And this finger pointing nonsense is not the doctrine of Christ I was taught. Lovers of self. That is not the mark of a true believer. 

Why then, instead of rallying behind a sinful man, are we not rallying for Christ and His Kingdom and staying separated from the world? This includes politics  and hate to say it (not really) but it also includes false religious practices that have become the norm so nobody argues it and just goes along with pagan foolishness. I just cannot go along with it anymore. 

We are to gather and sharpen one another, but Why are conversations more so about gun control, homosexuals, abortion, and things that divide us..  instead of hurting people who need us?! The rights of the people...oh you sad, lukewarm Laodicean church...

While this has turned into more of a rant than I intended, I know it is my soul crying out in despair for what I see and for what I don’t see. 

I don’t see Christ as the center anymore. We are all too busy serving the world instead of serving Him. 

So while younger me wanted desperately to fit in, this me wants desperately to never fit in again. I find solace in separation. I find solace in Christ alone. I feel blessed to be different. I feel blessed to see what I see and to know what I know. 

And now every day I pray for Jesus to come and if not today then to let me show Him to a lost soul in some way and further His Kingdom while I can. All for His glory, not mine. All for what He did and His promises. I love Him so much for His sacrifice. I know I am not worthy. I still have quite the temper. I still need patience and faith. But He died anyway and now I know that one day I will be with all of my loved ones again. Forever! In peace and wholeness. No more broken down body. No more fear of what new pain awaits me today. I will be whole one day. I will fit in one day. Just not here. And that is perfectly ok with me. 

[chasing-my-beloved]

How can I keep from singing - Chris Tomlin (lyric video)

[chasing-my-beloved]

For thou, Lord, art good, and ready to forgive; and plenteous in mercy unto all them that call upon thee.

Psalm 86:5 KJV