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@chats-make-me-laugh
Mike: Did you see George’s face? I wasn’t this happy when my kids were born.
Susie: You’re a sick fuck Mike.
Mike: Yeah, okay. I think I’ll go home and have dinner with my wife for once.
Susie: It’s 10:30!
Mike: It’s New York City, Susie, don’t be so suburban.
Alan: The charges include aggravated assault and disorderly conduct.
Susie: Wait, they’re charging her for assaulting a guy who was assaulting somebody else first?
Alan: There’s more.
Susie: More?
Midge: The boat was far enough out from Manhattan that, technically, we were on a stretch of water that’s considered “international”.
Susie: What?
Midge: So France may have to weigh in.
Susie: France. Like, FRANCE France?
Gordon: That’s idiotic.
Alan: There’s more.
Susie: The “More” Guy!
George: Continue.
Midge: Since the guy’s wallet was in his jacket, and there was money in his wallet, and on a boat, money is considered treasure, I technically committed an act of piracy.
Susie: Fuck me you’re a pirate?!
Susie: Let me get this straight: you are working at the insurance office that we defrauded and occasionally doing stuff to the insurance agent, who is now technically in on the fraud?!
Tess: That’s what happens sometimes when you sleep with guys.
Bringing a Therapist to a Carrington Dispute
Therapist: The emergency session made me think this was a domestic dispute. Alexis: It is! He cheated on me. Adam: Ugh, I did not! Therapist: Okay, now I'm even more confused. Alexis: You cheated on our company - Adam: Because you stole my drug - Alexis: Because you framed me for murder - Adam: Because you paid someone to break up me and Kirby! - Therapist: Okay! Uh, the session is only 45 minutes. As much as I appreciate a litany of grievances, perhaps a truce is what's needed, yeah? Alexis: I already truced. And that's after he burned my face off. Therapist: I-I don't think hyperbolic metaphors - Adam: Burning your face was the only way I could get you to listen to me, and it only lasted until the gauze was removed. Therapist: Okay. So, apparently, not a metaphor.
House: What's the good news, what's the bad news? Chase: Congestive heart failure. House: ...is which? Chase: Is good news? House: Why? Chase: I don't know, it just sounded like you.
Cristal: So why don't we send the blueprints to an actual international rescue group, instead of depending on a doctor and a...well... Liam: ...A writer? Adam: Because the UN advises all international rescue groups not to go to Moldavia. Private security won't even got here. Cristal: So what makes you think you can do it? Adam: Look look, we're not going there to fight. We're simply going there to casually break in and... Adam + Liam: ..un-kidnap.. Adam: ...two innocent people Cristal: I think we should tell Fallon.
Wednesday: How do you lose him in a bathroom with no windows? Thing: *shrugs* Wednesday: A lefty wouldn't have failed me.
Luther: Our doppelgangers! Klaus: That's a made-up word. Luther: No, no, I learned all about this in Texas! Tell them about the paranoid psychosis, Five! Diego: Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I thought you said this wasn't a problem! Five: Okay, yes, technically if you're near your doppel for long, you'll go insane. So, if you ever see your other self -- Diego: Kill them. Klaus: Sleep with them. Five: -- avoid them! Luther: What the hell is wrong with you? Klaus: Oh, come on, as if you wouldn't climb Luther Mountain.
Five: Hey, Diego. I just spent the past 20 straight days saving the world. Twice. Can I get five minutes to relax before figuring all the new kinks out? Please and thank you.
The Umbrella Academy and Love
Klaus: Who in this room knows shit about relationships? I mean this one *gestures to Vanya* in secret love with some farm Frau --
Vanya: Her name's Sissy.
Klaus: -- which is an improvement on her previous love interest, *Allison shakes head* the serial killer.
Vanya: What?!
Allison: *whispers* Later.
Klaus: Meanwhile, I'm carrying a torch for a soldier I haven't technically not met yet, and Luther is in love with his sister.
Allison: Okay, again, we are not biological!
Klaus: Face it, the healthiest long-term relationship in this family was when Five was banging that mannequin.
Klaus: The only thing the Umbrella Academy knows about love is how to screw it up.
She was a horrible mother! Did I tell you the time she almost traded me for three pigs? Three! I was an attractive child, I could juggle, I was worth 5 pigs at least!
Crowley, Supernatural
English Colonizers
Clare Devlin: It is sorta your fault James, you tore the tickets up.
Erin Quinn: What the hell were you thinking?
James Maguire: I don't know, I was high on adrenaline! Anyways, what's it matter? I was never going to win that fight! The man's the size of a wardrobe!
Erin Quinn: But you're English, James. About five of you managed to colonize half the planet so you know, we thought you might have something up your sleeve.
Parents want what's best for their children
Rosie Gulliver: Remember, Jing, parents only want what's best for you.
Alfie Wickers: Yeah, I mean, parents always say that, but sometimes what parents actually want is really, really shit for everyone involved.
Frank Grayson: Are you saying my mum ain't good enough for your saggy, bollocksed, prick of a dad?
Alfie Wickers: No Frank. What I'm saying is that when my father is motorboating your ridiculously-titted dog-bothering mother over breakfast, that perhaps they don't have our best interests at heart.
Alfie Wickers: How old is Fred West?
Rose Gulliver: My date? Twenty-three.
Alfie Wickers: Twenty-three?! But I'm twenty-three!
Rose Gulliver: Yeah, but he's an old twenty-three.
Alfie Wickers: It's like this many sleeps 'til I'm twenty-four!
Rose Gulliver: Yeah, but he's a teacher.
Alfie Wickers: I'm a teacher!
Rose Gulliver: He teaches mentally challenged children.
Alfie Wickers: Have you seen my class?
Knowledge is Power
Alfie Wickers: What have you got to hand in?
Mitchell Harper: Oh, here we go. *slams books down into box labeled "Weapons Amnesty"*
Alfie Wickers: This is your science homework.
Mitchell Harper: Knowledge is power, sir. If I become a brilliant scientist, I could end our worlds with the flick of a switch.
Alfie Wickers: The only thing YOU could contribute to science is your body.
Alfie Wickers: Look, when I was your age, I had an N64. And that had far better games on it than Tokyo Sin...Zelda.
Mitchell Harper: What'd you do in that one sir? Dress up like a bender and play the flute?
Alfie Wickers: It was an *ocarina*.
Mitchell Harper: Oh wow, an *ocarina*. Bet that helped you get the ladies.
Alfie Wickers: Yeah, it did, actually, Mitchell. Maybe I should lend it to your sister.
Clare: My god, I'm sweltered here!
Erin: Then take it off!
Clare: I can't take it off, I've nothing underneath it.
Erin: What, not even a bra?
Michelle: Jesus, Clare you've no bra on?
Clare: Of course, I've got a bra on!
Orla: I haven't got a bra on.
James: Can everyone please stop saying "bra".