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Full disclosure: I don't actually know the back of my hand all that well.

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I go deaf when I'm texting

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Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

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I'm so poor I'm taking a vacation on Google Street View this year.

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When you meet me, you think I am quiet. Then you get to know me and just wish I was quiet...

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Jealousy is a terrible disease, please get well soon bitch!

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By all means, please continue to tell me how the life you created for yourself is so miserable instead of taking actual steps to change it.

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I was about to do something awesome again, but I told myself “enough is enough, that’'s plenty of awesome for one day”.

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I hate it when I plan my day and nobody follows the script.

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Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?

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How to have a flat stomach: 1) Remove all of your organs.

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I have a ton of leftover horse. I guess I wasn't as hungry as I thought I was.

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My dad just gave me a toilet plunger as a house warming gift. Dads, they're always helping you with shit :)

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The spider I tried to kill got away and now I have to move out of my house.

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My friend and her husband just got divorced. They split the house. He got the outside.

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I just gave my cat a bath. She enjoyed it. It wasn't fun for me though. The fur kept sticking to my tongue.

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When advertising your business on the side of your car it's a good idea not to drive like a complete asshole.

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