Christmas is Incomplete Without a Good Chase
➜ Words: ~3.5k ➜ Genres: 75% Chaotic Holiday Comedy, 15% Diabetic Romance, 10% “Sir This Is a Mall” Energy ➜ Summary: Have you ever felt so emotionally in danger that you immediately panic and sprint through a shopping mall like a fugitive in a holiday rom-com? No? Okay, maybe a unique experience for me. ➜ Notes: Inspired by the spirit of Christmas, the instinctive fear of one’s own feelings, and the narrative pacing of every mall-set movie ever made between 1998–2006.
Theo Matthews was approximately twelve seconds away from faking his own death in the middle of Harrington Square Mall, and it was entirely because of the woman currently speed-walking toward the ONE STORE he absolutely could not let her enter.
"THEO!" Nora Bennett's voice carried across the entire food court, causing several people to turn and stare. She was wearing a candy cane-striped sweater that should have been illegal, reindeer antlers that lit up and played "Jingle Bell Rock" at random intervals, and the kind of manic excitement that meant she'd had at least three peppermint frappes from Starbucks. "They're having a SALE!"
This was fine. Everything was fine. Theo had been best friends with Nora for seven years. He could handle this.
Except he absolutely could not handle this because the store Nora was racing toward—"The Book Nook," decorated with enough fairy lights to power a small city—was the exact same store where Theo had purchased Nora's Christmas present four weeks ago.
And not just any present. THE present. The holy grail. The first edition of The Night Circus that he'd special-ordered, paid an obscene amount of money for, and had specifically asked them to hold in the back room under a fake name (Theodore Clausington, because he'd panicked) until he could pick it up.
Which he was supposed to do today.
At 3 PM.
It was currently 2:35 PM.
And Nora was dragging him directly toward the store where his name—well, his FAKE name—was currently written on a "HOLD FOR PICKUP" slip attached to her dream present. When Nora suggested a mall visit yesterday, he figured he could sneak away while she was distracted by a massage chair at Brookstone to pick it up. But now, in retrospect, he wanted to bash Past Theo's head in with a bundt pan.
"Nora, wait—" Theo tried to plant his feet, but Nora had the determination of a sugar-rushed elf and the grip strength of someone who'd been rock climbing since college.
"No waiting! The sale ends in today! They have the illustrated edition of Night Circus for forty percent off!" She spun around, her antlers playing tinny carol noises, her brown eyes sparkling with joy. "FORTY PERCENT, THEO! That's almost half! That's basically free!"
"That's literally not how percentages work—"
"Christmas math! Different rules!" She was already pulling him past a life-sized chocolate Santa that was melting under the heat lamps (someone had made a terrible life choice there), past a choir of singing animatronic elves, past a woman carrying so many bags she looked like a walking Christmas tree.
Theo's mind raced. He could not let Nora go into that store. He could not let her see the hold slip. He could not let her find out about Theodore Clausington.
(In retrospect, Theodore Clausington was a terrible fake name. He'd panicked. The employee had been staring at him. He'd seen a mall Santa in his peripheral vision. He'd watched a YouTube video about subliminal messaging an hour earlier. These things happened.)
"What if—what if we get pretzels first?" Theo tried desperately, pointing at Auntie Anne's. "You love pretzels!"
"I had three for breakfast."
"Three—why did you have three pretzels for breakfast?"
"Because I'm an adult and I can make my own choices, THEO!" Nora's antlers started playing Jingle Bell Rock again. Were the antlers Bluetooth-connected to her agitation? "Now come on!"
They were twenty feet from The Book Nook. Fifteen feet. Ten feet.
Theo could see through the window. He could see the counter. He could see the employee—oh god, it was Jessica, the same employee who'd helped him, who KNEW about Theodore Clausington—
"FIRE!" Theo yelled.
Everyone in the vicinity turned to stare at him.
"What?" Nora stopped walking.
"I—I smell fire. Do you smell fire? I definitely smell fire." Theo sniffed the air dramatically. "Probably from that melting chocolate Santa. We should evacuate. For safety."
"Theo, that's not how—"
"SAFETY, NORA!"
Nora stared at him like he'd grown a second head. "Are you feeling okay? You're acting really weird. Weirder than usual."
"I'm fine! Great! Wonderful! Just concerned about fire safety!"
"There's no fire."
"Not yet, but—"
"NORA!" A voice called out.
They both turned to see Nora's coworker, Michelle, speed-walking toward them while eating what appeared to be a candy cane the size of her arm. "Oh my god, I've been looking everywhere for you! We have a SECRET SANTA EMERGENCY!"
"A what?" Nora's antlers played Jingle Bell Rock again as she tilted her head. Nora and Michelle worked at Bath & Body Works and bonded last month over their excitement about the Vanilla Bean Noel body lotion that seasonally invaded the shelves Novemberish. Although Nora was not on the clock at the moment (she "begrudgingly" sacrificed PTO for time with Theo), it seemed her help was needed.
"Brian drew his own name in Secret Santa and already bought himself a present before realizing, so now we have to redraw, but Carol is saying we should just do a free-for-all gift exchange, and you're the only one who can mediate because you're the only person Brian and Carol both tolerate—"
"This is happening right now?" Nora asked.
"YES! We're all in the food court! It's getting heated! Someone threw a gingerbread cookie!"
Theo saw his chance. "You should definitely go handle that. I'll just wait here. Or maybe go to the bathroom. Or maybe leave entirely, and you'll never see me again—"
"Don't be dramatic." Nora turned to him, and her face did that soft thing it did sometimes that made Theo's chest feel like someone was squeezing his heart. "Come with me? Please? You're good at conflict resolution."
"I'm really not—"
"Theo." Nora grabbed his hand, and her hand was warm and she was looking at him with those big honey-brown eyes. "Please? I'll buy you one of those giant cookies you pretend you don't like but actually love."
Theo was weak. If he had an ounce of common sense, this would be the ideal time to pick up her gift and Nora would be none the wiser. He was so, so, so weak.
"Fine," he sighed. "But then I have to... do a thing."
"What thing?"
"A Christmas thing. A very important Christmas thing that doesn't involve you."
"Suspicious, but okay."
They headed to the food court, where Nora's entire office was apparently having a meltdown over Secret Santa rules. Theo checked his phone. 2:51 PM. He had nine minutes to get back to The Book Nook before his 3 PM pickup time.
This was fine. Nora would mediate the Secret Santa crisis in like five minutes, and then he'd make an excuse and—
"Okay everyone, LISTEN UP!" Nora climbed onto a chair with the authority of a B&B employee, her antlers still playing their tinny song. "We're going to solve this democratically! All in favor of redrawing names, say aye!"
This was going to take a while.
Forty-five minutes later, Theo was dying. Actively dying. The Secret Santa debate had devolved into a full philosophical discussion about the nature of gift-giving, someone had started crying about their childhood Christmas trauma, and Michelle was now on her third candy cane of the afternoon. He tried sneaking away twice, but Nora kept asking for his input where it was NOT needed.
It was 3:32 PM.
Theo had missed his pickup window.
He'd somehow managed to sneak to the food court bathroom and emailed the The Book Nook: "This is Theodore Clausington. Running late. Please hold."
They'd emailed back: "No problem! We close at 6. See you soon! - Jessica"
So he had time. Probably. Unless they sold Nora's present to someone else. Unless they put it back on the shelf. Unless—
"Theo, you're making your panic face," Nora said, suddenly appearing next to him with a giant cookie. He was panicking in front of the Sbarro's. "Here. Salted chocolate chip with toffee. Your favorite."
"I'm not panicking."
"Your eye is twitching."
"That's just how my face is."
"It's absolutely not." She took a bite of her own cookie (sugar cookie decorated like a snowman, because of course it was). "What's going on? You've been acting weird all day. Are you sick? Is it food poisoning? Is it existential dread? Holiday anxiety?"
"All of the above?"
"Theo." She stepped closer, and she smelled like vanilla and sugar cookies and peppermint, and her antlers chose that moment to start playing Jingle Bell Rock AGAIN. "Talk to me."
"I can't," Theo said honestly. "Not until Christmas."
Her eyes narrowed. "Is this about my present?"
Damn her and her intelligence. "I'm not confirming or denying—"
"You got me something, didn't you? Something big. Something you're being all weird and secretive about." Her eyes went wide. "Oh my gosh. Theo, we said fifty-dollar budget! FIFTY DOLLARS!"
"I don't know what you're—"
"You're doing the thing where you won't make eye contact! You always do that when you're lying!" She poked him in the chest. "Theodore James Matthews, did you break the budget?"
"I—you—that's not—"
Nora's phone rang. She answered it while still staring at Theo suspiciously. "Hello? Oh, hi Jessica! From The Book Nook? Wait, what?"
Theo's blood turned to ice.
"You found a coat?" Nora continued. "In your back room? With my name and number in it?" She paused. "Yeah, I was there like a two months ago looking at... wait, what coat?"
Oh no. Oh no no no no no.
Theo had left his coat in The Book Nook's back room three weeks ago when he'd been trying on different wrapping paper options for Nora's present. He'd been so focused on keeping everything secret that he'd just... walked out without it.
His coat. With Nora's name and number written in Sharpie on the inside tag because Nora had done it as a joke last year when he kept leaving his coat places, writing "PROPERTY OF NORA BENNETT'S BEST FRIEND" in big letters.
"That's so weird," Nora was saying. "I haven't been to your back room. Are you sure it's my name?" Pause. "It says what? Property of Nora Bennett's best friend?" She turned to look at Theo slowly. "That's... that's Theo's coat."
Theo did the only logical thing.
He ran.
"THEO!" Nora yelled behind him. "GET BACK HERE!"
But Theo was already sprinting through the mall, weaving between shoppers, his long legs carrying him past the melting chocolate Santa, past the animatronic elves (one of them was now on fire—had he been right about the fire thing?), past a very startled mall Santa.
He had to get to The Book Nook before Nora did. Had to grab the present, had to salvage this situation, had to—
He crashed directly into a woman carrying approximately twenty-seven shopping bags.
They both went down in a cascade of bags and wrapping paper and what appeared to be several snow globes that immediately shattered, covering the floor in glitter and fake snow and tiny plastic penguins.
"I'M SO SORRY!" Theo scrambled to his feet, slipping on a plastic penguin.
"MY SNOW GLOBES!" the woman wailed.
"THEO!" Nora's voice was getting closer.
Theo ran again, now covered in glitter and pursued by both Nora and an angry woman yelling about penguin-based snow globes.
He rounded a corner and—
Crashed directly into a teenager carrying a tray of peppermint horchata eggnog.
Drinks went everywhere. All over Theo. All over the teenager. All over a nearby display of luxury scarves that probably cost more than Theo's rent.
"DUDE!" the teenager yelled.
"SORRY!" Theo kept running, now soaking wet and covered in glitter and smelling like a candy cane exploded.
He could see The Book Nook ahead. So close. He was going to make it. He was going to—
A mall security guard on a Segway appeared out of nowhere.
"STOP!" the guard yelled. Why did every mall security guard look like Paul Blart? "You're creating a disturbance!"
"I'M JUST TRYING TO BUY A BOOK!"
"You're covered in glitter and Christmas drink and you've created a trail of chaos!"
This was true. Behind Theo, he could see: the snow globe woman still collecting plastic penguins, the teenager trying to salvage luxury scarves, Michelle from Nora's office eating another candy cane and watching the chaos with interest, and Nora sprinting toward him with her antlers playing that CURSED SONG.
Theo made a split-second decision.
He dove into the North Pole Experience.
The North Pole Experience was a winter wonderland attraction that involved fake snow, real penguins (Theo still had concerns), and several "elves" who were clearly college students in costume.
Theo ran through the fake snow, past the penguins (one of them honked at him), past a group of children waiting to see Santa.
"EXCUSE ME!" an elf yelled. "This is a TICKETED EXPERIENCE!"
"EMERGENCY!" Theo yelled back, sliding on the fake ice they'd installed.
He burst out the back exit of the North Pole Experience, which led directly to—
The roof access stairs.
Why were there roof access stairs in the North Pole Experience? Theo didn't know. He didn't care. He ran up them.
Two flights of stairs later, he emerged onto the mall's roof, which was decorated with a giant inflatable Santa and several reindeer displays for the outdoor Christmas light show. Who was the roof decorated for? Theo didn't know.
Theo stood there, panting, covered in glitter and horchata(?), freezing in the December cold because he'd left his coat in The Book Nook's back room like an idiot.
The door burst open behind him.
Nora stood there, breathing hard, her antlers slightly askew, her sweater dusted with fake snow.
"Theodore. James. Matthews." She walked toward him slowly. "Why are you on the ROOF?"
"I panicked?"
"You PANICKED? You caused a mall-wide incident because you PANICKED?"
"You were going to find out about your present!"
"So? I know you got me a present! That's how Christmas works!"
"But it was supposed to be a SURPRISE!" Theo ran his hands through his hair, making it stick up. "I special-ordered it a month ago! I used a fake name! I've been planning this perfect Christmas morning moment where you'd open it and be happy, and now it's all ruined because Jessica found my coat and you're going to figure everything out and—"
"Wait," Nora held up her hand. "You used a fake name? What fake name?"
"...Theodore Clausington."
Nora stared at him. "Theodore Clausington."
"I told you I panicked!"
"You gave THE BOOK NOOK the name THEODORE CLAUSINGTON?"
"IT SEEMED REASONABLE AT THE TIME!"
Nora started laughing. Not a small laugh. A full, body-shaking laugh that made her antlers play Jingle Bell Rock again and made her double over.
"It's not funny!" Theo protested.
"It's SO funny! Theodore Clausington! You sound like a Victorian ghost!"
"I was trying to be SNEAKY!"
"You were trying to be sneaky so you... created a fake identity... left your coat in their back room... and then ran through the mall causing multiple incidents including what I'm pretty sure was a glitter explosion?"
"When you say it like that it sounds bad."
"It IS bad, Theo! There's a security guard downstairs looking for a 'tall man covered in sparkles'!"
"I think I would prefer 'festively decorated' in the newspapers and under my mugshot."
Nora laughed harder, and Theo couldn't help it—he started laughing too. Because this was ridiculous. He was standing on a mall roof, covered in glitter and some godforsaken concoction of a Christmas drink, having fled from his best friend like a criminal, all because he wanted to surprise her with a book.
"You're insane," Nora said, wiping tears from her eyes.
"I'm dedicated to Christmas gift giving."
"You're dedicated to being DRAMATIC." She stepped closer, and even covered in glitter and breathing hard, she was beautiful. "What did you get me? It must be really good to justify all this chaos."
"I can't tell you. It's supposed to be a surprise."
"Theo, the surprise is kind of ruined given that you're on a ROOF covered in GLITTER."
"The surprise of WHAT it is isn't ruined."
"Is it a first edition of The Night Circus?"
Theo's silence was damning.
"I KNEW IT!" Nora threw her hands up. "Theo, that book costs like two hundred dollars!"
"It's worth it."
"We had a BUDGET! A pretty sizeable budget too!"
"Budgets are just suggestions that I chose to ignore because you deserve nice things!" Theo shot back. "You deserve first edition books and anything else that makes you happy because you're the best person I know and I—"
He stopped.
Nora was staring at him with wide eyes. "You what?"
This was it. This was the moment. Theo was standing on a mall roof, covered in glitter, having caused a small riot, and he might as well finish the job.
"I like you," Theo said. "I like you a lot. I have for three years. And I got you an expensive book and used a fake name and ran from mall security because I wanted everything to be perfect, because YOU'RE perfect, and I wanted you to know how much you mean to me even if I couldn't say it out loud."
Nora's antlers played Jingle Bell Rock.
"Also, your antlers are still going," Theo added weakly.
Nora reached up and turned off her antlers with shaking hands. "You like me?"
"Completely. Hopelessly. To the point of creating fake identities, apparently."
"For three years?"
"Three years, four months, and twelve days. Not that I was counting."
"You were definitely counting." Nora stepped closer, close enough that Theo could see the glitter that had somehow transferred to her face, the fake snow in her hair, the way her eyes were getting suspiciously shiny. "You absolute idiot."
"I know—"
"I've been crushing on you for two years."
Theo's brain short-circuited. "What?"
"Two years. Since that time you stayed up all night with me when I had the flu and made me watch all the Lord of the Rings movies extended editions because you said 'if you're going to suffer, you might as well suffer epicly'."
"That was—you—two years?"
"I was working up the courage to tell you." She grabbed the front of his glitter-covered coat. "But you beat me to it. In the most dramatic way possible. On a roof. While covered in horchata. Which smells delicious by the way."
"I have a flair for the dramatic?"
"You ran from mall security, Theo."
"In my defense—"
She kissed him.
Nora Bennett, his best friend of seven years, the woman he'd been in love with for three years, four months, and twelve days, was kissing him on a mall roof while they were both covered in glitter and everything was cold and perfect and tasted like cinnamon and joy.
When they broke apart, both breathing hard, Nora was grinning.
"So," she said. "Theodore Clausington?"
"We never speak of Theodore Clausington again."
"Oh, we're DEFINITELY speaking about Theodore Clausington. I'm putting that on your tombstone."
"You're mean."
"You love it."
"I really do."
She kissed him again, and this time Theo didn't care that they were on a roof, or that there was probably a security guard looking for him, or that he'd caused a mall incident involving snow globes and penguins.
The roof access door burst open.
"FREEZE!" the budget Paul Blart yelled, still on his Segway somehow. "You're under arrest for—wait, are you two making out?"
"Yes," Nora said, not letting go of Theo.
"On the roof?"
"It's romantic," Theo offered.
"It's a SECURITY VIOLATION!"
"We're coming down!" Nora called. She turned to Theo. "Come on, Theodore Clausington. Let's go face the consequences of your chaos."
"Together?"
"Always together."
They walked down the stairs hand-in-hand, toward the security guard, toward the mess Theo had created, toward whatever came next.
And when they got to The Book Nook—after apologizing to the snow globe woman, the teenager, and the security guard (who let them go with a warning)—Jessica handed Theo his coat with a knowing smile.
"I assume you want the Clausington package?"
"Please," Theo said, his face bright red while Nora laughed beside him.
Jessica brought out the wrapped book in some tinsel-bow situation, and Nora gasped when she saw it.
"You can't open it until Christmas," Theo said.
"I know."
"I'm serious."
"I know, Theo." She squeezed his hand. "But I'm going to shake it every day until then."
"That's fair."
They walked out of the mall together—glittery, sticky, happy—and Theo thought that maybe causing a small mall riot was worth it if it ended with Nora's hand in his and the promise of something more.
"So," Nora said as they reached the parking lot. "What am I getting you for Christmas?"
"I don't know. Surprise me."
"I'm getting you a name tag that says Theodore Clausington."
"I will break up with you."
"We've been dating for twenty minutes, you can't break up with me yet."
"Then I'll break up with you in twenty-one minutes."
"You wouldn't dare."
She was right. He wouldn't.
"Merry Christmas, Nora."
"Merry Christmas, Theodore Clausington."
