2. modafinil feels great when itās in me (productivity! iām not crazy! i dont wanna kill myself! i like doing my work!) but when itās in the process of becoming not in me it is Not Good lmao im pretty sure that anxiety situation i had the other day was totally because my system was shocked by it
3. iām not convinced connor likes/cares about hanging out with me anymore because he keepsĀ āaccidentallyā getting caught up in other stuff and not coming over, not to mention he said heād pick me up at the airport and then i was at the airport for like. seven hours lmfao. i donāt know if this is gonna lead to a breakup or whatever but it just seems like hes not into it anymore which sucks and i am bad at initiating ~serious~ talks because i just want stuff to be ok, so i avoid doing the big talks, which in turn leads to the stuff i dont like becoming a normal thing in the relationship, which sucks even more
7. this time on HANNAHāS QUARTER LIFE GAY CRISIS: ive been thinking about how complicated my relationship with things like gender and sexuality have been since i realized i wasnāt gonna be aĀ ānormalā kid-- and i want to stress thatĀ ānormalā thing because i think that idea really pushed me to becoming the kind of teenager i was and the kind of adult iāve become, especially in regards to the sorts of relationships iāve had. the (very short) time that i dated mir in the tenth grade that was an intensely frightening period for me, not because of anything they did but because all the big talk iād done in the past two years about my sexuality (joining the GSA and coming out, at least to friends, as bisexual, which itself was a complicated thing in my mind) was suddenly something i had to confront in real life instead of just thinking about it. i had to be vulnerable publicly in a way that i hadnāt even really confronted in myself yet, even though i completely had told myself that i had. i didnāt know how to deal with it at all. it was confusing and hard and i REALLY liked them but being in public with them as a girl who liked and was with a (person who at the time presented as a) girl made me see myself for the first time as a person who could BE seen. it terrified me and i buried that shit very deep very fast. i didnāt want to be seen. i didnāt want to go through the process of informing my parents and my family and all the people around me that i wasnātĀ ānormalā-- i.e., the way they assumed i was when i was growing up. i found it very exhausting. i had to think SO much every time i wanted to fill that role, and that wasnāt something i was used to: i was a really social kid, so social interactions like that came super naturally to me. i was bad at keeping secrets, especially ones about myself, so suddenly having one that scared me so bad i couldnāt even talk about it with mir, the other person who it at the time concerned, was pretty much more than i could deal with at fifteen. i broke up with them because i thought the root of the issue was that i just wasnāt ready to be in a relationship and i didnāt want to draw out the pain for them when i couldnāt even deal with it myself. i think i really hurt them then. i didnāt stop liking them for a really long time, even after i started dating jason when i was sixteen. when i started dating him, it wasnāt after a long mutual crush or whatever-- we were friends, he approached me and asked me on a date one day. i said yes because iād never dated a boy and he was nice and he was cute. i wish i hadnāt said yes that day, but itās past. it wasnāt a good relationship. i felt too comfortable filling the role of submissive caregiving girlfriend and that became my style for a really long time. he messed me up i think. when i broke up with him i was in the midst of another sort-of crisis, where i knew i wanted to kiss girls (lmfao. gay) but whenever i looked that thought in the face it still scared me so bad that i just shoved it down deeper. i went on from that to be in long term relationships with guys who either looked at me as a caregiver type or just sort of blow me off while saying they love me. though tbh scott didnāt fit either of these. he was good. it wasnāt his fault that we broke up. that was on me. he was and is a good person. i was repressed and restless and decided to deal w that by going to vermont. i hurt him too. i regret that. anyway now iām halfway through my twenties and this feeling iāve had since i was fucking TWELVE is still there, like iām swallowing something in order to be a normal person even though, like, logically and literally and presently i donāt give a fuck about that sort of thing the way that i used to. iāve held this issue at armās length for the entire time iāve been able to see its face. like with jasmine when we were thirteen. as soon as it came to any kind of actual physical contact or addressing the thing that i wasnāt addressing in myself, i froze up and couldnāt do it. we wrote letters to each other instead. i can chalk part of that at least to the fact that i was fucking 13 years old and like also surprisingly prudish but like? it just set the standard for me. that time, the very first time i was able to put a finger on the thing i was feeling, we were having a sleepover. i had been laying on a sleeping pad on her floor and she was in her bed. we were thirteen. we werenāt sleepy and i went up and sat on her bed and she said i should just lie down with her and i donāt know what it was what stopped me because that sort of thing had never made me think before, iād slept in the same bed as my best friends before, it wasnāt weird. but like, the thought of being really close to her like that was really scary, because i wanted to do it. i really wanted to do it. i didnāt. it felt like i would be breaking some kind of rule. i donāt know. i went through my teen years and i graduated from high school a year before she did and during her senior year i went down to california and i was her senior prom date. that ruled tbh and we slept in the same bed during that time too. fuck! iām a mess. i donāt even know what im talking about now
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