he fumbles with words for a moment ( but then again, he’s always been awful with verbal communication - if someone tried to diagnose him, verbal dyslexia or something similar might be a prognosis ) before letting out a heavy exhale. it was the nogitsune, but at the same time – it wasn’t. he can’t deny that a fervent RAGE has lived in his blood since he discovered the argents had returned to this town. and while there is a fragile alliance between himself and her father - it’s hard to find much more than contempt for the girl that hunted him and his pack.
but he understands what it’s like to lose a family to the flames – and that is what pulled him B A C K. what kept him from destroying a symbol of his own loss. others ( he’d heard ) had been unable to fight off the nogitsune - his wolf had screamed between his ribs until he backed away from the gasoline, until his claws sank into the soft skin behind his ears, until he made himself bleed to clear his mind. and then a snarling beast ripped forth - and that might have been what saved the argent patriarch.
and the apology beats through his mind like a drum ( like his rapid heartbeat ). i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry. it’s an apology he never received ( because why would a family hellbent on destroying his species ever think to apologize for the destruction of his family ) but one she deserves.
‘i w– wanted to.’ he’s stuttering - he never stutters ‘but … i won’t call
your father a friend. but he’s someone i – understand. and i’m sorry
i almost took your family from you.’
i didn’t want to. i didn’t, argent – understand that.
this-- this is not something she wants to hear. it has always been easier to forget the history of their families when the two of them have always tried so hard to ignore what the names HALE and ARGENT stand for. it is not nearly so easy now, with Derek Hale coming undone and smelling too-much like gasoline.
( if i strike a match, will he burn ?
yes, yes, of course.
and he will survive,
a phoenix waiting for the lasting embrace of death.
------ thanatos will not grant his mercy. )
and a part of her aches to take all of this back, to allow Derek to progress with his life without ever having this conversation. this is not Derek Hale. he is not weakness, nor is he carefully planned moments of vulnerability; Derek has always been the silent strength, the quiet howl in the dead of night, reminding those who listen of the power within.
❝ I understand, please, just--... ❞ clinically and unemotionally, her mother’s voice sings. i want to be stronger than that, her younger self laments. find something real, Derek snarls.
she thinks she has found something, finally. found it in the beast of a man in front of her, in the smell of gasoline that lingers in the air. she still remembers listening to Kate and Gerard through the too-thin walls of her childhood home, hearing them discuss the lone survivor of the Hale clan. they had called him a mutt, then.
and now-- and now, when Allison looks at Derek, all she sees is a man who has lost too much and not taken nearly enough. a man who is too kind, too merciful in the way Allison has never been. she sees a man, broken by the wrongdoings of her family. a man who deserves more than she can offer, and yet--
❝ I’m so sorry, Derek. I-- thank you. ❞ and she means it, truly -- hopes that she seems as genuine as Derek in both her apology and gratitude. she is apologizing for so much more, she is thanking him for so much more. it is not enough, it will never be, but Allison hopes that if anything, it will be the start of mending the wrongs of her family.