my secret life

If you're bored, feel free to read my thoughts!

[cheerfultea]

Empathy

A really strong word, yet not everyone understand and be one.

Growing up, I thought that everyone will have empathy.

Then, I learned that serial killers or people who often commit crimes are the ones who do not have empathy.

Later on, it is not just them. It could be the people who are also close to you.

[cheerfultea]

More like a drug.

I met with one guy for almost a month. Yes, just a month but I am scared of falling in love with him. He's not in my city for a whole week as he went back to his hometown but I am here thinking that I should stop meeting him. What if I fall in love with him but the love does not reciprocate? I do not want the past mistakes to happened again. I learn that I cannot change people feelings toward me. But at the same time he is being nice to me and says that he likes me. but maybe just as a friend? but a friend wont do this things. I know all people will say that I should stop meeting him. Of course, it's because he is like a drug to me.

[cheerfultea]

Hi, it’s brokenhearted me again. And here we go again.

It has been 4 days passed by but I am trying to cope with this feeling. I try to let it go but it did not end like I wanted to for now. This time, I think I blame myself a lot. Of course, this whole situation is his fault and I entirely got over him. But I can’t get over the fact that I let myself go into this situation. I wrote a lot of letters and notes, but I still can’t express myself enough. Why do I meet him? maybe Allah plans to actually meet him. We were meant to go to MAHSA University at first, but now we are both meeting here. We met at an unexpected time, I met him when I didn't know that I will fall in love. This is when shit happens. When I love him too much. I regret that feeling. I regret that we should have just been friends, I regret that I crave more of him when I was still with him. I regret everything that I let myself get into.

[cheerfultea]

“Attachments”

It’s not because you are my only option.

It’s not because you are a green flag. 

It’s not because you are technically my neighbour. 

It’s not because you study a really good course. 

It’s not because you are tall.

It’s not because you are athletic.

It’s not because you are funny. 

It’s not because you are smart.

It’s not because you are a muslim.

It’s not because you meet my parents’ and friends.

It’s not because you cook for me. 

It’s not because you share the same hobby as me. 

It’s not because we can talk all day. 

It’s not because we like each other. 

It’s just because, we are just two persons that had broken into pieces, trying to fix it all up through hugs while hearing each other racing heart beats. It’s just because we are still trying to find ourselves in this vulnerable world. It’s just because we are two human beings who accept each other flaws and through these flaws, grow what is called trust. It’s just because, we are both attached to each other although we both didn’t admit it. Attachment is dangerous. Just because we are attached, does not mean the growing trust still instilled in me. 

[cheerfultea]

Putting myself in my dad’s shoes (part 1)

I would never have thought that I will be putting myself in my dad’s shoes. It was like a motivation for you to do better because you thought that you would not go through the same situation but in the end, God gives you the privilege to experience it.

Studying overseas is one of the stepping stones for me to begin this ‘putting myself in my dad’s shoes’ journey. It was kind of blurry at first. However, I can see the environment that my dad experienced as I am getting myself into my second year of study. I remembered vividly how he explained that it was a massive opportunity when he got the scholarship to study, as he was the oldest child out of his eight siblings. But due to the fact that he was the second breadwinner for the family apart from his father (who is my grandfather), he have to manage his own financial when studying overseas. I feel that, honestly. With what the world is facing right now, financial problems left me hanging all the time. When I was halfway through my first year, I gathered my courage (yes, indeed, I need the courage to ask this, if you know me well, you know lol) to increase my monthly allowance. Can you imagine, I am studying in one of the countries that have a cheap cost of living in Europe, but I still need that extra support. It was kind of absurd at first, but I have discussed it with a lot of my friends that are not that privileged. Hence, it was not a surprised. To compare with my dad, honestly, I can feel that he struggled more. He told me that thanks to his ‘rich’ friends, he managed to survive. He was grateful for all his friends. His friends sometimes help him financially. He also told me that his sponsor purposely give scholarships to those, who are ‘rich’ so that they can help these underprivileged students. In my mind, I was kind of mad when I heard that statement, but looking at the bright side, it was a smart move by the sponsor. 

Apart from that, during this period of being a first-year student, failure is one of the things that bothered me. The fact that I was competing with those smart-ass students, my self-esteem day by day becomes low. Alternatively, to relieve myself, I keep comparing myself with what my dad has gone through. He managed to overcome his failure and took the exams many times too. By the end of the day, he graduates with flying colours. I hope I will graduate with flying colours too (Amin). The second thing that I admire about him is the fact that he takes subjects that interest him, out of his major. Sadly, at my university, there are not many courses in English that interest me. Back in Australia, I registered myself in Journalism subjects since my love of writing, reading and documenting are endless. However, in my current university, the subjects that are outside of your major are just there for the sake of you completing your total credits :( I cannot do a lot with my interests here, hence I decided to start writing again here since it is summer break. It also breaks my heart sometimes that I cannot cope with my failure as how my dad did. He managed to learn skating (that is how he got into skating) and managed to learn to play the guitar too. It is hard for me here, because of the language barrier. Although I want to continue learning their language to an advanced level, but still no response for a class for it. Imagine, the boredness of being me lol.

To be continued..... :)

[cheerfultea]

Your future mad-scientist.  (part 1; inner virtue of myself)

While I was travelling, this is the moment when I realised that 2 years have passed since I posted here.

Honestly, 2 years have been a rollercoaster of a ride- sadness, despair, feeling of rejection, anxiety, falling out of love. To start writing again after a long time is such a wonderful moment. It makes you feel like you have matured through time, although it is just a gap of 2 years.

Well, surprisingly, as I matured, I don’t really care about my love life. Well, the reason why I need to talk about this topic is due to the fact that this Tumblr is full of my love stories 😂. Hence, that’s the end of my love stories.

Now, let's talk about the major reason why I started writing in the first place; studying. Yes, I admit, studying was such a pain in the ass, especially while I was in high school. But the hard work paid off. Like, legit.

Right after I finished high school, I applied to a private university as I wanted to pursue a course that a lot of fo people don’t really look forward to, which is pure science. Why pure science? Since forever, I have really like working in labs. Growing up, I love watching Sains Comot, Backyard Science and more. But who ever thought that my passions burned more when I compete in Tunas Saintis while I was in high school.

This is another thing about it, we were one of the 2 teams who didn’t win the competition from the school, it's kind of a shame to us. As soon as the prize-giving ceremony ended, me and my partner called our parents- that was the first time I burst into tears in front of my mom because of a failure. But that is also the first time that I heard my mom comforting me in mature, serious ways. it was a bittersweet moment, with a dream of mine to continue that project, proving that I did not just throw away my 2 years effort.

Hence, I decided to pursue pure science. But this is a tough moment too- I got offered to continue engineering, but I refused. Got a couple of backlashes from family and friends, but I don’t give a damn. Then, got an offer to pursue aeronautical engineering in Russia- this was the breakpoint.

I was clueless and anxious. the What-if questions keep coming to me, but still got that blurry line. I prayed istikharah and immediately that night, God gifted me with a dream that I didn't think of. it was a dream where I met my chemistry teachers, sharing all the knowledge that I have gained with them, and they were happy with my life. Teacher Fau was right, when she said that she sees me working in a Research and Development lab in the future. That dream was still vivid in my mind until now, hence decided to reject the offer to Russia.

Now that I pursue something that I like, I hope I can manage it. I want to shine the light on the world that being a scientist is not a bad thing. especially to the Malaysians who always see pure science as people who do not have any other options but to study this. It was kind of a shame, to imagine that Malaysia have a lot of clever, talented and smart-ass students, but in the end, asked tp pursue the Malaysians-renowned course: engineering. those smart students should pursue pure science (or medicine at least), win a Nobel prize representing Malaysia and prove that science is not just about engineering.

So kids, chase your dream, it's hard at first and feels like a fiction story but trust me, I am one of the fiction stories.

[cheerfultea]

2nd trial - ‘Feel-good’;

For me, this trial was the most stupid, childish moment. Apparently, this was a bridge that led me to forget Akmal - completely. 

While I was trying to move my focus away from him, little did I know that there was one guy that keep pouring his love to me - Haziq Nabil. We knew each other during primary school without me realising that we will get connected until I was 17. It started off like a friend but ended up like a sh*t.

We were talking like normal friends and I can see that he kept the conversation going as he always initiated the conversation whenever I went back for holiday. However, I was innocent and naive, thinking that it was just something that a friend will do. 

Until, he confessed to me that he liked me, and of course, he wanting more than friends. I was hesitating and telling him that I need more time to digest all of the things that keep on hitting my love in me. Hence, I make a deal to go out with him after the SPM. Why do i said like this? Hesitation. Nothing more than that. He wanted to come to my house,  I lied to my father, saying that we were planning to study. Me and my friends went out with me in order to meet him face to face. Guess what? the nature against it - he didn’t come to both of these plans. Yup, I was dumb, thinking that he was a nice guy and have a man in him to meet me.

Later on, in one moment, I knew that this was all illusion. He texted me one day, saying that he likes another girl that is my friend. And just like that, I was dumped. He dumped me like I was a total rubbish. If you ask me, just like that? Yes, just like that. That is the reason why I said that he was the stupidest guy that I have met in my entire life.   

[cheerfultea]

Just a copy of other’s artwork, however, it’s in black and white 😊. I just used a 2B pencil for the overall picture :)

[cheerfultea]

Dear Future Me,

  I know you have grown older now. You have drastically changed from day to day, month to month and year to year. And that is why you are reading this because this will be your future.This is your guide to the future you i wrote this when I was fourteen and maybe during this process of writing, I just experienced a fourteen-year-old journey whereas maybe when you are reading this, you know more about this insane, exciting life

  First, to future me, you have to know what is the meaning of friends. Friends are like your light when you are in the dark, but sometimes can be the Sun, watching you caught by fire and just making you more on fire, Well, friends are everything. As you grow older, you will meet a lot of friends and different types of them. But, do remember to always appreciate them whether they are annoying and lunatic. Just try to find a positive sides of them and look onto it.

  Second, you always have to prepare for the worst. Sometimes, god will give us some tests and you just have to face it. The sky is not always shining bright, just like our future. Just go with the flow, because without the tests, your life will not complete.

  Lastly, always gives back to your parents. Your parents had done a lot of things to you from you were crawling until you can survive by yourself. Do not let them down and always supply joyness to their life.

  Dear future me,

  I hope you understand your life and learn more about what are you going to do next in your future. Plan for a better life and do not ever let yourself drown in a pile of gloomy emotions.

[cheerfultea]

1st trial - went crashing;

Quick flashbacks, Amirul Hakim said that he liked me. I confessed to Saiful Afiq that I liked him - even though he had a girlfriend at that time- but I just didn’t give a damn about his so-called cute relationship with that girl. Just a reminder, all of this primary school love wasn’t a real love, to be precise. As you can read it, all of the confessions spoiled with the word like. However, I never notice those tiny little things until I entered the toughest and yet heart-warming journey : High School.

   This is where the heart of a fragile, innocent and naive girl was poisoned with a cruel love. Well, honestly, I thought that I’d never be that girl who someone will have a crush on me. Never. Like I said, everyone surrounded me said that I’m fragile, innocent and naive. I also did not admit it until I can feel it running through my veins.

    Form 1, during the second examination of the year (I think because I cannot remember it though), the result drove me nuts - I got the first place out of the whole batch in the examination. Plus, I got the highest mark in Malay Language subject. Of course, the whole batch started out to approached me in all sorts of ways - asked me how to solve math question, checked their answers and even talked crappy things to me. And guess what? The first person who was shameless to do this was a guy name Muhammad Akmal Rezal. I can recall the day he entered my class confidently and shouted “Siapa Ted?”, (who is Ted?). With a shocked face, I put up my lazy hand into the air, responding the question. And that is all where it’s started.

     What can I say? The love was in the air dude! Although for the first 3 years, I thought it was hella good. He treated me like I was the crowned princess, studied together and even helped me to step out of the comfort zone. It was too much memories to recall until I started form 4. Things get complicated - he betrayed me? or can I say, he was trying to push and pull the string of love with me? Push and pull the string as in I was the one who was always pushing the string? No, I can say that I was the one who always pulled the string.Yup, I pulled the string too hard until I broke apart the string and fell with a huge thud. Fortunately, he managed to tied it to the next person. As I said earlier, I was naive. From there, I know that I had to jump off to the next phase - moving on. Yes, I moved on although sometimes he teased me out of nowhere, but I didn’t give a damn about it. But, my friends said that my heart was too fragile to let it crushing. So did I actually move on?