&hearts; @cheeriosinyourspoon - Tumblr Blog

perhaps it's because i romanticised us. i imagined you as a father to my children. i imagined us dancing in your living room. i imagined us building a life together. i romanticised us. and now it's fucked me up more ways than one. because we can never be. you will never choose me. and i have bigger priorities. fuck.

there are days when i feel like giving up. two of my friends died recently. and that hurts me in ways i can't express. i cry, but it's not enough. the grief is too much to bear. i wish there was more. i wish i didn't feel this way. i don't think i'm good for anyone. no one really knows how sad i feel inside. i don't show it cause i can't. i'm thinking about cutting again, but i don't. i know that this too, will pass. i just need to ride this wave out. i'm okay, i promise. it's just the depression talking. who knew i would still be here. i thought i would have killed myself by now. living till 34 is such a feat. maybe someday i'll be brave enough to tell this story.

ruminating over all the decisions that I would need to make.

new wine skins for new wine.

O Lord, I know that wherever I go, as long as You are beside me, I shall not fear.

break my heart for what breaks Yours.

the little big things in my life. what i thought were important what i thought were vital none of them matter. nothing and no one compares to You.

and through the ages, You stay faithful

always faithful

what the fuck is this supposed to mean?

also, See Bee, you look like shit.

#cb

the gathering

now where do i start? oh yes, my emotions. validated? not by you. but by everyone else. so this is what i have gathered so far. some food to fuel your thoughts. 1. Why does my presence always seem make her upset? Evidence: Everyone at the UNESCO booth saw it. 2. Why did she ask people to not "layan" me that much? Evidence: Kuching Festival, ask everyone. 3. Why did she have to take a photo of her in your cap AND she has it pinned on her Instagram. Evidence:

4. The things/stories that she posts on your various social media pages are irrelevant to you as a chef. Evidence:

what does that have to do with you as a chef? 5. All the jobs that she has brought for you are low paying & low quality ones. Do you even need her, bro? (Hint: even Greg thinks you're better off without her) Evidence: Uh, hello? 6. Everyone at Kuching Festival hated her. Evidence: Ask everyone 7. She brings so much unnecessary chaos into your life. Evidence: - When you said you needed to rest, what was her response? "You're throwing your career away." "You're throwing all my hard work away." - Refer to cap photo (and many others) 8. If anything, you have elevated her status and she is now a "chef" even though she is technically not one. I doubt if she even knows how to cook well. Evidence: refer to JP. 9. She is trying to ruin your friendship with your friends and taking you away from your support system. Evidence: who is the source of all your quarrels/flights with your friends? She had the gall to tell JP that he was not looking out for you when she created unnecessary stress for you in the first place. 10. Have you ever considered that maybe she is the one with the problem and not her husband/in-laws and that her relationship with them is so strained because she is actually a really sh*tty person who manipulated her husband into marrying her and now he's trapped with two kids. No evidence here but again, just food for thought. 11. She is so insecure, she specifically bragged on her Instagram to show the world that your family bought flowers for her on her birthday. Not even her family got an appreciation post. Who even does that? Evidence: Refer to Instagram 12. Let's face it, Cloud 99 was a failed business. She sells liquid nitrogen from an ice cream truck. It is not even an everyday affair. If it were successful (like she said it was) then why does she not want to open a shop? I am certain if it were a successful business, she would have been able to expand and grow her business. (I have SO MANY pointers for this, my goodness) There's a lot more where that came from but I'm just too drained to write everything out. One thing is for sure though. she needs to get out of your life. you need to be freed from her. she does not have your best interest in mind. if she did, she would not have done/continue to do all these things. On a completely separate yet similar note, I am pissed. I am pissed because that cap photo is still up there. Did she apologise to you? Did she apologise to me? Did she even bother take it down? NO. In fact, she pinned the damn photo on her Instagram page. Don't tell me that she did not know that it was pinned. What load of fking bullsh*t. We are way too old to be believing sh*t like that. The fact that you did not insist that she take it down/delete the photo made me feel so disrespected. The fact that you did not stand up for us made me doubt your sincerity. You can say that you do not want to create drama and that you're ending the professional relationship with her after this, but the blatant disrespect that she has for us is just appalling! How can you let her do this to us? How can you let her disrespect us/me like that? Every damn time someone tells me about that photo, i just get so bloody pissed because when you do not tell her to take it down, it's as if you are giving her the green light to continue sh*tting all over us and our relationship. Or rather, you are not communicating clearly to her that she is fking disrespecting me. or maybe she is just weapons-grade dense. seriously. bless her heart and everything that comes out of her. cause it is never anything good. <insert eye roll emoji here> sekian.

#hangry #cb

t-10 more days (ish). i cannot wait until she is out of our lives. that manipulator. the one with devious intentions. the one who is really messed up. she's jealous of me. and everyone can see it. what the fudge.

cutting edge

so it happened again. yesterday and today. while we were on the phone. did you not hear? the sounds of it retracting? the inconspicuousness of it. but to those in the know. you know. you know how it feels. i don't really want to die. i just want to feel a little less dead inside.

dysplasia

running through a field, lost and alone can you hear me i’m lost it hurts I don’t know what to do. everything is beyond reach. everything is out of my control. And so I cry out to the One who can it hurts Dad it hurts and I don’t know what to do. I know You can save. I know You can heal. I know You can make things better. So what now Dad? what now? as the silence grows and envelops my entire being I reach out to see a glimmer something akin to hope is there really something out there? should I really get up and go?

#definitelymaybe

was reading through your posts in his “official” page and I realised how atrocious your English is.

not that my English is anywhere near fantastic but girl, you were in PR. really?

also, what the fudge are you trying to imply with “good old happy and peaceful dine with art days”?

girl, is you crazy?

you messed up.

own up to your shit please, and thank you.

you’re a literal c b.

you’re actually living up to your name’s sake.

this is hilarious.

break my heart for what breaks Yours

hang on to whatever that makes you feel brave

I love you but I’m also afraid of getting hurt again

i miss you so much. i cannot wait for this whole event to be over.

a gentle reminder to myself to always trust my sixth sense about a person.

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