I Am All The Bad Things, But I Am All The Good Too

Lamentations of a despairing mistress, but oftentimes just the musings of an insecure romantic.

[cheesyredvelvet]

Perhaps in another life.

Parati mong sinasabi noon na matigas ang ulo ko. I didnt realize kung gaano katigas until recently when i realized na hindi ko tinatanggap ang plans ni God for me.

Before you, my life sucked. I was living in a ditch and have accepted that it was the life that i was meant to live. I believed na i was created to take care of someone, and not meant to be cared for in return. Now i know why God placed you in my life at that perfect moment. You were not meant to stay forever, but only long enough to dig me out of the ditch i was in and to show me the kind of love i deserve. Because of you, i am in a much better situation. Kaya i will always be thankful to you. Di ka man nag stay, yung legacy mo in my life babaunin ko forever. You are God's gift to me. But i have accepted that not all of God's blessings are ours to keep forever. Otherwise, ang crowded ng life and we wont get to appreciate every blessing na dumadating. You were the perfect gift, and God knew that you were the one i needed the most in my life.

Ngayon, you are busy building your life. Nag aaral ka na in preparation for a career there. I now accept that you are meant to live your life there with your family, not here and never with me. I am sincerely happy for you. Kaya i wont be a nuisance to you anymore. Soar high uninhibited by any baggage of the past. For the past year, i feel that i have been holding on to you and i fear that i make you feel guilty pag clingy ako. I apologize kung nararamdaman mo pa din yung pag hila ko sayo. This time, i am accepting God's plan for me and finally letting go. No more strings. Promise. Freeing myself of the hope, but not of our past. I wont dream, but i will still remember and celebrate our milestones and special days.

This is my way of wishing you and * a Happy Anniversary, and my version of showing my appreciation sayo for all the good things you have done for me and for making sure that i am okay even after. May you now enjoy the feeling of freedom and peace of mind because of the certainty that i shall be ok, para maka move forward ka without guilt.

I just said it then but could not really accept it for a long time, pero now i sincerely accept and understand that you made the right choice when you chose your family and decided na dapat matuto na ako tumayo nang mag isa. Di ko sasayangin yung confidence mo sa akin. I shall try to fly and soar too. Wish me luck.😊

Goodluck Hon, my one great love, and my best friend. Always, Your Red Velvet

#24October2019 #HappyEndings #NewBeginnings

[cheesyredvelvet]

Apologies

When we were still together, i had tried to make you love me more, enough to choose me. If i had succeeded, i would have ruined your marriage and your family, and you would not be enjoying the life that you have now. I apologize. I am glad i had not done enough to cause damage to you. As for me, i hope to mend soon. The journey has been long and tiring, and i know that i still have a long way to go to get to where i can say i am ok. But i will get there. I just have to learn to accept that there is no chance or hope for us to be together again.

#29July2019

[cheesyredvelvet]

RIP 022813 - 041318

we are done. it just happened suddenly and until now i am surprised and shocked that there is no longer you and me.

after a full night of crying, my tears still cant stop falling. and while it is a new day, there is no promise of a new beggining. i can only see the long days of sorrow before me.

you gave me everything but took it all away in an instant. i cant believe that i am now left with nothing. i am now just an empty shell. breathing, but empty. but i will be ok.

i know i forget a lot of things, but hopefully i will continue to remember all the good times that we had. first thing that came to my mind was getting stuck in go inn, though i remember more.

but through this ordeal, i still wish you well and will continue praying for you, your success and your happiness. i love you and will probably love you for a long time still. but i know that it is stupid to hope and dream, so i will move on.

[cheesyredvelvet]

you know i forget things. so i am afraid that one day i'd forget you too. i get lonely thinking that i may not have any recollection of you, and the happiness you brought in my life.

10February2018

[cheesyredvelvet]

so hard to let go when all i want is to hold on. but there is such a thing as pride.

[cheesyredvelvet]

January 9, 2018. When hope is lost, what else remains? Is there a future without hope? If i cant see beyond the tears, if nothing can be felt except the pain, is it still worth opening my eyes to another morning? I have passed countless valleys, but nothing as deep as this. from where i stand, the slope seems unending.

[cheesyredvelvet]

A popular phrase. I said it many times but never really understood it, UNTIL NOW.

[cheesyredvelvet]

This isnt the first article that burst my bubble. Everytime i’d read something like this, i entertain the possibility of breaking up with you. The article would open my eyes to the reality that this is the best for everyone. I feel the courage to face the pain of losing you, and unlike before, i know that id get through it. But id remember that i love you. Then i ask myself if doing the right thing is worth giving up a chance to be with the person you love. Life is short and imperfect. My resolve to do the right thing wavers, and i stay and continue being your mistress. Hopefully, you’d one day understand the struggles i go through, and you’d learn to appreciate me and give me what i deserve. I dont expect to be your number one priority. The kids should always come first. But i wish you’d realize that you should treat me second to the kids, and not above your wife. I dont have a ring, and i do not have the honor to take your name, but by allowing me in your life, you gave me the right to expect this. I am unhappy because even after 4 years, i am still the hidden one - your dirty little secret, the forbidden toy that you play with when no one is looking. Well, i feel that the toy may be losing its hold over you. And for all i know, i may have just wasted 4 years of my life hoping. But despite these realizations, i still continue to hope. Naaawa na ako sa sarili ko. Pero nangangarap pa din ako kahit parang hindi mo naman tototohanin mga pangako mo sa akin. Pero hanggang kailan mo ako paghihintayin. Hahayaan mo lang ba ako na nahihirapan, naiinggit at nasasaktan? Hinihintay mo na lang ba na mawalan na ako ng pag asa para kusa na ako umalis? Ano ba ang gusto mo? Hindi ko na alam kung ano ako sayo. Pero ganito lang ako. Iyakin, sensitive. Pero pagkatapos ko iiyak yung sakit, kinakalimutan ko na. Because i realize in the end what you are in my life. I dont just love you. You are my inspiration. You are the source of a lot of my peaks. You make me feel alive and blessed (even on days when we are having a disagreement). I wake up every weekday morning feeling happy because i know that my day would have you in it. You bring out the worst in me, but i am also at my best because of you. My strong feelings of sadness and anger may be because i just love you so much, and i expect too much. http://www.femalenetwork.com/relationships/being-the-other-woman-not-empowering-a00002-20161128

[cheesyredvelvet]

For people like us, every day is a milestone. We are celebrating our 4th year today. Never thought we'd get this far, but we did. Dont know for how long this will be for, but i intend to enjoy, and be thankful for, every moment with you.

[cheesyredvelvet]

I cry with you. You know what you are, and you know what you cannot be. You observe, wait, and suffer in silence. You never ask or demand, because to do so would be considered out of line. You feel the pain because you are not oblivious to the truth. Everyday you battle the uncertainties of your predicament, and the realities of what you have become. Yet, you continue doing it, being it. Because to do, or be, otherwise, would hurt more. You will never be one who is worth emulating, nor are you someone who deserves the public’s respect. You know that, and you have accepted that. So cheers to you, for being who you are. Choosing to live a dual life plagued with hypocrisy wasnt easy, and i know that it has been difficult for you. Everyday is a struggle, and time has not made it easier. You are not living an ideal life, but i know that in your own way, you have made it a happy one.

Know, though, that the future is uncertain, and promises may be broken. The day you have been praying for may not come. But there is always today to be thankful for. A day of opportunity to make happy memories, or one that you can while away hoping, wishing and daydreaming.

[cheesyredvelvet]

Dear Seb, i understood when you wished everything undone, unwritten and then rewritten in your memories with Mia in it. I cried along with you - because I am going through it too. But i cannot undo what has been done or take back what has been said. And though i ask for forgiveness, i wish that he realizes that i just needed kindness and understanding then.

[cheesyredvelvet]

I get jealous and insecure, but even then, i know that you love me. I am confident that you love me.

[cheesyredvelvet]

I love you. I cannot shake off the feeling, though i know i should. You are married, with kids. Kids that you share with his wife, and that i wish were my own. The kids are not aware, but i know i am hurting them. And i feel guilty and responsible. They are not mine, but i love them because they are yours. And i dont know what to do. I love you. But i do not want to hurt them too.

[cheesyredvelvet]

I dont know what to do anymore. We fight all the time. Pati maliliit na bagay lumalaki dahil pinalalaki natin. Guilty ako dun, i admit that. Sana you will accept na guilty ka din dun. Is there a way for us to agree not to fight? Kahit ngayon lang? Sunod sunod e. I admit na nag aaway tayo not because may ginawa ka, but because gumagawa ako ng reason sa isip ko na may dapat tayo pag awayan. Sana acknowledge mo din na sometimes, wala naman ako ginawa masama pero nagagalit ka because of something na nasa isip mo din lang. We have no reason to fight. We love each other right? So kung wala naman tayo ginagawa that would be regarded as disrespectful to the other, or an act that would be inconsistent wih loving each other, baka pwede na natin i-let go. I will try my best to do that. Kung gusto mo i am willing to unfriend (hindi lang sa facebook pero kahit in real life) yung kaibigan ko na ayaw mo. Sabi ko naman sayo na, except for my child, lahat kaya ko i-give up for you. Ganun ka ka-important sa akin so sana that would mean something sayo. You want proof? Tell me what i need to do to prove that. Gagawin ko. Kasi important sa akin na ok tayo. If whatever you want me to do is important to you, and would make you feel comfortable about us, gagawin ko.

[cheesyredvelvet]

I write when i am sad, angry or in pain. I do not write as often now, and i am wondering why that is so. But i am writing now because i can't shake off the green-eyed monster, and because i am sensing that i am being played for a fool.

[cheesyredvelvet]

Mistresses never celebrate “on”. It is always before or after. But it’s ok. “On” is just one day. I get the rest of the days in a year.

[cheesyredvelvet]

A self-inflicted wound is the most painful, and though the scar fades, the sting will always be felt.

I checked your facebook page and saw that you posted your photo with HER in your FEATURED photos. I am so hurt that you are claiming, for everyone to see, that you are happily with her. Can’t you just keep quiet about your relationship with her? Your post hurt me so much because it just confirms that she is a part of your life, and that i am not, and will never be, a part of yours. And what heightened the hurt even more was the fact that it was you posting the photo. You remember how hurt i was when i’d see photos of you together which she’d post on her page? You’d tell me not to get hurt because she is the one posting it and cant prevent her from doing so. In my mind, i got over the hurt by reminding myself that she is the one making a statement for the public to see, and not you. This time, though, you are the one making a statement, and proclaiming to everyone that she is your beloved wife, your family. So this is sort of a double whammy which left me hopeless and heartbroken.