1. I’ll never forget the night you confessed that you fell in love with me the moment you saw me and how I was the only angel you ever cared about meeting. I laughed because I didn’t believe in angels, or love. 2. You knew every single there about me. How I liked my coffee at each time of the day, how I drank tea before bed, my favorite flower, favorite color, hell you knew how I slept. You would joke around and say you knew me better than you knew yourself. 3. I let you see the parts of me that I was scared of. You didn’t care and you called me beautiful anyway. 4. The first night we kissed you told me you could taste the alcohol on my lips. You hated alcohol so I brushed my teeth 100 times but I didn’t care. It was the kind of kiss people wrote stories about. 5. When you touched me you would set my skin on fire, it gave me the kind of feeling that lasted longer than you did. 6. You made me feel and I wasn’t used to feeling. You made me less numb, you made me the closest to happy I have ever been. 7. You were like breathing again; you gave me life. I can never repay you. 8. I used to say I’d never make it till I was 18, you’d be so proud of me, I’m still here. 9. You met someone knew and she was beautiful. 10. I hated her. 11. She made you happy. 12. I could feel you slipping away. 13. She never kept you up all night worrying that she might not wake up in the morning. 14. I hated her for being everyone I could never be. 15. I wish there was you and I. I wish we were a “we” and that we happened. I wish that we were happening. But we never really got the chance to. 16. You came over at 1am and told me you broke up with her and when I asked you why you just said, “she wasn’t you.” That was the first time I didn’t just fuck someone. 16. I miss you. 16 I need you. 16. I was too damaged for you. 16. I don’t know what number I am supposed to be on. 16. I am starting to forget the sound of your voice. 16. I never for the chance to tell you that I loved you, but I love you. 17. I don’t remember the entire month after your accident, I kept trying to find you at the end of the next bottle. 18. That’s how many months it’s been since he hit you, they said he had been drinking. You hated alcohol. 19. They said it was instant and that you didn’t feel a thing but even instant rice takes 5 minutes. 20. I saw your mom in the supermarket buying your favorite cereal. 21. I went over to the house to see her. She hasn’t changed your room one bit. 22. We both cried and she managed to say, “he loved you more than anything.” 23. I wish we did too. 24. You made me believe that there was something good in me, that I was worthy. 25. You made me believe in love and in angels, you were my angel. 26. When I’m with him, sometimes I pretend he’s you but he can never quite measure up.
confessions from my alcoholic mother (via n4ughty-y)
