„ i don't care if it hurts, i wanna have control "
hii i'm em(ily) and i'm 19. i use she/they pronouns. i started this blog mainly because i want a little digital diary my irls won't see because i'm an ana/mia relapser. that won't be all this blog is for tho, don't worry ^^ i find myself to be pretty kind and chipper, so i'm always looking for friends 😽
most of my major interests are the very surface level nerdy ones (star wars, horror movies, identity v, animanga, fashion, whatever tv show or movies i'm obsessed with) but i'm also a college student c:
i'm putting a cut because the following will contain ed related content/references but also some dni type stuff 🩷
with that out of the way, i guess i'm using this blog space to remind me of my ed journey/'why'. in my first semester of college, i was finally free of my family and recovered a lot from my high school restriction days. i gained 12kg after finally letting myself eat again, and the comments people made resulted in me feeling depressed and like i lost all control of my life. my friend made a comment about how i was heavier than my roommate and later said i was "short and stubby... like a tree stump". he knew how happy i had gotten in recovery but that was my breaking point.
i dropped from eating 1600kcal to 1000kcal but my scale didn't budge. as summer started, i've began restricting again and began purging (mia had never really been something i did before). i have a guy who i'm beginning to really fancy though, and he hates that i don't eat, so i guess i have to be more careful this time around.
there is hope though, as my cw is 68kg and my gw is 58kg. i've already dropped roughly 1kg in the past week or so. i really miss looking sick and having absolute control over my food and weight, and i'm determined to lose the other 10kg before next semester (+ keep it off this time) 😸
I'm sorry but that picture of Snejana Onopka with the added text "are you sure about that" is so corny omg😭 I almost always find it under plus size people's tiktoks where they're eating something. Like I know we're all ill but fat phobia is never chic, you just come off as an asshole hating on strangers who are just existing.
genuinely hate my body type because no matter how skinny i get, my legs and butt are always huge. steak too juicy ik ik but i just want a thigh gap 😭😭 at least my restriction can take all happiness away except twerking in the mirror
ughghhhh i hate holiday dinners because my bf is recovered so he recognizes not eating and the cassie strategy 😭😭😭 and he would notice if i took too long in the bathroom throwing up
