cherrryyycola

This one is for you, Poppins.

[cherrryyycola]

Someone asked if I still love my ex.

Yeah I love her. She's amazing. She's got a brilliant mind.

I was young & stupid. I was a selfish college kid who didn't know what I wanted. There was so much going on with me then that I ended up neglecting & hurting her.

When we ended I was super devastated for so long. It took me years to wrap my head around everything that's happened between us.

What clicked for me was when I saw - and BELIEVED - she was finally happy again. I mean I'd like think we were great for each other but we had our flaws (mostly me). Obviously nobody's perfect & I know that, and she knows that... but I think she's found someone that's actually quite perfect for her.

I couldn't love her right & if she's found someone who loves her exactly the way she wants to be loved, who won't hurt her? Then both our prayers have been answered.

So yeah I love her. She's my person. But maybe I'm not hers and that's okay.

That's a bit cheesy isn't it?

[cherrryyycola]

I wish I could just have an honest conversation about life with you.

[cherrryyycola]

I'm having a rough night, this month is my birth month. In 2019 I cried myself to sleep on my birthday & prayed to God asking him to just let me be happy on my birthday. My birthday the following year, despite it being the shit year that it was for everyone, was the year you & I talked again. You greeted me & even gave me a gift with a letter. I keep it beside my bed until now.

I guess this year I'm not hearing from you. Maybe I never will again & that kills me.

[cherrryyycola]

As a non-religious person, or non-religious family background... have you ever prayed so hard for God to heal your heart?

[cherrryyycola]

No words for how empty I feel without you.

But I'm trying my best to be okay.

February 6, 2021

5:14am

[cherrryyycola]

I have this urge to deactivate all social media and live in another country.

[cherrryyycola]

Ikakasal ka na ba?

[cherrryyycola]

Hindi ako concerned. x10

It's none of my business. x10

We're not friends anymore. x100

[cherrryyycola]

I keep asking myself what

the worst part is.

Today,

it's not knowing you anymore.

January 15, 2021; 5:24am

[cherrryyycola]

I'll always be grateful for meeting you.

Dahil sayo natuto akong magexpress ng nararamdaman kong love

in a healthy way,

kahit na wala na tayong chance nung narealize ko kung pano.

January 15, 2021

4:37am

[cherrryyycola]

You getting the closure you needed and me getting caught up again was the least I could do after the hurt I caused you. I hope you aren't thinking about how you "messed me up again" because you didn't. Far from it actually. Failing and disappointing you meant na ikaw yung nagturo sakin what it's like to really love someone and realizing that I should treat them the way they need to be treated; consistently, intentionally, and from the start para without finish. Next time I will love with respect, with actions and not just words, with faithfulness, kindness, forgiveness and putting their happiness before my own. Kaya okay lang sakin na masaktan with getting mixed signals, kaya rin I showed apprehension. I wanted you to be sure and to really mean what you say kasi baka hindi ka pa okay talaga. Kaya ko sinabing "ano bang ginagawa mo, hindi naman ako pinanganak kahapon". If you were to be truly happy in choosing me I had to make sure na pinipili mo ako for the right reasons. It was tempting to take advantage para lang balikan mo na ako agad agad but I knew you needed to clear your head muna para maging happy ka talaga sa magiging choice mo, even if I knew na baka I had to let you go all over again. You taught me to be selfless and how to love unconditionally.

It's a shame I realized it years too late. I really wanted you to mean what you were saying, I was just waiting for you to realize kung ano ba talaga. All I wanted to do was run back to you kumbaga. But you taught me to love patiently. I really wanted it to be you. I'm not sure I can ever stop wanting it to be you. But even if I'm not the one for you, maybe that's why I met you. Hindi dahil I needed someone to be there while I was fixing myself. Kasi kahit naman ngayon I'm still discovering and building myself. Sino ba namang college student ang kilala na sarili nila. Pero ayun nga siguro nakilala kita because I needed to learn first how to express my love in a healthy way. Hindi yung nagseself sabotage ako by treating my partner badly or neglecting them. You taught me that.

So if anything, ako yung nagmess up sayo. And now you seem to be on a steady pace to moving on. If thinking of yourself is what it took to get you that closure, I'm glad you did what you had to do to be truly happy with your decision. I hope I'm doing the right thing too by letting you go. At least I know now na I did everything I can with whatever chance I got. You aren't feeling pain anymore. That's something good. Panalo na rin ako knowing that you're finally okay, na finally mapaninindigan mo na yung choice mo sa taong pinili mo. That you'll be fine, happy and content. Steady.

As for me, I'll just go back to moving on too. It may be a little harder this time but that's okay. I got to talk to you for a while again didn't I? I still have a lot to do. Define myself, learn to love myself fully, and embrace my worth. You got me to start but now I have to do it on my own. I realize that now. It's more than enough. It has to be.

Jan. 10, 2021

3:18 am

[cherrryyycola]

Remembering you hurts and missing you is the weirdest because I don't know if I even know who you are anymore.

I went from trying not to think of you, to deactivating all social media, to just accepting that you will always cross my mind. Sometimes it hurts and other times the memories make me smile. Still other times when I think about how you might react to certain things I come across, I end up hopeful that I'll see and talk to you again.

I just wanted to get to know you again. And I wanted you to know me. But that's just not appropriate when you're with someone because to me it will never feel like you're just a friend.

My calendar is still marked with your mom's birthday. I wonder what you guys might be doing to celebrate. I remember bringing you to my mom's birthday. We laughed at how we weren't together and yet you were there. God knows I wanted you to be my girlfriend. I always have. I think about whether you are celebrating with him with your family. I honestly hope he doesn't mess it up with you. I hope you don't either. Or even if either of you do mess up sometimes, I hope you guys work it out anyway.

I wish one day we could hang out just the two of us and you'd tell me all about your lovelife without filters and without having to avoid talking too much to me. And I wish it wouldn't hurt anymore when you do. Right now despite how happy I am for you, I find it painful to just see photos of you together. It makes me think about all those things you said to me about him and I start hoping you are genuinely happy. It makes me actively try to stop myself from justifying forgetting you because you're with him. Because you said even if you don't end up together doesn't mean we will.

I have to actively tell myself I'm not the one for you even if you were the one for me.

[cherrryyycola]

Ang sakit/bigat lang sa dibdib i-let go yung taong gusto mo lang maging masaya. Yung masakit maging kaibigan niya pero masakit ring hindi mo alam nangyayari sa buhay niya.

[cherrryyycola]

Was it all just in my head?

[cherrryyycola]

You knew something nobody else did.

It wasn't just my secrets

or my trauma,

or my faults.

You knew how to get to me

with just your playlists and your songs.

So it broke my heart to see you

rename ours,

and use the same songs for someone new.

I choked when you had new songs for her,

then for him,

and all of ours kind of just faded into your old playlists

or blended with others that reflected your mood.

[cherrryyycola]

Iba yung tama nitong kanta na 'to ah?

[cherrryyycola]

I just want you to know who I am.

- Iris, The Goo Goo Dolls