A horrid day turned into something I’m still laughing about even though it’s now past midnight. It might be because it is that cheeky or I might be at that far end of exhaustion we call delirium. I’ll just leave it at that.
I started today off earlier than normal. Early for me is anytime before noon so at 10am I’m very much into the “Why do people do this?” phase of morning. I seriously don’t know how day walkers do it. I understand when it’s a “have to” situation I do know about 9 to 5’s, but I know others who just wake up early just because. Anyways as baffling as this is it was the least insane part of the day. I was on the way to the airport to fly home from Baltimore. When my cab pulled up to take me he threw my bags in and proceed to tell me the price would be $40 for the ride. I looked at his window that said “flat rate to airport $30” I kindly just pointed and asked “what’s this then?” He mumbled something then said “ok it’s $30” I throw this in to warn everyone to find prices out and don’t be afraid to call out cabbies. I ended up paying him $35 with tip just to show him he doesn’t have to lie to get money. Although I’m sure it’s worked many times.
Getting through TSA is always weird. Once every 3 or so flights I’ll get a full on pat down and my hands swabbed. If they are looking for a weapon they needn’t go any farther than my stiletto finger nails which they always ignore. However the problem is there is always some male TSA agent who wants to comment on my leggings, photo ID, or some part of me. I just smile and nod at them but would rather not feel like they are always checking out my ass as I walk away. Manners gentlemen manners.
Boarding my plane was the hardest part, it was delayed for 25 minutes then 40 then 90. I was pissed because it meant I was missing my dance class back in NOLA. The worst part is when they announced why we were delayed. “Mechanical problems” is what I never want to hear but what followed made me feel…safe? A women came over the speaker and announced “we are trying to fix the mechanical problem on flight 371 to New Orleans. We will try to get the plane running soon. Thank you.” Try? There is no try. Try on an airplane sounds like slapping some duck tape and gum on it. Needless to say I was frazzled and dreading the 3 hour flight now. I tried to occupy myself but as the minutes went on I got more grumpy.
FINALLY! on the plane and I get a seat at a window, my ideal spot. Not a full flight means room to stretch out. A woman sits in the aisle seat leaving space for the both of us. She was a middle aged brunette with a denim jacket on. (she got bonus points for that) Turning to me, she smiled and we had the following dialogue:
Woman: “Are you going on vacation?”
Her face became that of a deer in the headlights her eyes bulged at me. I just stared back fairly annoyed. All I could think is, this isn’t DisneyLand people do LIVE in New Orleans. I turned away and decided this conversation was over since nothing good would come out of my mouth.
I was about to put my headphones in when I heard one of the people in front of me exclaim to the other “They have rice conventions?!” And a mans voice replied “yes, but bigger ones for soybeans. So you were saying you are an actress” the woman’s voice replied again “yes I’m a true actress, I don’t DO nude shots.” I rolled my eyes so hard it hurt. Since when did not doing nudes or doing nude shots differentiate the classes of acting? A “True Actress”? At this point my head hurt and we were finally taking off. The safety announcements were about to begin and here’s the twist of fate.
The 20 something sounding flight attendant began as usual, but it was clear early on that things had changed. He said the following:
"Welcome aboard flight 371 to New Orleans, please look at the flight attendant in front of you and read the info on your safety sheet found in the back pouch of the seat in front of you. If you’ve been on a plane after 1957 you will know that to buckle your seatbelt you do this, and to unbuckle you do this. If you don’t like the jokes there are six exits located on this plane, two in front, above the wings, and two in the back. Just follow the disco light tracks and boogie on down to the closest exit. If our flight turns into a cruise there is a life vest under your seat as well as your seat is a flotation device. Inflate the vest and paddle paddle paddle to shore. We will be right behind you with the beer and liquor. We don’t intend for cabin pressure to change or we wouldn’t of come to work today, but if it does please stop screaming, remove your claws from the person next to you and place the oxygen mask over your mouth. Pull down on the plastic tubing and breathe normally. If you breath abnormally, then breathe abnormally normally. If you are traveling with a child or people acting like one please put your mask on before assisting, or just pick your favorite child. The one who will support you the most in your old age. Smoking is not allowed on this flight. However there is a smoking section on the wing of the plane, if you can light it you can smoke it. There are smoke detectors in the bathrooms for your safety please do not try to disarm them. There is a $2000 fine and if you wanted to spend $2000 on a trip to New Orleans you would be flying Delta. Plus the baggage fees, that’s right shameless plug for Southwest, your bags fly free. Make sure that also before you leave that you take all your problems, er I mean personal belongings with you. If you leave something you can wait three days and buy it back on ebay. That’s it for the dos an donts thanks for listening and if you didn’t listen, good luck. Now sit back and enjoy your 23 hour flight to Turkey."
I sat there laughing, shaking my head stunned by what I just heard. He was flawless in his execution. Never stopping and saying it as if that’s what they print in the pamphlet. I felt at ease again, all the frazzled bullshit of the day was laughable now. And this was what changed it. A simple reworking of something every frequent flyer sits through over and over. I never got the mans name but the joy stayed with me the whole flight. It was so lodged in my brain I remember the whole speech off the top of my head. Laughter is a powerful thing that can move mountains as well as storm clouds. Remember that kiddies.
