ugh i fucking hate the concept of nonduality so much, it makes my brain short circuit, it literally feels like my head is going to explode or something...so ive always been here and always will be here? well thats fucking depressing. maybe its just my ego talking but death was so reassuring and freeing - one day i would cease to be conscious. but i guess thats not the case anymore upon further realization. it makes my head hurt in the same way that trying to comprehend infinity does. ever since i was 15 i had the suspicion that im god (not in an bigheaded way, more of a metaphysical way for lack of a better word) limiting my infinite/omnipotent capabilities for entertainment - and everyone else is too. its the next step once you go full solipsism. since we’re all part of the same infinite awareness there’s only one “i.” that makes me feel excruciatingly lonely. maybe this whole god playing hide and seek with itself eternally is to distract itself from its oneness, its loneliness. the original tragedy
everyone into new age and ontology seems to feel so relieved and freed at the idea of nonduality but to me, its the worst thing i ever couldve realized. hide and seek is over when god becomes aware of itself and ive done just that. the game isnt fun anymore
maybe i’ll “get it” eventually. but for now its just extremely uncomfortable to think about. its claustrophobic because i can never escape being. existence has always existed, and always will exist
im sorry i just have no one to talk to about this, everyone in my family thinks im tinfoil and annoying
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