The Not So Secret Diary of a CHI Baby Mumma

[chibabymumma]

How do you speak your fear when you have always been so inner? It's harder than I thought.

4: I'm scared of living and I'm scared of dying. I'm trapped in this strange paradox. I'm not scared of death per say more of what will happen to little lion? But every day his autism shows more and more and that stings so hard. Your worn out torn up and all the threads that you have held on to are starting to fray and your tired so so tired. You get beaten my wee lion who doesn't understand pain, or empathy and I am scared that when he's bigger and older he will do some serious damage to me. I am scared that I may accidentally hurt him trying to stop him from beating me or biting me with such venom that it makes you bleed and howl in pain and he just is completely oblivious.. we have made some progress lately using Qigong massage therapy for autistic children.. I'm scared to be hopeful, I'm scared.

[chibabymumma]

Random song lyrics..

2: Rudy a message to you..stop your messing around... Ahhhh ahhhhh ahhhhhhhh

The specials

[chibabymumma]

Random song lyrics that flood through my mind at stupid times.

1: when will I will I be famous..I can't answer I can't answer that...

Fucking Bros!!!

[chibabymumma]

I am being told I have to voice my fears.. they seem to be trapped inside me.... In my throat.. here goes

1: I'm scared every single day that if I let go of everything, the tightness I'm holding on to, I will just cease to exist.

2: I'm scared of my mum, I haven't spoken to her in years, yet I'm still desperately wanting her to love me which she can't do, she can't give me that, she never wanted me. I think most days I'm at peace with that, then other days where my child like self is screaming inside me for love and support. I think how nice it would be to have a parent that genuinely cares and not used you in some evil game that gives her pleasure. I'm scared I want my mum.

3: I'm scared of anything happening to little lion, even him crying sends my somatic response into overdrive and I automatically want to run, hide, scream, cry but I don't I stay right there panicking inside me on high alert waiting for the signs. I keep telling myself to be brave, but I'm not brave I'm scared every single minute of every single day.

[chibabymumma]

Day 19 of COVID and my whole body is still on fire and inflamed, it is as if my body is so angry it was invaded by this hostile force.

[chibabymumma]

COVID hits harder the second time....

[chibabymumma]

"your puppy from the monster to?" This kind lady asked me on Facebook "yes" vitriol and rage flooded out of her so much so I could feel it emanating from the page. Pure, painful,raw "mine keeps vomiting worms" she wrote "he's so sick" Renate's brother he just survived like Renate. We joined others who had been sold sick puppers from the monster, all ill some dangerously, all under weight, all frightened and not understanding food is unlimited, not like Renate who kept burying her head into her bowl of food. It was like she couldn't believe it, I reassured her, "you always be fed" she pushed her head into my hands, this sick tiny puppy and sighed. Light starts to shine in her eyes, puppy playfulness is starting to emerge, dancing about on huge paws with a tiny sick body, joyfully putting her head in the food bowl, trying to eat my feet, what joy, what joy.

He's demanding her back the monster, never going to happen.

[chibabymumma]

"At least you had one good day with her" the vet said to me, I was looking at Renate in floods of tears wondering how on earth this happened. How this tiny scrap of 7.4 kilos, which she should of been over 20 kilos for a 15 week old Saint Bernard, was desperately ill and flat, she barely moved, my heart was shattered, all this rage boiled up inside me, I wanted to howl in pain with her, all this from a bad puppy breeder, all this from a monstrous man,who hid everything so well, who looked responsible, his wife a vet, kc registered, and all the time hiding his monstrous facade, this man who's sole motivation is money.

15 hours in the vet ICU she survived....

The monster Breeder told me "she wasn't sick here you did this" and now I'm taking him to court, it's not about the money, I'm Scotland once they go to court you can legally shut them down, you can legally bF mouth them, you can legally go to the papers.. I'm doing everything for Renate and her sick puppers siblings. Just watch me

[chibabymumma]

It's been a while..

I saw this sad girl online, I rushed to save her, when we met she was so skinny, so small, her eyes pleading with me but dull and lifeless at the same time, on this windswept hill. I knew I had to take her home, I held this tiny thing in my arms, telling her over and over "your alright" 2 days later emergency medical treatments to save her life. My beautiful Renate, my tiny abused Saint Bernard Puppy, who looks deep into my eyes and cries softly, I got you, I will bring down vengeance on the puppy mill breeder that did this. Finally after 2 weeks of treatment you are gaining weight and being a puppy, a wilful, stubborn, floppy, delight.

Renate, what a start you have had, together we will heal each other 💕

[chibabymumma]

So I just got out of the hospital with womb issues severe womb issues, the hospital this time was a nightmare, and here I am in severe pain taking care of little lion... where is my husband I hear you ask? Well he fucked off to work and left me to look after our medically complicated special needs autistic toddler on my own... I don't know where to go from here I can barely walk

[chibabymumma]

So who looks after the care giver when the care giver is broken?

[chibabymumma]

It's incredibly isolating having a special needs child. Most children are there playing, laughing, interacting with those around them, and little lion, well he just runs head first straight into a fast spinning roundabout.......

[chibabymumma]

I am so very triggered right now, memories, painful ones are seeping through my defenses. Every minute I'm reminded of how badly I was treated. How terrible the pain from others can feel. These words and actions have turned into such deep wounds that no bandage or plaster can cover them. You try to stitch your wounds back together hoping in time that they fade to scars that you can only just bare to look at. But they don't, they rip open, over and over again, until that is all that is left of you, a huge gaping open wound stumbling around the world in the darkness others have created, praying feverishly you find something, anything to help you heal. These days are the hardest... I just want to lay in bed with no sound, no words, no light, and be in the true darkness, the soothing darkness of night not the painful one others have inflicted on me.

[chibabymumma]

Anger is like lava flooding my veins. I can feel it, it's making me hot and edgy. Even my breathing feels ragged..I'm just waiting for the next earth shift and then I will erupt.

[chibabymumma]

The hardest thing about being me is telling myself to be brave constantly.. I don't feel brave I feel terrified all the time. Those words be brave don't change anything, they don't help me be brave, they don't magically make it all better, I honestly don't know why I keep saying it to myself.. I just push through even though my whole body is shaking.

[chibabymumma]

I met a shaman here in my little remote life and place at a community food pantry, I was taking in some food for little lions/Nesses I always worry for some reason why food banks in the UK won't give out or take excess baby/toddler food. So I buy extra or if little lion doesn't like it I give unopened food to the pantry for other parents.. anyway ..

There she was, this power house of a lady much older than me and American (again I'm in a remote part of Scotland!) she chatted with me for a while as this was my first time at the food pantry. She asked my name, my name is confusing, I'm named after an arc Angel the feminine version and no it's not Michael it's more unusual than that. She looked at me for the longest time as my name is Hebrew, common in Italy but pronounced German! "Yeah thanks Omie!"

"you know what..you really stepped into that name.. you really own it"

I was a bit bewildered as I never liked my name much as I got older it sort of drifted away being called mum or huni or what have you, barely any one speaks it. So when someone sees your name and speaks it often it's actually quite a shock! I kind of felt jolted, subtly reminded I am more than mum etc. I really think I needed that

[chibabymumma]

Lionellness when you are a special needs child is like screaming as loud as you can under water and no one hears you or sees you.. your just there screaming and bleeding out all the pain and sadness.