Most of my self-portraits lately are these deeply pleasing scribbled things with little notes with thoughts lingering on my mind, or just a basic "check-in", like pictured. And I find that my art style has been simplifying as I have finally eased into drawing (almost) daily again. It has been a long, long time since I have enjoyed art in the way that I have been in recent time.
I have been in deep contemplation, but that much is fairly obvious. Restructuring your entire life after 4 years of non-stop, back-to-back events to grieve is - as I have finally managed to convince myself - incredibly normal, and I have been needing to create a new foundation to stand myself on to reclaim the semblance of self-worth that I presently have.
I am full of gratitude because life tastes so good and sweet, but the weight of one's past can be such a heavy burden to shoulder. The events of your past color the lens through which you filter your perception of your present and your imagined future. All that to say: I never was allowed to have a soft heart growing up, and now my heart is revealed to be so tender I'm certain it would ooze out from my ribcage, should one cut me open. To have that tenderness repeatedly taken advantage of, manipulated, beaten, twisted out-of-context to suit a narrative - there is a kind of soul-weariness that can't be erased from these experiences. I suppose, for me, this might be why I am an artist (I am finally relaxing into this identity), so that these intense emotions can be alchemized.
Anyway - long story short: I suppose my job has been exploring this tenderness and the dark space it lives, coaxing it out to play with me. The art I am presently making is so very personal to me and I am excited to say I will be sharing soon. There is some excitement and definitely some nervousness, but I think they're so super lovely and I am so looking forward to sharing more. Thanks for reading! 💜
"I never left you. I'm still here." Nov 10, 2023. Watercolor.
Just posting the art without the horrendous backstory 💜✨️
One of my favorite things about this piece is how soft the color palette is and how it all fits so lovingly together. Not to mention how all these little ghosts I've been drawing have been lowkey an obsession for me. I'm excited to share more of them with the world. 🥺
It's not hard to find out that I disappeared shortly after a severe betrayal of trust, followed by two incredibly hard-hitting deaths. My long-time boyfriend of 15 or so years (we didn't really count, and he didn't really care, if I can finally be honest with myself) had cheated on me and Carrot, my 15 year old dog, passed suddenly.. and then, almost exactly a year after Carrot passed away, Skittles also passed suddenly.
I'm not going to lie to you: this is not going to be an easy read and this is, if you can believe it, harder for me to share. But I'm showing you my timeline of creation and rebirth here - the cautiously sprouting buds of new life years after a devastating wildfire. There is art here below this cut, but just be aware moving forward that this is emotionally heavy.
The whole idea of me returning to my online spaces, sharing my art, is to share my human experience and I'm not gonna sugarcoat anything anymore: it is so very painful. The weight of this pain is almost unbearable, every single day, but it is important for me to share because I've finally come to the realization that the concept of grief is a central theme within almost all of my art and my writing.
When I left everything behind, it was so difficult to even pick up a pencil, even if I wanted to.. but I still tried to squeeze a few studies in. I have some wonderful sketches from this time, which helped prove to myself that I was still technically capable.
Despite this, I was still suffering from art block like I never had before just from how numb my brain was from processing the leftovers of my previous relationship. Follow that up with a dead childhood dog in a little less than 3 months post-breakup and you got a recipe for doing absolutely fuck all.
But fast forward to about a year of peace to cushion the raw, gaping wound left behind by disaster, and it got a little easier to find space to be creative again.
I was starting to have fun again. I was enjoying the act of creation again, though infrequently. It was almost like getting in touch with an old childhood friend.
And one day - September 20th, 2023 to be precise - I came home from my new job and Skittles suddenly was having trouble breathing and her chest was heaving. I took her to the emergency vet for treatment. We stayed there until 4am the following day.
Within 48 hours of that, I had to make a horrible decision to put her to sleep because her chest cavity wouldn't stop filling with fluids. I kept hearing "cancer" from vets, even though every test we ran was inconclusive to the source. I was horrified. I blamed myself for everything. Life stopped for me again as I lost someone who loved me more than I think anyone in this world ever could, would, or will, ever again.
There was a desperate attempt during what I recognized were Skittles' last moments on Earth where I tried to get her pawprints with my watercolors and put them on paper. I wanted more than anything to immortalize her, to prove that she existed in my life. I was truly frantic, clawing and grasping on to any single piece of her to just please, please stay with me. This is probably the worst page of my sketchbook. All I see on it is proof of my absolute failure as a caretaker, a friend, and an artist.
But still. This is art. Macabre and horribly sad as it is. This is the truest depiction of grief that I will ever have on a single piece of paper. I will be devastated by being utterly helpless in watching my best friend die for the rest of my life, no matter how many vets and friends alike have tried to reassure me.
Within days, I found myself sketching this. I repeatedly drew a figure laying limp like this on several pages, trying to visualize this suffocating feeling. While my life since leaving my ex knew more peace than I ever had previously, I was in so much pain over these repeated losses. It was such a horrible place to be in, experiencing these complete opposites.
I was physically peaceful, but on the inside, I was anything but. This translated on paper to this idea that I wanted to have this girl, laying almost dead, amongst beautiful wildflowers. I wanted nature to swallow her whole, and the story in my mind was that she wanted nothing more than for that very thing to happen to her.
I never finished this (though I'd like to), but it did help begin some forward momentum.
I started obsessing with these little ghosts/entities wandering through beautiful spaces - flowers, leaves, treescapes, and the like. They could be organic spaces, untouched by man, or once inhabited spaces being reclaimed by nature. Everything I was sketching felt... lonely. And very, very sad, despite the whimsical appearances.
These black, blob-like ghosts with no expressive features beyond these hollow white eyes, wandering aimlessly across a beautiful world began to dominate my imagination.
Previous to my breakup, I was drawing a lot of white ghosts that evoked many sad narratives for me. It was interesting to note this shift and how these ideas married each other. I will elaborate on this another time, so let's put a pin in this and just recognize there is a pattern emerging.
With these black blob guys everywhere, I just couldn't stop seeing Skittles trying to tell me something. Or maybe it was my grief-addled mind seeking something, anything to give me meaning to this awful door I was forced through, this new chapter I wasn't even remotely ready for.
Then, one faithful day in November, I busted out my watercolors for the first time in a very, very long time.
I had no idea what I wanted to paint, but I needed to. For lack of a better word, I felt compelled. I was driven by a single image floating in my mind: a ghost cat.
I completely messed this first draft up. I didn't let my first layer dry fully before trying to add more and I got so, so frustrated. I wanted to give up right here, shred it to pieces, and say "That's it. I tried. Never again!"
But, for better or worse, I am an artist and I had to continue. I had no choice but to finish this piece, no matter how long it took. Skittles was speaking to me through it and I needed to honor her voice.
I flipped to the next page and put my brush to the task once more.
It's so very simple, but the act of creating this painting was oddly... peaceful. I cried so much through it. And it took me a few days to muster the courage, but I finally did add the finishing touch to this piece.
The sticker from the emergency vet they had put on her carrier that terrible, awful night on September 20, 2023.
I said goodbye on the morning of September 23rd, but I never truly got to air that pain and that all-consuming grief until November 10th.
Since finishing this painting, it feels like I've slowly been waking up from my life's longest waking nightmare. I'm alchemizing this pain into something beautiful because I need to somehow create some sort of meaning to make all of this worthwhile.
And this is the hardest thing I've ever had to share. Despite its simplicity and how "cute" it is at a first glance, this is the most raw piece of art I've made in a long time. That's it for this week, but hopefully next week, it'll be a little less "total emotional devastation" here. :) We shall see. No promises, just art.
I don't even remember the last time I wrote a blog post. I mean, sheesh - look at this place. Have you scrolled through it? I have. I've scrolled through it an awful lot the past few months. This space and other places I occupy (or used to, at least) on social media. As a result of having withdrawn completely from everyone online and offline, I've become increasingly critical of the person I chose to show online.. which began to extend to becoming critical of the person I was in real life.
"Is this person that I imagine myself to be or the person I imagine others want to see me be?"
Whoops - digging a little too deep now, so lemme hit the brakes and back it up a little. We will get there eventually (it's a theme I explore in my art and writing a lot, though you wouldn't know it), but how I perceive myself in public spaces isn't the point of this. What I wanted to say was that I've scrolled through this particular little piece of real estate I have here on tumblr and I realized that I never truly made this place my home. I never stopped long enough to slow down and make a nice welcoming space here - I would just drop my art or latest commission pricing and run.
How whack.
This is where I stretch my legs out and loosen up my grip on my carefully curated image, right? We get to talk shop here. I get to explain my art processes and my struggles and my successes and you can sit here and read
every.
single.
word.
and you'll be delighted.
Because why wouldn't you be, if you're here? Unless you're somebody new stumbling on this space, but let's be honest.. the only people here with me on my slice of tumblr are the bots, some rats, and possibly a friend or two if they're still around (hi! <3) - so basically everyone who is probably pretty well acquainted with me. You're likely quite delighted by little ol' me, if I know you as well as I think I do.
This is embarrassing...
Anyway... At this rate, I'm just rambling and getting my thoughts out on "paper". I keep a journal, but it's so much more "I do this for my mental health and I'll crumble if I don't do it" and while that's very important, I also need to nurture my deeply and horribly wounded creative spirit. I'm actually hoping using this tumblr and talking about my art will help give me a little accountability to my goals and make me feel more comfortable about sharing my art again at all.
The past couple of years have been difficult. I struggle to feel in touch with my art - the heart and message behind my creations and the voices that inspire my stories have all been strangled, held beneath muddy waters.
Seriously!
It's been a strangely desperate journey of rediscovering my voice and reclaiming even a sliver of my self-esteem - a journey that could certainly be told in a lovingly-crafted abstract animated film of some sort, if I were dedicated enough to do such a thing.. but even if I just type it out, one blog post at a time, maybe it's worth the embarrassment of vulnerability to share what's been rattling in this skull for so long.
That's it for tonight, but I hope I'll have a chance to catch you next week (or in a couple of weeks? Work has been utterly exhausting) when I share what I've been up to and vaguely what I'm planning. The loose plan right now is that, with any luck, a friend and I will be sharing a table at a local art fair in a few months. If that does happen, I wanna be ready with some pieces of work that I'm proud of, y'know? So, keep your eyes peeled. I'm looking forward to telling you all about it, okay? :)
♡Tee
P.S. I'm tagging these as "hey chickatee" because idk I think it's cute. Like you're saying "hello" to me by looking up the tag to catch the latest long-winded post by Yours Truly.
@scatteredstoryteller 's commission for her OC that we very lovingly named "Birb Boi". He is a birdfolk (a race in the world I've written alongside my fiance) and he is a huge sweetheart with a sad story.
I hope one day we can experience his story and see that it has a happy ending. ^^ 💖
A commission set I completed for my dear friend, @scatteredstoryteller. Idk what the exact inspiration for her coming up with this, but I remember her having the idea with another friend of hers and then she asked me to draw it, LOL. She asked for a logo and then an illustration of the design (which I decided to digitally paint).
Took some time, but I'm very happy with the results. Enjoy a journalist namazu!
Part of the sketch commissions I did for a Twitch charity art stream for Reclaim the Block!
This sketch was a request fulfilled for @scatteredstoryteller for her and our friends in exchange for her generous donation. <3
An amazingly hilarious commission from a Twitter user. I got to draw the goose from Untitled Goose Game running with toast in its beak while wearing a schoolgirl uniform.
It's hard not to love commissions when you occasionally get gold like this.
Been working on commissions and a lot of stuff going on in my life, so haven’t had much to post. I need to set up my queue again for all the art I haven’t posted on tumblr yet. ^^;;
This was a watercolor pet portrait commission I did for a sweet pup! The commissioner was doing this as a gift for a friend.
They say the greatest of men are born through chaos. The strongest of teams forged through turmoil and strife.
Heroes is the community collaborative Vermintide fanzine celebrating the Ubersreik Five, that aims to bring together writers, artists, in-game photographers, lore crafters, and meta alchemists together in one compact anthology.
This anthology contains a whopping 76 pages of fanart, fanlore, fanfic, screenshots, and in-game meta theory from some of the community’s most talented and prolific artists and writers.
Click here to read the anthology online!
Paper copies will be available for pre-order soon (no profit will be gleaned from purchases and will only cover the cost of printing and shipping)!
Heroes contains creations from the following creators:
A lot of amazing contributions here! Such beautiful art, an amazing comic, fantastic fanfiction and fan lore, great screenshots and edits, and the meta theories are thoroughly interesting!
Please take a look through it! Exanta did a fantastic job pulling it all together and a great, positive part of the Vermintide community across the various platforms!
I see a lot of people making cool hand things and it inspired me to make my own. It'd be cool to maybe make stickers of this one day, but it isn't my usual style so I'm not sure how well it would be received. :x
The final bust commission is finished! I'll be reopening them in a few days. I'll make an announcement after I've had a little time to breathe, haha. It's been busy in my neck of the woods lately.
This fellow is a D&D character requested by one of my friends in my group I DM for. His name is Kerwin and he is an aasimar wizard. He is an interesting fellow. ;)
