While in class kanina, tinanong kami ng professor namin sa social science: "HOW DO YOU SHOW YOUR STRENGTH?"
Ako, I STFU. We tend to make decisions kasi when were mad, sad or extremely glad na madalas hindi natin napagiisipan. That causes us to expect that it would turn out good but mali tayo doon. Mas madalas, decisions from our extremes, yun yung mga pinagsisisishan natin eventually. "Kudos!" para dun sa mga taong kayang panindigan lahat ng sinabi niya. Pero ako, tumatahimik ako. I keep quiet cuz I dont want to say something that i might later regret. Im not afraid to make mistakes cuz that's what i often do. I just dont want to regret on something i should or shouldn't have done. I believe that im strong when i dont speak. Ang akala ng iba kapag tahimik ka, its either you're duwag or you're dumb. Para bang wala kang lugar sa mundong to kung tatahi tahimik ka lang. But when you dont speak, its like you're letting other people throw anything that can hurt you and showing them you're not. Acting like there's nothing that can break you. Kahit na sa loob mo, you want to fight them back kasi sobrang sakit na. Kahit na paulit ulit ka na nilang pinapatay. I remain still and not doing anything thinking na mapapagod din sila. But that doesn't end there. Babalik padin sila pag trip na nilang batuhin ka ulit til you give up but im pretty sure when they come back, you're more stronger. Not because you're numb to feel anything but because nauna silang napagod and you can think that it may happen again. At kahit gaano pa kasakit ung mga batong yun, you are more willing to receive all the pain kasi wala ng mas sasakit pa sa mga nauna. Yung mga naunang bato sayo na hindi mo napaghandaan. Sa mga unang sakit that you felt na hindi mo pa alam. Noong buo ka pa at bago ka nila subukang sirain. There's nothing more painful than the pain they've caused you when you're not expecting it. But now that you can expect the world to be cruel, the people to be harsh and their minds to judge, you can bear loads of it. You may be able to get rid of it.
Sabi nila, you have to let everything out of your system pag masama ang loob mo or galit ka cuz it hurt like hell at mamamatay ka sa sakit na naipon sa puso mo. Oo nga naman. But for me, siguro manhid na lang ako dun sa sakit pero alam kong nasasaktan ako. I dont want to hurt other people like what they're doing to me but i would hurt them my way. I can keep quiet and show them how their words can rip my heart but not my smiles. Cuz even my heart was torn a million times, it can be healed by the unconditional love of the people who truly cares about me. I can allow them to say or do anything to me but i promise a can fucking get the creep out of them by making them wonder how can i still be able to smile. At kahit na tahimik lang ako to all my problems and worries, i know that my God makes noises for me everytime. The noise of the blessings that He continous to give me all the time. Yung ingay na lahat ng makakarinig ay mabibingi. And me being still is believing that everything has a reason. It will all turn out good and as we move on from it is a new beginning and a more stronger character that i possess. Maybe not now but eventually all great things will happen and blessings will be overflowing as it is.
I am really not in to expressing myself kapag nasasaktan ako to other people. I'd rather keep it to myself kasi ayokong makasakit. I would choose to get hurt by anyone than to hurt anyone cuz i know how the fucking hard it feels. Na masaktan lalo na ng taong mahal mo? It's not pagiging martyr. For me its bravery. I believe it strong.
