The First Post - Honest and Real: My Low Point/My Inspiration
::::Warning:::: the videos in the links are very personal and get depressing. Take caution, especially if you don’t want to see me go through the emotion pain that happens in the video
I apologize for the long-winded post, and possibly hard to understand plot line. I’ll get there though:
This post is a long-time-coming. I ruminate about whether or not to start this Tumblr “channel,” and will continue to do so until I finally click on the teal ‘post’ button.
The purpose of this channel is to provide a valuable, safe place for people to share, vent, confess, propose feelings about both positive and negative things happening in life. Posts can be thought out and planned, or simply honest, raw emotion. This channel can be a source of therapy for those who post; eye-opening for those who read; a way to save someone(s). The third part of the last sentence is where I want to start.
I wanted to share something vulnerable about my life/a low point, to show I am willing to lay just about anything on the line to, eventually, help myself and those around me. I had a first post in mind when I came up with the idea for this channel in the summer ‘16 - when I had started making my way out of a low point, but was too chicken to get the ball rolling. I, unfortunately, hit a lower point, in September ‘16, which coincidentally re-energized my motivation to move ahead with plans.
Alright, get to the chase, Chris. Stop stalling…
…seriously…
On February 11, 2016, I did something stupid. I smoked marijuana, after already having a very disturbing reaction days earlier, unsupervised, alone, against the promise I made to my fiancé, Cait, to only smoke in her presence.
Long story short, I blacked out after one, long drag ((yes - one) from a joint, containing at most 1/10 of a gram), ran out of the house (no shoes, wallet, keys or phone), to a subway station (two stops away), fell (maybe jumped or pushed - I don’t really know), and broke my knee cap (in half), smashing my face (breaking my entire jaw, losing many teeth). I woke up three days later, on Valentine’s Day of all days, to the voice of my lovely Cait. I had been kept mostly unconscious for those days because I was not a very compliant patient (none of which I remember). I spent 12 days in the hospital, 7 days in critical care; wore a full-leg cast as well as a completely wired-shut mouth for 6 weeks. It has been 10 and a half months later, and I am still nowhere close to 100%. All because of one hit of NON LACED marijuana (to clean that part -pure THC).
Do not sympathize. I am alive. I am grateful to all those who helped me through my recovery - and still are. Especially, my immediate family and, of course, Cait. And I will bounce back.
I was going to start a channel after going through this embarrassing life decision, filled with having to explain, and re-explain what happened - as well as the suffer I experienced, including hallucinating from Percocet, losing over 20 pounds, not being at home with my love and dog. I got cold feet though, but kept it in my mind.
I want to show that although I am pro-legalization of marijuana, we are becoming too lenient with its use - it is all around my neighborhood, and not even legal yet. I support all the positive benefits, but it seems people think marijuana is “harmless.” Be CAREFUL. That’s it.
My desire to start this channel came right back to the forefront, after unknowingly ingesting marijuana, in food form (cake). After falling asleep for a few hours, I woke up - well not woke up. I don’t remember that part - mid-hallucination, panicking in an incoherent train-of-thought. It’s hard to explain my thoughts while tripping. Simply put, it’s pure torture: no sense of time, cannot come down, hyper sense of sound, believing the laws of physics and dimension do not apply. I’ll come back to this, in detail, on another post.
Oddly enough, this poisoning happened twice. Neither time thinking it had anything to do with marijuana.
I went to a neurologist, as well as my psychologist and psychiatrist to try to find an answer - to which could not be found. I wore an EEG for a day, went through CAT scans, almost went to a sleep study. I was prescribed an antipsychotic. Still: no answer.
After the second poisoning, I am 99.9999% it is an allergy to marijuana.
Cait took video of the second incident, as advised by my neurologist.
Alright, here’s the point of my post. With the inevitable legalization of recreational marijuana, there needs to be advisement about its dangers. Yes, the good outweighs the bad. HOWEVER, some people do, in fact, suffer - and will continue. AND those numbers will grow. As more people are exposed to marijuana, whether ingesting it or not, will develop allergies (possibly out of the blue, too.)
This video, which is split in two sections, may not seem extremely disturbing. Understand, this is not an act. I am not putting on a show. I have no idea what’s happening during this hallucination. I am way too wrapped in my own psychotic, incoherent thoughts, I do not even have the awareness that I am actually being filmed. I look at the camera a lot, but there is no connection in my brain to know what’s happening.
I am going through anaphylactic shock, while being high. Try to imagine the possibility. AND I have no idea I’m high. I think the world is ending and I might be going to a different dimension. That’s just skin deep. There are soooo many more layers to my insane thoughts while high.
Then I pass out. Wake up. And continue life.
It might be embarrassing to post these videos - showing my vulnerability, in my underwear, fake teeth missing.
However, I feel these videos might be able to save someone, in some way, and would feel infinitely worse if I found out someone was hurt or killed, and I didn’t post anything.
PART 1- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-1VLexMVMM
PART 2- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bmjy8Sr2kV0