I've Loved Her In Secret, I've Loved Her Out Loud

I'm Krys and I'm a black woman with opinions! I'm a lesbian or a gay woman, but never q*eer. This blog started out in 2012 as a mostly wrestling blog. Now it has morphed into a blog about my likes such as: Sports. Fanfiction. Pro Blackness/Pro Lesbian, etc. Gay Shipping. Cats. Body Positivity. My #1 Sports Teams: The Mets are like the ex that I can never completely convince myself to leave. Seattle Seahawks, Indiana Pacers, WI Badgers, TX Longhorns. My Other Teams: Chicago Cubs, Boston Red Sox, Texas Rangers, Tampa Bay Rays. Please click the 'My Tags' link for informational and blacklisting purposes. Header provided by @thotporcello. Come yell at me on my Twitter(s): Fandom Twitter: @Pink_Scarf_Girl My Red Sox Twitter: @SalesBellyRing

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I. AM. NOT. OKAY.

Not even a little bit. 😢

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My iPhone never changes fuck/fucking to duck/ducking.

How many times do I say fuck? 😂

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Keep working hard, ladies!

I had an appointment with my sleep doctor today. He wants me to do a home sleep study.

Because of my weight loss, he’s not sure if I still have sleep apnea!

I lost 20 pounds since I saw him last. And I’ve lost 77 pounds total since the original sleep study. 😯

It’s about time I had some positive news! 💪🏾

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Today’s my Mom’s birthday.

She would’ve been 67.

I can’t find the words to describe how much that I miss her.

She truly was my everything, she was my rock.

I felt like I could do anything because she always believed in me.

Being without her is so painful.

But she did her job; she raised 4 kids and we’re all adults.

I know she was tired and sick.

I know she wanted to join her husband, her parents, her sister, and her best friend.

She made the most of her time here.

She made a mark on this Earth that will last forever to those of us that love her. 🩷

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Sometimes all you need to feel better is food, a nap, and an orgasm.

You can pick what order to do them in. 😂

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It’s been a month since my Mom died and I’m honestly not okay.

I miss her like crazy, especially since it’s baseball season.

She’s the one who introduced me to baseball and we’ve bonded over it since I was a kid.

She has supported me and cared for me in a way that I know was special.

I don’t tell a lot of people about this story, but I was an “oops” baby. My parents weren’t trying to have another child. They came into their marriage with 2 kids each and then they had my sister together. My mom wasn’t taking her birth control regularly and then “surprise!” I was born.

My mom was thinking about getting an abortion. I asked her what changed her mind. Back in the ‘90s they had daytime and nighttime talk shows. She said that these shows for a week featured stories about women who couldn’t get pregnant. She thought it was a sign from God.

When she was pregnant with me, my Dad was an EMT. At the time, there was only one hospital where we lived that had a Neonatal ICU. He told my mom that I should be born there.

When I was born, I couldn’t breathe so they had to rush me to Neonatal ICU. My dad says he was like a baseball catcher because he received me when I was born. My mom didn’t get to hold me before they took me away. I was in the hospital for 6 days. I had to use a breathing tube. My parents and my siblings only got to hold me briefly while I was still there.

So much of who I am is because of my parents. They worked hard to give me a good childhood. They supported me in everything I wanted to do. They took care of me throughout my chronic illnesses. They preached education and they were cheering me on for all of my degrees. They were perfectly fine when I came out to them and they loved me unconditionally.

It’s so hard living without them. I miss them everyday. They truly were the best. I literally wouldn’t be here without them.

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All my favorite athletes are at the end of their careers or are already retired. 😭

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I have some words of advice today:

Take pictures and videos of/with your loved ones and friends.

Don’t worry about being self-conscious in these moments. It’s not about that.

It’s a bittersweet thing to have pictures and videos to view after someone passes away. You’ll reminisce and be transported back to those good times.

I have a friend who lost her father a long time ago. She said that she can’t remember the sound of his voice and that broke my heart.

This also applies to taking pictures of yourself at graduations, concerts, etc.

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This brought up something that I never thought about until now.

I’m honestly okay if I end up alone. I’m not actively looking for a date or a girlfriend.

But I think it would’ve been nice if my parents got a chance to see me in love. 💔

[chris-sales-belly-ring]

I have some words of advice today:

Take pictures and videos of/with your loved ones and friends.

Don’t worry about being self-conscious in these moments. It’s not about that.

It’s a bittersweet thing to have pictures and videos to view after someone passes away. You’ll reminisce and be transported back to those good times.

I have a friend who lost her father a long time ago. She said that she can’t remember the sound of his voice and that broke my heart.

This also applies to taking pictures of yourself at graduations, concerts, etc.

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I feel so lost without my parents.

I feel depressed and hollow.

It’s not fair that I outlived them.

Both of them died at 66 which feels so young.

I still need them.

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I didn’t make it to the hospital in time to say goodbye to my mom.

She passed away this morning.

It’s been a little over 4 months since my Dad passed.

I’m so heartbroken.

But I hope they reunite.

They were married for 41 years, so I’m not surprised that my mom passed away so soon after my Dad did.

She was in so much pain and she was sick, so I’m glad that she’s not hurting anymore.

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I am a true crime fan, so I’m excited for this event.

He’s going to talk about catching them, etc.

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I hate making menus and grocery shopping.

Sometimes it can be really simple though.

Dinner tonight is rotisserie chicken with rice and green beans.

It’s also nice because it’s not an expensive meal.

With my mom still being in the hospital, it has thrown off the menu I made for this week.

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It has been almost 5 months since my Dad died and it has been rough.

My Mom’s sick (she has been in the hospital for 9 days) and she misses him a lot.

He died 3 days before their 41st wedding anniversary.

She’s refusing to eat and she’s not taking her medications anymore.

She’s in a lot of physical and emotional pain.

She made the decision yesterday to be put on hospice care.

I completely understand her feelings and I respect her choice.

But I’m devastated.

My Mom is my second best friend, but I don’t want her to suffer anymore.

I want her to find peace. She deserves that.

I hope that she gets to reunite with my Dad after she passes. ❤️

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I’m casually 8 pounds away from my lowest adult weight.

I didn’t really get here intentionally, but I’m still going to count it as a win.

My body’s starting to feel better as the weight continues falling off.

My BMI has officially fallen from obese to overweight again.

I’m not where I want to be as far as strength, conditioning, and overall fitness yet but that’s okay.

It’s going to take time (especially because my right hip still needs surgery). I’m going to need help from my physicians and trainers to reach my goals.

I never dreamed that I would be able to see my low weight again, yet alone have a chance to surpass it.

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My sister and I went to see New Edition, Boyz II Men, and Toni Braxton last night.

It was a great show.

It got sad.

I didn’t consider that Boyz II Men would sing “One Sweet Day.”

It was the first time I heard the song since my Dad died and I cried the entire time.

His birthday’s coming up on March 30 and we’re bringing his remains home that day.

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26 inches of snow you guys…