to you

[chris125m]

Apparently you're not sleeping well.

You never had much trouble with sleep.

I was the one being ripped from my dreams

Screaming and kicking after another nightmare.

I've always slept better with you next to me tough.

But to you it didn't make much of a difference.

You were never scared of what might haunt you in your dreams.

But hearing that your sleep is disturbed is worrying me.

I can't help it but care that you're not sleeping well.

Because I still care about you more than you will ever know.

letters to you that I'll never send -11.

[chris125m]

Do you ever think

About the future we could've had?

Does the idea of something that was just out of reach

Haunt you as much as me?

Are you able to close your eyes

And not see memories of us flash before them?

Can you sleep without unconsciously reaching for me next to you?

Do I appear in your dreams?

Or am I just your past?

letters to you that I'll never send - 10.

[chris125m]

This doesn't feel like the end of us.

It just doesn't feel like it's official.

Like all we are now is just friends.

I don't know if you feel it too.

But I can't help but think that it isn't completely over.

Maybe it's just some sort of break

One where we try to work on ourselves.

Maybe we'll get to have the future we dreamed of.

I just can't let go of hope.

Cause if I will

I have nothing left.

letters to you that I'll never send - 9.

[chris125m]

Usually I spent my Mondays at your place.

Cooking with you and your roommates.

Sharing stories from the weekend.

Watching shows together.

All piled up on the couch.

Cuddled up to your side.

And then I'd go to bed with you

And share loving words in confidence.

This is the second Monday that I'm not with you.

Instead I'm with my girlfriends

Trying to make sense of it all.

Looking at my phone each time it buzzes

Hoping it is you.

But instead it's the group chat with your friends.

I guess they're also mine

And that's why I keep the group chat.

But they're your best friends.

It feels so surreal not lying next to you.

Sharing my evening with you.

Just like we used to do.

letters to you that I'll never send - 8.

[chris125m]

Sometimes I wonder

How much pain someone can go through.

I've had my fair share of painful moments

But not one of them felt like this.

I know eventually it will pass.

And the love that remains will

Be platonic.

But I don't know how to survive

Something I've never felt before.

letters to you that I'll never send - 7.

[chris125m]

I have never been patient.

Waiting for somethig always felt like torture.

So waiting for this heartbreak to be over is insufferable.

And then again I'm very prone to self-sabotage.

I actually don't want it to be over.

Not because I enjoy the pain.

But if it's over that means my feelings for you are fading.

And that means there is officially no chance of us anymore.

I'm not ready to give up on us.

With all that's been said

I still have hope.

How do I still have hope?

letters to you that I'll never send - 6.

[chris125m]

I was always moving in another direction than you.

I wanted to move in with you years ago.

But I couldn't possibly force you.

So I made you're place feel like home.

I got to choose the new apartement with you and your roommates.

And you're roommates we're already like brothers to me.

I have so much stuff that is still there

Cause I thought eventually they'll make it back to me.

But not like this.

I thought I get them back when moving in with you.

You're place felt like home.

And now it isn't anymore.

All I have left is your key that weighs to much on my key ring.

Knowing I have to give it back.

Knowing I feel like I'm losing another thing.

How can you you make this look easy,

When I'm certain you hurt too?

letters to you that I'll never send - 5.2

[chris125m]

I really regret yesterday.

I don't regret seeing you.

And I don't regret going to this event we've been planning for the last two years.

But I had questions

And you pretty much told me

That you think breaking up was the right decision.

But never once did you ask me.

Everything inside me screams that it is wrong.

I regret seeing you take a part of my tiny bit of hope away.

Why is love unfair?

Sometimes it feels like my heart is so hurt I need to take it out of my chest.

Like I'm ripping at the seams

And I'm starting to fall apart.

Like only a hug can hold me together.

And I know someone will hold me if I ask.

The thing is I don't want someone.

All I want is you.

letters to you that I'll never send - 5.1.

[chris125m]

I felt confident about today.

But then I saw you

And everything came crashing down.

I didn't know it would be like this.

I thought maybe I could finally breathe again.

But instead it hurts.

I want to touch you.

Hug you.

Kiss you even.

But that's over.

letters to you that I'll never send - 4.

[chris125m]

I never really wanted children.

I didn't have the best experience growing up

And the thought of being a parent scared me.

But you changed that.

I didn't simply want to give you children

Because you wanted them.

But I actually wanted some with you.

And raise them.

And be a family.

Cause you'll be amazing at it

And you could ease my mind about it.

But I don't think I'll ever want that with someone else.

How do you cope with losing a love

And a future at the same time?

letters to you that I'll never send - 3.

[chris125m]

You told me that your unsure.

You don't see a future right now.

But in the same breath

You tell me that I'm one of the most important people.

That it hurts you too.

That there is still love for me in your heart.

That you don't want to leave.

So tell how can you just give up?

How can you decide that it's not worth fighting for?

How can you willingly choose this pain?

letters to you that I will never send - 2.2.

[chris125m]

Right after waking up

My body tricks me into thinking everythings ok.

But it's not.

I wake up on your side of the bed.

Holding your pillow to my chest.

Only it isn't your side anymore.

Just like I'm not yours anymore.

But I want to be.

I'll forever be yours in a way.

Why don't you want to be mine anymore?

letters to you that I will never send - 2.1.

[chris125m]

Today it is official.

Today it is real.

I never thought that I'd feel that much pain;

Not because of you at least.

It is almost funny

how someone you trust and love

can break you so fast and easily.

Never in a million years did I think

it would be you who would rob me of my future.

I miss you already.

Even though the memory of your touch and your kiss still lingers.

Even though my brain still chases the high of your arms around me.

But this is the new reality.

And it is more painful than I ever dared to imagine.

letters to you that I will never send - 1.