caro

transition

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I'm 29 years old and can't sleep änd an idiot

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I'm overwhelmed

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have a lot of dreams where im being slowly chased by someone and they always keep getting closer and closer and it always ends with them getting to me

it usually ends violently. i behave like an animal with its neck in the jaws of a wolf, still and apparently dead already, trapped with my heart beating faster and faster, eyes wide and like glass, plagued by inaction

had a dream last night where i was in a room and knew i was going to to be taken and had to wait it out knowing someone was coming to put me in a horrible situation. i could try and prepare all i wanted, but they were coming, and i would lose control anyway when the time came

the inevitable always comes and im always powerless to stop it

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I want to be held

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I want to be touched tenderly

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im SAD thankyou for reading

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i’m so frustrated with my own inadequacies i’m fucking crying after a phone conversation and i don’t even understand what i don’t understand and i wish so desperately that i could know what the right thing to say or feel or do is. she asked me if i followed a script and like god i wish i knew where or what it was. i misinterpret and try to say honest things and hopefully the tings that are right but i have no fucking clue and i hate it.

i hate hanging up on the phone and less than 10 seconds later i’m sobbing i hate that i don’t know how i’m supposed to respond and if there even are clear cues in these moments

when she says that she feels like she’s not engaged and keeps pressing me, when she called me and participates in the conversation and also says she doesn’t want to be on the phone, like what is the thing to do? am i making wrong interpretations? it’s so fucking complicate d and i just wish that i understood. i wish and i wish and i wish and i try and i try and i don’t and i dont and i dont and i dont and i dont

i want to drown

i’m not going to stop trying, but i wish the hard parts didn’t hit me so hard

i want to walk into the woods and exhale the air from my lungs and decompose into the earth and stand crowded among the trees on the land and in the sky

i want to break myself open the way you tap an egg on the corner of a bowl

slip under fresh poured concrete, burn to a crisp in an incinerator, clean my home and my life of all the grime including myself

i am overdramatic

i wish i could understand and describe my feelings better outside of these metaphors

she accused me if not speaking directly, of not saying my feelings plainly and exactly as they are. i don’t know how to explain that this is how they are, that this is clarity, that i am being descriptive as i can be, as honest about myself as my ability allows

i hate myself and i wish i didn’t

but i do

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i’m so fucking stupid

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thank you for being here too

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I will be here as long as I can be

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I am here, just hidden

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i’ve abandoned all my friends and been abandoned by all my friends

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i don’t have anyone i can relate to wrt gender

i need to feel like i’m real and not faking it

i also need a hug probably

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i feel like no one sees me for the person that i want to be and i don’t know if that’s selfish or not for me to want them to

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felt like crying all day

i’m so stupid and so lonely

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making an announcement: i’m sad

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was going thru old content i put on the internet (mostly pics) and i used to be so much cooler. fuck!! i’m a whiny loser who works at target now