ofanyaāāāā Ā Ā Ā /ā Ā Ā Ā anya Ā casiraghi
ā āC'MON,ā SHE LAUGHS, NUDGING HIM BACK WITH HER OWN ELBOW, ā iām just teasing you. ā she makes a face, scrunching up her nose, ā you know i donāt mind whatever you have to say. i like hearing what youāre thinking about. all of it. ā so, she thinks sheās earned the right to tease him because more than anyone else, she wouldnāt mean it. anya bottles up her personality a lot of the time around people, tries not to stand out or be too memorable in case the impression she leaves is unlikeable. but with charlie, it spills out over the edges, and she doesnāt mind if she leaves a bit of a mark behind because sheās comfortable with the impression. she canāt help but be herself around him. ā itās not your fault, ā she repeats firmly, leaning into his touch as his fingertips brush over her cheeks. it was a big part of her life, so she was bound to think about it, and money is something that comes up more often than sheād like. itās funny how you donāt really notice money until you donāt have any of it. ā but thank you, thatās kind of you to say. ā heās being polite. she appreciates it, though, and she knows the puffiness will subside momentarily as long as she can distract herself. for all of charlieās bravado in proposing this now, heās going to have to bring it up again because anya wonāt. sheāll be nervous that he didnāt really mean it about paying for her, and she wonāt want to be the one to push it if it was just an offer made after a couple drinks. still, itās not the first time sheās thought about seeing more of the world with him, all the times that heās brought up his travels with her sheās wondered what it might be like to be there, right alongside him. thereās the usual voice in the back of her mind that tells her not to get her hopes up, but she canāt help it ā sheās beaming, caught up in his smile and the sweet way that the corners of his eyes crease when heās happy. her expression softens for a beat.Ā ā i always worry about things, ā anya reminds charlie, because itās practically a personality trait of hers though a therapist would just call it anxiety.Ā ā but okay, we can talk about it. i want to know everything. ā basically, she just wants to be included, and surely sheāll be excitedly sending him ideas once sheās more comfortable.
once, when anya was fifteen, sheād written this : āiām so frustrated with my parents. it feels like i could stand in the center of the room and scream and scream and they wouldnāt even look up. my mother would probably say something like, ā thatās nice, honey. ā i just donāt know what to do. i feel like no one here notices me and i donāt know what iāve done wrong.ā itās essentially the dramatic diary entry of a teenage girl, but anya is still trying to grow out of that. most of the time she has felt overlooked, unnoticed unless she did something absolutely drastic, something like nearly getting herself killed. charlie has never overlooked her in such a way, and even now, his eyes meet hers in a way that makes her feel like he really SEES her. she doesnāt feel forgotten or misunderstood in the slightest, in fact, she feels so completely at ease. itās impossible not to adore someone who impacts your life like that, and the way she feels for him runs so deep that she doesnāt think sheād ever be able to get it out of her. she has never had a friend like him, and she probably never will again. she wonders if back then there was some intrinsic part of her that knew how special he was, some instinct that drew him to her ā but even as the thought crosses her mind, she knows thatās not true and thereās no need to overcomplicate it. as a child, itās much more simple than that, you gravitate toward comfort and the things that make you happy. she chose him because he looked at her like he saw her, spoke to her like he knew her, and that hasnāt changed over the years.
anya notices how quickly he finishes the glass of water in his hand, and she hopes sheās subtle about the way she trades their glasses, casually replacing his with hers while heās speaking about the terrace. ā okay, letās walk, ā she agrees, ā but i can carry my own heels, charlie, itās okay. ā she instantly feels a little more free when they can head out the door onto the path, undoing the strap on her heels so she can carry them while they walk. it takes her down a few inches, even shorter in comparison to charlieās lankier stature. however, she feels more free, more relaxed, and maybe a bit pleased with the thought that her mother would hate how completely unladylike this behavior is. the only regret she has is that she doesnāt have a free hand to hold his. itās lucky the stars are bright tonight.Ā ā iāve never taken my heels off at a party before, ā she says, holding them up,Ā ā i feel sort of rebellious. āĀ
āĀ iĀ know,Ā āĀ charlieĀ starts,Ā shakingĀ hisĀ headĀ withĀ aĀ flutterĀ ofĀ hisĀ eyelashes.Ā Ā āĀ justĀ beĀ carefulĀ whatĀ youĀ wishĀ forĀ āĀ itāsĀ goingĀ toĀ beĀ aĀ longĀ summer,Ā andĀ weāreĀ allowedĀ toĀ textĀ now.Ā iĀ canātĀ promiseĀ iĀ wonātĀ spamĀ yourĀ inboxĀ aĀ littleĀ bitĀ āĀ butĀ iāllĀ spareĀ youĀ anythingĀ pastĀ midnight.Ā āĀ itāsĀ meantĀ toĀ beĀ aĀ joke,Ā thoughĀ perhapsĀ thereāsĀ someĀ truthĀ there.Ā charlieāsĀ beenĀ knownĀ toĀ textĀ ratherĀ unashamedly,Ā andĀ itāllĀ beĀ noĀ differentĀ withĀ anya.Ā heĀ reckonsĀ tommyĀ shouldĀ thankĀ herĀ āĀ sheāllĀ beĀ gettingĀ allĀ theĀ thoughtsĀ thatĀ donātĀ goĀ intoĀ letters,Ā now.Ā theĀ tinierĀ thingsĀ heĀ doesnātĀ haveĀ timeĀ toĀ ruminateĀ onĀ orĀ forget.Ā itāsĀ aĀ domainĀ theyĀ arenātĀ quiteĀ usedĀ to,Ā andĀ heĀ hopesĀ theĀ illuminationĀ ofĀ daytimeĀ anxietiesĀ wonātĀ discourageĀ himĀ fromĀ reachingĀ outĀ toĀ her.Ā anythingĀ beyondĀ midnightĀ willĀ beĀ savoredĀ forĀ letters,Ā regardlessĀ ofĀ whetherĀ heāllĀ actuallyĀ sendĀ them.Ā Ā āĀ youĀ donātĀ haveĀ toĀ thankĀ me,Ā āĀ thereāsĀ aĀ smallĀ breathĀ ofĀ laughterĀ atĀ theĀ thought,Ā andĀ charlieĀ doesnātĀ Ā knowĀ thatĀ sheĀ understandsĀ heĀ isnātĀ sayingĀ itĀ toĀ beĀ polite,Ā orĀ toĀ makeĀ herĀ feelĀ better.Ā rather,Ā itāsĀ becauseĀ heĀ meansĀ itĀ ...Ā heĀ hasnātĀ everĀ saidĀ anythingĀ toĀ herĀ thatĀ heĀ doesnātĀ mean.Ā thereāsĀ noĀ shouldĀ beĀ noĀ questionĀ ofĀ whetherĀ anyaĀ casiraghiĀ isĀ beautifulĀ āĀ sheĀ alwaysĀ hasĀ been,Ā alwaysĀ willĀ be.Ā fromĀ theĀ smallestĀ fibersĀ ofĀ herĀ soulĀ baredĀ ontoĀ parchment,Ā toĀ theĀ wayĀ herĀ eyesĀ glitter,Ā andĀ theĀ wayĀ sheĀ justĀ shinesĀ withoutĀ everĀ havingĀ toĀ try.Ā itāsĀ impossibleĀ notĀ toĀ recognizeĀ herĀ radiance,Ā evenĀ whenĀ heāsĀ onlyĀ readingĀ herĀ throughĀ aĀ thinĀ pageĀ ofĀ paper.Ā itāsĀ theĀ kindĀ ofĀ beautifulĀ thatĀ doesnātĀ dimĀ withĀ time,Ā forĀ itāsĀ soĀ well-ingrainedĀ inĀ herĀ bonesĀ inĀ aĀ wayĀ thatĀ spansĀ beyondĀ mereĀ looks.Ā heĀ tiltsĀ hisĀ headĀ atĀ herĀ softenedĀ expression.Ā āĀ iĀ canātĀ blameĀ youĀ forĀ worryingĀ ...Ā butĀ iĀ donātĀ wantĀ youĀ toĀ feelĀ likeĀ youĀ haveĀ to,Ā āĀ charlieĀ starts,Ā thoughĀ heĀ knowsĀ allĀ tooĀ wellĀ youĀ canātĀ simplyĀ shutĀ offĀ anxiety.Ā āĀ iĀ justĀ ...Ā iĀ wantĀ youĀ toĀ enjoyĀ yourself,Ā isĀ all.Ā noĀ weights,Ā nothingĀ toĀ stressĀ over.Ā iĀ knowĀ iĀ havenātĀ gotĀ theĀ bestĀ trackĀ forĀ stayingĀ organized,Ā butĀ itĀ isnātĀ myĀ firstĀ timeĀ planningĀ somethingĀ likeĀ this.Ā iāmĀ plentyĀ capable,Ā youĀ know.Ā āĀ heĀ saysĀ itĀ withĀ anĀ amiableĀ grin,Ā toĀ showĀ thereāsĀ noĀ maliceĀ inĀ hisĀ tone.Ā charlieĀ doesnātĀ alwaysĀ doĀ aĀ greatĀ jobĀ ofĀ showingĀ it,Ā butĀ heāsĀ thoughtful.Ā Ā evenĀ despiteĀ everyĀ destructiveĀ tendency,Ā heĀ couldnātĀ messĀ somethingĀ likeĀ thisĀ up.Ā Ā āĀ iāllĀ keepĀ youĀ updated,Ā butĀ youĀ canātĀ knowĀ everything.Ā thereāsĀ gotĀ toĀ beĀ someĀ surprises.Ā āĀ charlieāsĀ gotĀ theĀ upper-handĀ ofĀ havingĀ spentĀ sixĀ monthsĀ inĀ greeceĀ priorĀ toĀ hisĀ firstĀ yearĀ atĀ blackthorneĀ āĀ heĀ knowsĀ enoughĀ ofĀ theĀ language,Ā andĀ allĀ theĀ bestĀ placesĀ toĀ eat,Ā toĀ see,Ā toĀ experience.Ā heĀ wantsĀ toĀ shareĀ itĀ allĀ withĀ anya,Ā toĀ watchĀ herĀ feelĀ theĀ joyĀ heĀ canĀ neverĀ quiteĀ shakeĀ whenĀ reflectingĀ onĀ hisĀ adventures.
theĀ glassĀ ofĀ waterĀ isĀ switchedĀ soĀ seamlessly,Ā charlieĀ hardlyĀ registersĀ itāsĀ aĀ differentĀ cupĀ asĀ heĀ bringsĀ theĀ chilledĀ rimĀ toĀ hisĀ lipsĀ again.Ā itāsĀ anĀ easyĀ flowĀ toĀ fallĀ intoĀ whenĀ youāreĀ withĀ someoneĀ youĀ trustĀ soĀ completelyĀ āĀ anyaĀ couldĀ talkĀ himĀ intoĀ anything,Ā evenĀ withoutĀ trying.Ā heāsĀ tooĀ entrancedĀ byĀ theirĀ interaction,Ā anyway,Ā hisĀ gazeĀ devotedĀ toĀ herĀ features.Ā Ā theĀ blueĀ ofĀ herĀ eyes,Ā andĀ theĀ wayĀ theyāreĀ moreĀ ceruleanĀ thanĀ his.Ā heĀ getsĀ tiredĀ ofĀ theĀ greyĀ ofĀ hisĀ reflectionĀ āĀ butĀ hersĀ isĀ somethingĀ heĀ couldĀ getĀ lostĀ in.Ā thereāsĀ theĀ slopeĀ ofĀ herĀ nose,Ā andĀ theĀ curveĀ ofĀ herĀ lipsĀ ;Ā theĀ wayĀ herĀ cheeksĀ turnĀ rosierĀ whenĀ sheĀ laughs,Ā asĀ ifĀ theĀ sheerĀ actĀ isĀ somethingĀ toĀ feelĀ shyĀ about,Ā noĀ matterĀ theĀ joke.Ā inĀ allĀ hisĀ twenty-someĀ yearsĀ ofĀ knowingĀ her,Ā chalieāsĀ neverĀ wantedĀ anyaĀ toĀ feelĀ sheĀ hasĀ toĀ shrinkĀ herselfĀ whenĀ sheāsĀ aroundĀ him.Ā heāsĀ alwaysĀ preferredĀ theĀ oppositeĀ āĀ gettingĀ toĀ knowĀ herĀ inĀ aĀ wayĀ thatāsĀ unapologetic,Ā asĀ ifĀ heāsĀ gotĀ aĀ frontĀ rowĀ seatĀ toĀ theĀ cinemaĀ ofĀ herĀ imagination,Ā herĀ deepest,Ā innermostĀ musings.Ā heĀ wantsĀ toĀ devourĀ whatĀ littleĀ timeĀ theyĀ haveĀ leftĀ together,Ā forĀ tomorrow,Ā theyāllĀ beĀ backĀ toĀ nearlyĀ fourĀ millionĀ feetĀ separatingĀ them.Ā backĀ toĀ lettingĀ wearyĀ daysĀ andĀ hazyĀ nightsĀ quietĀ theĀ soundĀ ofĀ herĀ voice,Ā blurringĀ theĀ candidnessĀ ofĀ herĀ features,Ā theĀ delicacyĀ ofĀ herĀ touch,Ā andĀ theĀ wayĀ hisĀ fingertipsĀ seemĀ toĀ buzzĀ asĀ theyĀ traceĀ herĀ skin.Ā heĀ wantsĀ toĀ enjoyĀ theseĀ sixĀ inchesĀ whileĀ theyāreĀ stillĀ aĀ luxuryĀ theyĀ canĀ affordĀ āĀ itāsĀ onlyĀ inevitableĀ theĀ summerĀ willĀ beĀ lessĀ sunnyĀ withoutĀ herĀ around,Ā andĀ perhapsĀ itāsĀ embarrassing,Ā butĀ heāllĀ countĀ downĀ theĀ daysĀ untilĀ sheāsĀ breathedĀ intoĀ existenceĀ onceĀ more.Ā separationĀ willĀ beĀ easierĀ toĀ bearĀ afterĀ greece,Ā knowingĀ thereāsĀ aĀ shorterĀ spanĀ ofĀ timeĀ betweenĀ theirĀ nextĀ encounter.Ā inĀ allĀ hisĀ yearsĀ ofĀ academia,Ā heāsĀ neverĀ onceĀ lookedĀ forwardĀ toĀ standingĀ atĀ theĀ footĀ ofĀ anotherĀ longĀ schoolĀ yearĀ ;Ā butĀ asĀ heĀ standsĀ inĀ thisĀ ballroom,Ā heĀ thinksĀ thereāsĀ aĀ thousandĀ tinyĀ thingsĀ thatāllĀ makeĀ itĀ allĀ worthĀ itĀ āĀ andĀ anyaĀ casiraghiĀ isĀ worthĀ moreĀ thanĀ allĀ ofĀ them,Ā combined.
āĀ well,Ā youĀ shouldātĀ haveĀ to,Ā āĀ charlieĀ argues,Ā finishingĀ hisĀ waterĀ andĀ discardingĀ itĀ ontoĀ aĀ serverāsĀ trayĀ beforeĀ theyĀ exitĀ throughĀ theĀ ballroomāsĀ frenchĀ doors.Ā heĀ letsĀ herĀ leadĀ theĀ wayĀ untilĀ theyāreĀ beyondĀ theĀ terrace,Ā steppingĀ ontoĀ aĀ stoneĀ pathĀ thatĀ leadsĀ towardĀ theĀ gardens.Ā havingĀ beenĀ wrappedĀ soĀ closelyĀ inĀ herĀ embraceĀ onlyĀ momentsĀ beforeĀ makesĀ thingsĀ feelĀ emptierĀ āĀ asĀ ifĀ heāsĀ missingĀ somethingĀ heāsĀ otherwiseĀ yearningĀ for.Ā itāsĀ naturalĀ toĀ longĀ toĀ beĀ closerĀ toĀ her,Ā hisĀ shouldersĀ brushingĀ pastĀ hersĀ likeĀ aĀ lightĀ breezeĀ kissingĀ theirĀ cheeks.Ā charlieĀ wouldĀ holdĀ herĀ hand,Ā too,Ā ifĀ heĀ hadĀ theĀ chance.Ā heāsĀ distractedĀ fromĀ theĀ thoughtĀ asĀ sheĀ speaksĀ again,Ā aĀ lightĀ chuckleĀ escapingĀ hisĀ lips.Ā Ā āĀ oh,Ā itāsĀ veryĀ rebellious,Ā anya,Ā āĀ heĀ teasesĀ lightly,Ā feelingĀ playfulĀ āĀ asĀ ifĀ theyāveĀ snuckĀ awayĀ intoĀ theirĀ ownĀ pocketĀ ofĀ theĀ universe,Ā aĀ landĀ withĀ noĀ rulesĀ andĀ farĀ fromĀ theĀ patronizingĀ gazeĀ ofĀ judgmentalĀ parentsĀ andĀ brothers.Ā Ā āĀ promiseĀ iĀ wonātĀ tellĀ anybodyĀ ...Ā itāsĀ ourĀ secret.Ā āĀ heĀ smilesĀ cheerfully,Ā lightheartedly.Ā itĀ occursĀ toĀ himĀ thatĀ itĀ doesnātĀ matterĀ whatĀ theyāreĀ talkingĀ aboutĀ ;Ā thisĀ feelingĀ isĀ consistentĀ inĀ herĀ presence,Ā andĀ perhapsĀ someĀ ofĀ theĀ onlyĀ consistencyĀ hisĀ emotionsĀ haveĀ known.Ā andĀ thoughĀ theĀ nightĀ isĀ threateningĀ toĀ comeĀ toĀ aĀ close,Ā heāllĀ elongateĀ theseĀ momentsĀ forĀ asĀ longĀ asĀ heĀ can.Ā heĀ isnātĀ readyĀ toĀ sayĀ goodnightĀ orĀ goodbye,Ā noĀ matterĀ howĀ briefĀ itĀ mayĀ be.Ā heĀ wantsĀ toĀ beĀ here,Ā there,Ā andĀ everywhereĀ thatĀ anyaĀ casiraghiĀ is.