Chronicles of a Bartender

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HEY!!!

Okay so I've been slacking way fucking hard here. Sorry about that. Back to the grind as they say. One of the worst things you can do while at a bar is to scream "HEY!" at us. It's a pretty sure fire way to get served last, after all the patient people. What's worse is when you do that, and then we are met with "uhhhhh what do you got?" Get your shit together. Most importantly, do NOT EVER yell "hey" and then point to the person next to you and say "she needs to order." Everyone needs to order and eveeyone WILL order, but if I'm at my register counting money, and you decide to tell me who to serve, I hate you. I hate you a lot. Also (I'm making up for lost time here), fuck your vapor e-cig. No, it's not smoke, but that doesn't mean you can blow a 45 cubic yard of it in my face before you ask me to make your Long Island strong. Which brings up another point. Asking for a "strong shot" will get you...a straigh shot of something. Or a shot involving combined liquors. The more mixers I dump onto your shit, the more diluted it gets. Don't ask for a strong shot and then order a fucking lemon drop. That's all for now kids!

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Sooooo go do that and fuck off.

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I dunno, something cheap

When you go to a bar...strike that. When I go to a bar, I generally have a pretty solid idea of what I'm going to drink. I'm not big into cocktails so if I'm having one I can easily figure out if its going to be vodka or Captain Morgan. When it comes to beers, theres a lot more choices but I still generally know what I'm looking for, and I will even take the time to look at the bar's beer selection and have my order prepared. What im getting at here is don't walk up to a bar and have this conversation: Moron: "give me a beer. Me:"what kind?" Moron: "I don't know...just a beer." It makes you look fucking stupid and irritates the busy bar tender. Also, don't add the qualifier of "something good" or "something cheap" or my personal favorite "something good and cheap". You don't get to have both. My new rule is, if we have this conversation, you get to wait while I serve the rest of the bar. Hopefully by then you will have made a decision.

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Don't be that guy

So apparently when you hop over the bar and remove two people who are fighting in the span of around 30 seconds, your customers have a new found respect for you. This is reflected in some of their tips. If you're old enough to drink in public, you should be old enough to not get into a fight in a public place. There's literally nothing I hate more than when two jerk off people decode the only way to settle something is by fighting. It ruins EVERYONE'S night. Don't be that guy. Learn to walk away.

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Two house beers!

Waiting for another Friday night shift to start. It's cheap whiskey night. Always a fun time. Last night was a fun one. Mostly populated by vacationers, the bar was full of drunk ass 20 somethings demanding the "house beer" and not tipping. I did get to inform yet another patron that screaming "HEY BRO!" And wagging three 1 dollar bills in my face is the quickest way to get served last though. That's always fun.

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Excuse me sir could you scratch here???

I'm writing this post while still at work. All night I've been watching this girl just drive her ass into every guy in the room like she has a really itchy ass hole and is trying to scratch it on every dick she sees. It's funny as shit because the guy before the current one is always just standing there like a chump, watching. Hating.

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Heeeeeeyyyyy sleepy head

It always makes me laugh when I have to get security to remove a sleeping customer. It makes it that much better when they are standing up, head on the bar, dead ass asleep. The confusion on theor face when their head pops up is priceless "What...? Why am I here? Huh? Oh okay yeah lets go..." I caught one guy standing up at the men's room sink with his head in the sink itself completely out cold. He's a regular so I just stuck him outside in a chair until he slept it off a bit. My absolute favorite sleeping drunk guy started off with the bathroom attendant telling me there was a guy passed out in the stall. Fair enough, we've all been there. I go to look and see that, not only is he passed out...his pants are around his ankles and he's covered in puke. Covered. In puke. With his pants down. I let security handle that one. Poor guy spent the entire night passed out in a chair by the front door. From like 11:30 til 4am. It was mighty impressive.

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“Just make me something strong bro!”.

First off….I’m not your bro.

Second, if you ask me to make something strong without specifying an actual drink (“Jack and Coke. Make it strong”), I’m going to make you one of these. This is a 252. Careful what you ask for.

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You dropped something

I love the end of the night after a big event at my bar. Especially one that involves costumes. After Halloween last year I brought home a Cookie Monster head, some wings, hipster glasses, and a tail of some sort. Looks like I have my costume picked out for next year.

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You don't want any of this

Have you ever seen It's Always Sunny?  You have, because you're awesome.  If you haven't, you need to...go do it now.  I can wait.

Anyway, my point in asking is because if you HAVE seen the show, you need to think of the episode where they had the dance marathon in the bar.  Now think of Mac dancing with the waitress.  Yeah.  I watched a guy dancing like that last night.  Only he was throwing uppercuts and right hooks at nothing. 

It was quite funny.  You should've been there. 

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I think you've had enough.

This is a pretty surefire way to tell when someone has had enough.

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Sorry, we ran out

Listen, if you are the type of person who goes into a bar and says "give me your cheapest beer" or "Let me get whatever is on special", then you probably should just stay home. The amount of times I have people walk up with two dollars and ask for the special, only to hang their heads in disappointment and walk away when I say we are out is way too high. I almost feel like telling them to save their money and buy a 12 pack of PBR for $7.99 and call it a day.

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Be fucking nice to your bar tender

If you are going to ask your bar tender for a little extra booze on top of you’re drink, don’t be a fucking cunt about it by telling me your drink is “fucking weak” and “that’s bullshit” when I inform you that your drink is supposed to taste like that. Your FOURTH Jameson and coke just might taste a little weaker than the first three. Most times, if you ask nicely, I’ll gladly top you off. The key here is to be fucking nice.

While we’re on the subject… If you order a Long Island Iced Tea, don’t ask me to “make it strong.” It’s a Long Island. It’s 85% booze. If it were any stronger it would be undrinkable. They’re barely drinkable as it is.

Oh and offering to shoe me your tits are not going to do anything but reinforce the stereotype about drunk girls being sluts. You still have to pay for your shot.

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Keep it classy

My wonderful establishment is on the bottom floor of a two story building. This means we have several poles scattered about to keep the celing from collapsing. There’s a straight row of them going down one side near our seating area with little table tops welded onto them.

On any number of occasions I’ve had to ask patrons to refrain from dancing on said tables. Most comply without question. My favorite encounter happened a couple of years ago when I was still a bar back.

A lovely young lady hops up and starts, quite whorishly, dancing on a table. I walk up and the following exchange takes place.

Me: Excuse me, I’m going to need you to get down. Her: WHY!? Me: Well because these tables are really meant to dance on. I’d hate for you to fall and get hurt. Her: Well then why is there a pole here!? Me: I… It’s a celing support! Just get down please before I have to have security ask you. Her: Fine whatever. Me: Stay classy.

Naturally if there is a pole ANYWHERE, it’s there to be danced upon.

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It's all you!

Thank you so very much for the five dollar bill on a $4.50 drink and letting me keep the change!

Now, normally I don’t mind so much for the most part. I mean, quarters add up, and my change jar is hungry. What gets me is when someone decides they’re doing me a real favor by tossing me fifty cents.

As an aside to this little bitch fest, if you’re going to tip fifty cents on a drink, don’t ask your bar tender to “hook it up” the next time you come to the bar. Generally, we do give slight hook ups here and there based on the size of your tip (heh) and it DOES go both ways. So remember that.

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Oye!

In case you were wondering, yelling “oye” at me while I’m in the process of taking someone’s order or counting money, is not how you’re going to get your next drink any faster. I see you, and because of your inabity to be patient, I’m serving the person next to you first. Congrats.

While I’m on the subject, leaning as far as possible over the bar and waving your money at us doesn’t help either. Just stand there like a good boy and wait your god damn turn. Legally you’re an adult if you’re in my club so you could at least TRY to act like one and have an ounce of patience.

You’re going to get your drink. Settle the hell down.