The Chronicles of Cisco

[chroniclesofcisco]

Okay Fangirls and Fanboys, I have decided, after much deliberation (but really because Kamilla keeps begging me to “get with the times”) that it is time for this blog… to be REBORN. Like a caterpillar becomes a beautiful butterfly… or like Taylor Swift whenever she releases a new album. You get it. 

Basically, it’s time to take the Chronicles of Cisco to the next level. And that level is… 

INSTAGRAM. 

I’m told that Instagram is the schway place to be in 2019 for an influencer such as myself. And yeah, I realize I’m nine years late to the party, but so what? At least I showed up. Besides, work keeps me pretty busy during the week in case you hadn’t noticed. 

Anyway, I’d like to thank you, my loyal readers, for following along with these here Chronicles. Your support has meant the world to me and I hope you’ll continue to stay in touch on the new platform. Change, as they say, is the spice of life, so follow @cwtheflash for more “hot” takes from me, Cisco – aka, your favorite member of Team Flash.

[chroniclesofcisco]

Yes, finally! I’ve been DYING for the chance to write on Cisco’s blog since I got here. Blogs are so 2004, amirite? LOL! (Did I say that right? I still don’t get Internet slang… or memes… or hashtags… But I do love gifs! You better believe I’m gonna bring those back in 2049.) 

Anyway, I’m stuck here in Cisco’s Workshop while everyone else is trying to find Cicada II; even though we already have a perfectly good way to find her – ME. I get that my Mom and Dad are just worried about me and yeah, things may have gotten a little out of hand last time I went all in on my connection with Grace, but don’t they realize that it’s different now? That I’m different now. 

I can’t be too mad at them, though. I did kinda show up unannounced from thirty years in the future. That was probably a lot to process… And I have definitely gotten in the way and grifed things up more than once. Mom was (is?) right, I am excessive. But they’ve been so schway through it all. I need to remember that I ran back to 2018 so that I could spend time with my parents. So I can’t get mad at them for parenting me. 

Shrap, they’re calling for me. Gotta run!

[chroniclesofcisco]

It’s that time of year again, my dear Readers!  That glorious time of year, for all of Team Flash, when all seems lost and my anxiety spikes!  Yay! Man, what I wouldn’t give to go a whole year without a mega villain trying to take over the world…  My collection of ceramic Hummel figurines… I wouldn’t give those.  You’d have to pry them from my cold, dead hands!!!

This Cicada / Cicada II situation has been THE WORST.  You know how it is, just when you think you’ve caught the bad guy, another one from the future shows up.  Classic! It’s because of these Cicadomorphas that I had to perform the most dangerous task of my life today – I met with BREACHER to see if he had a tracking device we could use.  Obviously he didn’t!  He just lured me there to try and kill me (again!) over the whole Gypsy break-up.  Should’ve seen that one coming, Cisco!

As terrible as the Breacher meet-up was, it wasn’t as terrible as the fact that I wasn’t here for Caitlin, my best friend, when her dad was killed.  I should have been here.  I could have helped.  I feel like such a fool for going on a wild goose chase when I should have been here with my friends.  Thanks a lot, Cicada Dos, you big, bad, bug!  Can’t wait until we kick your butt to the curb!

[chroniclesofcisco]

Woof, what a day.  Nora’s giant truth bomb (she’s working with Thawne, WHAT THE SHRAP?!) hit like 8,000 comically giant ACME anvils dropped from the top of Mount Everest.  Nora, our #1 fangirl, mini West-Allen, working with the enemy?!  My brain… can’t… compute.

I’d like to take a moment here to thank Sherloque for the heads up.  NOT. Apparently Basil of Baker Street has been Great Mouse Detective-ing this whole time and didn’t care to loop anyone else in.  I’m not usually a “pro spoiler” kinda guy, but a simple “Bonjour, Team Flash.  Blah, blah, blah, Cisco has the most luxurious hair, right? Also, Young Nora is working with your greatest enemy” would have been nice.

If my brain hurts thinking about this, I can’t imagine how Barry feels.  How are you supposed to react when you find out your daughter from the future has been in cahoots with your own personal Voldemort since Day One?  Not even the stupid Book of Ralph can help solve this one.

We’ve all been through a lot together, but this one… it really rocked us.  How are we supposed to bounce back from this?  Leaving the suggestion box open for any and all advice…

[chroniclesofcisco]

First things first, I'd like to give a shout out to Cisco for letting me take over his blog again (thanks, pal!). Second, welcome back to the Daily* Dibny! Let's get down to business -- Of all things to miss, I had to miss a giant land shark fight a giant psychic gorilla?! Not to be a Dibny Downer but that isn't something that you can just see any day. Heck, you can't even find that on the Internet. Nobody thought to document this?! It looks like we'll just file this in the "Great Fights I Wish I Had Seen" chapter of the Book of Ralph. 

You might think that dedicating an entire chapter of a book to match-ups that I wish I could witness is silly but I'll kindly remind you that you're reading The Book of Ralph, NOT the book of whoever you are, buddy. The only guideline I use while curating this list is that once I think of a fantasy match I need to write it down immediately. Any changes or additions/logic policing to said match-up have to be added on the page and approved by the editor. Now, it's my great pleasure to unveil to you the ULTIMATE list of Fights-that-I-wish-I-would-have-seen (curated and edited by R. Dibny): 

King Shark vs Grodd 

Shaq vs Jackie Chan (call it Shaq vs Jack) 

Me vs Stretch Armstrong (talk about a squash; sorry Stretch) 

Hulk Hogan vs The Incredible Hulk 

The guy behind the counter on Wednesdays at CC Jitters vs The closer from Big Belly Burger 

Robots fighting each other (as many as possible) 

Aliens fighting humans but in a WWE kind of way not a "we're going to kill your entire planet" kind of way 

Bruce Lee vs Lee Bruce (the guy who has that tax office downtown) 

Much like myself this list is constantly growing. Who knows how long the list will be!? You know, I might have to just make this it's own book and I'll call it…Ralph’s Rumbles!

[chroniclesofcisco]

 DOs and DON’Ts when working in an abandoned arctic lab: 

After being stuck up here for weeks, I’m really feeling like my time working on this meta cure is wrapping up. While I’m grateful for all the peace and quiet and not having to worry about Sherloque hogging my computer all the time, being up here for days on end can be…. well, let’s just say the struggle is definitely REAL. 

So, should you find yourselves working in a former black ops site, here’s my list of DOs and DON’Ts to make it a little easier for you: 

1) Don’t forget to set up WIFI. This place hasn’t seen a mop in 20 years let alone have any of its systems upgraded. 

2) Do bring your favorite game system and definitely remember to re-up your STEAM subscription. Make sure to bring some variety in your gaming to keep it fresh: A little “God of War” here, some Call of Duty, and maybe a couple hours of Resident Evil…wait, people trapped in a creepy lab with monsters… scratch that last one. 

3) Definitely DON’T watch “The Thing” or any horror film set in a winter-like setting. 

4) Do pack the essentials: A couple of family packs of ramen in a cup, a few weeks worth of Twizzlers, and the last 5 unread issues of the “Fluid Mechanics Monthly.” 

5) Do bring all of your important exercise equipment: Resistance bands, Kettle Bells, Yoga M…HA! I was making sure you were still reading. Why on earth would I bring any of that? Put this firmly in the “Don’t” column. 

6) Do figure out how to sign up for that Multiversal Delivery service Sherloque uses. The elutriation rotors on my centrifuge keep wearing out and the ones made on Earth-2 are damn near indestructible! 

7) Don’t be distracted by the very smart, talented, and all-around awesome bartender/ photographer that you’ve been texting with for the past couple of weeks…even if she is trying to set up a date with you. That’s something you can worry about when you’re back in town… hopefully soon.

[chroniclesofcisco]

When the winds of distress are blowing a strong sense of panic through the air (mental note: save that line for future poetry book) who does the city turn to? Well Team Flash of course! With Cicada targeting metas across the city, it’s been up to us to warn the potential victims and put a stop to Cicada’s crimes. It’s been a constant race against the clock and we decided to split up duties – I got saddled with warning everyone about the attacks. No pressure. 

So I began to think – what are the best ways to reach a large amount of people in a short amount of time? The obvious answers were out – billboard? Too pricey. Press conference? Too much to coordinate last minute. I had to think outside the box and the clock was ticking. I decided the most practical option would be to take a page out of my man John Cusak’s book: time to warn the city with a giant boom box. 

It’s often said that the world works in mysterious ways. Moments before I was able to put my plan into action I saw what could only be described as a sign from a higher power – in beautiful cursive letters, carefully crafted by a small airplane: MARRY ME, KATE. That’s when it dawned on me – I can write my warning in the sky! Moment’s later it also dawned on me that I have no idea how they do that. But it’s like the old saying goes: if failure isn’t an option, then you can only choose success. I’ll make a giant banner and attach it to the back of an airplane. Then I’ll circle the city, warning everyone and preventing Cicada’s nefarious plans. Ralph, you’ve done it again!

I hustled over to the airport where I was able to hire a small plane for next to nothing (it might not have been legal but let’s not look too hard at that – it was for the GREATER GOOD!) and have them attach my banner. 15 minutes later we’re soaring above Central City, my banner in tow and a victory in our sights. When we landed, there was a package waiting for me. I opened it to find…my banner? But we just flew with that! I turn and wouldn’t you know it – we just flew a BOGO ad for Big Belly Burger around town. No wonder this was so cheap… 

I have some explaining to do...

[chroniclesofcisco]

Okay, hi, Iris West-Allen here subbing in for Cisco while he’s on Earth-38 (dealing with the whole Barry/Oliver body swap thing).  He wants me to update his “blog” while he’s gone…  Oh, man, I can’t believe I got roped into doing this…  I didn’t even know Cisco had a blog.  I can see why he never told any of us.  Dude writes about his feelings WAY too much.  He needs to follow the classic inverted pyramid we journalists follow…

Anyway, don’t have a lot of time here because, hate to break it to you, Cisco, there are way more important things going on than keeping your Live Journal, or whatever this is, up to date.  So here’s your update:

- Barry and Oliver swapped bodies

- They’re on Earth-38 trying to fix it

- Cisco went to bring them back because…

- A giant robot is attacking Central City

Pretty standard stuff for us to be dealing with, right?

Actually, since Cisco usually talks about his feelings on here, I guess I’ll talk about mine for a second – Nora and I have finally bonded and I’m loving every second I get to spend with her.  It’s been so much fun getting to know my daughter from 30 years in the future.  It’s pretty schway (that’s a hip future thing).  How many mothers can say that?

Okay, signing off and going to get my husband back.  My real husband.

[chroniclesofcisco]

Wow.  After all this time, we finally reached 100 episodes…of my long-running YouTube gamer channel: “All your Cisco are Belong 2 Us”.

So many hours of me yelling into a microphone while driving in a stolen convertible in the city streets of San Andreas, crying tears of pure joy paragliding over the Kingdom of Hyrule, or collecting valuable resources in a post-apocalyptic Earth…I don’t remember which game that was.  I’m just realizing there’s an usually high amount of games taking place on a post-apocalyptic Earth.  Kind of funny considering we narrowly avoid the apocalypse every other week at this point.

Reaching this milestone was no easy task.  There were many hardships along the way, like The Great Debate of 2013: Buy the PS4 or the Xbox One? It wasn’t really a debate since I bought both as soon as they went on sale.  Just last week, I forgot to save my gameplay on Red Dead 2 and lost ALL of my progress for the day.  I may or may not have cried during that week’s episode.  

That’s not important.

What’s important is that we made it to 100 episodes, baby!  Thank you to all the true fans for your support throughout the year.  Oh, that’s right.  I started the channel last May.  What? You thought I’ve been doing this for like, five years or something?  That would be crazy.

[chroniclesofcisco]

Hello Diary, it’s me Ralph. If you don’t recognize me it’s because I’m writing this from Cisco’s laptop (don’t tell him that but he also deserves it for leaving his personal laptop unlocked at the lab). I know it’s been a bit since I last wrote but can you blame me? I’ve been busy stretching around Central City. Let’s not beat around the bush: I’m writing because I’ve got a problem: Ragdoll.

I thought I was over my fear of clowns but ever since Ragdoll popped up all these emotions are rushing back. Like that one time in third grade where the clown at the school festival laughed at me because I spilled a soda on my pants. Or the time in high school when I went over to my crush’s house to watch IT and I cried the whole time (and I love Tim Curry!). You know now that I’m writing and thinking about this I’m also remembering the time that I signed up for clown school …okay I need to stop before I go back to my dark place.

Therein lies my problem. It’s very clear to me that everyone needs my help in taking down Ragdoll. It is not very clear to them that I am deathly afraid of clowns. Diary, what should I do? I need to be there for the team but seriously clowns freak me the H. E. double hockey sticks out. Whatever I decide – I have to make sure that nobody ever finds out about this phobia. Well at least the embarrassing stories, they can know I’m afraid of clowns I guess. Wait…That’s it! You know what, diary? You’ve done it again!

Tomorrow, I’m going to go to the team and be straight with them. I’m going to tell them that I’m super terrified of clowns and all that they stand for but I’m willing to try and get past that for the good of team. I’m glad I took the time to revisit you, diary. I’ve missed you. Perhaps I’ll turn this into a more weekly thing? We’ll see. All I know is that I have to make sure that none of this ever gets out – that could get ugly. Also, remind me to talk to Cisco tomorrow about his laptop. I have no idea how to work this email program and I’m not sure why there isn’t a “send” button but “publish” instead. Whatever, they’re always changing how words are used with these things.

Thanks for the advice, Diary.

- Ralph

[chroniclesofcisco]

Guys…  Spoiler alert – I’M DEAD!

Man, feels weird to say that – er, type that – out loud.

Okay, okay, I’m not technically dead, but Vibe is and he’s a part of me, right?  So yeah, I might not be wholly dead, but a part of me is.  Now, you might think that having a part of you get killed off would be kind of a downer, but I gotta say…  Being dead is way schway!  (BTW – the award for Best Future Lingo goes to Nora – thanks for introducing us to the schwayness of “schway,” girl!)

They’re giving me time off from work, I get to chill out at my parents’ house – my mom has been making me all my favorite foods – I’m catching up on all my reading (um, hello, why did no one warn me I would cry through all of Time Traveler’s Wife?!) and totally finding myself through mindfulness meditation…  HA!  Yeah, right I’m not doing any of that – although I did buy a “Self Meditated” t-shirt the other day.  No, what I’ve really been doing is binging Younger and playing Fortnite…  Like I said, way schway.

Anyway, I’m sure the loss of Vibe will hit me eventually but, until then, I’m going to enjoy all the perks that being “dead” has to offer.  Oh, and if I don’t see anyone dressed as Weekend at Bernie’s Vibe for Halloween this year, I’m gonna be mad disappointed.  That’s right, I’m watching you nerds.

[chroniclesofcisco]

I don’t know if it’s the after-effects of the Enlightenment, all the champagne I’ve consumed, or meeting my best friend’s adult daughter from the future, but I’m feeling more reflective than an episode of “This is Us” over these past few days.

On the plus side, with all this craziness going on and that lingering hangover, I’ve barely had time to experience the existential dread of dying of old age and never making your mark on the world like you always knew you would growing up.  I take that back.  The dread is here.

I don’t even know why I started feeling this way.  I thought it might because my breakup with Gypsy.  But, it’s probably Nora suddenly showing up and talking about knowing us 30 years from now.  Which is nuts because I was sure my mind would have been uploaded to the cloud by then.  

Nora has been careful not to drop any future truth bombs about Team Flash, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been thinking about my future.  I wonder if what I do today will make any impact on the world in the future.  Do I become the next Albert Einstein or am I just thought of as that guy who hung out with The Flash, played Overwatch for days at a time, and could quote every line of dialogue from “Young Frankenstein” upon request?  Actually, that would be a cool thing to be known for.  

If anything, thinking about the future has made me want to double-down on my life in the present.  Time to seize the day… or at the very least, seize a Big Belly burger.  After all, you can’t live your best life on an empty stomach.

[chroniclesofcisco]

This is it! The end is here! The Thinker’s Enlightenment machine is at 80%, which means soon all of our minds will be wiped.  So long intelligence.  Bye bye bye to all my beloved pop-culture knowledge.  It’s all being erased.  But before I’m rebooted there are some deep dark secrets I need out there in the world. Since no one will be smart enough to read this blog, I might as well confess!

 When I was shrunk earlier this year, I ate a full size Big Belly Burger.  I probably should be ashamed I ate so much, but really, I’m impressed with myself.  

 In third grade, Ian Smith was the local Mario Kart champion and I definitely recalibrated my controller to be able to beat him.  Yes. I cheated… but with science!  

 And finally, the secret to how I keep my hair so shiny?  I use a Moroccan conditioner and add a pinch of lime juice.  

 I can’t believe I actually admitted to all of this. Luckily, in the event we do somehow stop DeVoe and save the world and our minds, I built in a fail-safe that will immediately delete this post… so unless that somehow goes awry, you’ll never read my greatest secrets!

[chroniclesofcisco]

10:37 AM: I've finally convinced Barry that taking down DeVoe will be impossible without help. So, he's agreed to teach Caitlin and I how to operate in Flashtime without melting like ice cream on a Bunsen Burner. And right on cue, he has just called us in for lesson #1. Send me good vibes!12:05 PM: Well... lesson 1 could probably have gone better, but I'm still alive. I guess that's a win. My first takeaway is that Flashtime is a trip. You know how after you're on a boat, you still feel the sway of the ocean even when you're on land? It's kinda like that but with running instead of swaying. I'm also wondering how the frick Barry ever stops eating. I was in Flashtime for less than a second and I burned so many calories I feel like I could swallow a semi-truck. But I have to keep myself in check. Our next sesh starts any minute now and the last thing I need is to Diggle-hurl all over the Speed Lab. Talk in a few!

3:40 PM: Lesson 2 is in the books and I've gone full on Templeton. I'm not even kidding. If there's some sort of disaster that locks us into S.T.A.R. Labs -- which around here is at least a 50/50 proposition -- we're gonna be fighting over Tums and chewable vitamins. 'Cause I legit can't stop myself. Oh snap, do I smell hot dogs??? Please hold.

3 minutes later: Not hot dogs, just dog treats. Probably leftovers from H.R.

6:17 PM: Barry's given us the green light to go out in the field and try our luck. So please consider this my living will -- my Dimensional tuning fork should go to Caitlin, to Iris shall belong my molecular decelerator, and I will the let the boys fight it out over my tachyon powered drone. Because... let's be honest, what's more awesome than a tachyon powered drone??? 

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to infinity and... I don't actually know if I can legally say the rest, but you get the picture. 

[chroniclesofcisco]

It’s been getting real over here for Team Flash…between Ralph’s death, another run-in with Nazis, and DeVoe’s evil plan to reboot all of our brains – yeah, it’s been a doozy of a month.  I wanted to call the Council of Harrisons back up to tell them about the breakthrough with DeVoe but H. Wells was occupied with a lady friend and H.P Wells was in “the throes of reading a passionate romance novel.” 

That only left Sonny Wells to call up.  He was stoked that Harry had had an emotional breakthrough and asked what I was doing to celebrate my success.  I hadn’t thought about celebrating seeing that I had the daunting task of figuring out how to launch Amunet’s metal projectile at DeVoe’s satellite.  I was about to hang up with Sonny when he reminded me of H. Well’s advice – all work and no play leaves no time for whoopie. In this case, “whoopie” meant food. Sonny told me the way he usually kicks back and frees his mind is by making his secret tomato gravy which I get is an Earth-24 version of marinara sauce. Being a fan of anything food related, I was intrigued…

Sonny told me he would share the recipe with me if that meant I was going to take a break from work so… I got my chef’s hat and all the fresh ingredients to make Sonny’s Sauce. At first, he instructed the usual ingredients – fresh tomatoes, garlic, onions… but then he told me to use Taste the Pain’s Flaming Hot Sauce.  I gasped --- what the hell was that and how do I get me some of that goodness? Apparently, VCR’s aren’t the only thing that Earth-24 is known for.  It also is home to some of the best and hottest sauces.  I grabbed my gear, breached over real quick, and popped back just as my pasta started to boil.  Sonny told me a little bit of the hot sauce would go a long way and being the King of Spice – I sprinkled a generous helping into my tomato sauce concoction. Voila!  It was ready – I took a bite and just like H.P. Wells with his bread – I was hooked.  Not even ashamed to admit I had three bowls of it – brain food!  Now, to get to work on that projectile…

[chroniclesofcisco]

Well, it’s been harder to adjust to the single life than I imagined. I mean I guess I’ve lived life as a bonafide bachelor for most of my years, but I was just starting to get into that whole relationship groove. To go from that back to the lifestyle of a single man at the drop of a hat takes a lot out of you! Even though Gypsy and I both agreed that we work better apart, and it was the right thing to do, it wasn’t what your boy was planning for. Heck, it wasn’t long ago that I was weighing the pros and cons of taking over for Breacher! Nothing could have prepared me for this sudden new void in my life! Did that sound dramatic? Whatever, it’s allowed.

Now I’ve been through my fair share of breakups before, so I’ve got a few tricks to distract myself and one of the oldest tricks in the book is to do something you couldn’t have done in the relationship. You get to open yourself up to something new while forgetting the ways of the old. This isn’t to say that Gypsy and I didn’t have a great relationship -- we did -- there was just some small stuff that I had to turn down when she was around. For example: it wasn’t a highly publicized fact, but Gypsy was lactose intolerant (milk is different on Earth 19 apparently) and I had to turn down a cheese tasting at the Central City Cheese Counter one weekend when she was visiting. So, to kick off this new chapter of my life...I’m gonna eat a whole buncha cheese.

Who doesn’t love cheese? Never has there been a more perfect food for any occasion. Joe is grilling some burgers? Throw some American cheese singles on there. Ralph takes you out to this weird club in town? They have fancy cheese cubes for sure. Oh, Barry and Iris are hosting a dinner party? IN COMES YOUR BOY WITH THAT CHEESE PLATE! It almost pains me that Gypsy has never been able to take part in the delicious dairy filled joy that cheese brings to lives all around the world. So, to mourn my loss of her, I’ve stocked up on some of the finest cheeses that money can buy -- camembert, brie, gouda, jack -- the gang’s all here.

Six hours later, here I am regretting that I ate all that cheese. If there’s one thing that I learned in my time with Gypsy, it’s that moderation is important. Space between us is what let our relationship go on for as long as it did and the second that I almost moved there is where it all went south. Not enough Cisco moderation, you see? Well in my cheese-centric attempt to forget my past life, I forget the moderation lesson and learned a valuable one of my own: it seems that even I, if given the right amount of cheese, am lactose intolerant. You live, and you learn, right?

[chroniclesofcisco]

Look, there’s no way around it. Things have been rough. It’s bleaker than the beginning of Alien 3! Though, after seeing Barry make a breakthrough with his grief in his battle with Siren-X, and returning to Dr. Sharon Finkel’s office, I decided maybe it was time for me to get my Freud jam on some Rorschach tests, and see what Finkel has to say about my old cranium. I was going to get some therapy!  

I went to Finkel’s office to set an appointment and ran into Barry and Iris on their way out. They had another successful session, but Finkel was closing shop to vacation in Fiji for the next few weeks. She was trading in her office couch for a hammock on the beach. So that was Strike One.  

I figured it was time to turn to my lady, but I couldn’t get in touch with Gypsy as she was out in the multiverse doing what she does best. And truthfully, I didn’t really want to saddle her with my baggage anyway. We barely get to talk these days with us both being so busy. So that was Strike Two.

My last shot was Leo Snart. He’s a therapist himself and mentioned how he helped the Legends through some of their grief. As we prepped him to head back to Earth-X I pulled him aside and asked if he had a few minutes to spare for a session. But, Leo said something about having to go back and wrestle his wedding rings from a tiger’s jaw, as part of some Earth-X wedding tradition so he didn’t have time. Luckily, he said he had something that might help and handed me a puppet… of me. I have to say; the hair was spot on.  He told me talk to the puppet. And there you have Strike Three.  

I decided to take a walk and see if the fresh air inspired my puppet-self to help me out. I ended up at a park and sat at a bench. The puppet remained silent. Then a little dog scampered over.  It was a corgi named Salt. They say animals can tell when you’re in pain, and there was something about his panting smiley face that I couldn’t resist. I opened up to ol’ Salt.  I told him about my pending job offer and how it was stressing me out. I told him about how painful it’s been to lose our friend Ralph, and I told him about how I’m scared for Harry and his new condition. I don’t know what it was, maybe it was just saying it all out loud and having someone listen, but in this case, it was okay to pour a little salt in my wounds. What a great dog I thought, as Salt jumped up, snagged Puppet Cisco and ran off with it. Turns out he just wanted a new chew toy, but the tradeoff was totally therapeutic for me!