karkat pov liveblog: part 10 (i am ditching the act thing for now because i dont want to keep track of that and it has reached the point of being a stupid thing to attempt)
whoops its been a while since i last posted here. graduated highschool, lazed around home to celebrate summer beginning, yknow how it is. when i last posted, karkat had just finished trolling john for the second time, at the point in time when john had just had a poorly timed vriska-induced nap that caused the creation of bec noir. i think i fumbled the cause-and-effect and chronology a bit in that post, but whateverrr the minute details are unimportant. im more interested in seeing what karkat is gonna toss my way next!
looks like jade is his next target of torment.
CG: HI AGAIN, IDIOT.
GG: oh nooooooo
CG: SO I GUESS TODAY IS FINALLY THE DAY YOU FUCK EVERYTHING UP.
GG: >:O
CG: IS THERE NOTHING I CAN DO TO CHANGE YOUR MIND?
oh, i saw someone point this out recently i think, but the parallel to calliope and jane's conversation here is pretty obvious
UU: good morning, lovely. ^u^
GG: Why, hellooooooo.
UU: so i gUess today is finally the day yoU make everything better.
GG: :B!
[...]
UU: is there nothing i can do to ease yoUr mind?
but back to jade and karkat! based on karkats messages and the timestamp, its the afternoon (13:04) of april 13th (in jade's timezone, at least, not that any of this matters much).
this conversation consists mostly of
karkat trying to contact the other most obviously responsible member of bec noir's creation
jade getting very mad at this guy! she blocked him already!! leave her alone!
jade blocking karkat again after just a few messages back and forth
from karkats pov this is quite funny.
like this is the entirety of this conversation. jade is already tired of him from conversations karkat hasnt had yet, and karkat is not getting off to a great foot!
i wonder if the way blocking works is that ... karkat wasnt blocked bc from his perspective he hadnt been blocked yet?? does that even work? what kinda paradox is this man ok. thats enough lingering on a 2 minute long conversation.
-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --
EB: karkat!!!
EB: hey buddy, you were making me worried there...
EB: are you ok?
CG: WHAT IN THE NAME OF SWEET GLOBE TICKLING FUCK.
CG: EGBERT, I JUST GOT DONE ERUPTING A WHOLE VOLCANO OF MERCILESS FUCK YOU ON THE PRIMITIVE VILLAGE LOCATED SQUARELY ON YOUR CROTCH.
CG: ASSUMING THAT'S A SUITABLY TERRIBLE PART OF HUMAN ANATOMY FOR A VILLAGE IN JEOPARDY TO EXIST.
karkat receives a message from john out of nowhere. understandably, he is confused to receive such a caring check-in, given how their last conversation went.
CG: SHUT UP. HOW DARE YOU CONTACT ME WHILE I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF MY BACKWARDS MARCH OF HATE THROUGH YOUR TEDIOUS TIMELINE.
EB: oh god, this is not right!
EB: you aren't supposed to hate me anymore, you're supposed to be kinda my friend, sorta!
EB: when is this?
CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHEN IS THIS
CG: OK, LET ME JUST CHECK THE UNIVERSAL CLOCK WHICH KEEPS CONSISTENT TIME FOR ALL FRAMES OF REFERENCE AND ALL PLANES OF REALITY.
CG: IT'S HALF PAST YOU'RE A MORON.
EB: ok, duh! i know that.
EB: i mean, how many times have you talked to me before?
CG: WE JUST GOT DONE WITH OUR SECOND CONVERSATION. HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW THIS?
EB: AUGH!
EB: this isn't good, i need to talk to future you!
CG: WHY
EB: because it sounds like you're in trouble.
EB: i think maybe you are running from jack?
CG: OF COURSE WE'RE RUNNING FROM JACK, I JUST GOT DONE FUCKING TELLING YOU THAT.
everyone here is equally frustrated with the inconsistent timelines! karkat took a quick break to yell at jade that was interrupted by her blocking him and followed up by karkat getting these messages from a john looking for a future version of karkat. from karkats pov, these strike me as a bit ominous! obviously theyve already hidden from jack, but john makes it sound like he catches up and finds them. if i were karkat id be getting pretty worried abt what the future holds--not that theres much help in trying to avoid it!
EB: ultimate riddle shit?
CG: I CAN TELL THIS CONVERSATION IS GOING TO BE A UTTER FUCKING JOY TO PARTICIPATE IN.
CG: I HONESTLY ENVY ANYONE IN THE POSITION OF NOT HAVING TO PUT UP WITH READING IT.
CG: BUT YOU ASKED FOR IT, JOHN, SO HERE WE GO.
CG: ARE YOU READY
EB: no, i just want to talk to future you. :(
CG: NO YOU DON'T
CG: TAKE IT FROM ME
CG: THE GUY IS A BASTARD.
karkat starts attempting to make a point...but then makes the idiots boner of jumping back to troll a john...lets see...over 1500 pages in the past!
CG: SEE THIS IS A CASE IN POINT.
EB: what point?
CG: THE POINT I WAS JUST MAKING.
CG: ABOUT THE ULTIMATE RIDDLE.
CG: YOU BLITHERING FECULENT SHITHOLE.
[...]
EB: so what was the "case in point" you were making, anyway?
CG: I WAS SCROLLING BACK AND NOTICED YOU WERE IN THE VEIL.
EB: whoa, i am?
CG: YEAH DUMBDUMB, YOU'RE TUMBLING AROUND ON A BIG GODDAMN METEOR.
seriously though karkat, what were you trying to achieve with that jump? im starting to think you might just be a bit of a dumbass on top of the shenanigans. maybe take another nap? you could really use the sleep!
EB: hey, i have an idea.
EB: why don't you get back to me in a few minutes?
EB: i mean like a few minutes of my time, not yours.
EB: all of these little pink monkeys are getting way out of line and i have to tend to them.
EB: if you message me in a couple minutes, we can continue conversing in a sane, linear fashion for a change!
CG: UM, OK?
such a reasonable and logical idea!!! how about you try it?
CG: OK IT'S A FEW MINUTES LATER.
CG: LOOK HOW SANE AND LINEAR WE ARE BEING.
EB: yeah!
CG: OK AWESOME, NOW FUCK YOU AND GOODBYE.
karkat...you strange little boy... how you enchant me.
CG: JOHN EGBERT, YOU HAVE ASSASSINATED MY PATIENCE.
CG: ADIOS LOSER.
EB: wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EB: get back to me in a couple minutes, ok?
CG: SD;LKFJSD;LKFJSDLFKJ;
CG: FINE.
SO ASTOUNDED BY THE MERE SUGGESTION OF MAINTAINING LINEARITY!
cmon, karkat, i believe in you! you can do it! keep this up!
you are doing so well bestie.
EB: what happens in our game that's different from yours that makes things go so badly?
CG: JACK NOIR.
EB: who is jack noir?
CG: AN AGENT OF DERSE.
CG: WHO FLIPPED OUT AND ROSE TO POWER.
CG: HE KILLED YOUR BLACK QUEEN AND KING AND NOW HE'S IN CHARGE.
EB: so you didn't have him in your game?
CG: NO, WE DID.
CG: BUT HE WAS HARMLESS.
CG: ACTUALLY, HE WAS AN ALLY, SORT OF.
he stabbed you, karkat. multiple times. but sure, "harmless" is fine.
CG: THE WORST IS YET TO COME.
CG: FOR YOU.
EB: oh no!
EB: what is the worst thing?
CG: ALREADY TOLD YOU.
EB: dammit!
(psst. john. your sisters god dog is gonna give him some nasty powerups.)
and back we go again. nevermind about being in a reasonable order i guess!
CG: I KEEP SCROLLING BACKWARDS THROUGH YOUR ADVENTURE.
CG: TRYING TO PIECE TOGETHER HOW YOU BOTCH THIS UP SO BADLY.
CG: AND I KEEP FINDING THESE STRIKING POCKETS OF FOOLISHNESS.
CG: LIKE WHAT YOU'RE DOING NOW.
CG: RIDING YOUR LITTLE RED ROCKET.
for a lot of this, his trolling order isnt even "oh i fucked up and embarrassed myself time to jump back again and start fresh!" its literally just him being a sleep-deprived dumbass jumping to random points he comes across and thinking every single time that for some reason it wont be a fucking nightmare to attempt a conversation with john!
TIMELOOP PARADOX PRANK!!!!
EB: well, we're friends by then, aren't we?
EB: or sort of like, uh, reverse anti-mutual friends.
CG: WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN MEAN.
EB: look, you're going to have to face it at some point...
EB: that you're learning the meaning of this human emotion called friendship.
CG: IS FRIENDSHIP REALLY AN EMOTION?
EB: yes, absolutely.
friendship isnt an emotion, fucknuts!
CG: SO GO AHEAD, ASK ME ANYTHING.
EB: ok...
EB: what's the point of the game.
CG: ASK SOMETHING ELSE.
CG: ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT.
CG: IT WAS THIS WHOLE BIG CONVERSATION WE HAD.
EB: augh!
"ask me anything" (asks question) "no not that"
teenage boys. am i right.
EB: where are you now?
CG: IN THE MEDIUM.
CG: A SEPARATE SESSION FROM YOURS.
EB: no no, i know that!
EB: you already told me.
CG: I DID?
EB: yes, in your future.
CG: DAMMIT.
see karkat? how does it feel?
EB: derse?
CG: THE DARK PLANET.
CG: PROSPIT'S THE LIGHT ONE NEAR SKAIA.
EB: well jeez, how am i supposed to know any of this??
CG: YOU'D PROBABLY FIND OUT SOONER OR LATER FROM YOUR DUMB GRANDMA.
CG: BUT BY FUSING WITH THE SPRITE SHE HAS TO WITHHOLD STUFF AND BE MYSTERIOUS AND ALL.
CG: TO MAKE YOUR ADVENTURE SEEM MORE "MAAAAAAGICAL!!!!"
CG: IT'S INFURIATING
we dont get to see a lot of the trolls' session (compared to the kids', hardly any) and only catch a few glimpses of ... crabdadsprite? karkat sure makes it sound like hes speaking from experience. what sort of secrets did he have to pry from his crabdad? i would love to see his frustration there lmao.
i will give him this, though: hes actually been pretty helpful in this conversation! he gave john a ton of new information and all.
CG: I'M OUT OF HERE.
EB: ok, but wait...
EB: can you give a message to GC for me?
EB: tell her nice try.
CG: WHAT
CG: WHY WOULD I GIVE HER A MESSAGE FOR YOU
CG: DO IT YOURSELF, I'M NOT A RELAY SERVICE.
EB: oh, well i thought you'd be cool with it since you asked me to give her a message for you last time.
EB: but whatever.
"last time" being in karkat's future, i suppose.
CG: I FIND THAT HIGHLY IMPLAUSIBLE.
CG: I'M NOT FALLING FOR ANY MORE OF YOUR HUMAN PRANKS.
CG: "NICE TRY" JOHN
CG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
and on to the next conversation, where important discussions on con air are taking place:
EB: no, it's about these criminals on a runaway plane, and they've got to be stopped by nick cage and john cusack together as a team.
CG: OH.
CG: OK, THAT ACTUALLY SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD I GUESS.
EB: it is sweet, so sweet, you would probably like it.
CG: I'VE HEARD OF JOHN CUSACK I THINK.
CG: WASN'T HE IN SERENDIPITY?
CG: THAT WAS PRETTY GREAT FOR A HUMAN FLICK.
isnt it lovely, this disease called friendship?
EB: hahaha, oh man, that sucked so bad!
CG: OK I DON'T SEE HOW WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE BECOMING FRIENDS IF YOU RECOIL FROM MY OLIVE BRANCH LIKE I'M WIGGLING A GNARLED TREE MONSTER'S DICK IN YOUR DIRECTION.
... and thus the blossoming friendship collapses like a house of cards.
EB: well, i've got one of your godly players helping me now, so we can't be in such bad shape.
CG: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.
EB: GC gave me a map.
EB: and showed me a shortcut.
CG: WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING.
CG: THIS ISN'T WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT DOING AT ALL.
CG: HOLD ON LET ME ASK HER ABOUT THIS...
EB: ok.
now what could this human egbert be up to?
CG: OK...
CG: NOW SHES JUST OVER THERE GIGGLING AT ME LIKE AN IMBECILE.
CG: WHAT ARE YOU TWO UP TO, WHY ARE YOU IN CAHOOTS NOW?
EB: umm...
CG: OW FUCK!!!
CG: OK SHE JUST WALKED OVER AND PUNCHED ME.
CG: AND SAID IT WAS FROM YOU.
EB: uh, sorry i guess?
not totally relevant but pitch johnkatrezi is really funny. can you imagine.
EB: i don't know why you guys are doing this to yourselves.
EB: all this time jackassery, it's giving me a headache.
now that is exactly what i have been saying!
CG: OK IF YOU TALK TO HER AGAIN WHEN SHE TRIES HATCHING MORE PLANS GIVE HER A MESSAGE INTO THE PAST FOR ME.
EB: ok.
now karkat...didnt you JUST say you would NEVER resort to relaying a message through john? i think you might need a good nights sleep! that month of no sleep really explains just about everything he does throughout this backwards convoluted trolling quest.
CG: TELL HER TO POLISH MY HEAVING BONE BULGE AND SET A TABLE FOR FUCKING TWO ON IT.
CG: ITS FOR OUR CANDLE LIGHT HATE DATE.
the idea of a candlelight hate date is so fucking funny. i think one of those candles just might get used as a weapon.
EB: oh, did you talk to jade yet?
CG: JADE, WHAT WHY WOULD I WANT TO TALK TO HER?
EB: ummm, that's what you said you wanted to do last time you talked to me, i dunno.
CG: OH DAMMIT.
CG: ARE YOU SURE?
oh shit, is the timeline extension busted? i think we already saw that conversation, is it not supposed to happen yet? if i figure out the proper chronology, ill come back and edit this or something! whatever.
EB: but next time you talk to me, you might want to tell me to calm down first so i don't just block you.
lets see how that goes...
CG: HEY JOHN.
CG: CALM THE HELL DOWN.
EB: aaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
EB: how did you find me?????
CG: FIND YOU?
CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN.
EB: i changed my chum handle to ditch you guys.
so i guess this is one of the first conversations (or THE first?) they have from johns point of view, since john changed his chumhandle when terezi was trolling him a while before the events of the story!
EB: ok, this time i'll believe you that you aren't human.
EB: because the skepticism center of my brain is starting to wear kind of thin i guess.
EB: but you're still a major asshole and i don't actually want to talk to you, so bye.
CG: WAIT.
CG: BUT I'M NOT HERE TO TROLL YOU THIS TIME.
CG: WE'RE FRIENDS OK?
EB: hahahahahaha!
EB: oh man, look at this outburst of little human words i'm saying!
EB: from my human mouth!
yknow its pretty funny how the dynamic has turned on its head. now karkat is insisting they are friends while john responds more angrily!
CG: IT'S REALLY WEIRD.
CG: THIS HUMAN EMOTION YOU CALL FRIENDSHIP.
EB: friendship isn't an emotion fucknuts.
karkat- lets be friends and beat this game together
john- ermmmmm no!
EB: i'm still not really sold on this friendship thing yet.
EB: but i've got to go now and get on with my petty little quests.
EB: so talk to you in the future i guess.
EB: jerkface.
shouldnt have sent him all that hatemail karkat! look where it got you now!