chuckielee

me blogging

[chuckiethefemale]

After a few years, I be back. Decided not to post such personal thoughts and post more pictures. I've evolved in the past 3 years. Still lonely and some health issues interrupting life at times but I want to post what I see and do and the interpretation is on you. Here is my coffee table...

[chuckiethefemale]

I haven't been able to write. My heart has been ripped out, thrown against the cold, hard wall and then stomped on. The initial pain was nothing I've experienced but at least I know experiencing THAT again can't happen again, because it's all done. But guess what? The pain doesn't go away. It just spreads out over time and comes and smacks you in the face at random moments. It's like concentrate so strong and potent before you add water but when you add water you can still taste it. Time is water. I need more water because its still super potent.

What am I'm babbling about? I found out where Daniel is. My love has left me indefinitely by taking his life. He took my heart with him. The pain is intolerable at times. I'll never love like that again and I didn't want to give it up. Our hands were forced. Now it's gone forever and I got no say in the matter.

I dont understand his suffering and will not even try and pretend I know. Only he could know. My love, I would have saved you if I could. The damage was already done and I forgive you because although I can't pretend to understand, I understand it was unbearable at times and you pushed threw the most you could, more than most others could and for that I'm proud of you. Thank you Lord for putting us in each other's path and giving me the time I had with him. I wouldn't change that for anything, nothing. Rest in peace Daniel. Until we meet again.

[chuckiethefemale]

[chuckiethefemale]

[chuckiethefemale]

Blog 8 or 9? I haven't been on here in a couple days I think. I actually like my job now and I feel like I'm doing a good job. It really sucks that I didn't get to do it until it was time for me to leave. Lol, at least I know I like the role in case the opportunity presents itself again.

One of my peers at work does relay for a life every year because her mother had cancer and survived. And she's really involved in like donating and doing drawings and things like that for the cause. I always complain about being bored and being lonely and today I said what the fuck, I should go too. And I just randomly enrolled in the relay for life race on Saturday. Maybe I'll start being a good person?

It's gonna be super hot outside I hope I raise some money and make it worth it. I really is a great cause and it would feel good to know that I helped. Am I turning into a good person????

I have been losing my memory left and right about little things and it's cause I'm a little overwhelmed right now with the move and work. I'm kind of sad about leaving Pennsylvania it's such beautiful country I love living out here. Nevada is the right choice though, if I ever wanna go back to the West I have to take this opportunity now. West Coast is the best coast.

I suddenly find myself really self conscious 2nd guessing my decisions and how i talk to people and wondering if people are annoyed by me. I shouldn't give a shit and at my age I shouldn't give a shit even more. For the past month I've been hyper sensitive, which is definitely not me. Who am I? Don't recognize myself. Maybe it's because of this sober thing.

[chuckiethefemale]

All dressed up with nowhere to go. Happy 4th all!

[roserosette]

Ophelia imagery in Fatal Frame (2014, Mari Asato)

[chuckiethefemale]

I had several version of this artwork in posters. The tone and feel of this gives me chills.

[chuckiethefemale]

Blog eight or nine I think. Smells like America outside. It's July 3rd Marietta's doing its fireworks right now and Sky's hiding under the bed miserable. There's a lot of fireworks going on. This neighborhood can't get enough of it. I was going to go to the grassy knoll behind the house to watch it but it is packed with people and I don't want to leave sky in the house by herself. So happy lonely 4th of July to me again.

It's really July 3rd anyhow but same scenario tomorrow but it'll be a work night.

In the midst of packing I found an old gift certificate for a massage in Camp Hill that Grant got for me many Christmases ago. Ever since I've had a back problems that have increased I've been afraid to go and especially since my spinal cord simulator was implanted. But it I made an appointment and went and I was late so I got 45 minutes of an hour appointment. Not only was I stuck behind an accident, I got lost so it's not like I'll be able to do it again later. I told my buddy El that I was going to be in his neck of the woods today and that we should have lunch and he said for shizzle my nizzle. This morning when I reminded him that I was coming out, he ignored my calls. And then I got him on Facebook and he said he didn't feel good. I think he has depression really bad. When his family members came out here to visit he didn't even visit with them he said he didn't feel good and I entertained them which is fine, I enjoyed it But I worry about him, a very very lot. I only lived with him for a decade I know how he hides his feelings. He won't tell anybody anything other than a joke.

Sky is so f****** scared of these fireworks it's ridiculous. She's hiding under the bed now & I gave her a trazodone even & didn't even phase her.

I went to my medicine shop today. I'm taking a break from my RSO and vaping for a while. It's nice. I feel like I have so much to say yet again nothing really to say I always have stuff in my mind but I don't want to transfer it to my blog. I feel like it makes me sound whiny and weak. But it's just really me venting because if I don't vent how can I be strong and push through it? I'm going to go have some ice cream now peace out!

[chuckiethefemale]

[chuckiethefemale]

Just got home from a long day of flying. Flying and airports are a drag.

Just a couple more weeks and this 11year East coast exploration is complete. Home is waiting for me and waiting to break the bank....

Oh well, take risks or you don't get the rewards.

Mom finally asked me how house/apt shopping went in a group text with my brothers. When I told her where I'm moving, she of course explained why that was a bad commute location. DUH! She ain't the one from Reno. Anyhow I told he it was that or me live in a storage unit. Then I turned off my phone. I'm sure since it wasn't a group texts everybody was amused because people think it's funny when me and my mom argue. I told her 50 times there's a waiting list for every property I looked at I had to take what I could get.

Sticker shock is real and I'm gonna have to really watch my finances to live there. But I do think it'll be worth it for For my mental health and quality of life. And I think Grant will go to school once we get there which is the most important thing to me in the world.

Going to the grocery store and gas stations with liquor in abundance was a little challenging. I'm just gonna have to pretend those aisles don't exist. When you live in adult Disneyland it's hard to say sober. But I already told my friends I'm a member of AA And I planned to stay that way. My drinking card has been revoked for good reason.

[chuckiethefemale]

I miss Sky

[chuckiethefemale]

I'm going to say this is blog 6 but I think I skipped one in between. We can call it blog 6 or 7 also.

I. Found. A. Place. Too. Live.

What a huge relief I was really was getting worried. I'm going to be paying double my rent that I'm paying now for one less bedroom but you know what ? The longer I stay here the more at ease. This last year especially I've been deeply depressed and I've been by myself all the time and I mean all the time. It's getting mighty mighty Depressing. That coupled with the fact that I couldn't go outside because the snow is out of control in PA and it's too humid to do anything in the summer. I was outside all day-today and it was almost a 100ﾟ i loved it. Reno's kind of hip now I'm digging it. They really made the area a very artsy and cultural

Other people have reached out to me to connect. I don't know if it'll happen or if people are just being nostalgic. But it's nice to know that I have people that i know and trust out here and that I really get along with. I'm not too hip about moving to South Reno, I wanted to be closer to work but there was nothing!

After I sealed the deal I drove around Virginia street. It's pretty damn cool I'm ready to explore.

Oh did I mention that my new place has an on site spa? Only the best for my girl.

One last thing protip I dressed very nice very out of the norm for me today dress and jewelry and curled hair. Of course I make a point. And the reason I do this is you want to be appealing to the people that will be renting to you and maybe have you skipped the line on a waiting list if they think you're a little bit more put together. Of course I make a point. And the reason I do this is you want to be appealing to the people that will be renting to you and maybe have you skipped the line on a waiting list if they think you're a little bit more put together.

[chuckiethefemale]

[chuckiethefemale]

Me at hotel pool.

On to blog 5. This one's done on the West Coast. I arrived in The NV yesterday looking at the terrain through the plane window I got depressed.

All signs of deep lush dense Pennsylvania beauty gone. Replaced by hills of dirt and brush and dirt and brush. Everybody thinks that's so beautiful. I never did. I never did. But in this area you can find it if you go to it. It's in the high mountains of Tahoe & in California. Not far from here. But as soon as I landed and got into my rental car all of that washed away. I felt home, I felt I was where I belonged. Sure there are some people I would like to avoid like in I'm not stupid they ravaged the country. However they're not in mass abundance at least from what I can see. And people don't really get in your business they leave you alone. I'll take that over people pretending to be nice but really thinking you're jackass behind your back on any day. I like that and you know what else I like? The picture I'm gonna post right here of me getting a stain on my pillow from my RSO

OK I'm to move you back to a negative Nellie stuff. So I'm finally digging Nevada enjoying my decision and then I start looking at properties or lack of, nothing's available. Nothing! I have to go on waiting lists and I don't know how long those lists will be. And the prices out here are so bad. Like scary man, It's all I'm gonna spend my money on. The bright side is I'm gonna save my money on some other recreational things. That will save me a lot of money.

Still haven't heard from Daniel since I told him I was moving to Nevada, no surprise. I'm not going to play this peek a boo, this is when I'll talk to you game. Distance between us can only help. At least that's what I think today. That comes and goes with him and changes frequently.

Here's some fun photos of Dayton and Carson City.

Oh yeah and just for shits a old picture of sky in her California girl shirt.

[chuckiethefemale]

Blog 4 on same day June 28th 2021. I meant to say this is blog 4. Flew out of Harrisburg and connected in Chicago. hot in the beginning hot in the end when I landed in right now . Flying over the Nevada terrain kind of upset me I'm leaving such glorious beauty green lush Forest. But as soon as I started driving around like recognizing things and seeing that so much has changed a calmness came over me almost like yep you're supposed to be here. And then when I landed I rented my car and went straight to the dispensary. Hey it was a long day I deserve to relax. Alcohol-free! I will be posting pictures of dirt and stage brush tomorrow. If I get lucky I might see a wild horse.

[chuckiethefemale]

Flying to get price gouged while home shopping in Carson City.

Stuck on the taxi way in O'Hara. Saw Amish people in the boarding terminal 8n Harrisburg. Are they allowed to fly?

I don't know why but I've always wanted a surprise party for me, totally unexpected and all about me. I always wish for that when exiting a plane. CHUCKEE is here gonna be a good day. That never happened though. Can't wait to check out the legal dispensary just for shots and giggles. That was blog 4, yo!

[chuckiethefemale]