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@chuelorsan
Dear Austin
It was so actually nice to hear back from you when I emailed you. I'm sorry I sounded like an ass hole. I was never upset or mad at you. I just wanted to let you know that I still get your notifications. I hope you're having fun with the games you got.
Dear Austin
I never realized how depressed I was until after our break up. It's been 3 years and I'm happy I'm no longer where I used to be. Now I'm looking back at my posts, it's kinda making me depressed and reminding me of how much hurt I was going through. I'm not mad or upset. I'm just reminiscing
Dear Austin,
You probably won't ever see this, ever, considering you have no reason to anymore, but here I am writing to you. I’m writing indirectly to you because this is all I’ve got. This is the only platform I have of ever trying to reach out to you. No, this is not some hopeless act of trying to win you over, nor is this some sappy letter. Rather, a letter of civil reform as a human, as a person, as two people who shared intimate memories together.
A few nights ago, I had a dream about you. We ran into each other and we spoke. This is where I knew it was a dream. However, you made the first approach and I was taken away by your action. You looked happy and healthy. You looked like bright and vibrant, radiating with positivity. If you are, I am glad to hear that. If you aren't, I can understand better now.
A few moments of general greetings, we went out to lunch. We caught up on the last two years we haven’t seen each other or spoken to each other about. And then finally, your eyes began to water. They watered to an eventual stream of tears to yell at me that I’ve caused you so much pain. I am already aware of that, but hearing it from you out loud made me feel all your pain, your hurt, your suffering.
I couldn’t say anything.
And then I woke up from my dream feeling sad for myself for what I have caused to another person. I cannot remember the last time you came into my dreams.
I knew I owed you a lot of explaining. I know that now because you deserve to know what was going through my head into why I did what I did. Perhaps there wasn’t a reason. But I believe there is a reason. I’m not defending myself, I hope you understand that. Instead, I owe you an explanation that I couldn’t give you 2 years ago. I was not ready nor did I understand myself enough to convey my actions properly.
There were more feelings and emotional turmoil that I was going through at the time that I couldn’t make it make sense to you. Perhaps it could make sense to you now, but that’s only if you’re ready to meet me for closure.
It’s been two years and I believe I have grown exponentially because of our past. I hope you’ve grown, too.
More fun Zodiac facts here
Fun zodiac facts here!
You were great in so many ways, but that part of our chapter is done.
Dear Austin,
I preserved these three words for you and only you, so listen carefully. The slightest utter of the unspoken lyrics that whisper in the night to our ears have lingered mindlessly. However, these past few months, it has been daring to call out for someone else's name for direction. It has been almost two years since my lips have tasted the sweetness of our kind words. These three words that I preserved for you and you only. These three words that bounds our emotional connection. These three words that are expired. These three words that I thought I could save for you and you only. These three words that have come pouring out of my mouth. These three words that do not sound so perfect anymore suddenly sound freeing to speak. It is almost liberating to have the ability to hear these three words escape my mouth again. These very three words, “I **** you” , sound much better, now that I have a clearer sense of direction. These three words that I thought belonged to you no longer belongs to you. These three words that I preserved for you have expired and so I renewed them, but not for you. These three words that I could not bare to hear for 2 years now sound like the calming sea. These three words now belong to me. I Love You - Loschue Lo
Dear Austin
In order to let go of you, I must let go of everything evil I know of you. But that also means I must let go of everything beautifully good about you, too.
I’m excited for what my future has to offer me!
Find yourself first, like yourself first, love yourself first, and friendship, companionship, and love will naturally find you.
Mandy Hale (via purplebuddhaquotes)
Dear Austin
For so long I’ve felt lost along my journey. My journey has been so lonely without you, or without anyone to walk with, to be honest. Though I have been traveling this lonesome road for quite some time, I have learned to be more patient with myself as I realise that perhaps I was never as patient as I thought I was when we were together. I’m starting to discover more of who I thought I was versus who I really am, to which I do not believe I really knew my identity the duration of our relationship. I was simply acting and reacting with the people I have surrounded myself in.
Now that I have gained a better understanding of who I am, I understand so many things in ways that the old me never could have. Sometimes, I think I understand things a little too well for my own good that it makes me feel even more lonely. But I suppose I would rather understand something and become aware of the issue than not being aware at all. I believe that is where I began to fall apart: I was always acting and reacting. I never really had my own opinion about anything. I was never really aware of myself, my thoughts, my mind, my body, or my surrounding. I was ignorant to the world and what it had to offer me, I was ignorant to myself that I couldn't see what I had to offer to myself.
And when I look back to the last year of our relationship leading up to where I am now, I don’t feel so alone anymore because I am now building a relationship with myself. I have decided that I’m no longer actively seeking a relationship with anyone else. I must first build a relationship with myself to heal my heart and discover who I ought to be, and only then, if the universe is in my favour, I’ll meet someone some day. For now, I am okay travling alone.
I’ve learned
Sincerely,
Chue
PS- I hope you’re healing, too.
It sucks when you can't get "Who" or "What" you want...
Yet!!
YET
YET!
Y E T ! !
YET!!!!!
YET!!
Y
E
T
T
T
!
!
!
Yet!
🗣YET
🗣🗣YETT
🗣🗣🗣YETTT
🗣🗣🗣🗣YETTTT
🗣🗣🗣🗣🗣YETTTTT
And suddenly I feel overwhelmingly blessed by the yet!
can i join? YETTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
Y
EEEEEEEEEEEE
TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT’a!!!!!!!!!!!
I needed to see this! Yes lawdddd I shall rejoice in YET!!
You can change yourself and you can change the situation but you absolutely cannot change other people. Only they can do that.
Joanna Trollope
(via
purplebuddhaquotes
)
Dear Austin, I tried changing you so often that I forgot I was the one who needed to change. When I realized it was me, I knew I needed to change the situation we were both stuck in. Hopefully I’ll see you again when we’re both better people.
Dear Austin
Everytime I come to town to visit, I can never help but feel uneasy. My stomach begins in collapse on itself. Sometimes, my stomach feels like a balloon in water, trying to float while being held down. Have you ever felt that before? My stomach starts to shiver and I can never tell if it is half empty or half full anymore. I no longer hunger for anything once I arrive because the thought of running into you is fulfilling enough.
I have spent days in this decrepit town, and I have succumb that my stomach is not necessarily craving you. Rather, my stomach has grown ill to the menu of what once was known of my friends and family. Simply put, the old memories I have left behind in this town.
It is fascinating to see that after my year long absence from this town that everyone is still impossibly the same. My brother is still the cheap asshole, my sister is still socially awkward with the idea that she doesn't need friends yet complains that no one talks to her, my friend, Clare, is still petty since our fallout and she assumes I went to her mother's house to talk shit about her. For the record, I went to her mother's house to catch up with life until her mother was the one who asked about the fallout between Clare and I, and I only simply gave her mother my side of the story. Never once was the discussion in my intention to slander Clare’s name in front of her own mother. Clare must be foolish to think I am so dumb to do such a thing. My best friend, Chue, still only thinks about the benefit of himself and the rest of my family continually drink every other day.
Anyway, the few visits I have made here in Oshkosh hasn't been all that great. And I see now that it is true that perhaps this town really is a void where nothing really changes. No one really changes once they are comfortable I suppose.
I drive along these roads at night like a lab rat only seeking freedom only seeing fragments of who I used to be. Honestly, it disgusts me to see who I used to be. I cringe to the fact of who I was over a year ago that this was my life. My life of wasting away my potential by drowning myself in alcohol and drugs and petty high school drama and the false idea of love.
It saddens me to see how I used to live...
But it is cheering to reflect on who I was in order to continue to grow. I am becoming closer to being whole and I hope you are, too.
Sincerely, Chue
dont we all?
Dear Austin,
I was reading online this evening about the inclusion of the black and brown stripe for the pride flag. I am aware that this issue has been all over the gay community for quite some time now. But I still could not believe how much hate spewed from this article. Most of the negative comments were from offended white men. Some of them were just ignorant men missing the entire point. But I guess that’s why I’m writing to you because you were once dating a POC. I wonder what you’re thinking of about this issue of inclusion of the POC now that you finally fit right where you belong.
I remember when we were together, you always told me how uncomfortable you were being around us. ‘Us’ as in, people of colour. People who were not blessed with your pale-illed skin. I remember one very specific thing you said that really offended me, to which I will not repeat. I could not believe I heard those words come out of your mouth 4 years into our relationship. You still have not apologized...But now that you’re with a person who you blend in with, so I assume you both are still together, I wonder if your life has now become ‘easier’. I wonder if your life isn’t so tough to adjust to. I wonder if you’re finally happy that “loving” is easy because he happens to be white and understand white culture and share white culture with you. I wonder if your parents are more accepting of his privileges than they were of mine.
I wonder how better off you are, now that you dont ever have to worry about adjusting, or changing your life to suit mine just because I’m a POC and it was too hard for you.
Granted, I was a fool for believing that perhaps I wasn’t good enough. I was a fool for believing that maybe I am dumb, or unlucky, or unworthy to walk along your side as your partner who happens to identify as a POC. You made me feel so good about myself that I failed to see the truth. The truth that no matter how much you loved me, you couldn’t protect me from yourself.
I’m not gonna lie, I would have ate it all up, too, if I hadn’t learned to defend myself. I would have been gluttonous to ignorance spewed upon the progressive movement of the inclusion of the POC. Now that I’ve had to fend for myself, I know better than to believe that I wasn’t good enough, solely based on the colour of my skin.
So, I wonder, my dearest Austin, What are your thoughts on all of this?
-Chue
PS- Happy Pride
Dear Austin,
It has been about a week, and every night this past week, you’ve come into my dreams. You don’t really say anything. You only smile at me with that broken smile you gave me the last time I saw you, which was during our sushi lunch “date”. We never really say much in my dreams, but we laugh like we used to when we were happy. It isn’t the same anymore. I always cry in my dreams because of this. Sometimes, I cry so much I actually wake up, terrified of what I have done. I’m terrified of living in my own nightmare and my only escape is when I sleep, when you come and see me. Or is it the other way around?
Most times, the dreams all resemble a fraction of us, a fraction of our good times. There were no longer bad times. But I always end up telling you everything. I end up telling you the truth, because this time, I finally have the courage and strength to be honest with you. I know that it is expected of me to say “I’m sorry I hurt you.” but not in my dreams. I tell you everything, every detail, every reasoning, how I felt and why you became the monster in my story. But all you do is lay beside me and stare into space.
It isn’t you, is it?
Although my dreams can create this image of you, it cannot replicate how devastated you must be. My dreams cannot create your dialogue and thought to say what is really on your mind, to say what you would really say to my face.
“I hate you” probably. “You’ve ruined my life” more likely. “I hope you see my face and regret everything that you did” I’m already there.
I can only imagine the words you would say, or not say anything at all as I am sure you would decide I am no longer worth your kind words. But why must you visit me in my dreams and say nothing? Perhaps my dreams are my conscious’ way of telling you the truth, now that I have the right words to spit out. But what does it matter anymore?
I tell you I still love you, but not in that way anymore. I’ve grown and so have you, I would hope. After all, it has been over a year now.
I hope you’ve grown to understand everything a little more, though it is not an excuse for my actions. I know I have learned a lot through this heartbreak.
-Chue
