um i’m so sorry i know i completely ditched this blog with no warning....... months ago i got so overwhelmed and stressed at having to log in and out of tons of different blogs and felt like they all had to be regularly updated that i just gave up and moved to one blog here.
i wouldn’t want to keep blogging chaos walking when i haven’t read it in so long, but my gcses are over soon and if i decide to reread the books i’ll probably come back to this blog
sorry that i just...... ditched. i didn’t have a massive mental health crisis i just thought it’d stop me having one if i got rid of stress on tumblr. anxiety mainly has kept me away from logging back into all my old blogs but i went for it today to look at my old urls and stuff and figured this blog of all of them deserved some kind of message because i talked to people a lot and was really involved
anyway this isn’t a ‘i’m never coming back and i’m deleting this blog’ post it’s just letting you know where i am and that i’ll probably be back, just not for a while.
1. Mess Is Mine Vance JoyHold on darlin’, this body is yours, this body is yours and mine.
2. Welcome Home Radical Face Peel the scars from off my back, I don’t need them any more.
3. Evangelists Gang of Youths I don’t know if time is against us but there are so many things that I want to begin.
4.Ready, Aim, Fire Imagine DragonsOff in the distance there is resistance, bubbling up and festering.
5. Suego Faults Wolf GangTwo can play the games you play, where will you go running when the grounds leave?
6. Dancing on the Edge of Our Graves Born RuffiansThe tide is heavy underfoot, we’re walking heavy.
7. Long, Long Way From Home ForeignerIt was my destiny, it’s what we needed to do. They were telling me, I’m telling you.
8. One Our Way The Royal ConceptWe are young, we are one, let us shine for what it’s worth.
9. Winter Song Sara Barielles and Ingrid Michaelson I believe in Summer Days, the seasons always change and love will find a way.
10. Forest Twenty One PilotsI don’t want to be heard, I want to be listened to.
11. Safe and SoundTaylor Swift ft. Civil WarsI remember when you said, don’t leave me here alone, but all that’s dead and gone has passed tonight.
12. I Found (Acoustic) Amber RunI’ve moved further than I thought I could, but I miss you more than I thought I would.
13. Broken Crown Mumford and SonsCrawl on my belly til the sun goes down, I’ll never wear your broken crown.
Cillian had never like the word ‘licking’ to describe the motion of flames before. This was mainly because the only real flames he’d seen, aside from the candles he’d lit when he and Ben first arrived at New World with only the bare minimum of technology ready to go, had been those from outside the window of the settler ship that he’d finally been able to peek out of on the ascension into New World (it only took thirteen years). And those flames had been powerful and immense, nothing like the licking movement that seemed to fill the literature he immersed himself in over the years.
But it was undeniable now, with orange and red and purple staining every corner of his vision, that flames did indeed lick. They licked across the floor of his home, creeping up the walls and across the ceiling panels. Everything he and Ben and Todd had built together in this house over the years was licked away by the flames in seconds.
They licked across the body of one of Davy bloody Prentiss’ men who apparently hadn’t gotten the message to leave the house when the others had, and as the flames began to burst out of the wood and take away the furniture he’d spent many rainy afternoons fashioning back in the beginning, the man’s eyes widened with the realisation that hit him.
And it was cruel, it was morbid, but Cillian had burns down his back and face and arms and a bleeding bullet wound in his thigh so goddammit he could take some pleasure from seeing one of the rats of the town army falling screaming into the collapsed wooden floorboards.
It was selfish to be upset that these would be his last few moments, fighting off the pain and breathing in the harsh smoke fumes as he watched picture frames on the wall dissolve into more embers and sparks and flames. Todd was safe, Todd had the book. Ben had at least got away a little, and even if he didn’t make it from the army with their horses, at least he didn’t have to die like this. He shouldn’t be upset. His life, in the grand scheme of things, was worth nothing. Todd? Todd was important, he could change things. And Ben would be there to support him all the way.
But Cillian remembered back on the settler ship. He remembered Ben’s arms around him as the metal scraped and the engines roared. They were both young, too young and had filled their minds with hope for a beautiful new world without trouble or pollution or extinction. And god, even now with the flames and the bleeding bullet wound, Cillian still wanted that dream to come true. For it to be him and Ben, together in a peaceful world. Hell, he loved Todd too and would happily let the young boy into his teenage dream.
But that wasn’t how it was supposed to be. He was Cillian Boyd, Martyr. He was not Cillian Boyd, Father. Nor was he Cillian Boyd, Husband. This was it, here in the remains of their home that they built together and raised a child in.
Please let this be worth it. Please let them live.
fluff! kind of au where cillian just hated flying so much and didn't want to leave earth at all om g
(this is not my best writing i wrote it so quickly but i love the plot so i am very happy)
"And yer one hundred percent sure, no doubts, that this thing is definitely safe?"
Ben, for possibly only the second time in his life, had run out of patience. And for someone who seemed to have cupboards full of the stuff, that was really saying something. But god dammit couldn't Cillian just get over himself for one minute?
That really wasn't fair, Ben knew, but this was ridiculous. They were on the ship. They'd been shown their new bedroom. There were decks packed with shops and food courts, and laboratories for constant study of the new world they were heading towards. It was technological advancement at its finest, and yet Cillian still doubted that the giant spaceship was going to hold them in the air long enough for him to start screaming. Ben had some fears, ranging from cats to spiders to death, but none were as abstract and still extremely specific as Cillian's falling from heights when I can see the ground and being stuck in vehicles that could kill me with no escape option. Lucky for Ben, the new settler ships combined both the incredibly slim chance of falling from a height when ground was still visible, with being confined within a vehicle that could cause death.
"I'm positive, Cillian. Let's go to our room so you don't have to look outside." Ben took Cillian's hand before the other could decide to make a break for the emergency exits (only to be used in cases of complete total destruction) and led him towards the living quarters.
Ben would usually find seeing Cillian reduced to whimpering and overly-reliant as a good thing (considering his usual default mode was to snap at the wind and argue with every blade of grass that got in his way) but this was beyond what he'd gotten himself in for when he agreed to be with Cillian some eight years previous. Relationships needed to come with a warning displaying all of that person's phobias.
With a huff, Ben elbowed open the door to their new home. It was small and compact, more of a ferry or cruise ship sized bedroom than a spaceship room (not that he was annoyed or anything... he just had high expectations) but it had everything they needed: beds, bathroom, and complimentary mini fridge.
Ben dropped Cillian off at one of the beds and continued on to the fridge, pulling out two drinks and turning to go back. On second thoughts... He took another two bottles out (just in case) then fell down beside Cillian on the bed. The other man had sprawled himself face first into the covers, taking up most of the space on the single bed. Ben offered a small consoling back pat before turning to his drink.
"This is shit," Cillian muttered into the blankets.
"We ain't even left the ground yet, Cillian," Ben replied despairingly.
"Just cuz yer so excited about this whole space thing, it doesn't mean I've gotta be. I can hate every second of this goddamn flight and the planet it takes us if I want."
Ben sipped his drink again, praising his own patience and composure for never letting him down.
"If yer this bad now, how am I supposed to cope when we're in the air?" Ben asked finally, his eyes narrowed towards Cillian's back. When he didn't get a response, he continued. "Maybe I should just leave you in here. I could go down to the pool. Maybe shop with the Hewitts. I could have some fun down there I reckon."
Victory.
Cillian's head came up slowly and he rolled himself slightly to look Ben in the eyes.
"Yer being serious? You'd leave me in here?"
Ben returned an emotionless stare. "Absolutely."
Within three seconds Cillian managed to get himself upright and sitting on the bed, one hand grabbing onto Ben's, the other gripping Ben's sleeve.
"But I wanna go swimming with you. And I wanna shop with the Hewitts with you."
Ben was having a hard time keeping the big grin off his face over how touchy Cillian had suddenly become.
"So what are you gonna do about that?" Ben asked Cillian, who seemed to be holding on tighter the longer the silence lasted.
"I-" Cillian looked unsure. Ben could almost see the cogs moving in his brain as he went through each dilemma. I'm afraid of the ship cuz I don't trust it. I ain't going to be able to do anything when it's flying if I'm scared. I want to be doing things with Ben though. "I don't know."
Ben broke before he'd even come up with a solution for Cillian. It was Cillian's fault though, with the bottom lip being worried between teeth, and the eyebrows drawn together, and the eyes looking down at the bedsheets, and-
He pulled Cillian forwards into a hug. It wasn't their best, as hugs go, but it was warm and comforting and something they'd both needed with so much time spent focusing on planning their new lives instead of loving each other. And god Cillian could be annoying as hell sometimes and took so much effort to care for and love but it was really worth it. Really, really worth it.
"Hey, hey, what's the matter? What's this all about?" Cillian questioned. His voice was again muffled, but this time it was by Ben's shoulder that he'd been pressed into by the tight hug.
"You're so effing annoying," was the only reply he received.
When a loud chime rang out through the cabin some time later, Cillian was roused from his sleep and Ben was forced to finally pull away from the other man. They'd ended up giving up on the effort it took to keep the hug upright, and instead collapsed onto the bed where Cillian had immediately fallen asleep (complaining and moaning is apparently an effective method of draining energy). But god no this meant something important, and Ben felt Cillian's body tense beside him as he woke to the noise.
The small tv screen on the wall across from the bed came to life for the first time since they'd boarded the ship, and the captain's face filled the screen. Ben knew that Cillian found her too smiley and too optimistic about the whole flight, so he quickly wrapped his arm around the other - barely conscious - man.
"We will be lifting off in approximately one hour. I know most of you are ready to go and can't wait to see space like never before, but hold your horses! We've still got two more engines to fire up before we can get going! Of course, not everyone is as excited as us about the flight, in fact, some people are terrified!-" The woman burst into high pitched laughter. Cillian made a noise beside Ben that was definitely a growl. "But anyway, these people need some care too. So for all you anxious fliers, here's our short documentary on how to face your fear of flying, and head into the unknown!"
The face disappeared, being taken over by a screen full of stars. As Ben and Cillian watched hesitantly, the title of the documentary filled the screen, looking more like one of those artefact movies that would be played in social history classes back on Earth.
Space for the Unadventurous
The spooky music that then filled the room, definitely from one of the artefact alien movies, was enough to break Cillian and Ben from their spell of wondering how the hell they managed to broadcast this at the exact perfect time and left them doubled over laughing on the bed, even long after the title screen had moved away and the narrator had begun to make a bullet pointed list of reasons one would be wary of space travel.
"You think they have cameras in our room then?" Cillian asked through his laughter.
"I dunno," Ben responded. He wiped his eyes and breathed out heavily. "But we should probably be careful tonight if they do." This sparked off another fit of laughter that just kept on going. It reached the point where neither was quite sure what was so funny anymore, but they were on a spaceship and they were together and whatever happened after this couldn't change that.
In the end, Cillian only saw a total of five minutes of the documentary on Space for the Unadventurous, but decided it didn't matter. When the sound of the engines roaring beneath them began to overpower their voices, he only felt a slight sliver of fear.
Ben really was his therapy in this sort of situation when all his rationality went out the window, and there was nothing like the promise of a future life where the two of them could live together in a big house with a spacious garden into old age. Not even the rumble of engines and shrieking vibrations of metal as they began to ascend could overcome the hope that the couple clung on to.
tiolee headcanon thing because i love tiolee with the three of them loving each other equally yay!
it all began when viola admitted that she didnt want to have to choose between the two of them because they were both important to her and the three of them had gone through so much together so todd and lee agreed. but they both had massive ulterior motives like they both just wanted to win over viola and convince her that they were the best boyfriend and she should leave the other because “he doesn’t buy you this many scented candles viola look this one is ‘pumpkin spice passion’ lee would never buy you pumpkin spice passion.”
so viola has already worked it all out but lets the two of them go at it for a while and she starts accumulating more and more flowers and body wash and candles but it’s okay because when has she ever smelt this good before??? definitely not during the war so she decides to go with it for a little while longer.
so in the end her cupboards are literally bursting with gifts and she finally gives up. she’s had this plan since she first proposed their relationship (they’re boys. she could easily predict how they would act) and she knew from the very start that she wanted more than just ‘sometimes todd and sometimes lee.’ she wanted the three of them because that’s how they made it through the war, and that’s how they should stay. but the three of them wouldn’t work without todd and lee getting over themselves and really being part of this three way relationship.
so she gets really sneaky and starts leaving some of her old gifts in the boys’ rooms with forged notes. lee starts thinking that todd is giving his weekly viola gift to lee instead, as the scruffy handwriting on the note definitely seems to say “to lee, from todd” (even through the smudges). and todd thinks lee has started sending gifts to him too, as the neater handwriting is clearly marked out.
neither of them know what to do they’re both too embarrassed to confront the other and this is brilliant for viola because she knows that lee and todd spend too much time thinking, and when they think too hard they eventually become irrational, and when they get irrational-
"lee you can stop sending me gifts now. i accept. i’ll be viola’s and - and - and yours. but i think we should talk about this with viola first."
and lee is completely baffled and has no idea what todd is talking about with the gifts but still he just took the words right out of his mouth. viola of course is watching the whole thing and before the two can even move she appears grinning and wraps her arms round todd and lee. she pulls them in for a hug, tells them “you two are so cute and oblivious i love it,” then pulls them inside of the house still smiling.
"todd, get the blankets. lee, get the popcorn. i’ve been waiting four months for this new relationship film night. i want this to be perfect."
Todd: *poses like Rose from Titanic except with a flat cap over his rude bits on a turn table that is slowly spinning in a circle* what are you thinking about?
Viola: like right now?
Todd: Yeah
Viola: The indefinable tragedy of the ongoing plight of human existence.
Todd: Again?
i've been on holiday for over a week but!!! i'm back and i'm really excited for fluff or feels and i'm actually kind of half prepared this year. feel free to send me messages!
Viola Eade of the Chaos Walking series, commissioned by my friend hyenadon. I’d read the series prior to this, and so it was great to get to work with this character! Also a big thanks to fablekeeper for generously helping me with ref taking, which made this about 500% more awesome.
