awkwardly lonely degenerate

I'm Daniel. I'm From Melbourne. I'm 21 I think it's important to try very hard to be a good person, and that's what I value in myself and others. I just try to have fun he/him

[cipler]

letter 2

Friend #2

So i have this friend who i was once like literally obsessed with. I met her this year because she had started studying architecture at the same time as me and once I got to know her she was just flat out my favourite person. For the week after we met we basically spent all waking hours together either eating, studying or just hanging out. then I fked up. I told her i likkkkkeeed her.

She had just moved from Canberra to Melbourne to study so she was still getting used to Melbourne as well as getting used to this new course (she studied architecture in Canberra for a year, but she said the Melbourne course was heaps different). She had also told me prior that she had been in a casual (non-commital fling kinda thing) with someone in Canberra and had just officially ended it after moving to Melbourne (first sign that I definitely shouldn't have jumped the gun on trying to label us after a week).

Anyway long story short blah blah blah she said she needed space and i was way too attached and got rly emo and annoying and then we didnt talk for a while but now we're homies again and i think its chill. So anyway last night i bumped into her at uni and ended up hanging out with her for a few hours. We talked about some interesting things that kinda gave me a bit of insight into myself (and maybe her, but u dont care about her, you're supposed to care about ME! me me me).

We were kind of discussing what makes us happy and what we wanted to achieve in the short and long term. It made me realise that I'm very extroverted. I love being around people. Or maybe not people in general so much as more just I love doing things. I remember during the holidays this semested I got so emo because none of my friends wanted to hang out on a sunny sunday afternoon. I mean it was like literally the best day to hang out with friends EVER and i was stuck in my room doing literally nothing. I dont ever get that feeling when im at uni. During semester if I have nothing to do, I just go to uni. When I'm at uni I always have something to do. Homework to complete, research to do, models to make etc etc and then there's heaps of likeminded people around me who all seem to like me as much as I like them (i fkn hate liking people more than they like me. that sucks)

the end

PS I'm really bad at understanding poems but it ~felt~ great! also thats so fkn cool that u went to a sustainability conference. I think i would love that kind of thing.

[cipler]

this sounds so lame but i fkn love my parents. theyre literally the only people who invite me over consistently and seem like they genuinely enjoy my company. I never knew why people said keep ur family close until i moved out

[cipler]

So I’m gonna try being pen pals with a friend i met in tasmania. this is my first letter to her

MAGGIE/Y I have this friend. He makes me and everyone I know happier when he's around, so maybe now he can spread his sunshine through this letter into you.

There was this one time in highschool I was talking to my friend Lilli about this guy that we had just met. IDK if anything has ever influenced my sense of self worth more than her offhand statement. I said that I really liked him because he was so nice, she said she really liked him, but all he was was nice. It sounds benign but it ate away at me. The sense that just being a nice person isn't enough. To be a good friend you have to offer more, anything more, just something more. And the hardest part of it is being nice is easy, and good, but so easy. Having something more though? that's fucking hard. My friend has something more.

First of all he's SO nice. He will drive friends to work on sunday purely because he's not doing anything and it cuts their travel time in half if they have a lift. He works full time so when we go drinking, he'll offer to buy drinks for our friends without jobs so that they come with us. He tells us what he likes about us all the time with no prompt what so ever and in like... a non cringe way you know? But that's not really why I love him so much. I love him because he plays video games with me. I used to play this one game for essentially all of my spare time, and he happened to also play that game. We would talk on skype as we play for hours and hours on end every day, and playing games with a friend is a lot more fun than playing games alone. I love him because he stopped saying 'gay' in a negative context when we asked him to without understanding why. Don't get me wrong, he understands why now, but more so, he knows how to acknowledge when something is making someone uncomfortable and just stop doing it. This quality is compounded by his desire to understand and improve himself so he isn't the cause of anyones discomfort. I love him because his friends were assholes before he met us. They were mean to him, they were mean to eachother and they were mean to everyone else too. But now he's one of my closest friends. And i think that might be because he loves us too.

Maybe this is a bit sappy and lame but I've been meaning to express my love for him in some way for a while now, and I guess this is a good excuse haha

This is a song that me and him love a lot although I'm not entirely sure if we ironically like it or genuinely like it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0XFudmaObLI

Looking forward to your response. =)

[cipler]

I’m at a very strange point in my life. I used to think being happy and being surrounded with people I love and care about was the most important thing that I could have. Now I have a good job, im doing the course at uni ive always wanted to do to a reasonable degree of success and i’ve moved out of home and am living independantly. yet i feel like i see my friends less than ever, I have fewer close friends than ever and i feel alone. even all the new people i’ve met at uni that I really like, they’re just not like me. They don’t want to get a drink after uni. They don’t want to smoke a joint and relax. They want to go to uni ball. Complaining is unfair

[cipler]

also i think kiki is purposely treating me badly to alienate me.  It doesn’t worry me so much any more but it still makes me a bit unhappy

[cipler]

Who would’ve thought when i stopped playing video games, stopped seeing my friends anywhere near as much and started living in a constant state of stress that I would be so happy...

[cipler]

what's a cipler?

It’s when you eat breakfast in an unexpected location

[cipler]

My parents went away for the weekend so i went and house sat for them. That was the first time ive ever woken up in that house and it hasnt felt like home. I miss it.

I had my clothes in my backpack, a travel toiletry bag and i slept in my parents bed. Ive never wanted to move back with my parents so badly. Its like, they still exist and they still love me and i still love them… but i dont see them. The only people ive ever known that ive felt like they love me as much as i love them, and i left them.

Moving out is fucking hard

[cipler]

when the girl you’re head over heels for doesnt speak to you anymore, but you’re happy with the homework you’re doing, getting to know heaps more friends in the course and you slept with a mega babe 3rd yr student... I think complaining would be unfair

[cipler]

On friday when i was waiting for the tram to work i legit broke down. Couldnt stop crying and missed 2 trams and was late for work. I stayed at work after we finished that day and drank with a few people which was really nice and left at 11, then went to a friends 22nd which was also really nice then went home. Woke up the next day 4 hours after going to sleep and started studying again. Im still stressed but i feel sooooo much better. I think the work load of uni and the not seeing friends for ages really got to me and i went temporarily insane. That was the first time ive cried in 4 years.

[cipler]

“we’ll talk in a couple of days” turned into a week, and now she wont respond to me. I gave my final presentation this morning. im drinking

[dezeen]

Musée Unterlinden by Herzog & de Meuron features a monumental cast-concrete staircase »

[cipler]

Nothing has made me want to have kids more than this video

[dezeen]

[cipler]

how do ppl become good friends with ppl?????? i feel like im like forever an acquaintance with like everyone. even my closer friends.

[nexttoparchitects]

#nextarch by @s_p_why #next_top_architects ( not quite straight )

[cipler]

Lol it’s not by s_p_why or next top architects. This is the Orbis building designed by ARM Architecture lol

[cipler]

i feel defeated @ uni Design is hard