So as I was walking to class today, I saw a girl I used to be friends with. Honestly, when I first met her, I truly believed we would have been friends for a long while.
I met this group of girls at a introductory ceremony at the beginning of my freshman year, and from there, we were golden. We made group chats, went to pilates classes, games, hung out all around campus. Needless to say, I had so much fun with those girls. This one in particular, we'll call her, Kelsey. I felt like Kelsey truly got me. We shared the same ideas, the same humor, it really felt like I made a new best friend.
During the late winter of the year, Kelsey and her friend kept inviting me out, but I constantly flaked for various "reasons".
"I'm tired" "I have alot of homework" "I started my period"
Any possible excuse I could make up. Not because I didn't want to see them, I just wasn't a fan of going out late at night in the cold. I just didn't to seem lame, I guess. I don't know. I realize I missed out on so much because it was cold or raining or blah blah blah. Now I've stopped caring as much, but that used to be a defining factor of whether or not I'd leave my house or not.
Finally springtime rolled around, and I had run out of excuses. I ate so much and drank so much water to prep for the night we were about to have. And I don't remember the exact measures of what I consumed that evening, but it was far far far too much. I was an absolute mess.
I got sick and totally blew up that night. Thankfully, those girls took care of me and got me back safely. I left my keys across campus and one half of the group went to get them while Kelsey waited with me outside of the campus store, where I sat in literal agony. First I needed water, then I had to use the bathroom, then i needed to run around. I was all over the place. I remember sitting in a pit and cursing myself for my irresponsibility, then I looked over at Kelsey. She looked so hurt and betrayed. I asked what was wrong, but she wouldn't tell me.
The next day, I apologized to everyone via text message. Kelsey's response was very short, and out of character. She asked me to wash and return her shirt as I wore it the night before. I asked if we were okay, and I just will never forget her message:
"It's the words that were spoken to me that hurt the most"
I remembered everything else about that night, but why couldn't I remember the most important incident? I asked her what I said but, still, she wouldn't tell me.
I reached back out some weeks later to ask her when she wanted to get her shirt, but I got no response.
I tell this story because I regret everything that I did, even if I don't remember it all. I wish I could at least try to explain or defend or rationalize, but sometimes there is no defending yourself. Sometimes you really just, for lack of better phrase, "fuck up". It still really eats me up to this day. I wish I could talk to her sometimes, maybe see how she's doing? But I'm also just truly ashamed of how all of that went down, and completely removed all points of her contact from my phone. And she removed me from her life. Which really sucks, but it was definitely necessary and valid.
She seems like she's doing well though. She joined a sorority, got a boyfriend, dyed her hair. She looks great too.
I tell this story because the things we do say alot about who we are, in the right state of mind or not, you will be seen for who you truly are. Whether you like it or not. I've tried my hardest not to dwell on this, but I cannot stand the fact that I was capable of hurting Kelsey to the point where she completely cut me out of her life.
Regrets are just things we should've done better. So instead of wishing you would have done better, just do better. I'm doing better now, I think. Nothing like that has happened since.
She's such a nice girl. I'm ashamed that I hurt her.
