Even without going into the gory details, recounting all of It was every bit as difficult as she’d predicted it would be. Seeing the different emotions playing out on his face, made it all the harder still, so many times as she spoke she had to return her gaze to the glass she gripped so tightly in front of her, visibly trembling and holding back tears by the time she moved on to speaking go how she broke things between them and chose to go. When she was finished she finally looked up at him, anxious over his first response to it all. He was the one person who had complete power over her, he could shatter her heart into a million pieces, and cause her more pain than Omer had ever managed to, simply with his words.
However, that was the price that so many people were willing to pay for love. Perhaps this would simply allow her to further test just how much she was capable of handling. The pay off she knew would be worth it for how much she ached for Theo and Lilah. She would never stop loving him, but she also knew that she had to face the possibility that there was no returning back to the bliss they once shared. When he spoke, she let a small breath her eyes closing momentary as she struggled with a response, struggling to find the words to make him understand how things had unfolded the way they did, the fear she could not speak to, she had no words to describe how completely and utterly gripping it had been she wouldn’t even venture trying.
“No CJ. What I’m telling you is that girl was no one, she was nothing more than an object. Meant to be seen and not heard, a pretty face and a warm body. When I ran away from home I chose to become the person I was meant to be, this name means more to me than my old one ever did, the things that I had to hide were to ensure my survival and nothing more. Should I have fucking told you the whole truth about my past? Yes. I’ll never deny that I was wrong not to. But you have to understand that I was scared, and alone. Then I found you, someone I began to care about like I’d never cared about anyone else before, I made friends here, I found a family here, all of which I’d never had before. And I was young and terrified of being alone again. It felt like if I acknowledged the past you would see me as that girl that I wasn’t!
For years it was like I was holding my breath waiting for the other shoe to drop, terrified each and every day that I’d lose everything, it was easier to simply forget. Because every time I would think about telling you the truth the fear of rejection, and disdain, of losing everything would come back. And the longer I kept the secret the harder it became to speak it. Yes, I was wrong to hide those things from you, but everything else everything from the moment we started our lives together was all me, I never once pretended. Knowing the name my father gave me, or the reality of the life I ran away from would not have changed who I was with you!”
Sana already knew he’d say that, of course he would and of course he’d have wanted to protect her without thinking for a second where that would all have lead. “You don’t think I know that? Do you honestly believe I didn’t think you’d have the willingness, or the guts to try to protect me? You would’ve done everything, and it wouldn’t have just been you the whole MC, Cain, Adriana, everyone we cared about would’ve gotten pulled into that nightmare. And you and I both know there was no way someone’s blood wouldn’t have spilled. And that I couldn’t stand the thought of. He was there for me, and I wasn’t selfish or cowardly enough to stand back and let all of you protect me. What would you have done if the roles were reversed? Allow the storm to pass through everyone, or just whether it yourself? I know I hurt you, and that you’ll probably always hate me for the lies and the decisions I made, but for me that was better than even the smallest possibility of something happening to you.”
as awful as it sounded, cj wanted nothing more than to just be angry at her — to hold onto that resentment he’d built up over the years, even if it was just for one more day. in his mind it made everything easier, but realistically it wouldn’t help the situation & the more she spoke about what had happened, the harder it was for him to feel anything but sadness for her. “ i wouldn’t have seen you any differently & i know deep down that you know that. ” he told her plainly, shaking his head for a second. “ look, i get it. everyone has baggage, big or small & you didn’t wanna tell me because even the thought of it was too much. i understand that, i really do. but i loved you & nothin’ you coulda told me woulda made me see you any differently. ” he sighed, though really it was a little late for that sentiment now.
she was right — of course she was right. there was no denying that every second of the fourteen years they spent together were real, but he almost couldn’t help but wonder if there was any part of it that wasn’t. as if that would somehow make this a little easier. he gave a small nod, his way of telling her okay, i believe you, before sitting himself down next to her.
again, she was right. there was no way in hell he’d risk everyone around him if he could simply give himself up to whatever the danger was. as much as he hated to admit it, he respected the fact that she’d taken that move to protect everyone else, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. “ i don’t hate you, sana. ” he shook his head, though god did he want to. “ i’m just — yeah, i’m hurt. you could’ve left me a goddamn cryptic sticky note or somethin’, anythin’ that didn’t make me feel like my heart had been shoved into a blender. ” he scoffed, pouring himself another drink.
“ i get that you did what you had to do, but this isn’t about to be easy. ” cj warned her gently, frowning a little as he looked at her properly for the first time. “ there are a lot of people in this town that you hurt by leavin’ & i doubt they’re all gonna welcome you back with open arms. the kids included. ”
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