“N-no, don’t.” Roland sniffled, tears welling in his eyes - he kept his face away so CJ couldn’t see. “W-why did you d-do it?”
CJ sighed softly. He had hoped he wouldn’t have to go through it again, but he knew that wouldn’t be likely. He looked over at Roland briefly before looking down again. “I-I couldn’t sleep. I h-hadn’t been taking my s-sleeping pills all month. S-So I could see my f-families.. I-I p-panicked when I-I couldn’t sleep, a-and took the pills I had b-been hiding. I-I forgot that you were coming,” he recalled, leaving out a few details. “I’m s-so sorry, Roland. I n-never m-meant to hurt you like that.”
Tears sprung to his eyes as CJ realized who it was that was next to him. He curled into himself, wrapping his arms around his torso as he looked at Roland. He looked like the Roland he’d first met. Not the bouncy Roland whom he’d came to care for. “R-Roland… I-I-I’m sorry. M'so sorry,” he said, taking deep breaths as the panic seeped in to his mind. “I n-never w-wa-wanted you t-to s-see that. M'sorry.”
Roland shrugged, looking to the ground. He wasn’t even sure if he could handle looking at CJ currently right now - he wasn’t emotionally ready. “Yeah - o-oh well.” He mumbled, almost barely even listening. Roland thought maybe he was feeling light-headed.
CJ bit his lip and looked away as well. He wanted to reach out and hug him, but it was obvious the boy wasnt ready for that from him. He pulled at a loose thread on his sweater, sniffling softly. "I-I can l-leave if y-you w-want me to."
CJ sat in the common room, staring down at his hands in his lap. He felt drained from his trip to the hospital, but he was happy to be back. He wasn’t allowed in his room unless it was time for bed, and he could feel the stare from the guard he had following for the next few days. Honestly, it was difficult to just sit there, but he didn’t know what else to do, but it was harder to concentrate on much anything. That might have been why he didn’t notice the person sitting next to him right away, which had him startled for a moment. “Oh.. h-hi.”
Roland was back to hold old self almost - the incident shooting his back to square one. He felt small, without much to say and his eyelids constantly heavy. Time just merged together, his eyes shut and any sound in the background. He wasn’t even to sure someone had actually sad beside him or his he’d dreamt it until he heard a voice speak up. “O-oh -” The word short and quiet - Roland wasn’t too sure what to say. “A-am I d-dreamin’?”
Tears sprung to his eyes as CJ realized who it was that was next to him. He curled into himself, wrapping his arms around his torso as he looked at Roland. He looked like the Roland he'd first met. Not the bouncy Roland whom he'd came to care for. "R-Roland... I-I-I'm sorry. M'so sorry," he said, taking deep breaths as the panic seeped in to his mind. "I n-never w-wa-wanted you t-to s-see that. M'sorry."
Patient returned to Glendale on Friday, September 1. He will be monitored more closely with his medication and have a guard with him for a few days. He has also been diagnosed has having abandonment issues on top of his PTSD.
CJ sat in the common room, staring down at his hands in his lap. He felt drained from his trip to the hospital, but he was happy to be back. He wasn’t allowed in his room unless it was time for bed, and he could feel the stare from the guard he had following for the next few days. Honestly, it was difficult to just sit there, but he didn’t know what else to do, but it was harder to concentrate on much anything. That might have been why he didn’t notice the person sitting next to him right away, which had him startled for a moment. “Oh.. h-hi.”
Patient has recovered from incident, but has some decreased concentration, a side effect of the overdose. He has spoken with a psychiatrist who has sent his notes on the attempt to his doctors at Glendale. Charles will be able to return to Glendale as soon as possible. He will be closely monitored when taking his medication, which has been adjusted, as well as for a few days after his return.
“Yeah – I guess so.” It felt so weird, though, she wasn’t sure if it just didn’t feel right, or something that she was not fucking accustomed to at all; she felt like the people who’d left her before, down on the floor bruised and in tears and asking them if they’d ever come back. This was one of the reasons she’d opted to avoid people these past few days, the line between right and safe was beginning to become murky again. “Hey, it’ll be okay. It’s not like, I’ll be fucking gone forever or anything,” she pulled her hand away, cringed, not wanting to make the situation even more heavy. “I might come by again soon, who knows,” if she did return, “get you another Dory or some shit. Sound cool?” She smiled, weakly. “You can try and get better too. How have you been lately?”
“You will be gone though.,” he whispered. CJ sniffed a little, turning away so she wouldn’t see the panic in his eyes. He stopped, forcing himself to take a deep breath before he spoke again. “Only stop by if you think you can handle it, you know,” he said with a shrug. CJ didn’t really think she’d come back, but he had hope that maybe she would. “I guess I can, yeah. It’s a hard month for me.. But I’m trying to just get through it so I can move on.”
Patient was transported, and admitted, to New York Presbyterian Hopstial at Friday 25th of August, 11:34pm, in Queens after he was found in his room after overdosing on Zolpidem prescription. He will be held for several days after being stablized and receiving Flumezenil to make certain there are no serious side affects. Psychiatrist evaluation must be preformed before patient can return to Glendale.
This is mainly a self para, but was co-written with Jasper who wrote the part from Roland’s perspective.
There was really only one month of year that Charles really hated: August. And it’s not because of the weather, as some might figure. No, August happens to be an very unlucky month for him. It’s the month when he lost both of his families. It’d be the first time mourning two anniversaries; one for his biological family, and another for the first year he’s been without his adoptive family. So, while most people are trying to soak up the last warm rays of summer, CJ would rather be alone.
He wanted to see his families more than anything, and he knew that his memory of them was fading more as time went on. CJ had decided to stop taking his sleeping pills in order to start having his nightmares again, meaning he’d see his family. Yes, he’d be seeing them die, but to the patient, that didn’t matter. Seeing them in any way was better than none at all.
For a bit, it worked well. He was able to see his family again, and even though the nightmares left him more tired than before, CJ was mostly happy his plan had worked. When it was time for bed, he would pretend to take his pill, and then during the middle of the night, he would take a trip to the bathroom, and get rid of it, so it wouldn’t be found when the staff did checks of his room.
This went on for the majority of the month, Charles skipping his sleep aid, having nightmares, sleeping less. But he didn’t mind any it. It’d been like that for the majority of his life, and he prefered it to the nothingness of the sleeping pill.
However, his routine changed about halfway through the month, while on a walk through the gardens. He was hanging out with Ben, and as they talked, Ben let it known to CJ that he was seeing David again. CJ was devastated, although he knew there was really no reason for it. It wasn’t like he and Ben were boyfriends. They told themselves they didn’t need labels, but in Charles’ mind, he had been more important to Ben than just a friend. He felt abandoned and betrayed, and he felt even less worthy of living.
CJ started isolating himself even more from everyone, hardly leaving his room to even eat. He didn’t want to risk seeing Ben after how he handled their last conversation. On top of that, Charles started hiding away the pills he wasn’t taking. He wanted something in case he couldn’t take the pain anymore. Every day was a struggle for him. CJ was sleeping even less than usual, and his friendships seemed to be disappearing left and right. Nothing seemed worth it anymore.
Finally, after about two weeks, there was the night he couldn’t sleep at all, and no sleep meant no nightmares. No nightmares meant CJ wouldn’t be seeing his family again. In a desperate panic, he scrambled to take the small stash he’d collected, swallowing them down all at once. As he waited for the pills to take effect, Charles laid in bed, praying he would finally get to see his family again without all the carnage.
Roland was feeling pretty confident in his mood. He’d managed to avoid his mother during her visiting hours on the first day and was now trying to find CJ, someone who he considered his family here. He had a book in his hand, eager to go read and comfort CJ knowing he probably felt rather alone today.
He walked with his cane in hand, wearing one of CJ’s sweaters and his leggings as he quickly ran into CJ’s room, giggling softly. He was trying not to be worried about the other’s mood, knowing today was hard but he tried to keep positive - he knew CJ was going to need some kind of emotional boost.
“Hey!” Roland giggled coming into the room, making himself at home in the room - more times than not they cuddled there (so he didn’t have to see Ben in his own room) and CJ’s roommate wasn’t in there.
“A-are you sleepin’?” Roland asked in a quiet voice, noticing CJ curled up in his bed and eyes closed. He didn’t blame him for taking a rest, so he kicked off his slippers and climbed onto the bed with book in hand. “I b-brought a book I thought you’d l-like. The ch-chr-chrysalids.” He read the title carefully, hoping his talking and sounds would wake him.
“CJ?” He looked over, seeing him not moving or reacting to the sound of his voice - he knew CJ wasn’t much of a deep sleeper. “W-wake up, I’m h-here to read.” He crawled onto him, leaning over him and looking down.
Worry started to fill his chest, heavy breathing and tears quickly filling his eyes. “C-Cj, n-not funny.” He put his hand’s on CJ’s shoulder and trying to shake him awake. Despite not having much strength to shake him physically, he knew anyone would wake up with being grabbed like that.
“Wake up!” He screamed, CJ still unresponsive. “CJ!” His hands were shaking and he was sure the cataplexy was going to kick in. “CJ!”
Eventually, the screaming brought the attention of a staff member in. At that point his face was full of tears and he didn’t bother trying to keep his composure anymore. He was too afraid to leave incase something might happen, but it felt like time was frozen.
He didn’t have much time to think about what was happening. Time seemed to stop, that seconds didn’t exist and he was stuck in a moment where he was watching over CJ’s unresponsive body for god knows how long. But at the same time, it felt like it was moving too fast. He was prepared to read to him, then suddenly he was crying and being carried out of the room without one last goodbye.
As CJ laid there, he felt calm, much calmer than he had in months. The anxiety he carried with him was gone, and he felt light. This was almost as peaceful as the last time he’d downed too many pills, when he’d lost his adoptive family. And after that he was torn from his home and taken to Glendale. He hadn’t felt at ease since that incident. But now, CJ could hear the distant call of his name, and it made him smile. He was going to see his family again, and this time, he wouldn’t be found before that could be interrupted.
At least, that’s what he thought. As it turned out the calls of his name hadn’t been the voices of his siblings, but that of Roland. His best friend, someone he considered family, someone who would miss him. He wondered why Roland was there, and CJ remembered that he’d talked to Roland earlier telling the other than he was feeling down because he didn’t have anyone visit him and Roland promised he’d come to his room.
CJ regretted his panicked decision as he now heard faint screams of his name and knew that his friend had found him most likely unresponsive. He cursed himself for doing that to the only friend he felt he had left. Now he was laying in his bed, with his best friend watching him die. He hated himself for putting the boy through that.
Now that he was aware off Roland being in the room with him, CJ tried his best to get up, but nothing happened. He could faintly hear the sound of screams, and yelling, and he could tell he was being lifted off his bed while he kept fighting the effects of the pills he’d taken. He wanted to say he was sorry, that he just panicked. CJ was able to open his eyes briefly, catching a glance of Roland in distress, before he was pulled under again. As much as Charles fought to regain control of his body, he couldn't under the effects of the sleep aid, and he allowed himself to drift as his body was taken to the hospital.
“Cj cmon please understand…” this is why Ben had wanted to keep it secret, wanted no one to know to just have it be him and David against the world. Now he was losing the last friend he had here and he felt his heart dropping in his chest. Now if really would be him and David against the world. “I’m sorry…I know you wanted more from me but I…I don’t want to end up hurting you. You’re too good a person for me. You don’t really think about it because I’m always nice to you but I’m just as bad as David. I hurt Alex, I hurt you too once remember? I shoved you I remember that. I’m sorry…please don’t stop being my friend. You can go I’m not gonna make you sit here with me but please don’t stop being my friend.” Otherwise he would be alone with only David, and if he lost David he didn’t know what he would do.
CJ stopped, looking over his shoulder a little. He could tell that Ben was upset, and he sighed, turning around. "M'sorry. I-I want t-to b-be friends still. I j-just need t-time. Y-You w-wouldn't hurt me a-again, you're d-doing better," CJ said, wiping his eyes with his sweater. He stumbled a bit, and sat back down on the bench, knowing he wouldn’t be able to make it back to his room right now. CJ sat there for a moment taking a few deep breaths so he wouldn’t panic. “I-I don’t w-want t-to stop being f-f-friends, I promise. An-And you haven’t h-hurt me in a while Ben, you’re n-not as bad as D-David. I-I don’t u-un-understand why y-you think that..”
“I did want to be with you but I…Cj as soon as we were talking about being more than friends he..we started…we were together yet but we had been messing around again and stuff and now we just got together for real.” Ben sighed softly, “I do know, because it is different. It’s so different now. And if he ever lays a hand on me to hurt me you know I would end things immediately. But it is different this time, he’s nicer and gentler and he actually wants to be with me and doesn’t just want to mess around. We’re together we’re exclusive..he’s not sleeping with anybody else. That’s how I know it’s different.”
CJ shook his head, unable to stop the tears that had gathered. He needed to go now. He wanted to yell at Ben that he was being stupid, and that he should have picked him, not David. But he bit his lip and tucked his hands under his arms, turning away. CJ wanted to tell him that David wouldn’t, couldn’t, change, but he could see that Ben was happier now. More than he had been when they were.. whatever they were. And CJ knew that he was just hurting himself more if he fought this. He sniffed softly, curling in on himself a little. At least someone could be happy in this. “I-I’m g-g-gonna g-go,” he whispered, voice trembling so much it was difficult to speak. He could feel a panic attack sweeping over him quickly and he wanted to be alone for that. He was better off alone anyway, it seemed..
“Cj..cmon it’s not that big of a deal.” Ben sighed and reached out to grab Cj’s hand. “We can still be friends it’s not like I can’t be your friend anymore. And I swear it’s different this time so you don’t have to worry about me getting hurt.”
The touch to his skin made CJ jump, but he tried not pulling away. It was difficult though, because he wanted to crawl out of his skin. He couldn’t look at Ben right now, he needed time. He knew they could be friends, but that’s what they had been and CJ had wanted more. But it was obvious now that that was foolish to wish for. “Y-You kn-knew I wanted t-to be m-more th-than friends. B-But David comes back a-and you i-in-instantly get back with him.. Y-You don’t know th-that h-he won’t h-hurt you a-again. You d-don’t kn-know that it’s different,” he said, pulling his hand away slowly.
Her body was still angled forward, but she was watching him from the corner of her eyes — the way he stuttered just made her feel concerned, and she shouldn’t– she shouldn’t start piling up concern after concern over the people here when she was close to jetting the fuck off, but couldn’t help herself. She placed a hand on his shoulder, the least she could offer. “Yeah. I am. Next Wednesday, I’m moving to a facility close to where my mom lives. Figured I could focus more on my recovery there,” she mumbled, almost sounding robotic now. Her jaw felt sore. “Take care, okay?”
CJ had looked down at his hands in the silence after his question, trying to get ready for her answer. He jumped a little at the hand, and glanced over at her. “O-Oh..” He mumbled. “Th-That’s g-good for you. G-Getting yourself taken c-care of first is good.” CJ said, glad that Heather was focusing on her recovery, but suddenly he felt even more alone. First Ben, now her. He felt like his world was falling apart piece by piece. “I’ll t-try. M’gonna m-miss you.”
“It’s complicated. I saw him again after he got out of solitary and there was still something between us and…I dunno it’s just different this time. He’s kinder and gentler and he actually wants to be together and not just mess around and treat me like he owns me. It’s a mutual relationship…I think he loves me..or he’s trying to, in his own way.”
CJ couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He stood up suddenly, having the urge to be far from Ben. He felt betrayed. He felt abandoned.. Finding it difficult to breath, CJ crossed his arms across his chest, trying to contain his emotions. “Oh..” He said finally, letting out a trembling breath. CJ could feel his anxiety rising by the second and knew he needed to leave before something happened. “I-I have to go..”
“Oh…um..” Ben chewed in the inside of his cheek. “I um..I can’t be more than friends with you CJ. Maybe I could of before but…I’m actually back together with David.” He said a little awkwardly, know Cj would disapprove of him getting back together with his former abuser but this time was so different, David was so different with him now he felt like he could trust him now.
CJ looked up in shock at the brunet, frowning a bit. He slowly pulled his hand away, shaking his head in disbelief. “Wh-What? Why?” He asked, tone confused. He didn’t understand how Ben could go back to that. He thought the other was done with David, had moved on.. CJ turned to face forward, fighting the tears that were stinging at his eyes. “I-I don’t un-understand.”
“Yeah. I’m not sure either. They’ll probably take a while.” He said it had always taken him about a few hours after being ushered before he was allowed to get back into the room and he’d spent it by going to therapy. “Maybe you should go to the medical room?”
CJ sighed, looking around the room as he stood there. “I don’t know.. maybe I can try the garden. Now that it’s cooling down outside, there aren’t as many people out there,” he shrugged.
Ben frowned, he’d been spending so much time with David that he hadn’t even thought about Cj. “I’m sorry..I’ve been caught up with therapy.” He lied. “We? There isn’t really a we…” he knew Cj wanted to be more than friends, but even before he was with David he was awkward about it.
“It’s okay..” CJ lied, looking down at the floor. Ben’s words hurt him more than he cared to admit, but CJ didn’t want want him to know, so he just kept his face down, biting his lip a little. “I-I know y-you didn’t want labels, but I-I th-though he were m-more than f-f-friends?”
