november 21, 2020
it’s been a while since i sat down and just typed away my drowning thoughts. i’ve been so busy with a lot of things lately, and what brought me here today is the lack of motivation.
when the pandemic started, i was privileged enough to be in the safety of my own home. and i’m grateful for that. i took my introverted self to make quarantine a time to give myself a break; a rest from my past. there are still things that run through my head from time to time, and i guess being stuck at home meant that they’re going to run almost frequently. but i didn’t bother to drown in them. i just kept reminding myself that everybody makes bad decisions, everybody makes mistakes, and if people doesn’t see that in you and doesn’t accept that fact, then maybe they’re not worth keeping.
in a moment of isolation, i felt alone. most times, i felt lonely because i felt like i had no friends, no one to have a little talk with, no one to share my quirky thoughts. of course, i let this come and put me in a very gloomy mood. nevertheless, i didn’t forget to be grateful. because i have a guy that is both my bestestfriend and the one i love. and so i can’t bring myself to complain about not having friends, because i’ve already got what matters. someone who accepts me, who sees me who i am, and someone who, despite my flaws, still thinks i’m perfect.
a lot of thoughts have crossed my brain over the past seven or eight(?) months of being stuck at home, trying to make everyday different from yesterday. it gets boring sometimes, but sometimes i find the solidarity peaceful to my mental health. spending time with my pets, my family, is something that’s been such a blessing in disguise. and i couldn’t ask for more.
and when i feel discontent, i try to remind myself about the wondrous things God has provided me and brought into my life. and if being unhappy is the way that i’m going to accept those things, then i don’t deserve them. that’s why, at this moment, i am happy. i am content. i am happy to be able to study in the number 1 university in the philippines, to be granted a scholarship to tend to my college needs, and to be alive and healthy. being a student in up diliman and pursue something that i’ve always wanted to be good at, is such a great opportunity that i couldn’t just go to waste.
and as i started my first semester as a freshman, i was anxious. i always thought of myself as one of those people who works hard enough to gain recognition. my talent is learning. i learn things easily, i commit to them, i give all of myself to learn and i don’t give up. sure, being a college student is a very new chapter and there’s no experience that could make me prepared for it. i’ve had my down days. days where i studied hard enough but still get a low score in my exams. days where I thought i did well and finish a test just to be welcomed of a failed score. there were also days where i had to spur through a requirement just to meet the deadline, without even thinking about how the instructor’s going to grade it. there were days where i just do it. not because i wanted to, but because i needed to. writing this made me realize that shouldn’t be the case. writing this made me realize of the top reason why i should do well. my family.
i study to make it up to my mom and dad’s efforts to raise me well, put me to a good school, and shape me into the person that i am today. i study hard so that someday, i can make them proud, and hopefully contribute into providing for them. i want them to have a life they’ve never had before. and in doing so, i want them to stay healthy and active. so when the time comes, they could savor every moment of it. i just don’t know how i’m gonna tell them this, but hopefully i could have the courage to do so. my motivation is them. so here’s one message i’m gonna leave for myself.
GET OUT OF HERE AND TAKE A REST, A GOOD NIGHT SLEEP, AND GET BACK ON TRACK FIRST THING TOMORROW MORNING. YOU’VE GOT GOALS TO ACHIEVE. THE BUS IS ABOUT TO LEAVE THIS STOP.