“Filled with questions and uncertainty,
Of tough decisions and mysteries to comprehend,
Take it with faith, it can be a surprisingly profound adventure,
Yet it’s never smooth-sailing,
But to dwell on fear and disappointments,
You’re like a lion that forgets how to roar,
An eagle that can’t seem to soar,
Graciously, we all are given the choice to choose,
To lift our eyes to the One who can give us courage and hope,
- some excerpts are taken from songs -
I penned it out of a tough season. Hmm … I make it sounds like life is filled with such drama. Well, that’s the truth. When people asked me how are you? I don’t wanna lie but I can’t be telling everybody how painful it could be. And yet I’m trying to search for answers that are not pretentiously blissful.
Have you ever felt like you were on cloud nine? Living the time of your life because God has been so good to bless someone like me. But to be stumbled on a rock that completely exasperated and shattered me. I think this is the hardest fall that I had to be back on my feet.
I have been a Christian, serving God all my life but I never could comprehend God’s ways and testings. I used to try to wrestle and reason through prayers, demanded an answer but uncannily He never answers you the way you wanted (depending on certain circumstance). He is God, after all.
One of the episodes staged where I had to deal with absolute forgiveness for an offense at my workplace. You may judge me all you want but I seriously have never encountered such level of injustice to just perform my work in my best effort. It was manipulative enough to put my emotions to a test that’s rather difficult to keep a composed disposition.
For the record, I did the best I could. It affected me terribly that I wasn’t the best example I should be, as a leader in Homes (cell group). I got pointed out discreetly (away from the crowd). Although it was a good intention, it broke me. I withdrew, thinking I don’t deserve to continually serve with that unsettled heart.
Oh God, You had me. Yet with grace, You still pursue me.
I didn’t think that was just the beginning when things start to turn around for the better. God dug out one of my deepest desires that hold me so dearly. He didn’t audibly ask for it. But I knew deep down in my heart I had to let go.
How did I know? Interestingly, He revealed it way before it happened. He did so by painting a picture - a vision - where one of the speakers spoke it specifically for me during a women conference.
There is a flute made of bamboo…. And that flute has a very distinct sound…. This called for a new level of obedience out of you yet it’s not impossible.
The speaker asked if that vision means anything to me. Honestly, I didn’t know what it entirely meant then. All I know during that altar call session, I felt such a warm and burning sensation in my heart. Of course, this is the work of the Holy Spirit.
When I got hold of the vision, it was nothing but a humbling experience, came with a package of tears of joy and affliction at the same time. Makes sense? The vision encouragingly interpreted as no matter how painful life’s gonna be, as long as I choose to faithfully and obediently serve God with my all, I’ll be a reflection of that flute, with that distinct sound. It is a beautiful picture.
The choice that I’m gonna make should be different from anyone’s else. God’s standard. His way. That’s the cost. I couldn’t help but tearfully blurted out one day… I’m not trying to ask for compassion. I understood life can be such. But God I honestly felt what you requested of me from these two blows are unimaginable. And this one is so.. so.. so… hard.
Because a flute that is made of plastic is breakable. In an affliction, a bamboo is able to withstand whatever bend or blow is bound to take.
Time and time again, Lord you always wanted my heart. Yet you lovingly did so. Because I know He wanted the best for me. That’s why I still choose to sing even when it hurts.
