Enby Things

💛 22💛 🖤 they/them 🖤 💜 autistic 💜

[not-ur-binary]

So, after having top surgery, I realized I could feel women’s breasts when I hugged them.

I now just realized that guys could definitely feel my breasts when I hugged them…

[not-ur-binary]

It’s my second time completing the daily NYT wordle in the hospital.

[not-ur-binary]

Me in middle school: I’m not like other girls.

Me now: I’m not a girl.

[not-ur-binary]

I went to the closest mall today (an hour drive) and at the last store I went to, I gave them my phone number for the rewards. The interaction that occurred was not what I was expecting:

Employee: Deadname?

Me: No, it should be under Cas.

Employee: *Retypes in phone number* Hm, it’s still coming up under deadname.

(I then realize that I didn’t clarify that the name isn’t wrong, just outdated, and it should be updated to Cas)

Me: Oh, you know, that’s probably just from when I was here last time with my younger cousin.

Employee: Okay, let me just update the information for you.

(We then update the name, email, and zip code, since I moved last year)

Employee: Lastly, your birthday.

Me: *Panicking because I don’t want her to get suspicious if I tell her the birthday that is already with the account* Uh, July 14th (My best friends bday)

Employee: Alright, you’re all set.

And now I have the wrong birthday because I got too awkward to clarify about why the name was wrong. At first I thought to say it was my sister’s name, but then I got worried the employee would be suspicious of why I didn’t instantly realize that, so I went with cousin. In retrospect, there’s pretty much no way she would have actually thought anything I panicked about was weird, but in the moment, I felt like not outing myself as trans.

[not-ur-binary]

I had a birthmark on my chest, which after top surgery is now gone. If someone I’m not out to is asking invasive questions about my surgery, I can just say “I got a birthmark removed.” and leave them forever confused.

[not-ur-binary]

Nevermind. Turns out it was just hidden by the scar tape ._.

[not-ur-binary]

After getting top surgery, my chest is kinda itchy from the scar tape and the compression vest. When I took the vest off to take a shower, I instinctively tried to move my boob to itch underneath, only to get really confused for a second when I simply pushed air.

[not-ur-binary]

I’m currently 10 days post op and getting top surgery is the best thing I’ve ever done

[not-ur-binary]

I was looking at my estimate from top surgery and I saw what I can only assume is a typo, because I sure as hell didn’t get 11 mastectomies.

[not-ur-binary]

The worst thing about top surgery recovery for me wasn’t anything to do with recovering from the surgery. The worst part came a week after my surgery. I went back to my apartment after staying with my dad and stepmom for a week.

I really miss living with them. I wish I didn’t move out. I could have lived with them for many more years. I don’t think I could move back in. I’d have to rent a storage unit to store my furniture for whenever I’d move out again. My step sister would have to share a room with me again and neither of us want that. I just really miss them.

[not-ur-binary]

I had a birthmark on my chest, which after top surgery is now gone. If someone I’m not out to is asking invasive questions about my surgery, I can just say “I got a birthmark removed.” and leave them forever confused.

[not-ur-binary]

I take online surveys to make some extra money, and let me tell you, being non binary is a pain when it comes to surveys. One asked me to describe who live in my household and gave me 2 sets of 8 different age ranges, one for male and one for female. As someone who is the only person living in their household and isn’t male or female, I did the only thing that made sense to me while not losing points from not completing the survey:

I selected my age range for male and for female.

What are they going to do, sue me?

[not-ur-binary]

Now realizing I missed a prime opportunity to say “Glad I got that off my chest” when I woke up from top surgery.

[not-ur-binary]

Is it weird that I miss being in the first day of recovery? Maybe it’s because I was too tired to be bored, maybe because the drains weren’t so irritating, maybe because I’m starting to miss work, I really don’t know. Right now everything is just so ugh.

I’m glad that I’m getting my drains out tomorrow, but god, I really miss how things felt at the beginning.

[not-ur-binary]

I think I just felt my first phantom sensation???

I tried to lift up my breasts (which I got chopped off) and I swear I felt them move up on my chest.

Freaky.

[not-ur-binary]

If 20 year old me could see me now, they’d probably hug me crying, because they never would have thought we’d actually be able to transition and get top surgery and have actual friends.

If 15 year old could see me now, they’d be confused, scared for the future, and have soooo many questions.

If 10 year old me could see me now, they’d be like “heck yeah! No boobies!”

If 5 year old me could see me now, they’d get angry and say “What do you mean we don’t really like grandma anymore?!”

[not-ur-binary]

I mainly work in the kitchen at work, but when I’m back I’ll be on register for a few weeks. (No lifting fryer baskets with 15lbs of chicken for a while 😞)

Some people from my old store stop in occasionally and if one of them sees me that’ll be so awkward. They’re gonna be like “Where did the titties go???”

If that happens hopefully they don’t ask me. I don’t want to out myself as trans to them :/

[not-ur-binary]

When your old 2008 DS game doesn’t let you change the name on your file and you’re stuck choosing between being deadnamed or having to restart your game -_-