like hell i do

personal post sideblog. trigger warnings for mental illness & suicide mentions

[clarkesbae]

all i really want to do today is crash my car into a building at 90 miles an hour & die instantly but unfortunately i’m busy until 6

[clarkesbae]

i can’t handle that reaction without completely panicking.

[clarkesbae]

still wanna blow my brains out, but like, with vigor

[clarkesbae]

why sleep when you can overthink? it’s way more fun, guaranteed!

[clarkesbae]

when does it end

[clarkesbae]

i'm having a panic attack but instead of feeling panicked i am fucking dissociating. wild

[clarkesbae]

do i really wanna answer that

[clarkesbae]

i can see the signs of my resurfacing alcoholism & i am aggressively ignoring them

[clarkesbae]

i said the wrong thing at the worst time & i am so sorry

[clarkesbae]

i thought sleeping would make me wanna die less hmmmmmmmmm

[clarkesbae]

i have a lot of regrets. i have a lot of hopes.

[clarkesbae]

yes, i still have bad habits, & yes, i fucking hate them

[clarkesbae]

when you realize shit at 12:30am consistently

[clarkesbae]

tfw you four years later recognize something as the trigger it is, have flashbacks to all the abuse you suffered, and end up in a panic attack at 1230am

[clarkesbae]

eeeeggghhhugheugheughhughhugheuhhhghhghgghgh

[clarkesbae]

i just want to scream loud enough to flatline my brain & murder my emotions

[clarkesbae]

ha ha ha i feel weird