The blog of a simple mentally ill boy

[claude-the-cloud]

Introduction

Name: Claude

Age: 17

Gender: Male (ftm)

Ocupation: Studying

Relationship: taken

Interests:

Gaming -> Stardew Valley, Roots of Patcha, Sun Haven...

Reading -> fantasy and sci-fi

Drawing -> Everything but mainly people

Photography -> Flowers and bugs

Smoking -> Red Marlboro classic

My DM's are open!

I am actually searching for friends...

I am just too scared to text first, cause I'm convinced that I bother everyone just by breathing (Haha funny [Please laugh<You actually dont have to but thank you if you did>])

Sexuality: Pansexual

Nationality: Czech Republic (Prague)

(I forgor)

[claude-the-cloud]

I genuinely need advice and oppinions from as much people as possible

TW: Talk about food

I am so confused on what's going on with my eating habits, l eat so freacking little but not on purpose. My whole life was about trying to lose weight, counting intake, working out, purging. And now of all times when I don't give a fuck about how much I weight or what my body looks like suddenly eating becomes boring? I literally forget to eat and I just don't want to do it not cause of numbers if anything i should obsess about protein intake since I want to gain muscles. Nope the thought of food makes me gag. The longer this goes on the more my ed brain takes advantage of it and thoughts like "Oh you hungry but you wanted ti do this first" I obviously won't forget to do something exciting and pleasurable but a chore that eating has become will slip my mind easily. I started hiding food and lying about eating cause I'd just rather do something else than eat. I don't even know if I have lost any weight cause I don't fucking weight myself. I thought of possible causes and all I've come up with is £D relapse or Afrid or a subconscious way of taking control of my own life but I have no idea. Please give me advice I desperately want to stay out of psychwards and struggle with mental health whatever it is I need to fix it.

THANK YOU DEAR TUMBLR

[claude-the-cloud]

Sometimes late at night when everything quiets down, I lay down at my window, my head in half suported by the sill. I look up at the sky and imagine that I am holding a rope, weaven from dried grass. I close my eyes and inhale the cold night air. Sometimes, I wish I felt the rope slipping from my fingers tiny bit at a time. I wish there was a sharp blade attatched to the rope big and strong. I imagine it's shine. I study the clouds, and then I close my eyes and hope my neck has really been severed. I think about the ruby liquid spilling out about the peace and freedom each drop that leaves my body brings... I might be strange, but I don't mind one bit.

[claude-the-cloud]

Life is so fucking miserable

[claude-the-cloud]

Me after starthing DBT:

"Do I feel shitty? Claude!? Do we feel shitty?"

...

"Thinks so"

*Agressively splashing cold water onto my face while holding my breath*

"I kinda wanna live... strange"

*Proceeds to drink the running tap water*

*Meowing a nonexistent song*

[claude-the-cloud]

Thanks for the spam :3

Btw you're so so cool :3 (can we be moots?)

Girllll I thought u were so cool! I'd love to be moots! <333 :P

[claude-the-cloud]

I just want everything to stop...

[claude-the-cloud]

My psychiatrist gave me apointments every monday... the last one is in the end of june

never in five years of visiting her did this shit show occur

[claude-the-cloud]

Meow

[yoursleepdemon]

im bored here's a new tag game

Use this pitcrew

@dyinginmybed @maebeelater @stopbeingapoo @bylerbean @chewing-on-lead @holliewoodnot @nivea-ah @nigripes-lover @averagelikessoup @froggie-is-currently-breathing @crepemew @1nfinitesource @the-ice-queen-623 + anyone else

[alien-in-washington]

@burning-britain-official @antjester @seriouslythisisagoodname @herwonderlandfirefreakingevil @rawrxp-casper @krumbymatcha @mariorat-the-aroace @i-garden-a-lot + open tags

[rawrxp-casper]

okay yep

@finnthephrog @milo-the-clown @tim-laflours-gf @deftism @cedar-slaughter @ch3rry-vessel +open tags

[cedar-slaughter]

me if I was a cartoon girl

My eyes are a bit less lazy but I’m tired so

@sillylo2 @l1fe1sp0ppli0 @noelgrubershungryhombremeal + open tags

[l1fe1sp0ppli0]

finally a picrew I can add my moles 🥹

@fluffycreampuff56 @shoegazing-cowboy @empress-azrae1 @freakylittlerants @z0mbie-is-a-prowler @d0llcorps3 @bunnistarzisfailing @sh4rkt33th

[d0llcorps3]

first picrew yall get of me !! (not personas but yvette!) i couldn’t really make my hair or eyes fully exact but close enough

tags: @biancanotfound @imgonnacryalltheusersaretaken @totallyestrogen @sha1mon @thatglitchfan @rin-yaps @boobadomo @mybloodi5purple @eternal-dead-girl @fangz2sweet @daughterofdeath28 @witch-hazel13 @v0xedblr @xxartsylavenderxx & anyone else

[mybloodi5purple]

This was a fun one! Open tags^^

[claude-the-cloud]

[claude-the-cloud]

Things I need

• My lover

• My partner

• The entity that I love

• Them

• The most beautiful and kind creation of this universe

• The silly goose I always feel safe around

• The one whose dog is named Bailey

• My little flea

• The love of my life

[claude-the-cloud]

What do I want?

Do I want to stop smoking? Do I not want to stop smoking? Do I want to live? Do I want to die? Do I want to have a clean room? Do I not care? Do I like this show or not? Is this good for me of is it bad? ... What do I want?

~Claude... Claude?

[claude-the-cloud]

Actually, I had more freedom in the psychward

I can not go anywhere, do anything but stay at home. I am an adult in four months, but my parents act as if I was still ten. I get it they are scared but when you think about it they are scared that I will be unhappy that I will get worse that I will end it. Well, guess what I'm feeling when I am locked up at home? All those three, so it makes zero sense keeping me here. But still, I am here...

~Claude, who is sad, hopeless and fucking pissed

[claude-the-cloud]

Dudeeeeeee, hold up!

life is so much easier when you use noice cancelling headphones and allow yourself to rock back and forth, and who knew I was vaping so much because it was a safe way to keep my mouth busy!?

Like, what the hell!? I knew I didn't remember my childhood, but who knew I didn't remember that much? When did I manage to learn and unlearn so many things?

Like Claude, you're brilliant! but also such a dumbass...

Navigating socially and being able to understand social cues is awesome!

But do you have to police yourself when you're alone too? It cause you burnouts, and you compromise sleep for the ability to feel safe.

I have so many things to change and relearn, and woah, life is less of a burden when you give yourself free space to be "weird and loud and annoying and a fucking weirdo"

~Claude, who is unreasonable, happy from using noice cancelling headphones for noice cancelling

[claude-the-cloud]

EVERYTHING IS SO OVERWHELMING! WHY DOES EVERYONE INTERUMPT MY RUTINES I DIDN'T EXPECT IT AND IF I DIDN'T EXPECT IT I HAVE TO DO IT AGAIN BECAUSE IT WAS INTERUPTED AND IF IT WAS INTERUPTED I HAVE TO REPEAT IT BUT IF I REPEAT IT IT WILL BE INTERUPTED AGAIN AND I WILL HAVE TO REPEAT IT AGAIN AND I CANNOT SLEEP WITHOUT MY RITUAL BEING FINISHED BUT I CAN'T FINISH IT SO I AM STUCK BUT I NEED TO SLEEP SO I AM FUCKED EVERYTHING IS FUCKED JUST FOR GOD'S SAKE LEAVE ME ALONE DON'T COME INTO MY FUCKING ROOM IS IT THAT FUCKING HARD!?

But, I am not autistic because I found the patern in social interactions, and I don't act like a 4yo nonverbal cis boy who is obsessed with trains. WELL FUCK YOU BECAUSE IF I AM NOT AUTISTIC I AM INSANE AND IF I AM INSANE I CANNOT LIVE A NORMAL LIFE AND I WANNA LIVE A NORMAL LIFE SO GIVE ME THE MOTHERFUCKING DIAGNOSIS! please and thank you.

~Claude, who fucking despises the unpredictable

[claude-the-cloud]

Why is life all about sex!? I DON'T WANT IT! WHAT DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND!?

[claude-the-cloud]

Life is so overwhelming when my father exists.

I have no idea how he does it, but I once again don't feel safe around him, don't feel safe at home, don't feel safe at all...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Fuck I thought we were over this shit! Looks like I'm not. it looks like it will never be peaceful at home. I fucking hate this shit! Life is so wonderful, but I see him, and I wanna die.

~Claude, who dislikes being manipulated, how strange!?