Courting. Union. Separation.
Things are hard right now. And there are days where words fail to describe the emotional turmoil that churns in my mind. As I stand in the empty house that once represented the beginning of a brand new chapter, my typing echoes through its empty rooms.
Despite how challenging things are, I don't spend my days weeping like I thought I would. Sure, there are some days where the smallest object reminds me of him and my eyes tear and I reminisce about days in our past and sweet memories, but I can't say I have this strong desire for us to be together again. And suddenly I think about some of the biggest heart breaks I've written about here in the past and realize that maybe it was all meant to be in my life. Because of those disastrous heart breaks, I know how to take care of myself. Learning how to grow up as an only child, I've learned how to be prepared to survive and live with or without anyone.
What pains me the most isn't the fact that we're separating. What pains me the most is the way the person I thought was the love of my life has reacted. And as we continue down the path to reach our end, I realize more and more how over the years, I've bent myself towards him to make things work. I embodied the philosophy of "If you love someone, you love them for everything they are. Both their strengths and their flaws."
But darlings, I'm here to tell you that in life you have to find a balance. By embodying this philosophy, I've spent so many years making up excuses and suppressing things that I thought I desired. Until all that was left was a tiny little woman who didn't think she could deserve much more than what she had in the world.
I'm so thankful for my beloved friends over the last six months as they weathered and continue to weather this stormy stage of my life with me. Never did I imagine (and I'm sure no one imagines this) to be a soon to be divorcée before 30. This was the 30 under 30 list that I did not want to be on. But to have good people in your life lifting you is a blessing.
As I find my way back into my SoCal where I was born and raised, I sometimes chuckle when I think about a story an old friend once wrote about called '10 years later'. It's been so long that I can't remember all of the plot, but I find it funny that 10 years later, here I am, about to move back into LA and rebuild my life.
Some of my days are filled with questions. I ask myself things like: Where do I begin? How do you start over? Is this really my life now? When does it stop hurting? Am I going to cry between these two Zoom calls I have today? What comes next?
In the grand scheme of things, I've come to realize that none of these questions really matter.
Is this really my life now?
This is, and always has been, my life. My path to walk. My shoes to wear.
When does it stop hurting?
I've learned this lesson before: time.
Am I going to cry between these two Zoom calls today?
And on my best things, I can even feel a little bit of gratitude to the journey that he and I have had together. To be able to spend 10 years with someone is not easy. To be able to live through all these different stages of a relationship is even more challenging. And although in this moment, we're both not okay, I know we've said it to each other before that in time, we will both be stronger for whatever this stage of life is doing for us.
And should I forget these positive outlooks, I hope I come back here to remind myself that without darkness, we wouldn't know light.
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