~*WE ARE ONE*~

Masterlist Fan of many Kpop groups (HISTORY, 2NE1, BTS, NCT, RV, etc) but forever a EXO hoe first and foremost. Hyuna is my queen. A little place where I post my stories and writings. I update when I can! :D

[clevernewdimension]

I saw the news. On one hand I’m so happy that they are fighting against SM. They’ve been used and abused for too long and don’t deserve such treatment anymore. Jongdae, Minseok and Beakhyun, I am so proud that you all are defending yourselves!

On the other hand I’m sad. I hope they all leave SM and keep their name and own themselves. That’s the dream. But I don’t see SM letting that happen easily.

Overall I just want them to be happy.

[clevernewdimension]

Hello everyone! I’m not dead, I’ve just been struggling with health problems and grief. Had to get multiple surgeries and things like that have really killed my desire to write for these last two years I think? Three?

I’m sorry it’s taken so long. I’ve put myself first for the first time in my life but I’m starting to want to write again. No promises for frequent updates but I’ll try to write when I can.

Thank you all for reading and enjoying what I’ve written. It means a lot to me!

[dathomiria-deactivated20230508]

i hope every white person on here who made liking kpop and anime and kdramas and shit like that a part of their online identity is doing something to boost AAPI charities/mutual aid today.

[dathomiria-deactivated20230508]

These links have been spread around before but:

This is a Twitter thread updated frequently with links for community resources/mutual aid.

Here is a gofundme for the AAPI Community Fund

Red Canary Song

Butterfly

Swan

Asian Women's Shelter, an organization helping Asian women leave abusive relationships

This is a link to 50 Asian Community Orgs you can donate to

[clevernewdimension]

So it’s been a while. And it will likely be a while before I post something else.

I’m actually making a huge change in my life and am moving across the state. Almost to a completely different state, just like... five minutes from a new one actually.

I was offered to work at a completely different place in the company and I took it because it would be more secure, more money and better benefits. It also gets me close to friends who I will be able to see in lawn chairs in my yard about ten feet apart. It is still a pandemic after all.

I’m still emotionally just... ruined. My therapist said that a change like this could be very good for me. So I’m making these steps.

I’m really sorry to everyone who followed who want frequent updates. I wish I could give them to you but I just cant. At this moment in my life I have to put me first. I hope all of you understand.

My puppy and I are off on a new adventure and when we are settled in and I have everything sorted, I will come back. In the mean time I want to say thank you to everyone who has messaged me. There is so much love from you guys that it makes me cry knowing that even if we don’t know one another you care enough about me to send me those messages. Good cry, I promise.

I’m not going to have internet for a while so I’ll only be on tumblr through my phone, but I will be here just fangirling away too. Just not as frequently.

Thank you all. Any of you who are sticking by me though this are ride or dies and I appreciate the hell out of all of you <3

[clevernewdimension]

Polaris Part Fourteen

Parts: Preview, Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six, Part Seven, Part Eight, Part Nine, Part Ten, Part Eleven, Part Twelve, Part Thirteen, Part Fourteen, Part Fifteen (Coming soon!)

Genre: Action, drama, romance, sci-fi, etc.

Paring: Jongin x Character

Word count: 4.1K

A/N: I have been a mess, but I’ve managed to write this. Thank you all for your support. It’s been hard to write for me, but I’m trying because it’s what y’all deserve after being so wonderful and kind to me. Just... be sure to tell your loved ones that you love them and tell them often. Because you will never know when it will be the last time they hear you say it.

I frown, looking out at the hangers and seeing supplies being loaded up. The feeling in the air has changed drastically. It was once pretty calm and peaceful here on the island. Now, with the war looming, everyone was on edge, myself included. Though, one would assume they would be after almost dying. It’s been four days since the attack on my life. I’ve been in mandatory therapy twice a day since. One more day and I’m allowed back to work. I’m fully healed, the skin just a bit tender.

Sehun sits beside me, cleaning and making sure his upgraded high power pistol is ready to go. I see Yixing out on the beach, a few other special operatives with him as they look over various maps of Tribil. The important buildings, the security and blueprints. It was a very small planet compared to Earth, but the power it held was still massive. Kyungsoo was looking over and making a note of the medical supplies being gathered here, keeping the totals of it all from here and other Syndicate bases close by.

Soon, we’ll all be sent to different large ships, the size of space stations. War ships. The council will likely be on their own ship with a few Fighters there for security. They will be acting as the brains of the battle. Reacting to what is happening, developing strategies to best gain the upper hands and try to keep the deaths on our side as minimal as possible.

“What ship are you and Jongin assigned to,” I ask, looking over.

‘Warship 3H793GT,” He says, looking up at me, “Also known as ‘The Vengeful Valor’.”

I sigh with relief, letting out a breath I was unknowingly holding. “Me too.”

“I know,” Sehun says with a smirk, “I actually requested you before anyone else could. Since Jongin is technically still out on medical leave until…,” He looks at his reader, checking the time, “Five minutes from now, if any other high ranking pilots would have requested you first, and they would have, they would have gotten you.” He smiles, “Besides, I don’t want to hear Jongin complaining about you having to be anyone else's mechanic.”

“Thank you,” I mutter quietly to him, knocking my knee into his.

All he does back is wink.

Minseok looked stressed as he walked by, checking on all the weapons and supplies. I frown, looking down at my new laser pistol and knife. They were placed there for me but I have yet to touch them. The beam of energy went from being white and bright as light to a black color from the power shift. The knife does the same. I could cut through unarmored skin as if it was air. It's that powerful. It has to be, since we’re going to be facing Myrthraians.

I was trained to kill. Grew up seeing death on every street corner. But, in all honesty, violence was never something I wanted to be a part of. I wanted to be better, to try to help people. But this life is better than what would have been the alternative. This one is a life where I would probably have to kill in order to protect myself or others. I’d take that any day. Especially over a life where, before, it was likely the only life I’d ever take would have been my own. If the Syndicate refused me, that was the plan.

Desperation for freedom will do that to a person. Death is freedom from the pain and suffering.

“Tribil will soon be free, Lyra,” Sehun says, looking back up. As if he can see what I’m thinking about. “The people there will no longer be slaves or starved. Everyone can go back to living there peacefully.”

“I wouldn’t be shocked if most of them just want to leave and never go back,” I say, my hands becoming fists.

“Then we will help them with that too,” He says, before I see his eyes glance over my shoulder. “Welcome back to the force.”

Before I could turn and look, I felt someone press a kiss to the top of my head before sitting down on the bench next to me. Jongin sighs. His eyes are red and puffy.

After his first session, he looked like he cried a lot, but I could tell he didn’t want me to mention it, so I didn’t. I just hugged him tightly. Now I place my hand on his knee, giving it a comforting squeeze.

“New weapons,” He asks, looking at Sehun’s and I’s pistols and knives.

“Yours are in your fighter,” Sehun says, “Checked the pistol, rifle and knife myself.”

“Thanks,” Jongin says, his hand moving over mine. It was warm. Comforting me back.

“You and I are going to be part of the front line,” Sehun says, “Twenty fighter pilots on our Warship including us, each with three back up fighters. I already took the liberty of putting my symbol on your back up ones. Not that you’ll need them, really.”

“Our codenames?”

“You and I are Gold One and Gold Two. On our Warship the other duos are called other colors. Silver, Red, Black, Blue, Green, Purple, Bronze, White, and Jade.” Sehun points at me, “Lyra will be handling the repairs for Gold team as well as Jade.”

“I take it Captain Allura is on a different warship,” Jongin mutters, “She’s the second best in all of the Syndicate.”

“You’d be right,” Sehun nods, “It would be stupid to have all of the best Fighter pilots on one warship.”

“Anyone else we know on our ship?”

“Baekhyun is our communications head officer,” I say, “He’ll be the one speaking directly to Junmyeon, who’s the master of communications for the whole army now.”

Jongin nods, “And what about Chanyeol? Yixing? Jongdae?”

“Chanyeol is on the same one as Amelia Allura,” Sehun says, a small pout on his face. “Jongdae is working on getting laws and shit sorted, so he won’t be leaving Mars until we’re about a quarter of the way to Tribil, then he and the Head of Justice will be escorted to HQ. Left early this morning for Mars, actuall.” Sehun’s pout grows, “And Yixing is… well, a ghost. He and the rest of Phoenix team six are likely in the process of getting deep undercover and starting the attack from within.”

“Did they say anything about their plan,” I ask, looking at the suddenly sad pilot before me.

“Nothing that can be repeated in the open like this,” He whines. “Even then it was just… barely anything he told me.”

“He’s a spy. That’s probably a good thing that he and Phoenix Team Six are keeping it close to the chest,” Jongin says, in an attempt to make Sehun feel better.

“This is what I get,” Sehun pouts, “For getting involved with a spy.”

I look away, seeing the large loading ships almost ready. Tomorrow we leave for the Warship. “We have to win,” I say, looking as the cargo ships start to take off.

“We will,” Jongin says, hand patting mine.

A cadet came, pulling Sehun away from us with something about his fighter that was here.

Dread filled me, thinking about Tribil. About Theo Rhys. What happens if we lose. Theo always gets what he wants. Except one time. He wanted the Syndicate to refuse me. But they didn’t and for the first time he had to face what it was like to not have something. Something, because all I was to him was a toy to be used.

“Lyra,” Jongin says as I see how he made me look at him. His eyes looking into mine as his thumbs wipes at my tears.

I turn, moving one leg so that I was straddling the mensch I was sitting on. I reach up, grabbing his hands from the sides of my face. “Jongin, I need you to promise me something.”

He looks at me, his eyes searching for whatever could have hurt me, “Anything,” He says, as he moves to sit like I was, facing me.

“If we are losing… if it’s a lost cause… I need you to make sure I don’t get to Rhys’s hand again,” I say, tears still falling.

I know what I’m asking of him is cruel. I know that it’s wrong. That this would be torture to him. But I can’t go back.

“I don’t understand,” He says, holding my hands tighter. Comforting.

“If he gets me and marks me, I will be his slave again,” I say, sobs starting to shake my body. “He will order m-me to live for him again. He’ll a-abuse me again. Rape me again. I-I can’t go back to that, Jongin. S-so… if there is no other way to save me from him, then I a-ask that you kill me.”

The horror on his face was gut wrenching. The pain. He shakes his head, “I can’t… Lyra, anything else. I can do anything else for you but please…”

“J-Jongin, please,” I mutter, my hands shaking. “Don’t let me go back to t-that. I’d rather my last me-memory of anything related to what he will force me be of you and not h-him. He w-will kill me, who I am, my s-soul. My body would be his puppet for YEARS. I’d rather the man I l-love kill me than have the person I hate most r-ruin me.”

The stare into my eyes was like he was looking directly at me. My self, wholly and completely laid bare emotionally for him to see. He looks down, hands squeezing mine.

“If there is no other way, I will do everything I can to free you from him, Lyra.” He says, before looking up, tears falling from his eyes. “If that means killing you so that deranged asshole can’t hurt you anymore… I promise I will. But it will be the absolute last resort.”

“I’m sorry,” I cry, as he pulled me into his arms.

“I understand,” He mutters, “I get it. If it was my father and going back to what he made me… I understand.”

My face rests on his shoulder as I cry. Horrified I would ask him that but terrified of the reality that could be if we lose.

Space travel on our little ship to Earth was homely. Small, but it felt cozy in a way. A warship is anything but cozy. I was assigned a bunk in a room with ten other people. Higher ranking officials have their own rooms. I’ve been too busy to even think about going to Jongin’s room. I get up, do everything I need to in the morning, eat, get to work on Fighters and oversee the work to other smaller aircrafts, have lunch, continue my work, have dinner, shower and fall asleep the second my head hits my pillow. The calluses on my hands are getting worse as I don’t have the time to take care of my hands. I’m just thankful there isn’t any blisters.

Even though Jongin and I haven’t seen each other for days, since we started the journey, we’re apparently the hottest topic of gossip. I see some officers look at me, quietly whispering away their rumors or disparaging my appearance. I ignore it, but after a few days, they’ve started to grow bolder with their disapproval of Jongin’s choice.

“Her back is so muscled it looks like a mans,” I hear a woman mutter as she is checking the hangar force doorwars, making sure they’re up to code.

Her friend, who was helping her, nodded, “Who would like someone who had smudges of grease on their face so often, too?”

“She’s somehow conned the most wanted man in the galaxies into da-Oh my god, look!”

I don’t look, focusing on making sure the tire for Jongin’s first backup Fighter was up to code. I feel someone’s hand on my arm as I look, seeing the man himself. He looked tired, but smiled at me as he surveyed the Fighter. The paint job on it is completely done. The name in the common language, Aryl 2. I rolled my eyes, seeing the glittering of golden paint of the names once more. On the side by the thrusters was a deep blue rose, his mother’s favorite I’ve come to learn. It was more plain this time, as he started a new place to count the tallies of ships shot down with this fighter.

“Looks good,” He says, “Not that I’ll need it, really.”

“You will if you decide to do your best suicide mission impression,” I say, shaking my head. “I will lose my shit if you ever do that again.”

I hear a small chuckle from him, “I swear I will not wreck another one of your pride and joys like that ever again.”

“Good, because there is only one backup Fighter stick so after that one would have to use the wheel just like everyone else,” I say, smirking at him.

“Well that’s just awful,” He says with a small smile. He looks at me in the eyes, and it makes my heart race just a moment. He glances at my cheek, “Did I ever tell you how cute you look with grease on your face?”

My face flushes, “Stop. We’re supposed to be professional.”

“You’re a professional at being cute.”

I roll my eyes, “First of all, that was just so cheesy and lame. Second, will you just take the second Fighter out on its test run, won’t you?”

He smiles, untying the pilot suit arms from about his waist and pulling them on. He zips up the dark blue suit, before reaching for his helmet. “You sure you don’t want to come this time?”

“And almost puke again? Pass,” I say, shaking my head. “Besides, it was brand new. No rebuilt anything. Should be fine without me. Besides,” I say, looking back, “I have two more I have to do before Dinner.”

He tosses his helmet in, turning to me. “Have dinner with me tonight.”

I nod, “Sure. I hear officers have better food anyways.”

He lets out a small laugh, “You just can’t say you want to see me, hm?” Before I could reply, his hands gently grabbed my face, pulling it to him as he pressed his lips to mine. It was very passionate for such a quick kiss that it left me red in the face. He smiles, before saying, “Hopefully this will stop people from saying such unflattering things about the woman I love.” He turns, looking at the two gossips who’s mouths are hanging open. Their faces flush with embarrassment before turning back to their work.

“For the record,” He says, muttering into my ear, “I think your muscular back is very sexy.”

I shove him, “Will you just get on with it!”

The laugh was like music to my ears as he started the Fighter. It sounded normal as I covered my eyes, watching it slowly and carefully take off out the hanger. The eyes of the two women look over andI just roll my eyes, before turning to the next fighter.

It was an older version of the model we use now, so it needed a bit more love than the others. One of the metal panels was loose so I had to weld that back to the ship. It was after that when Jongin came back. He lands easy, being sure to reverse the Fighter so that it can take off quick if needed.

When he exits the Fighter, he lands with a thump. I wiped the sweat from my face as I saw Sehun meet him and talk. The Fighter pilots spend a lot of their time in their units making sure to have their battle plans all set. Yesterday was Gold unit’s watch. When they’re on watch they fly around our warship, making sure there are no threats.

“Lang,” I hear a voice call.

I look over and see our Judiciary officer at the door. He was from a planet I wasn’t familiar with. His dark shin was a deep gun metal gray as his freckles looked like he had some glowing opals on his face. He was tall, about six and a half feet. “Come with me,” He says, “We have a few things to sort out.”

“Alright,” I say, before looking back to the other mechanics, “This last Jade team fighter just needs the tire pressure adjusted and it’s engine looked at.”

“Yes Ma’am,” A younger woman says. Fresh recruit.

I turn, quickly washing the grease off my hands and face before following him. He leads me to his office in the officers section of the ship.

“My name is Officer Yvetal Rit and we’re here to discuss what should happen to your assets should something tragic occur to you,” He says, looking at me. He sighs, “I know it’s not what you want to do, but it needs to be done. But first...”

He passes a reader towards me, “Sign here to show you’ve been informed that Major Kim Jongin has, should something happen to him, left all his assets, monetary or physical, to you.”

“What,” I ask, looking at him in the eyes. My heart started to race. To me? Everything? I look at the paper, seeing a very very VERY large sum of money as well as a few of his bigger and more important items listed. My heart was in my throat looking at this.

He smiles, “He did. Please.”

I quickly sign the line on the reader, seeing him look at him, nodding.

“Major,” I mutter, “He didn’t tell me that he was promoted.”

Officer Yvetal chuckles a bit, “So, Lang-”

“Two can play at this game,” I say, looking at him. “All of my shit goes to him if something happens to me.”

I see him smile, “He said you would do that.” I see him type some things into the reader, before passing it to me. “Handprint and signature to confirm you wish to leave everything to Major Kim.”

I press my hand to the screen until I hear the beep of confirmation. Then I quickly sign my name.

“Should you pass away, what would you like to have done to your remains should we be able to collect them?”

“Incinerated and…” I stop, thinking. “My ashes spread at the base we left on Earth.”

He nods, “Alright. Sign and handprint again, please.”

I do that again before he nods, “Well, that’s all set. Thank you for making this easy instead of listing off twenty people to give things to.”

I smile, “Some people are that bad, hm?”

“You wouldn’t believe,” He says, standing and holding out his hand, “Thank you, Miss Lang.”

I shake his hand before leaving the office. I see Sehun standing outside the office, “Your work for the day is done.”

“Hello to you too,” I say, rolling my eyes.

“Soon you’ll have to meet the medical officers and give the power over your medical decisions over to someone should you don’t be of sound mind or awake to make them,” He says, looking over at me. “Yixing is my number one, then it’s Jongin… then you.”

My eyes go wide, “Really? Me?”

“I know you’ll choose based on what you think I would want,” He says, nodding. “I already know Jongin is going to be your number one, but they will ask for at least one other in case something happens to them or they’re indisposed.”

“Um… You, I guess…. And Kyungsoo?”

“Fuck,” Sehun mutters, “I should have chosen Kyungsoo.”

I smile, before he takes my arm, “Come on, I’ll help you get to Jongin’s room.”

“When was he going to tell me he’s a Major now,” I say, pouting.

“He doesn’t really care about rank to be fair,” He says, looking at me. Sehun smirks, “You must have been shocked at the money he would leave you, hm?”

“He’s fucking loaded,” I say, shaking my head.

“He’s not one to spend frivolously,” Sehun says. “He’s mostly wanting to get a place on a planet somewhere after he retires. Peaceful, you know?”

“With his battle experience, he could retire early,” I point out.

The more battles you’ve been in, the shorter your time to retirement is. You do risk your life, after all.

“He could retire now,” Sehun says, looking at me, “He has that much experience. I know, because I have the same.”

I laugh, “I still have a few years before I get enough mechanic experience.”

Sehun glances over, “But you also have battle experience. Pilots have twenty-five year contracts that go down with battle experience because battle experience reduces the time quickly. Mechanics have ten year contracts. With your six years experience plus your battle experience from the two battles you’ve taken part in, you’ve probably had a few months after this war. Unless you get into another battle, then you’d be clear too.”

My eyes widen, “Battle experience is that much?”

“For mechanics? Absolutely. It counts double for people who are not Fighter or Bomber pilots, spys, ground fighters, et cetera.”

“Fucking hell,” I say, shaking my head.

Sehun stops in front of a door, knocking. “Tell Jongin I say that our next patrol is tomorrow morning.” He smiles, walking away.

The door opens and I see Jongin. He was still in his flight suit, though tied around his waist like before. He glances at me from the reader in his hand, smiling. “Hi.”

I smirk, before saluting. “Hello, Major Kim.”

He groans, “Who told you.”

“Judicial. When I found out you could potentially leave me a shit ton of money.”

He moves to the side, letting me in. It was a nice room. It had a desk, a private bathroom and, to the left, a full sized bed. Much bigger than my single bunk.

“So you found that out, hm,” He says as I walk by him.

I nod, “Did the same back to you. Not that I have anything really…”

He laughs, “I knew it.”

The dynamic outside the door was all around us as it shut. An air of fear. Terror knowing you’re about to head straight into a battle where many will die. When you and your loved ones can die. I couldn’t get my mind off of these thoughts as Jongin so graciously let me use his shower instead of the community ones those of us of lower ranks would use. How many people with those tattoos are going to be made to fight us? To die because of us? How many of my fellow Tribians are going to make it out of this war alive? Any?

I pulled on one of his t-shirts, looking at myself in the mirror. I look exhausted, and this is from the emotional turmoil alone. The stakes that Yixing and I have in this war are higher than most. If we fail, we will be sentenced to a fate worse than death itself.

Briefly, my mind saw that disgusting man over me. A memory of him using me for his sick needs. I shake my head, try to steady my shaking hands as I looked at myself once more in the mirror.

I turn, leaving the door and I see Jongin on his bed. He was dressed comfortably and he leaned up, his eyes full of worry. It was then when I finally broke. I moved to him, pushing him to lay down. I curled my body to him and just sobbed. All of my tangled maze of emotions finally coming out bit by bit has led to the flood. The stress, the fear, the worry… it all came out as I felt him wrap his arms around me. Soft words muttered to me, but he was letting me have this time. This moment of safety to let it out.

And I do. I cry so long that my head pounds, my throat was sore and my hands were shaking. It was like I was preemptively morning to loss of many of my people, of my friends and allies. I will probably see this as cathartic tomorrow, but for now all I feel is utter fear and almost hopelessness. The only way I could have ever let his out is because of the feeling of safety Jongin gives me. A small part of me feels sorry for doing this to him, but I know he wouldn’t mind.

His arms are the only comfort I have right now. His presence. The warmth of his body next to mine. It was only because of him I even managed to get a restful sleep for the first time since I was attacked on Earth. And for that I will forever feel grateful.

[clevernewdimension]

she's gone and im just so lost and

[clevernewdimension]

My mom has constant seizures now, can speak, and needs 24/7 care. I did this with my grandmother and I think I'm honestly falling apart. She has hospice, stopped chemo after it caused swelling in her brain. This was about a month ago and now it's bad. The doctor said it was looking like she had either days or, at monster, a few weeks left.

I'm 29 and I'm going to lose my mother. She will never see me get married. We will never be able to watch baking/cake decorating shows together again. She took me to my first concert to an artist we both love that I will never be able to listen to without crying. I will forever regret stopping myself from being photographed in pictures with her due to insecurity. I will forever regret not going to fish with her. I will forever regret not having the mental strength she had for me for her in her time of need.

I don't know if I can do this and I'm scared she would hate me if I walked away from being her primary caregiver. This is the second time i have had to do this and I'm honestly so completely shattered from doing this for my grandmother that I never recovered.

I'm scared she doesn't know I love her even if I have to walk away from these responsibilities and it is fucking killing me.

I don't want to lose her but I don't want her to suffer and I'm scared.

[clevernewdimension]

indefinite hiatus

mom’s in the hospital. It’s looking bad and I’m absolutely terrified I’m going to lose my mother.

fuck cancer. fuck 2020. fuck all the people who go maskless since because of covid she can only have one person see her a day and since my step dad is the one making her medical decisions, it’s gotta be him. i may not be allowed to see my mom before she passes. i may not ever see her again.

[clevernewdimension]

Just a little life update.

My mom is doing ok. The chemo is rough for her, and she’s on a fuck ton of pain and nausea meds, but it seems like the growth in her is slowly shrinking. I’m all in the clear too, but I’m more worried about her than anything. She love sit when I bring Apollo over so he can just love on her and nap in her lap. He loves her so much it’s adorable.

I feel like I’m just hanging on most of the time. I rarely see friends and when I do  we social distance with masks the whole time. Which sucks but it’s for the best for my mom. But fuck could I use their hugs right now, you know? I’m also sad about Chen enlisting because I just hope he knows that there are still fans out here who understand and support him.

The only thing in my life I’m looking forward to right now is literally all the video games coming out. I’m finally jumping on an Assassin’s Creed game for the first time with the new one and (fingers crossed) Cyberpunk 2077 will FINALLY come out. Literally that’s the only thing I’ve been looking forward to outside of like... EXO solos and stuff. Also my new laptop can fun some games, so I’ve been playing Hades in my spare time just letting my anger out at something other then bottling it all up. I’ve also been going to therapy, which is helping be cope with the stuff my mom is going through along with still not being fully over the death of my grandmother. That insight into myself was NOT FUN but defiantly needed.

Lastly, let me take the last bit of this to just say to VOTE IF YOU CAN. My state is letting everyone vote Absentee because of Covid, which is awesome. I did that already. If they didn’t let us I’d have to actually wait and go on election day because we don’t have early voting. Just vote if you can! Even I voted, and I’m pretty sure that my vote will be drowned out because of where I live, but I still did it just in case.

Sorry once again for not updating. I’m just... when my mind has been like it is for the past few months, I just kind of can’t find motivation to write. I will try when I can. I’m taking from November 17th until December 1st off because it’s vacation time and it’s a ‘use it or lose it’ sort of deal. I’ll see if I can manage to write something if not before then, then by then.

You all have been so kind and supportive of me over the years I’ve been writing. I truly feel the kindness and the compassion even if we don’t actually see one another face to face. Please know that I appreciate all of you with every fiber of my being <3

[clevernewdimension]

I feel bad for leaving you all high and dry. But literally all of my free time is taken. Some days I don’t even sleep. I know these are just excuses, but it means a lot that you all are sticking with me through this. And for your kind words. I can’t tell you how much they’ve helped! Thank you all <3

[clevernewdimension]

If I have one more person tell me that it’s ‘not that bad’ I’m going to fucking lose it. Yes, Jan, your mom survived cancer. She had breast cancer, the five year survival rates for that are 80+%. My mom has stage 4 pancreatic cancer. Five year survival rates are about 2%. She may not live past 3 months even with chemo and radiation. So shut the fuck up, it’s not the goddamn same at all. Stop telling me to be hopeful. Stop telling me that all she needs is positivity. Just fucking STOP.

I just... I have no where else to rant about this and I need to let it out. I have one ‘friend’ who keeps saying how it’s ‘not that bad’ and it’s PISSING ME OFF.

[clevernewdimension]

its cancer. even before the biopsy they know. theres some spots on her liver. biopsy will just tell us what kind and were she goes from there. just feel numb to everything right now.

hug your loved ones. tell them how much they mean to you.

fuck cancer

[clevernewdimension]

Hiatus

I’m pretty much recovered by my mother went to the doctor and they found a tumor on her pancreas. Could be cancerous, but either way she’ll have to have surgery. Caught it very early, so this could be a good sign.

I know this sucks and I hate asking all of you to wait more, but for me my family always has and always will come first.

I understand if some of you are upset. But I truly thank all of you for being more than patient with me. I may post something soon, but regular updates are not in the near future. I’m very sorry.

[clevernewdimension]

Send all your prayers and good thoughts to Lebanon. I’ve just woken up and... it’s an absolute tragedy. So many innocent people. So many emergency serveries workers... all gone. My heart hurts for them. For what the pain of the loved ones lost feels like. The aftermath of this will be felt for a long time. I’m not sure how it happened, but do what you can to help. I don’t know of any places to donate to help monetarily, so if any of you do, please share! I know giving money can’t bring back those who died. It can’t stop it from happening or rewind time. But perhaps we can help the people who are hurting.

I don’t know what to say other than I’m sorry. I wish it didn’t happen. The world cries for you. I hope we will come together to lift Lebanon up and help as much as we can.

May those who have been lost rest well and peacefully.

[clevernewdimension]

I’m sorry to hear you got the virus. I’m glad you getting better and hope you’ll continue to get better. 🙏🏽💜 Keep fighting love!!

Always fighting! I will bring myself back from the dead just to be sure thing shit won’t kill me. I’m that stubborn.

Please take every precaution, though. It honestly is the worst physical thing I’ve ever experienced in my life. Please stay safe and try not to be around idiots who don’t take this seriously for too long!

[clevernewdimension]

what the fuck? someone spit on you because they were told to wear a mask? and people cheered them on? what the fuck? those dumb fucks literally got you sick because of their "freedom" bullshit? please get well soon we are praying for you! (I still can't believe people's sheer stupidity wtf) take your time with recovery ♥️

Welcome to the deep South were people care more about themselves than each other. If I could afford to leave and take my family out of this hell hole I would.

Thank you! It is a pretty open and shut case of assault so when the case finally comes (slower because covid, and he made bond.) it looks like there is no way this person isn’t going to jail. Sad part is that his mother was actually very sorry (She was a teacher at my high school, I learned) and she’s pretty much cut him out after this and some other things. She also makes the best homemade chicken noodle soup!

[clevernewdimension]

In case you’re wondering what having Covid is like, today is the first day since I told y’all I go it that I feel a little bit better than death warmed up. I have to constantly monitor my breathing. If it becomes any worse than it is I have to go to the ER. It. Fucking. Sucks.

Wear your goddamned masks or I swear to fucking god I will not feel sorry if you get this.