Day by Day
I wake up. Convinced that today is going to be a great day.
Why will it be a great day? Because I have made sure that everything is good. I am taking care of myself, my baby, living a more carefree, joyful existence. So surely...I'm okay. Right?
I feel the urge. I take out the cuff. I place it on my arm and feel the dread fill my body from head to toe. I convince myself it's going to be fine. Why wouldn't it be? I've been doing all the right things. When I do all the right things, I get the results I want.
It's high. Despite everything. Despite the fact that I've been working to be healthier. It's still high.
My body feels the stress response immediately - I thought I was past this, I thought I was better, I thought I was safe.
But this number tells me something else. It takes my brain over and says, You're not okay. You're in danger. You have to get this under control.
So I start to strategize. I will eat less salt, take more naps, find an anti-anxiety supplement. Then it will all be okay. Then I will be better.
The spiral continues - Google searches, fruit grabbing, workout finished...I have to get that number down.
I find myself in the center of the storm before I know it. The pit in my stomach grows, my brain starts to go foggy, my head feels tense from holding it all together.
And I reach a breaking point. Again.
I once again find myself in this situation. A situation I was so wanting to leave behind.
But like an addict taking a hit, I found myself once again seeking safety in the seen, the tactile, the controlled.
Because if the BP machine tells me I'm okay, then I'm okay.
Even as I write this, I feel the response rise in my body again - just go find it. Take it. It will probably be high, but at least then you'll know.
To say this way of thinking is unhealthy is an understatement. Not only that, it's a process of self-fulfilling prophecy. Thinking this way increases my stress level, thereby increasing my BP. Not good.
So I sit down, lift my eyes to Heaven, and ask God to remind me once again. What is true?
That anything that the BP machine says has the ability to shift and change in seconds. It is unreliable, inaccurate, and will be affected by the smallest of unknowns.
That my body is held together by God's grace alone. It is in a state of health. It grew, birthed, and is now feeding a baby. It does amazing things every single day by the grace of God.
My health is so much more about my state of mind than my physical symptoms. Keeping myself in God's shalom will heal my body emotionally AND physically.
If something does need my attention in my body, I can trust God will bring it to my attention. He has taken care of me my entire life. I need to trust HIS power in my life and not feel that I need to continually take things into my own hands.
My identity is NOT in being perfect. In fact, my imperfections gives me all the reason to boast and say, despite all of the shortcomings I have, God does miracles through me. And isn't that amazing?
Any thoughts that I have that bring upon me a spirit of fear are NOT of God and I need to take them captive and give them to God IMMEDIATELY. Why spend time, energy or stress on lies?
I am okay. Not because I'm healthy, not because I have money, not because I have a husband, a baby, a family.
I am okay because God has given me His greatest gift. Fellowship with Him through the sacrifice of His Son Jesus on the Cross. THAT is what makes me okay. That is the life-giving truth. That allows all of the rest of this life to be exactly what it is...hevel. Beautiful hevel, good hevel, but ultimately hevel. Undeserved blessing that I get to just enjoy. It's all temporary - I should be thanking God daily for the joy it brings and at the same time know that all of those things are not the true point of my life.
So I take deep breaths, center myself in the truth, allow the tension to leave my body, and take a step forward. Each day, there may be challenges. Each day, these thoughts may try to take me over. Each day, the enemy may come for my joy. But each day, I am truly in the Lord's hands and HE is in control of my life. He determines my every breath and by HIS wounds I am healed and set free. Day by day, breath by breath, moment by moment...I am His.













