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Day by Day

I wake up. Convinced that today is going to be a great day.

Why will it be a great day? Because I have made sure that everything is good. I am taking care of myself, my baby, living a more carefree, joyful existence. So surely...I'm okay. Right?

I feel the urge. I take out the cuff. I place it on my arm and feel the dread fill my body from head to toe. I convince myself it's going to be fine. Why wouldn't it be? I've been doing all the right things. When I do all the right things, I get the results I want.

It's high. Despite everything. Despite the fact that I've been working to be healthier. It's still high.

My body feels the stress response immediately - I thought I was past this, I thought I was better, I thought I was safe.

But this number tells me something else. It takes my brain over and says, You're not okay. You're in danger. You have to get this under control.

So I start to strategize. I will eat less salt, take more naps, find an anti-anxiety supplement. Then it will all be okay. Then I will be better.

The spiral continues - Google searches, fruit grabbing, workout finished...I have to get that number down.

I find myself in the center of the storm before I know it. The pit in my stomach grows, my brain starts to go foggy, my head feels tense from holding it all together.

And I reach a breaking point. Again.

I once again find myself in this situation. A situation I was so wanting to leave behind.

But like an addict taking a hit, I found myself once again seeking safety in the seen, the tactile, the controlled.

Because if the BP machine tells me I'm okay, then I'm okay.

Even as I write this, I feel the response rise in my body again - just go find it. Take it. It will probably be high, but at least then you'll know.

To say this way of thinking is unhealthy is an understatement. Not only that, it's a process of self-fulfilling prophecy. Thinking this way increases my stress level, thereby increasing my BP. Not good.

So I sit down, lift my eyes to Heaven, and ask God to remind me once again. What is true?

That anything that the BP machine says has the ability to shift and change in seconds. It is unreliable, inaccurate, and will be affected by the smallest of unknowns.

That my body is held together by God's grace alone. It is in a state of health. It grew, birthed, and is now feeding a baby. It does amazing things every single day by the grace of God.

My health is so much more about my state of mind than my physical symptoms. Keeping myself in God's shalom will heal my body emotionally AND physically.

If something does need my attention in my body, I can trust God will bring it to my attention. He has taken care of me my entire life. I need to trust HIS power in my life and not feel that I need to continually take things into my own hands.

My identity is NOT in being perfect. In fact, my imperfections gives me all the reason to boast and say, despite all of the shortcomings I have, God does miracles through me. And isn't that amazing?

Any thoughts that I have that bring upon me a spirit of fear are NOT of God and I need to take them captive and give them to God IMMEDIATELY. Why spend time, energy or stress on lies?

I am okay. Not because I'm healthy, not because I have money, not because I have a husband, a baby, a family.

I am okay because God has given me His greatest gift. Fellowship with Him through the sacrifice of His Son Jesus on the Cross. THAT is what makes me okay. That is the life-giving truth. That allows all of the rest of this life to be exactly what it is...hevel. Beautiful hevel, good hevel, but ultimately hevel. Undeserved blessing that I get to just enjoy. It's all temporary - I should be thanking God daily for the joy it brings and at the same time know that all of those things are not the true point of my life.

So I take deep breaths, center myself in the truth, allow the tension to leave my body, and take a step forward. Each day, there may be challenges. Each day, these thoughts may try to take me over. Each day, the enemy may come for my joy. But each day, I am truly in the Lord's hands and HE is in control of my life. He determines my every breath and by HIS wounds I am healed and set free. Day by day, breath by breath, moment by moment...I am His.

Rhythm No. 52- December 27th

I have to be honest...I'm writing this almost a month after it's assigned date. It's January 24, 2022.

I'd like to say that before the clock struck midnight on December 31st, 2021, I had a rush of inspiration and insight into what 2022 would look like. But I have to admit that this year, maybe the first year in my known life, was the first that I felt...no need to set goals. I didn't get out my journal and write down all of the things I wanted to accomplish in 2022...all of the improvements I was going to make and intentional tasks that I needed to commit myself to.

This year, I felt the incredible peace of just being. Being present, fully aware of my mind, my body, my family, my beating heart. Maybe it comes down to being pregnant and knowing that every goal I may have set for myself is going to get immediately re-prioritized once this baby comes into the world. Not forgotten...just put down towards the bottom of the list. My goals these days look more like -

1. Take care of myself by listening to what my body is telling me and then doing what needs to be done.

2. Look around and see your home, your circumstances, your daily tasks...these are blessings. They are given for you.

3. Love your husband. Spend quality time with him. Talk and laugh and love as much as you can.

4. Stop feeling the need to reach out to friends. Be content with the people God has placed around you at this moment.

5. Commit to slowness once the baby comes. Allow yourself to indulge in resting and bonding with this little one that is a blessing designed for you.

6. Be present and loving to Boston. He needs to know you love him and that you are taking care of him.

7. Do what feels good. Cook if you're inspired. Read if you get the itch. Clean when you're motivated to.

8. Live from a posture of thankfulness and awareness of how good you have it.

And...that's pretty much it. Life is full, no matter if are achieving goals or just kicking it at home. There's so much to take in, to be wowed by, to commit to from the small moments. I'm committing to the small this year.

Rhythm No. 51 - December 20th

"What we think about when we think about God is the most important thing about us."

A friend. A caregiver. Someone that knows me more than any other person on earth. A forgiver. A Father. A figure that loves me no matter what I accomplish.

Someone that isn't keeping score. Someone that isn't drawing a line between acceptance and rejection. Someone that constantly knows what's happening and what's going to happen.

Someone that has great compassion. Someone who's heart breaks daily. Someone who is constantly coming into contact with the consequences of sin.

A lover. Completely safe. Completely truthful. No deceit. No fantasies.

A reminder of sacrifice. An example of what it means to love others. A challenging view of how to live my life from a heart that is modeled after Jesus.

The essential heart of my existence. The one that keeps me here indefinitely. The one to which I owe everything.

Rhythm No. 50 - December 13th

One of my greatest memories was going to Disney World when I was nine years old.

I remember staying on property, eating Mickey waffles, and feeling like every time I took a turn in the park, I was hit with a new high. I remember meeting Princess Jasmine and Aladdin, wearing Disney ponchos when we were unexpectedly caught in the rain, going through all of the Imagineer exhibits and feeling like I had won the lottery.

I think Disney World holds such a special place in my heart because back then, I knew it was a big deal that we were going and now, I can truly appreciate how much of a sacrifice it was for us to go there. But my parents made it happen for us. They committed to making incredible memories and it really did have an impact on my childhood.

I still feel so nostalgic and at home any time I think about anything having to do with theme parks. It's a part of my subconscious that lives forever in that sparkly place that will always be my inner child. It's a place where all of life's worries can just be forgotten about.

Rhythm No. 49- December 6th

What is possible in a year?

Since the beginning of 2021...

-I have gotten pregnant and am three months away from having a son.

-I have undergone two surgeries, one significant health scare and have been healed and content.

-We have visited my family and friends as well as Chadd's.

-We have gone back to having Boston in school and he is now fully vaccinated.

-I sold my sweet Beetle.

-We put down Sammy.

-Boston and I read the first two Harry Potter books.

-Chadd and I have continued to grow in love and friendship, celebrating our two year wedding anniversary and four years since we've known each other.

So. What can happen in a year? What do I hope happens in the next year?

- I hope I give birth as gracefully as possible to a healthy baby boy and that he wows us with his sweetness and goodness.

-I hope that Chadd and I work well together as new parents and prioritize having time on our own to continue growing as a couple.

- I selfishly (I admit it, ok?!) want Boston to be going to a different school that is good for ALL of us.

-I hope that we can take our Disney World trip.

- I hope to regain my pre-baby weight and take the baby with me places to get him used to traveling.

-I hope to feel more secure and fulfilled with what I'm doing at my job.

-I hope we actually get to go see Johnnyswim! And Cursed Child...and other live theatre/concerts!

-I hope Chadd, baby, Boston, and I can take a cool trip together somewhere fun and new.

-I hope to meet a group of friends that feels like 'my people.'

-I hope to read more!

- I hope to continue to grow in faith and love in my relationship with God.

I guess we'll see what happens :)

Rhythm No. 48 - November 29th

When have I felt unexpected joy lately?

A few days ago, I visualized for the first time what it will be like when they place my newborn son on my chest for the first time after he's born. That moment of looking into his face and memorizing every crease and line, seeing his eyes and his hair and his little legs. I visualized looking up at Chadd and being overwhelmed anew by a fresh wave of love for the man that is my husband and decided that doing life and raising kids and facing it all with me was worth getting down on one knee. A true life shift - from before to after. The preparation and stress and difficulty of labor to quiet, exhausted joy.

A pretty powerful moment to provide the kind of lightness to your body and mind when it hasn't even happened yet! And yet, I want to take steps each day in the next few months towards capturing that moment. It doesn't have to be perfect - I mean who's labor is perfect?- but I want to be fully present there. So, Lord, help me to do all I can to be with my boys fully in that moment. Help me to not fear the before and to just focus on the after. Help me to continually live in a posture of pure humility and grace that you've allowed us to walk through this incredible process of growing a life. Help us to raise the man that you have in your mind, Lord. He's yours, has been in my womb, and will continue to be for eternity. Thank you, Jesus.

Rhythm No. 47 - November 22nd

Who do I worry about?

Goodness. Well I guess the biggest person I worry about is Boston. And I FULLY admit that sometimes it's not for the reasons that I should be worrying about him. I worry that he's not brushing his teeth because I fear that we'll be saddled with the dentist bill. Again.

I'm worried about his schooling because I don't want my parents or in-laws to think he's falling behind and have that reflect back on us as bad parents that aren't sticking up for our son enough.

I'm worried about him doing who knows what at Kimberly's because we have absolutely no control over what happens there. We have no idea what she's teaching him, what she's showing him, what she's allowing him to do.

All of this comes back to my inability to let go of the control and trust that The Lord is truly Boston's keeper. Do I trust that the God of the universe can take care of Boston when he's not with us? Am I able to admit that God is working in Boston's life through his schooling and through his mom's parenting? Do I believe that the place we're in right now is a part of God's will for Boston's life, even if it's not what I want or would ever picture for my own son?

My worries give me away...I don't trust fully. I have to surrender Boston fully to the Lord and not allow pointed looks or questions about our co-parenting make me feel like I'm failing as a parent or that I'm not doing my best for Boston. I have to trust that no matter what he may see or hear at Kimberly's, God's grace extends further and can protect and guide him no matter what. I have to realize that Boston is a part of my story for a reason and that eventually, he and God will figure things out. In the meantime, I need to resist the bitterness, the negative thoughts, the desire for control and be present with Boston when he's with me. I need to invest in our relationship more than just correcting him or making sure he's doing what he's supposed to be doing.

Lord, I once again surrender Boston to you. I pray that you would replace the desire for control, the bitterness and the anxiety with trust, joy and a freedom from the need to impress or have my parenting of Boston look a certain way. Please protect him and extend so much grace over his world when he's not with us. Please forgive me of my nastiness, my worries, my fears. Help me to speak of Boston and his life as a positive whenever I can. Help me to praise him for all the work he is doing and help that motivate him to be the young man that loves you and is after your will in his life.

In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Rhythm No. 46 - November 15th

The holiday season...

It's a time I feel I look forward to more and more now that I'm getting older. A time of coming together, sharing gifts and laughs, and doing activities that spread joy to others.

The stress of gift-giving has died down a lot in the past few years and I'm thankful for that. Unfortunately, I do feel like the family gatherings that we have are more stressful in some ways. It's hard to meet everyone's expectations and still have an enjoyable time. Chadd and I just need to be prepared and ready with plenty of games, ideas for things to do, etc. so that we aren't stuck sitting around and talking about politics.

Our traditions aren't too groundbreaking - Christmas cookie baking, a delicious Christmas Eve meal, opening presents on Christmas Day all day, watching Muppet Christmas Carol...but they are special and I'm thankful for the little rhythms that make our holiday season feel like home.

This holiday season, my goal is to be present and thankful. Soak up the time but don't allow it to be stressful. Bring joy to the hearts of those we are with, don't weigh them down. Laugh and cuddle and be so in love with my husband and not care what people think. Treat every day like it's a special one because we never know what could happen in the future.

Rhythm No. 45 - November 8th

My current season of life is a confused tangle of wanting to be home and do nothing combined with continually planning trips to places I'll probably never go.

I think the biggest wanderlust draw I'm feeling currently is to a theme park of some kind - Disney World, Universal....a place that instantly sets you back in childhood and amazes you with its wonder and pure escapism. The smells of funnel cake, iced drinks, the sounds of people having a purely blissful time...it's a place where you can fully escape responsibility and just be completely in the moment of the next fun thing.

It's no wonder that that's the kind of traveling I want to do considering the past 18 months. Feeling stuck, scared, helpless; all of us have had worries piled onto our backs and responsibilities that I never thought would be weighing on me so much. Reclaiming that sense of being a child and not being concerned about anything other than what ride to go on next...sounds like another world that I would very much like to go to.

With the baby on the way, I think it's going to be a while before we can experience the all-out trip to Disney or Universal that I'm craving. But I will continue to dream and plan for it and hope to one day experience it just the way I'm wishing.

Rhythm No. 44 - November 1st

Where do I find joy in what at first might be a struggle or hardship?

A lot of things that I enjoy require some upfront work.

Cooking.

Leading worship.

Spending time with friends.

Exercising.

Traveling.

The good things in life don't come easy. We have to be intentional about carving out the time. Sometimes that upfront work can be exhausting - especially if it seems that you've been the one doing the work day after day with not a whole of of appreciation or reciprocation from others. But, oftentimes, the things that are worthy to committing to are good no matter what we receive in return. We know that we are sowing seeds of goodness and God sees those seeds. We know that eating our 'veggies' will be good for us no matter if someone gives us a pat on the back for it.

The strange thing that the pandemic has done is that it has given all of us the excuse to step back. Many of us were exhausted and didn't even know it because we just did what we felt we had to do. But now we realize that the pace of life we were living is unsustainable. And frankly, for me, it allowed some laziness to come to the surface and with that came bitterness. "Why should I reach out to them when they never reach out to me?" "Why should I cook dinner for the thousandth time when I'm just going to have to do it again tomorrow?" "Why should I write them back when all of this just feels kind of silly and pointless?"

Perspective change is good but we have to keep in mind what is most important. Regardless of where others are at, regardless of what our sinful tendencies are, we need to keep intentionally focusing on what is good, righteous, fulfilling and holy. That will keep us going in this journey of life. That will give us the hope we need to keep taking steps forward even when we question the steps' meaning and purpose.

Rhythm No. 43 - October 25th

What story does my body tell?

A story of adaptation...that even though for years I thought it would look the same, feel the same, it's changed and continues to become the vessel for this little life inside me.

The way my skin has stretched, the veins becoming more alive against the surface, my legs long and strong, my hair longer. My body is actively working to give life. It does this all on its own - no prompting from me, no clues as to how, just starts off; weaving a web of cells, organs, eyelids, toes...

My body amazes me. It's lived 30 years and has kept me walking, running, stretching, feeling...it's been a partner in the miraculous.

Self love has never been my strong suit...but as my belly protrudes and that little one's heartbeat booms continuously, I can't help but be in awe of the partnership God has established with my body. I can't help but sit back and be in awe of all that it's doing.

Rhythm No. 42 - October 18th

What color best describes my mood...

In many ways, I feel like I recently woke up from a long, confused and somewhat depressed season of anxiety, heat, and feeling overall overwhelmed and completely bored at the same time.

It's been a long journey *back to finding myself. I put a star next to back because I don't actually know if I can get back to myself the way I was two years ago. Too much has changed in my own psyche; my expectations, hopes, even faith has shifted to reflect a much more gray world than the one I was a part of previously.

But, I have to believe that God can bring me closer to Him through this. He can remind me of the truths I need to reassert into my life, help me to let go of things that were never important, revive me from the slumber I've found myself in.

I think a lot of my feelings of restlessness has come from a lack of purpose; for so many months, it was just about surviving - keep things going, provide some semblance of the good things of life however you can. It's honestly a really sad way to live - to feel like abundant life is an impossibility so we have to settle for 'whatever we can make work.'

I don't want to live like that anymore. I don't want to just be biding my time until my life can once again be lived. I don't want to waste the time right now that I have with Chadd, Boston...my friends, when in just a few short months, our lives will be changed forever by the birth of my son.

I want to feel present with this baby in my belly. I want to feel every ache and jump and be fueled with purpose - not living in fear of what may happen now or in his future. I want to value life - his life. I want to connect.

So, my color. I think I'm going to choose red - the red of fall leaves that blaze as they prepare to descend into winter. A brilliant flame of incredible beauty that sets their time apart from the long months of living in their shades of green. A remembering - I am alive and until my time comes, I will burn with a light to make others around me see beauty and remind them of life's fleeting and unmistakable goodness.

Rhythm No. 41- October 11th

This is what I love about...planning.

I love having things to look forward to. It gives us a goal - something to motivate me through the week. If I work hard and get all my stuff done, then we can reward ourselves! It breaks up the monotony of the weeks and then gives us a day or a weekend to capture our inner child again.

This kind of motivation has always been a part of me. I've never been able to enjoy rewards if I feel like I didn't earn it first. Probably some kind of childhood trauma or something but I honestly am thankful for it. Without motivation, I find myself a very hard person to get going. I need to have goals...something I'm working towards...a moment of 'You did it!'

The struggle is that sometimes that 'You did it' moment doesn't come. Maybe it will come in a few years....or decades? Keeping up the motivation to work hard when the fruit is LONG term can be really difficult for me. It doesn't necessarily have to be an immediate thing for me but something with a measurable goal is very important to keep me on track.

Of course planning can also be difficult because of financial restraints or just the balance of life responsibilities. But I think the pursuit of rewards in life is worth the struggle that can sometimes come from it.

Wow...this inspired me. I'm going to go plan something now. :)

Rhythm No. 40 - October 4th

How is God working in my heart that reflects the current season?

Ahhh...it's fall.

I honestly feel more like myself than I have in a long time and I can't believe the weather can have such an effect on me but it does! I can breathe more deeply, spend more time in creation, live in a cozier wardrobe and cook without sweating!

To be honest, this summer has felt like a long, hellish time where survival was just trying to distract myself from the drama of life. I don't like admitting that but it's true. My intimacy with God felt very disconnected. And while we were able to get away and enjoy some trips, I didn't feel as connected with myself.

But as the temperatures drop and life goes back to somewhat of a routine (although a very different one than we're used to), I'm starting to feel a thawing in my spirit and I feel myself relaxing back into a version of me that feels more...me. I'm going to things, reading books, working in a healthy flow, cooking, seeing friends...it feels good.

God has always been faithful to me. In each and every moment of my life, He has never left me. And as I take in this season, I am reminded of that fact so much. All things in this life are temporary and fleeting EXCEPT for Him. The weather does change and we receive a new look at the life we're given.

Rhythm No. 39 - September 27th

When was a time in my life that I felt really courageous?

I've surprised myself several times in my life by the courageous things I've done...sometimes I can't imagine that I actually did them.

Moving cross-country to California, asking Chadd on a date, being Mary Poppins, going first with friends, planting tomatoes, co-parenting, getting pregnant in 2021...all are different levels of courage. But each one reaped results that I'm so grateful for.

It's often the times that are the scariest that end up being the most rewarding. This is something we're trying to teach Boston about and it's hard for a kiddo to understand. A lot of our courage and wisdom comes from life experience and trusting in God's faithfulness which is something that is developed over time. But, we keep drilling it because it is so important for him to understand and see the fruit of it.

So, I'll keep making courageous decisions. Sometimes because I know it's the right thing to do, sometimes because I don't have another option. But I know that God has His hand on my back and assures me that no matter what, everything is going to be okay.

Rhythm No. 38- September 20th

What do I feel behind in? Am I actually behind or do I just feel behind?

I am behind in Rhythm writing! Funny but true...I guess the overwhelming feeling I have lately is not so much being behind but constantly running to try to make sure I don't get swallowed by the wave of things that are right behind me; threatening to take me in one fell swoop. It's hard to live up to others' expectations, accomplish tasks, keep up with family and house...without feeling a bit overwhelmed.

I think I've adopted a lot more grace for myself lately. Well...I don't know if it's grace or if it's just a 'I'll get it done when I get it done' attitude. Which is sometimes good, sometimes bad. I guess I'm just tired of always having to live up to others' expectations when I really want to be following God's voice and doing what He wants me to do.

So, I don't want to think of myself as behind. I'm doing my best. And for right now, that's good enough for me.

Rhythm No. 37 - September 13th

Pick my favorite person from the Bible and write two paragraphs about them making coffee.

The sun rises and Martha senses the light behind her tired eyelids. Time to wake up...another day is upon you.

She opens her eyes and immediately wants to close them again. The sun is blaring through her window...why can't the sky let her sleep in just once?

She sits up, stretches and places her feet in her slippers. She keeps her house as tidy as she can but still has a hard time putting her bare feet on the stone floor.

She looks up, smiles, and gives thanks for another morning. "Lord, you go before me and behind me. You give me purpose and strength for the day to day. Help me be an example of your love to those around me. Amen."

Her mind shifts to the motivation to get her out of bed = coffee.

She heads to her door and out to her fire pit where she immediately starts building up her daily burn. Her wood is stacked neatly and her hands nimbly light the small kindling and the carefully constructed pile begins to burn steadily.

She makes her way into her small kitchen, grabs the canister with the beans she bought from her favorite seller in the market last week. She takes a moment to smell the beans...one of the few sweet moments she gets to just enjoy these days. She places a large handful into her mortar and pestle and starts grinding them down; taking her time with each circular motion to make sure the grind is as fine as possible.

She makes her way back outside, grabs her metal grate and places it tenderly over her happily burning fire. She places her kettle of fresh water on the grate and lets it get to boiling.

She remembers how many times she watched her mother go through this same process, morning after morning. When she was young, she never understood why her mother needed 'her morning fix' when Martha and her sister had energy to burn all through the daylight hours. Now, in womanhood, she can't get through the first hours of morning without the fix herself.

The kettle starts to whistle, and she pulls it off the grate with her cloth heat protector wrapped gingerly around the handle. She places it on her counter next to her ground beans. She grabs the clay mug that she has her coffee in each morning - a piece that her mother had given her. She gently pours the grounds into her thin parchment paper filter and then, placing the filter over the mug, poured the hot water through the grounds.

The steam met her face and the beautiful aroma brought such joy to her lips. Yes. With this and her God, she could face anything the day brought to her.

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