Fanfiction #6: Of All the Things I've Lost
Nocturius: 6th Republic Commando fanfiction!
This story is a very intimate and a bit experimental one about Fi's slow recovery from his brain injury. It also talk about his early relationship with Parja. The format is 30 ''datapad entries'' spread on about 200 days, so I suggest you to read it SLOWLY and take the time to imagine and feel the gaps in your head.
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Title: Of All the Things I've Lost
Fandom: Star Wars Republic Commando books by Karen Traviss
Characters: Fi Skirata, Parja Bralor, Bardan Jusik
Rating: Teens and up. **Sensible topic (depression/suicidal thoughts)**
Topic: Fi's brain injury, physical and psychological recovery, memory loss, love
Pitch: To help Fi getting better, Parja told Fi to keep a personal journal. It was one of his hardest mission.
Of all the things I've lost
by Fi-Core/Nocturius
Between True Colors and Order 66
Around 550 to 750 days after the battle of Geonosis
Kyrimorut, Mandalore
-------------------------------
Fi’s datapad journal entry #001
Parja tol me to keep jornal.
Feel dubm doin i.
Hansss messy & shaky.
Diffikultt to ritwe. Fiefk
#002
Wgo is Parja?
Missin my vode.
---
#003
Not sure wher i am.
Where every1???
I scrared
---
#004
Knees hurt, I fell too ofte toda y
---
#005
Food good, happy belly, happi Fy!
---
#006
Parja makes me walk agan today.
She kind & patient.
She say I progess
---
#007
Bard’ika came today.
Healing T-time!
I wish I could takl to Dar about the bb…
I miss my vode.
I wan a to go home
---
#008
I’m so lost.
Dont even know wehre home is.
Where is Niner? Are they dead?!
---
#009
Parja is cute ❤
Hope she wont read that.
oh well
---
#010
shab, shab, shab,
shab, shab, shab,
shab, shab, shab,
shab, shab, shab,
shab, shab, shab,
shab, shab, shab,
osik, shab, shab,
shab, shab, shab,
shab, shab, shab,
copy-paste is my new friend! 😃
---
#011
I feel like osik.
Im still unabll to put clothes by myself.
All the Nulls are gone.
I’m alonr with Parja.
She is the 1 who helps me with that now.
It's embarrasssing.
Not the idea I had of a woman seeing my shebs for the first time…
---
#012
My legs hurt so much.
I tried to walk by myself today.
Feeling like I only have bones and no meat.
Parja shaved me.
I’m ugly as shab, way too skinny cheeks.
At least I have nice hair growing back.
Love when she brushes it.
I might keep them long. 😝
---
#013
Parja showed me how to cook uj cakes.
I barely participated this time but she made me lick the spatula.😋
She said she will teach me bits by bits.
It’s supposed to be good for me to have small goals like that.
Not only work on physical or mental improvement but more ‘’day-to-day’’ and natural things.
It’s the Mando way of life, she said.
It was wonderful and fun.
The freshly baked cakes are so tasty.🤤
Nothing like the ones Kal’buir smuggled on Kamino.
---
#014
I wish I was able to speak full sentences.
Writing is getting easier if I take my time.
It’s just frustrating, I sound like an idiot or a small child.
My mind is getting clearer but I know I forget a lot.
I suppose it’s good I know I do. I really hope I’ll continue to get better but my expectations are low.
I’m supposed to be dead, they say.
#015
I work very hard to get better at coordination.
Still can’t take a shower by myself.
It’s so embarrassing.
It would be simpler if it was a droid doing it but they aren't as soft and delicate as her.
I like her touching me, but it’s so wrong.
I try to keep my thoughts straight, she is only taking care of me.
I’m grateful she never made any comment about… shab.
Stuff going on. I can’t help it.
It’s all pretty messed up.
---
#016
Memory is a weird thingy, I remember my vode from Teroch squad like it was yesterday but I don’t remember WHAT I ate yesterday.
My stomach does tho.
Oh dear, that was way too spicy hot…
---
#017
Bard’ika healing therapy is literally a miracle I swear.
I’ll never say anything bad about Jedi.
Ever.
#018
I spilled a full bowl of blue milk and cereal on Parja.
So fierfek ashamed and angry about myself.
Hate everything, hate myself, hate the shab of all.
I never wanted to blow up something that hard in my life.
A big ball of explosion would end all of this.
#019
Fierfek. I don’t remember why I was sooo angry.
Get a grip, trooper.
It’s only wasted food.
She’s not even mad at me.
I want a hug right now, but no one is there except the nurse droid.
I feel so lonely.
#020
What is a soldier who can’t walk by himself?
I’m useless.
Actually I don’t want to fight.
I just want people to leave me alone, I’m a burden.
I don’t want to be alone really.
I don’t know what I want.
My mind so foggy.
Kal’buir say I probably have some PTSD.
I don’t know how to handle this.
#021
The way she smiles at me.
I wish I could stand up and hug her tight, but I can’t hold a shabla spoon without dropping my food.
Could she truly loves me one day?
Does she see me as a man?
‘Cause I can’t stop thinking about her in an un-jedi-ly way.
My chest hurts.
#022
Why my thoughts doesn’t align with my mouth?
I’m supposed to be Fi-big-mouth-Skirata.
More like Fi-big-never-able-to-finish-his-sentences-Di’kut.
I don’t mind about my legs, I just want to be able to talk properly and not be so shabla lost all the time.
I wish she could have seen me in my prime,
I dunno.
What is left of me anyway…
#023
First 4 meters with no help.
Parja kissed me on the cheek to congratulate me.
Feel like osik, but I got a kiss. 😃😃😃
#024
I can’t tell her how I feel.
She will never want me.
I’m a wreck.
Stay focus trooper, the day you will be able to walk and dress yourself alone, she’ll be gone.
She doesn't love you, she’s your nurse.
That’s it. I wouldn't choose myself either.
I can’t even make jokes.
Maybe they should have left me behind.
That healing process is so slow.
I fear I’ll only get worse from here.
My time is so short, I don’t have a lot of it ahead.
What if the day I’m ok, I'm just too old for anything?
She will move on and find another poor soul to fix.
#025
Love beskar’gam.
I look good in it, a cool skirt around my shebs and that spear.
That will do it.
Plus, I can hide everything I feel under the bucket like the good ol’ days.
#026
Sometimes, I think of something clever, then laugh at my own jokes.
Then I forget the so-called joke and don’t remember why that was funny in the first place.
I don’t care too much about looking like a crazy lad.
I’m just sad to not have been able to share it and be the only one laughing.
#027
I can’t live like this.
It’s not a life.
What am I supposed to be?
#028
I don’t remember how but this is the BEST DAY of my life.
She kissed me.
A real. Lovers. Kiss.
On my fierfek lips.
Oyaaaaaa it feels sooooooo good. ☺️☺️
#029
The shab, Fi from yesterday, you drank 2 bottles of tihaar instead of water or had a funky dream?
Won’t happen anytime soon…
#030
WASNT A DREAM.
SHE KISSED ME AGAIN.
KANDOSIIIIIIIIIII! ❤️❤️
I love you Parja.
You are my cyar’ika.
I need to remember that.
Fi, my boy Fi, you have a girl.
Read that again and again.
This is not a drill.
Parja is your GIRLFRIEND.
I love you
I love you
I love you.
Fi-Core/Nocturius 5th of July 2024
germansingergirl
theartofmadeline
jacobvanloon
turnnoffyourmind
areudirty
2087
romaincrisis
