How the world has changed
I have been watching my life go by and I believe I am missing out on my dreams. One of them being to design games, or maybe write a comic or story, some way to express myself and my experiences. And after years and years I still am doing nothing to achieve these dreams. I do not work at and practice skills to allow me to tell the stories I want to tell.
But sometimes I remember that when I was a kid, I did exactly that. I would just sit there for hours working on something that had inspired me. A game that I played had a level editor? Ok, I'm spending hours just experimenting and creating stuff in it. I can create NPCS in this and code their behavior? I don't know anything about coding, but here's a library of commands I can experiment with and slowly figure out how to do more and more.
I would just figure stuff out on my own and I enjoyed it. I didn't feel bored or anxious or like I was wasting time at all. It's hard to remember exactly what I felt when I was doing it as that person I was is so far away from who I am now that it's hard to relate to them. But I remember it wasn't hard for me to spend so many hours doing this stuff, and I have to think I really enjoyed it.
I would also do it with pixel art, again spending hours and I think remember a euphoria of living in my own fantasy world and dreaming up all these ideas as I tried to create it in front of me. The art wasn't very good. But for some reason I uncharacteristically didn't mind. I was ok with it not being perfect. And I was ok with the concept that learning how to use certain software would take a long time but it didn't bother me.
I would sit up at night sometimes for hours in my own quiet and private world working on these things and I was completely content. I would even get in trouble for being up so late. But I couldn't help it, the dark and quiet night was so comforting to me compared to the bright and busy day. My life was filled with social interactions and responsibilities like school, and even though these were good things, they were very overwhelming.
But the night time was a wonderful and cozy place to relax and see things clearly. The emptiness of the night didn't scare me, it just meant infinite possibility to me. Looking at the night sky was like a blank canvas for me, and I could fill it with my imagination about all sorts of things. And I found this very comforting and enjoyable. Things like darkness, emptiness, quietness, it was all associated with peace for me.
Now, all of that has changed. Dark, empty, quiet places are something that brings about anxiety now. I can't even think about starting any work in art, or writing, or game design without feeling depressed or anxious about it. Trying to learn anything makes me feel anxious as well. I always thought that if I was alone, I could ignore all of the social anxiety and insecurity I have when people are around and I could express all of the most personal ideas I have. But now being alone too much makes my life feel empty, and I have to run to something for distraction.
I don't know what to do now. Trying to work on my ideas alone causes me anxiety and depression and makes me feel empty. But trying to express these ideas and work with other people also makes me feel very anxious. Even when I force myself to do things anyways, it doesn't seem to work. I forced myself to take an art class once a week even though I wasn't enjoying it and I felt like I had no energy at all for it. And near the end it felt like I was starting to want nothing to do with art at all so I stopped taking the class.
I've forced myself to take classes to learn things in art, or Unity, or classes for certifications so I could get a better job. But it feels like I can't retain any of the knowledge and I can't remember anything I learned. Now I'm worried that being able to ever express things is not in the cards for me anymore.
