I’m An Open Book.

24yo I’m already dead.

[cloudymemory]

I don’t want to be here any longer

[cloudymemory]

If I heal my pain, There’ll be nothing left

It’ll just be broken feelings left unsaid

And to be honest

I’m not sure if I’m alive or if I’m dead

Is it living if I’m stuck in bed?

Is it survival if it’s all in my head?

Shit, Does that even make sense?

I feel like I’m on the brink of loneliness

And all I do is… Fucking reminisce

In a room with four walls

With silence as my only audience

[mad--sad--bad]

If every decision hurts, how am I supposed to know which one is the right one?

[cloudymemory]

I feel like I’m shutting down

[cloudymemory]

Lately I wake up and wonder why I’m still here

I could’ve sworn the nights before, I made a wish that I wasn’t here anymore

I close my eyes and suddenly everything’s okay

As I open them I feel as though I’m pretending again

Pretending that everything will be alright

As I contemplate suicide every night

[cloudymemory]

“Lately I feel dead inside

Like parts of me already committed suicide

I’m growing hollow and I feel as though, I’ve lost all control

Where is the end, Where do I go?

Fuck… I don’t even know

I killed off all of my emotions

Now I’m just going through the motions

Fully awake and drowning

Imagine being alive and still dying

Just because I don’t show expressions

Doesn’t mean I’m not dealing with depression”

- T

[cloudymemory]

“Every time I hear about you with every other guy

I have to kill a piece of me every time

I’ve always been in love from the sidelines

Just daydreaming of you and I.” - T.

[cloudymemory]

I basically sit in silence

Most days, With only music as my audience

And sometimes I wonder…

Does she even want me here?

Should I do us both a favour and just disappear?

Lately my thoughts wander…

I can hear death banging on the door

I feel myself slowly becoming insecure

Running out of time and there isn’t a cure

Depression will kill me and in my highlight reel, I’ll see her…

One final time, I’ll see her again.

[cloudymemory]

Ten years ago…

Ten years ago I fell in love with her

In this dark world, I found something beautiful

I thought I found something rare

I was the new kid at every single school

No one wanted to meet me

Until I met you

For awhile I thought that was real

Ten years before you…

Ten years before you,

I felt the world was always against me

I grew up alone, Ever since I was a kid

I have been trying to fit in

I even became the “Class Clown”

Thinking that would solve every problem

My entire life I have been on my own

Twenty four years…

Twenty four years I have been alive

I feel like I’m watching the days go by

Like I’m the passenger on my own ride

Is this what they call life?

Is this how it’s supposed to feel every night

Lately I think about suicide

It’s heavy on my mind

But I can’t make my family cry

I can’t cross that line

How much longer do I have to die quietly on the inside?

[cloudymemory]

https://youtu.be/j8cADX87-2I

I remember the night we were on the phone just talking on a school night and you sent me this. Time flies. I remember how we met so vividly. I remember our first kiss and the way it felt. I remember our first date and how beautiful you looked. Give it another 10 years and I’ll still be in love with you. I’ll still remember you. Although your heart may forget mine, I would still give my life for yours in a heart beat. I’ll still walk with you the ends of the world, No matter how much time has gone by.

[cloudymemory]

A letter to my younger self when he meets his first love

You’ll only be able to love this one for awhile,

She’ll be gone for an even longer time,

But when she comes back she’ll still be beautiful.

This one is going to hurt,

You won’t feel anything like this~

And you’ll be lost without her.

You’ll catch yourself thinking about her more as time goes on,

Even when you’re apart,

You’ll never stop loving this one.

You’ll get to see parts of her that not many have seen, All the little things that make her, Her. Do you know what I mean?

You’ll fall in love with her smile,

Her eyes and the way they shine,

This will be the only love you feel for the first and last time.

You’ll dream of her every night,

Get lost in her presence~

You’ll wake up and she won’t be anywhere in sight.

You’ll lose her in the end,

After years and years,

She’ll move on and think of you as nothing but a friend.

All that love you feel will be stripped away and hold no meaning,

You’ll be left hollow and awake~

And yet still dreaming. Of her.

[cloudymemory]

She has this boy’s heart and soul

She has the power to help him grow or to let him fall

She has this power and she doesn’t even know

She doesn’t know this boy’s heart grows cold

She doesn’t know that he always feels alone

How do you prepare yourself,

For the day when you have to watch the only girl you would ever love,

Fall in love with someone else?

Fuck...

She’s magic and a mystery,

There’s no way anyone couldn’t see what I see,

I’m captivated by her beauty,

She is otherworldly.

[cloudymemory]

I sit alone in my room...

Trapped in my head,

Thinking of you.

I stare at these walls...

In utter silence,

Completely lost in it all.

The Perks of Being A Wallflower...

It was our first date,

Something that I’ll always remember.

I’ve been in love with you this entire time,

Since the very beginning,

A feeling that I know should come to an end,

So I can try and become a better friend.

I just wish I knew what it all meant,

When we kissed,

Was it just meaningless,

Lately it feels like something I only dreamt.

I don’t want to push you away,

Overwhelm or not make you want to stay,

I don’t want to annoy or step on any toes,

I just want to take care of your heart - Tend to all of your woes.

Whenever we hangout, I always wish time would slow down. So I can spend more of it with you.

That’s just me though.

[cloudymemory]

[cloudymemory]

I feel like a man

With nothing to lose

No friend

No muse

A life misused

[resqectable]

“I wanted to tell you that wherever I am, whatever happens, I’ll always think of you, and the time we spent together, as my happiest time. I’d do it all over again, if I had the choice. No regrets.”

— Cynthia Hand, Boundless

[cloudymemory]