like catching smoke with your bare hands

Clover Ivers| Twenty-Two | Mother | Not much to say here. I'm Clover but mostly everyone calls me Clove. I just moved here from my hometown of San Francisco with my son, Casper - also known as the greatest son in the world and my little pumpkin. Between jobs right now but hoping things can be better.

[clover-ivers]

God Help the Girl |

[elimalloy]

Eli started to protest, while he wasn’t completely sure that Clove was struggling financially, he knew things had to be tight for her since she’d mentioned looking for a job. He was sure though that his protests wouldn’t be something that she was okay with, so he kept silent for a moment before nodding. “Sure, ordering in sounds great!” he said with a smile. “The kids should get to spend some time together being kids. We did make them work after all.”

He came over to lean against the counter next to her. “Do you need any help putting things away? If you just tell me where things go, or let me explore your kitchen, I bet I can figure it all out.” He didn’t want to intrude, but he didn’t want to stand there, completely useless either.  

[clover-ivers]

Clover nodded, her eyes just as bright as her smile. “Sure; help is always nice!” she giggled. “I was going to tell you, but exploring sounds more fun.” She stepped beside him and opened the last of her bags before grabbing two cans of tomato paste and marching over to the highest cupboard. She leaned up on the very tips of her toes and set them carefully inside. “Kind of a standard kitchen,” she confessed and jumped up, taking a seat on the counter. Somehow, she was feeling more comfortable having him there. 

She swung her feet lightly as she dug out the last few groceries from the bag and spread it out on the counter. She looked a bit sadly to the few items left. “Might not be as fun as I thought.” 

[clover-ivers]

God Help the Girl |

[elimalloy]

Eli drew in a deep breath, he felt terrible that he’d obviously made Clove uncomfortable, but when Casper turned to smile at him, the proud glimmer in his eyes, he pushed the feeling away because it was obvious that the little boy was excited that he was there and that Ari was there. “We wouldn’t want to get stuck in the elevator, then we wouldn’t be able to have a ton of fun painting and stuff.” 

When the elevator stopped on Clove’s floor, Eli took Ari’s hand to keep her from running down the hall. The followed the woman to her door and into her apartment. It was much smaller than the one he shared with his daughter, but it was bright and airy and lived in and homey. It was exactly what at times was missing from his own home. Not that the townhouse that he shared with his daughter wasn’t homey, it just lacked the homeiness that Clove’s apartment seemed to have in spared. 

“Don’t apologize,” Eli murmured, following Clove to the kitchen and sitting the bags he was carrying down on the counter. “It looks like home,” he told her with a soft smile as Casper shouted and he and Ari ran off toward what he had to assume was Casper’s bedroom. “I’m really glad she’s friends with him. It’s good for her.”

[clover-ivers]

“It’s good for him too,” she replied and looked to the two children, a gentle smile on her face, as they dipped into her son’s bedroom. She opened the bags and began taking everything out, setting all their food into her cupboards and fridge. When she finished, she looked over to the window and scrunched her nose in disapproval. “It’s still raining; gross,” she murmured before laughing lightly. 

“If they’re painting, what should we do to wait out the weather?” she asked and leaned back slightly against the counter. “Want to order in? I-...It’d be on me, after everything you’ve done for us today.” 

[clover-ivers]

God Help the Girl |

[elimalloy]

Eli immediately tugged his hand away as Clove flinched. He was a touchy feely person and he often forgot that not everyone was like that. “Sorry,” he murmured, barely glancing at her. He hated that he’d caused her discomfort again. He’d caused her to pull away from him again and yet he didn’t know what it was that he’d done. 

If it weren’t for the fact that Casper and Ari were both so excited to play together, to spend time together, he would’ve taken all the groceries upstairs and then turned around and gone home. But the kids were excited and he wasn’t willing to break that. He stood against the far wall of the elevator as it slowly climbed toward Clove’s floor.

[clover-ivers]

"Sorry," Clove whispered back, looking to him from the corners of her glassy eyes, lashes fluttering quickly. Her fingers wound themselves into one another just as the elevator reached her floor and let out a loud beep as it slid to a stop. "Again! Again!" Casper called and made move for the buttons. "Oh no, not this time," Clove giggled, snapping out of her nerves thanks to her little boy. She hurried forward and gently took Casper's arm, pulling it away before he had the chance to hit any of the buttons. 

"Last time we went 'again and again', somebody pushed all the buttons and mommy and them were stuck in the elevator for a fifteen minute ride." Casper turned to look over his shoulder at Eli, smiling widely, a proud glimmer in his eyes. It was enough to make her forget why she'd been so upset at Eli's simple touch. "Next time," she cooed and pressed a kiss to the top of his head just as the doors parted. 

Clove gathered her keys from her purse and carefully walked forward with her bag of groceries and the flowers he bought for her. "Not too far off," she said as she led the way out of the elevator and down the hall, past eight doors, and stopped and unlocked the ninth door. "Everybody in!" she gently said and held the door open for them all. Casper stepped aside, seeming to automatically wait for both Mr. Malloy and Ari to step in first. 

Inside, the apartment was tiny, but it was everything they needed. The walls were the colour of Clove's eyes - unintentional, but nevertheless making her eyes standout that much more in the brightly lit apartment. The kitchen was tinier than she would have liked but the size of the living room and Casper's bedroom made up for it. Clove had taken the smaller bedroom since she spent most of her time in the living room, evident by the stacks of books towered on the coffee table. Scattered around the floor by the television were some of Casper's toys - small spaceships, lego blocks, and plush dogs. Standing from the doorway, the inside of Casper's room could be seen which was an organized chaos of art supplies and more books within a space-themed room. 

"Sorry," Clove quickly apologized as she set the groceries on her kitchen counter and helped both Ari and Casper to do the same. "We're still unpacking and rearranging things." She opened a cupboard and grabbed a vase from inside, filling it with water for the flowers. 

"Painting!" Casper called excitedly to Ari, his arm held out to take hers, visibly more comfortable and louder than he usually was now that he was home. 

[clover-ivers]

God Help the Girl |

[elimalloy]

Eli smiled down to the two children that stood between him and Clove. They were so sweet to each other. And Casper, Casper himself was an amazingly sweet little boy. “Big step,” Eli echoed seriously. He knew how important it was for the little boy to be sharing what to him was extremely valuable information. 

Ari stayed with Eli, pouting slightly when Casper rushed forward, but when she realized he wasn’t leaving her, just being nice to everyone, she rushed into the elevator, waiting for Eli and Clove to follow them in impatiently. “My little lady is waiting for us in there.” Without really thinking about it, he took Clove’s had and tugged her along into the elevator with their kids.

[clover-ivers]

Clove automatically smiled as Eli echoed Casper's warning just as seriously as he spoke it. She watched as both of the kids rushed off into the elevator ahead only to quicken her step to keep up. But at Eli taking hold of her hand and tugging her along, she immediately flinched though tried hard to conceal it. The moment they were inside the elevator, she let her hand slip from his and she took a tiny step away from him, letting her hands fall onto the elevator railing as she looked away from him and over to the buttons blinking as they rose higher and higher. 

She hated that she reacted like that. She hated that he probably noticed and was wondering why she was so weird and what was so wrong with her. She pursed her lips together and sunk back against the wall, trying her hardest to hide the fact that her eyes had welled with tears for the briefest moment before she bit them back. 

[clover-ivers]

New Years resolution?

I'm always scared of making resolutions in case I can't pull through on them, but I think this year I want to make sure Casper and I spend more time outside and away from the apartment. I want to make sure he learns the importance of the outdoors.

[clover-ivers]

What's your biggest Casper related worry?

My biggest Casper related worry is...I'm terrified that I can't provide well enough for him. I'm scared that there's going to be something he'll want to do when he's older or that he's meant to do but his mom can't support him through it or is too inadequate to help him get to where he wants to be. Or even when he's younger, what if he wants to go to camp but his mom can't afford to put him there? I'm worried of him having a mother who's not good enough for him.

[clover-ivers]

Have you asked Eli about Ari's mom?

No. That's just not really any of my business.

[clover-ivers]

What do you think about Casper and Ari's friendship?

I think it's precious and it's sweet.

Casper has had a few friends before but he seems really over the moon with Ari which I find funny because the two are so opposite. But I think she's what he's been wanting in a friend; someone to take him around on adventures.

[clover-ivers]

God Help the Girl |

[elimalloy]

Ari tugged on Clove’s hand, rushing her forward so they could catch up with Daddy and Casper. As soon s they were beside Casper, she took his hand in her own. “Let’s go Daddy,” she demanded, smiling up at her daddy before tugging everyone forward. “Me an’ Cas gotta play up there.” Her eye shined happily as she moved forward.

Eli glanced over to Clove with a shrug, their children between them. “My little princess has spoken. What do you think, Ms. Clove? Do you think we’re ready to go inside?” He walked along with them as he spoke, his voice teasing as his eyes darted between the three of them. Something about it made him smile, a smile that he couldn’t seem to wipe off his face.

[clover-ivers]

Clove smiled tenderly as she watched the two, her eyes soft as she watched the way this little girl who was as exuberant as the sun take Casper's hand and hold it tight. Her son didn't pull away like he normally would have towards someone new. Instead he walked with her, purposely matching his steps with hers even as she sped along. She looked over to Eli as they walked and tilted her head curiously towards him. "I think we're ready," she replied and crinkled her nose in his direction, her close-lipped smile nevertheless bright and warm. 

As they walked, she gently swung Ari's hand and helped them both up the front steps of her apartment building. "Big step!" Casper said almost in warning to Eli. Then, the four of them stepped into the elevator in the main lobby. Casper let go of their hands only to rush inside the elevator and hold the door for everyone. 

"Thank you so much, Casper!" Clove cheered, smiling a smile that matched her son's. 

[clover-ivers]

God Help the Girl |

[elimalloy]

Ari nodded as she walked happily beside Ms. Clove. “Daddy’s the best Daddy in the whole world. He makes me smile too.” She swung her hands joined with Clove’s happily. “Cas is happy with Daddy. He doesn’t smile at school all the time.” She steadied the boy with her daddy. And smiled at him eager smile. She thought maybe this wasn’t how she was supposed to feel .She thought maybe she was supposed to feel mad or something, but she like seeing her daddy make her best friend smile the way her made her smile. 

She was as her daddy and Casper stood beside the puddle. “You ready?” Eli whispered to the little boy beside him, not sure what it was he was waiting for. Not even a moment later, the little boy stomped him foot in the water, sending it spraying on both their legs. “I think we’re finished with the water, little man. Don’t want you to get sick. I think your mommy would say we can’t be friends anymore.” Eli squeezed Casper’s little hand gently before leading him away from the water. “Do you wanna wait for your Mommy and Ari to catch up with us?”

[clover-ivers]

Clove walked along with Ari, and at mention of Casper at school, immediately a string tugged within her. The thought of her son being unhappy sometimes while at school gutted her to hear, but quickly, not wanting Ari to catch on to her being upset, she smiled again and swung her arm with the little girl's. "That's okay," she whispered. "Let's make them both super happy tonight o pay them back. How does that sound?"

Casper giggled loudly as the water flew what looked to him to be everywhere. Beaming up at Mr. Malloy, he nodded quickly and looked back to his mommy and his friend. "Mommy!" he called and planted his feet firmly on the ground to wait for them. Clove heard him and instantly looked up at the two, a smile on her face. She waved eagerly at him to which he eagerly waved back, but she kept her pace with Ari. Never once wanting to rush the girl from her fun. 

[clover-ivers]

God Help the Girl |

[elimalloy]

Eli smiled, he honestly hadn’t been expecting the tightening of the small hand in his or the wide smile that broke out over the little boy’s face. He looked down eagerly, not wanting to miss what he was sure was going to be this little shy boy finally stomping his little foot in the puddles. He was reward with a splash, much smaller than his own, that landed water on the bottoms of his pants. He beamed down at the little boy. “Good job, Casper!” He exclaimed, joy and a hint of pride lighting up his eyes. “Wanna do another one?” 

"Arianna!" Eli called as he noticed his daughter moving just a little bit further away from Clove than he was comfortable with. "Please stay close to me or Ms. Clove. I don’t want you to get lost." His voice was gentle, but you could hear the command in it. "Thank you," he called as she trotted back, this time avoiding puddles all together and instead holding her hand up for Clove to take. "You make Daddy smile," she whispered as if she was sharing a secret.

[clover-ivers]

Clove looked apologetically to Eli before giving the same look to Ari, feeling bad that she had allowed her to wander too much. As Ari came back to her, she gently took her hand and comfortingly rubbed her back. She had only opened her mouth to apologize when the little girl's words caught her off guard. She smiled softly at her words. "He makes me smile," she whispered back, nose crinkling as she did. "But do you know that you make him smile all the time?"

Beaming up at Eli, Casper nodded eagerly before looking back to the puddle, as if watching for when was his best chance to strike. He waited and waited until the water completely settled before reeling his little foot up and stomping down once more. The normally shy boy giggled excitably, his eyes blinking rapidly as he surveyed what he'd done before shivering a little where he stood. 

[clover-ivers]

God Help the Girl |

[elimalloy]

Eli shrugged when he caught Clove looking at him, as if to silently say that he had no idea what she was looking at him for. He was still looking over at Clove when he felt Casper’s tiny hand slip into his. He looked down at the small boy with his shy smile and  felt his own smile growing in response. This little boy was so much like his mother, it was sweet to see. 

"Wanna make a bigger splash?" Eli asked, ducking his head so that he wasn’t towering over the little boy so much. Without waiting for the little boy’s response, he stomped hard in the little puddle of water, splashing water up his legs and laughing merrily. The water was cold and it wasn’t the cleanest, but he didn’t care. He stomped again, once more splashing water one his legs and Casper’s as well. This time his antics drew musical laughter from his little girl. When he looked over, he found that she was jumping in her own puddle of water, splashing water merrily on her little shoes. 

[clover-ivers]

Clover couldn't help but smile more as Eli acted as though he'd done nothing at all when in reality it was something so kind that she couldn't stop thinking about it, even as Ari walked next to her, hand in hers, only to let go just to leap into the puddle ahead. "Oh no..." Clove lightly laughed beneath her breath before rushing to catch up to her again. All she could think of was that she'd definitely need to give Ari's clothes a wash before sending her home - it was only fair. Careful to not get too splashed, Clove stood the tiniest bit away from Ari, watching wit ha tender smile on her face. 

Casper watched Mr. Malloy wide-eyed as the man stomped and splashed into the puddle. His eyes lit up like fireworks. Sure, his mom always let him jump in puddles, but she never jumped into them with her. All at once his smile went wide and squeezing tighter onto Mr. Malloy's hand, Casper stomped as hard as he could and though the wave of water sent flying from his stomp as no where near as large as Eli's, he was proud of it nevertheless. "Look!" he shouted, his voice giggling automatically as he did.

[clover-ivers]

God Help the Girl |

[elimalloy]

Eli’s smile turned tender as he watched his daughter spin. She was so carefree and joyful. It made him smile every time he got to watch her experience a new part of life, or got to watch her be ridiculously happy over something she’d done a million times before. “Ari, can you help Daddy and Ms. Clove, please?” he asked as he gently settled the lightest bag in Casper’s little arms. “Look, Casper’s helping.” He shook his head, chuckling as he watched his little girl think about it. 

He left her to her thoughts and grabbed all but three of Clove’s bag. He left the lightest three for Clove and Ari, before turning his attention back to Casper. “Are you ready to jump in the puddles?” He switched all the bags to his other hand, holding out his now free hand to the little boy.

[clover-ivers]

Clove tiptoed over to Ari as she spun still. Laughing gently, she held her hands out for Ari to take, waiting patiently for her to do so before spinning two, three, four times with her. She didn't want to be the reason for the kids' fun in the rain ending. When she stopped, she settled a giggling Ari onto her feet before leading her over to Eli's car. "Here's one for you," Clove said as she took the lightest bag and set it into Ari's arms. "And one for me!" 

When Clove took hold of her bag, she noticed how light it was and gave Eli a questionable look before automatically smiling at his gesture. Casper looked over to his mother to make sure it was okay before his tiny hand slipped into Eli's much larger. He took small steps at first, careful to not stray too far from his mother. His first jump into the puddle was hardly anything at all. It hardly made a splash.

Clove, who walked in step with Ari, spotted her son's timidness and smiled. She loved how caring he was, how gentle and conscientious he was of the feelings and well-being of everyone around him. Despite him wanting to jump into the puddles, he didn't want to ruin Mr. Malloy's pants. 

[clover-ivers]

God Help the Girl |

[elimalloy]

Eli laughed softly. “You’re apologizing and you’ve seen my little girl in action. I heard all about the mess she made when you made cupcakes with their class.” As he spoke, he watched Ari wiggle out of Clove’s arms and start spinning in circles next to the car. As strong willed and determined as she was, she knew the rules and she knew she’d get into trouble if she went running the way Eli knew she wanted to. 

Stooping down, Eli easily unbuckled Clove’s shy little boy from the booster seat and sat him on the ground, holding his hand out to him in case he wanted to take it. “Do you wanna splash, buddy?” Eli asked softly, crouching down to Casper’s level. “I won’t mind.” As long s you let me get one of your Mommy’s grocery bags before we splash.” It didn’t matter a single bit to Eli that he might ruin his shoes if he and Casper went splashing through puddles. Not if it made the little boy smile.

[clover-ivers]

Clove laughed gently, looking from Ari before back to Eli. "I was hoping you didn't hear about that one," she giggled, the imprint of a small blue handprint of icing on her arm gone but fresh on her mind. "I tried really hard to clean her up; she looked like a little blue Smurf." When Ari wiggled out from her arms, she gave the tiniest bit of distance to let her spin, her eyes watchful as she made sure she didn't run off to anywhere that was too far or unsafe. 

As she watched she overheard Eli with her son and couldn't help but smile, Thankful that he was just as sweet to Casper as he was with his own daughter. Casper blinked large eyes - identical to Clove's - at Eli. He took the tiniest step back, timid in the wake of the man's words directed to him and only him, but then listening to his words he piked up again. Blinking rapidly, he nodded before smiling widely. He then moved like a rocket to the back of the car, both hands outstretched to take one of his mommy's bags. 

[clover-ivers]

God Help the Girl |

[elimalloy]

Eli pulled into the lot Clove had indicated. When they were parked, he took a moment to look around again. “We live a couple blocks that way,” he said happily, pointing in the direction of the apartment he shared with his daughter. “We have no excuse not to hang out now…I mean um..” He trailed off, his face red. “I mean, we have no excuse not to let the kids play together.” 

Turning the car off, he glanced back at the kids. “Who’s ready to help unload some groceries?” he asked, voice high and excited to convince the kids to help. “Then I’m pretty sure we can all play.” Hopping out of the car, he was thankful the rain had let up a little bit. It was nowhere near the light drizzle that would have made the whole process easier, but it wasn’t pouring anymore either.

[clover-ivers]

Clove looked over her shoulder to the two small kids and as Eli spoke, she noticed that Casper retreated the slightest bit, incredibly shy. She smiled gently at him. "It's okay, sweetie," she said which made him relax a little. Bracing herself for the bit of rain, Clove unbuckled her seat belt and hurried out of the car. She went over to Ari, who was closest to her, and gently unbuckled her out of her seat. 

She really didn't want either of them to get wet at all, but Casper looked anxious to play a bit in the rain. Looking over to Eli as she carefully lifted Ari out from her seat, she looked apologetic at him.

"Sorry in advance," she whispered. "If he spots a puddle, he might splash you but he really doesn't mean to." It was never on purpose, but whenever the two went out together if it happened to be raining, Casper always made a point of deviating the longest way around just to jump in puddles. More times than she could count, Clove often went back to their apartment with her coat soaked because of him. She knew it was a habit she should break, but at the same time she saw how happy it made him to play out in the water.

Already Casper was peering over at one particularly deep puddle over in the parking lot a few cars away. "Casper," Clove said. "Be nice to Mr. Malloy." 

[clover-ivers]

It's a freezing cold Saturday afternoon. What are you doing since you're stuck at home?

That's easy. Making tea or hot cocoa, curled up to Casper with a good book or movie, and probably just window gazing. 

[clover-ivers]

If you could only give Casper one thing, what would that one things be?

Everything. Am I allowed to say that? I'd have to say eternal love. I just want him to be happier than the happiest person and feel free to do whatever makes him happiest and be the person he wants to be.