always, worlds within worlds

Cly 31 nb lesbian they/them pls no minors don't post my shit to twitter this is my ao3

[calamitysong]

founding tenets:

- beware the moving image

- all actors should be burned at the stake

[clytemnestraaa]

does anyone know if it’s a good sign that @hr-posts-to-show-my-therapist keeps reblogging my text posts… like that’s probably a good thing right

[iwrotemrtambourineman]

​its obvious that like ilya loves to be hated and loves being an asshole but also how much of that is a “if I give them a reason to hate me then I control it instead of them hating me for some primordial flaw in my soul” and how much of it is “i hate myself so outside hatred is validating those feelings” and how much of it is “everyone hates me so when they leave and I’m alone again it won’t hurt” and how much is “i never learned how to express or receive love in a healthy manner so at least these people care enough to hate me” but also at least 25% of it is “you want to fuck me so much it makes you look stupid”

[clytemnestraaa]

what plastic surgery procedures do you think Ilya is getting and in what order? I kind of think it’s similar to David Beckham where the hair transplant is like a gateway to More aesthetic work

I don’t actually know enough about plastic surgery to tell you that but I do think it starts with hair transplants for sure given the hardboiled egg status of his father

[clytemnestraaa]

like i don’t know if you understand the degree to which this man is cooked. that nobody has EVER been as astrologically cooked as ilya rozanov

[clytemnestraaa]

i do think ilya would flourish as a failed twitch streamer who is clearly in psychiatric crisis hitting the bong (synthetic weed) in a polyester maid outfit while sucking shit at GTA

[clytemnestraaa]

what you have to remember is that ilya is hot and rich and mean and femme and bipolar and ALSO he is about 50% jason mendoza

[clytemnestraaa]

can ilya reclaim this. can ilya reclaim that. who care. more important is ilya screaming KILL YOURSELF on ice #hecansayit

[clytemnestraaa]

what hobbies do u think ilya would be into post-retirement?

DJing

bribing city council members

setting up a house music residency

failed fashion line

semi-successful fine jewelry line

entering anya into dog shows

plastic surgery

starting artisanal vodka company

import/export (Don’t Worry About It)

twitter arguments

[clytemnestraaa]

oh also i was thinking about shane dissociating after the draft talking to the GM and ilya dissociating while his father and vetrov discuss the olympics and i think the difference is that they both dissociate but shane goes inward, he is staring into the middle distance with his brain working a million miles an hour having the worlds flattest panic attack, and then ilya goes outward, where he’s not thinking about anything at all he’s just doing his best to leave himself behind.

[iwrotemrtambourineman]

like shane’s in a torture nexus we all know that i’m not downplaying that but you cut over to ilya and his situation is making the evil dead look tasteful like he’s being pursued by evil supernatural forces not seen on this earth since time immemorial

[weird-goodbyes]

love when hot women in their thirties are blogging with me. like that’s the hottest thing we can do.

[birdbigbutch]

Peeling the lid off of a yogurt and it's a big spiral staircase going down forever

[clytemnestraaa]

wait ok also what i was trying to say and not really managing to convey is that ilya is a hedonist but not like, as a philosophy. he’s just stuck chasing anything that feels good. he is the definition of instant gratification, because he doesn’t think the future is real. so re: tuna melt, he wants shane to stick around because it feels good for him to be around shane. shane is not substantially experientially different than a fast car or a line of coke.

and then he also has a pretty appallingly low distress tolerance also common in PTSD where once it isn’t fun, he can’t fucking handle it, like when shane gets bonked on the head and ilya is like oh my god i need to break up with him. he just exists in a pretty triggered activated animal state where he moves toward reward and moves away from pain, like he is fairly fight or flight at all times. which is kind of what i mean by having a lack of a view of a future, he exists only in the present moment (which is actually the past moment that he got stuck in).

[clytemnestraaa]

What if we gave ilya the immortality curse

mmmm he’s kinda already got it, he’s already in some cyclical haunting lake mungo black lodge bullshit where he is stuck in the genre. i think shane is a better candidate as someone who is truly terrified to age and die, like shane has a Lesson To Learn. shane is the one making horrific deals with entities that he will spend the next several millennia regretting

[clytemnestraaa]

what do you think Ilya was hoping subconsciously from the tuna melt situation? More friendship added to their situation? More emotional entanglement?

idk if he was hoping for anything specifically, i don’t see ilya as like, an emotional planner. like he doesn’t visualize a future he just assumes he doesn’t have one. he has classic CPTSD where his time horizon is really short. it’s not just that he thinks he won’t survive, i think he fully cannot imagine himself in 15 years due to PTSD related concepts of self and time that are too complicated for me to write about right now because my brain is kinda scattered. anyways so he was scheming to get shane to spend the night but that was as far as his plan went. his grand plan was cuddles. and hot fish.

[rosieandthemoon]

ceiling details /// [•]