Coach Lubbock

Examples of the Letters I am going to write my 8 children when I leave them and their mother. var sc_project=6032150; var sc_invisible=1; var sc_security="7b212fc4";

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Dear Other Two,

They say twins have special powers. Let's hope one of those powers is the ability to grow up without a Dad.

Your Father,

Graham Lubbock

PS Seriously have you seen Spaceballs yet? It's streaming on Netflix.

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Dear JR,

Over Seas I met some interesting Asian Businessmen. When they saw your picture they said you were the most beautiful "Lady Boy" they've ever seen. I gave them your address.

Be a man, make some money and support your mother because lord knows I'm not gonna.

Your Father,

Graham Lubbock

PS I know it's ironic when I say "be a man" when I'm urging you to tuck your penis between your legs and have sex with an Asian Businessman. Sometimes that's the way life goes.

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Dear Mike Seaver,

At the home depot, I got you some gifts for when I see you next. 

- Duck Tape

- Rope

- 2 Shovels

- Hack Saw

- 1 gallon of Kerosene 

- Plastic tarp

- Big old bag of Lye

- a nail gun 

Thought we could go camping or at least deep into the woods for a few hours.

Your Coach,

Graham Lubbock

PS I have nothing to live for but this adventure.

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Dear Other Two,

When your mother wouldn't let me name you 1 and 2, I pretty much gave up. The only advice I can give you as you grow older is see "Spaceballs". It's my favorite movie.

Your Father,

Graham Lubbock

PS May the Schwartz be with you!   You'll get that after you see "Spaceballs". 

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Dear Sherry,

Do you want me to act surprise when you tell us you're gay? Clay Aiken kept it a better secret. At the end of the day I couldn't care less. Wear comfortable shoes, buy a subaru outback and pretend like Melissa Etheridge is still relevant. Knock yourself out.

As you go through life do yourself a favor: 

1. don't adopt some sort of asian baby. You're not a movie star. On the same note don't go begging for sperm or even worse buy it. Dudes throw it away every day. Anything that ends up inside of a dirty sock you don't want inside you.

2. don't support gay marriage. I don't know why you would want it. It's your get out of jail free card. You can tell your girlfriend it's not you, it's the governmet.

3. I'm not exactly sure what "lesbian bed death" is but it doesn't sound good. Try not to do that.

Whatever you do don't listen to you tramp sisters, stupid brother or even your mother. You would probably be better off running away. Most girls your age are afraid they'll get forced into the sex trade but you don't have to worry about that. You are definitely not their type if you know what I mean.

Your Father,

Graham Lubbock

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I don't know how Youtube did it but it has recorded my reoccurring nightmare.

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Dear Wendy,

Remember when you thought you you were being cute and said "Daddy, who do you love the most?" and I'd reply "I love you all the same sweetheart"? I was lying.

I have spent years ranking you all 1 through 8. Rankings would change year to year, day to day, minute to minute but one constant is you were always number 8

I see the evil inside of you.

Your Father,

Graham Lubbock

PS I'm sure this will only sound creepy but I always thought you were the hottest.

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Dear JR,

You are my namessake. I would tell you how disaapointed I am with you and how you are a disgrace to the Lubbock name but let's face it Lubbock name has never meant shit. The kids I teach say that in italian Lubbock means fat gym teacher who is addicted to greasy deli meat.

Do yourself a favor, stop going to gym class, get a vesectomy and change your name.   

Your Father,

Graham Lubbock

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Dear Cindy,

I'm not sure you can read, if I were a betting man I would say that Marie is reading this to you right now. Your only hope is to marry rich before you become "used goods". I would say you were a disappointment but unlike your mother you never got pregnant so I guess you got that on us.

I know I'm not there for you anymore but at least I didn't kill myself.

Your Father,

Graham Lubbock