i’m lying next to my guitar right now because i got mad that i couldn’t play a song that a tutorial said was really easy. to me, that translates to ‘even an idiot could do it.’ now, i now feel even stupider than an idiot.
i bought it for my birthday last year, swearing that by the end of 2026 i’d be fully capable of playing multiple songs, for my enjoyment as well as others. but instead i’m sitting here, listening not to the strumming of strings, but my tears splattering against the dip in the wood where i tend to rest my head once it gets too difficult for me to comprehend.
there was a time where i really tried, i kept playing despite my tears and celebrated by showing off to my family every time i memorised a new chord, but suddenly the next morning when i’d sit the guitar over my leg again, i’d be lost. i’d have forgotten everything i’d learned the previous day, everything i was so excited about, just gone. suddenly the aches in my fingertips felt less like progress and more like a reason to stop, but i’d relearn them anyway, telling myself that if i just kept at it then soon enough it would be muscle memory, at least one chord would be embedded in my mind, but it never happened.
and so, i put it down. i stared at it on it’s stand, considering picking it up again but remembered how much i’d disappointed myself the last time. funnily enough, not long after i had a sleepover with in my cousins house. her mom had gotten a new boyfriend and he was amazing at guitar. all of us sat in the kitchen for at least an hour as he played any song we requested, even if he hadn’t heard it before. all he had to do was look at the chords on his phone and his fingertips did all the work. i wondered why mine couldn’t do that, and i talked to him. i told him i’d bought a guitar but i was no good, that i found it hard to remember anything so i hadn’t touched it in a long time. he told me to just keep practicing, an hour a day would help me improve before i knew it, so i listened, and i tried again, and i got even more frustrated the second time around.
i’m not going to lie and say i put in all the work i should, i know i don’t. i know i should be practicing much more than i do, but it’s very disheartening to see people online seem to get it so easily. the first day of their journey is always better than my first month, and it feels like nothing i try is ever worth doing at all.
it’s the same with drawing, i’d been doing that for as long as i can remember, it was my first passion, but i never got better at it. and, unlike guitar, i did put work in to drawing. i practiced everyday, i followed tutorials to the best of my ability, studied anatomy, tried different pencils, pens, crayons, whatever i could get my hands on, i followed tips and tried to figure things out on my own, but nothing ever changed. it’s so hard knowing that my hands are no good, my mind doesn’t listen and regardless of how many tears fall onto whatever it is i hold, i know nothing will change.
i’m constantly sick with envy, watching people better than me, watching people understand quicker, and the worst part is how effortless they make it seem. i am constantly sick with envy. it’s like a chronic illness—maybe it will kill me someday.
back to the present, once i set my guitar down before i began writing this, i thought going back to scroll for something to cheer me up would help, but the first video i saw had used my favourite song, and suddenly all i could focus on was the guitar in the background. i cried even harder then, knowing that i likely won’t ever be able to play it.
but now, as i finish this off, im staring again. i’m going to try once more, for tonight at least, and i wont stop for the tears this time.
gummygunk
dailybridgerton
izzy806
titsay
baratheonpilled
prguitarman
2087